On the Brink

[Scott Thomas]

And people said we shouldn't judge someone based on their past actions....

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

 

Just exactly why are you hell-bent on destroying your life and ruining your daughter's?

[Friskyone4u]

Just can't understand why you want to be married. Until you figure out why you must have the male attention you will cause nothing but pain. It's only a matter of time before you sleep with the new OM. And your new husband knows about this EA. what is he thinking???

[Realist3]

And people said we shouldn't judge someone based on their past actions....

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

 

Just exactly why are you hell-bent on destroying your life and ruining your daughter's?

 

 

Past actions do not, in themselves, indicate actions in the future.

 

When past actions are met with current actions, then we can establish a pattern. That is its usefulness in total. That is where the situation 'is'. In this particular situation there doesn't seem very much will to curtail the current actions.

 

That is not making any judgment on her choices.

 

 

Only the OP decides what the future holds.

[No Limit]

Do you realize that every time you have an affair, you're always coming closer to the back door to exit your marriage(s)?

What's keeping you in a marriage if you don't want one? I know it's easier for you because you've never had real consequences for your actions, but hurting others because "I just don't care" is unnecessary.

 

It's fine to reject monogamy. Just don't fake it to people who actually do want it.

[2sunny]

What, exactly, are YOU doing to repair the damage you have caused in your M?

 

Just doing NC isn't enough - it's a start - but not enough to help the M heal properly.

 

What are you doing now to move forward?

[Spectre]

That's not for you to decide though is it? Or the OP. That's for the H to decide. BS's in LS are big on WS's "owning the decision to cheat" - surely the same goes for a BS who makes the decision to stick around and try to work through the mess.

 

I just call them like I see them. I never said it was for me to decide, but then I didn't make this person post their story on an internet forum.

 

I think we as a people can judge what type of actions would make a good spouse or a bad spouse. Sometimes, a person does something so bad it can never be repaired. Doesn't mean they can never be a good spouse in general, but it does mean the ship has sailed when it comes to that particular person..is all I was trying to say.

[bv120]

>I single handedly destroyed my first marriage. I admitted to my then H that I truly no longer loved him. And in fact I had lost all my feelings for him. I did not however admit to the affairs I had been involved in.<

 

 

You guys are a bunch of history buffs. I've had all kinds of people here ask if my first husband knew about the affairs. The answer is no. And believe me, we had such a heated argument when I told him I was filing for divorce he would have hit me with it right between the eyes if he had any idea I was in an affair. He pretty much ignored me after the birth of our daughter and he stayed too busy with his job to really notice in detail what was going on with me. My current husband has no idea about the affairs from the first marriage as well.

 

 

What am I doing to help the R along? He has complete access to my phone and email. The last fun phone expired and I never renewed it. I'm trying to make certain my actions don't make him feel threated. No late nights at the office, or out with the GFs, no half day shopping trips on the weekend. I am trying. I even made a pass at him and he turned me down. Told me he didn't need a pity f##k. That sort of pissed me off but I'll take into account he has been hurt. He has accused me once of pining away for my EA guy. Of course I told him I wasn't but I don't think he believed me. So the R is up and down. I'm trying!

 

 

bv

[Spectre]

I feel sorry for your current husband.

[Arvin_Solheim]

You can't do that but an authentic relationship with God through prayer and reading the Bible daily can do it for you.

 

.

 

Sorry but I have to be a jerk to you right now! When someone asks for an advice regarding a legitimate actual realistic problem people like you shouldn't start telling them how they need to find "god", "jesus" and other non-sense concepts that don't fit in the realm of reality....

for the sake of all reasonable people, please stop.

[Arvin_Solheim]

 

You guys are a bunch of history buffs. I've had all kinds of people here ask if my first husband knew about the affairs. The answer is no. And believe me, we had such a heated argument when I told him I was filing for divorce he would have hit me with it right between the eyes if he had any idea I was in an affair. He pretty much ignored me after the birth of our daughter and he stayed too busy with his job to really notice in detail what was going on with me. My current husband has no idea about the affairs from the first marriage as well.

 

 

What am I doing to help the R along? He has complete access to my phone and email. The last fun phone expired and I never renewed it. I'm trying to make certain my actions don't make him feel threated. No late nights at the office, or out with the GFs, no half day shopping trips on the weekend. I am trying. I even made a pass at him and he turned me down. Told me he didn't need a pity f##k. That sort of pissed me off but I'll take into account he has been hurt. He has accused me once of pining away for my EA guy. Of course I told him I wasn't but I don't think he believed me. So the R is up and down. I'm trying!

 

 

bv

 

 

 

Well......As someone who used to be a serial cheater and accused of extreme narcissism(never diagnosed with it though) I have to say that you're doing pretty much all you can in order to stay back....Not getting into something with someone who shows interest in you is hard especially when they are attractive and they intrigue you(I've dealt with a similar case in the past 10 months on and off with different people) but I believe that the feeling you develop for these people goes away after a short time(given the fact that you don't see them much/anymore) I pretty much forgot about the hot girl who was flirting with me all night at a gathering after 4 days a week ago; after the tingling that she had caused was gone I realised how much my current relationship is important to me; you should dig deep inside you look for the reasons you are still in this relationship, unlike most people here I do believe that people like you and me can have committed relationships; but in order to stay committed, one needs to believe that the other person is worth sacrificing a part of your personality for.

It will suck not indulging your every whim, but in the long run it's for the best(if your relationship is worth it)

[Raven3321]

>I single handedly destroyed my first marriage. I admitted to my then H that I truly no longer loved him. And in fact I had lost all my feelings for him. I did not however admit to the affairs I had been involved in.<

 

 

You guys are a bunch of history buffs. I've had all kinds of people here ask if my first husband knew about the affairs. The answer is no. And believe me, we had such a heated argument when I told him I was filing for divorce he would have hit me with it right between the eyes if he had any idea I was in an affair. He pretty much ignored me after the birth of our daughter and he stayed too busy with his job to really notice in detail what was going on with me. My current husband has no idea about the affairs from the first marriage as well.

 

 

What am I doing to help the R along? He has complete access to my phone and email. The last fun phone expired and I never renewed it. I'm trying to make certain my actions don't make him feel threated. No late nights at the office, or out with the GFs, no half day shopping trips on the weekend. I am trying. I even made a pass at him and he turned me down. Told me he didn't need a pity f##k. That sort of pissed me off but I'll take into account he has been hurt. He has accused me once of pining away for my EA guy. Of course I told him I wasn't but I don't think he believed me. So the R is up and down. I'm trying!

 

bv

 

Good girl. Keep it up and don't give up. Though your past may not have been that great, there's no reason at this point that your future can't be bright. He's just needs time and a renewed commitment to the marriage from you. Work on you and how you can help him heal. You can rebuild the trust he lost. Just takes time.

[Raven3321]

Sorry but I have to be a jerk to you right now! When someone asks for an advice regarding a legitimate actual realistic problem people like you shouldn't start telling them how they need to find "god", "jesus" and other non-sense concepts that don't fit in the realm of reality....

for the sake of all reasonable people, please stop.

 

God, Jesus, etc. is a reasonable solution to life's problems for some. If not you, fine. However, for others it is viable. He literally stopped me from killing my wife's AP one night as I blotted doing it. When I turned my back on Him for allowing that level of pain in my life, He spoke to me saying "I love you. Come back to Me". My point is if you don't have faith in God, that's your choice but everyone should be able to contribute here to others from their life's experiences and points of view without getting "flamed" by self-described jerks.

[Arvin_Solheim]

God, Jesus, etc. is a reasonable solution to life's problems for some. If not you, fine. However, for others it is viable. He literally stopped me from killing my wife's AP one night as I blotted doing it. When I turned my back on Him for allowing that level of pain in my life, He spoke to me saying "I love you. Come back to Me". My point is if you don't have faith in God, that's your choice but everyone should be able to contribute here to others from their life's experiences and points of view without getting "flamed" by self-described jerks.

 

 

If you actually heard some imaginary being saying "I love you etc..." then you're delusional(and no I'm not saying it to make you angry or sad or to be a jerk, I say that because I believe in it)....I don't mind faith or people seeking refuge in it but to encourage others in trouble to seek irrational solutions in order to fix their real problems is anything other than sound advice....I'm happy you didn't kill your wife's affair partner as it would've destroyed your life and I understand why you'd like to take refuge in superstition; but isn't it better to think that you didn't kill that guy because deep down you're not a bad person rather than "Jesus held my hand" ?

[Raven3321]

If you actually heard some imaginary being saying "I love you etc..." then you're delusional(and no I'm not saying it to make you angry or sad or to be a jerk, I say that because I believe in it)....I don't mind faith or people seeking refuge in it but to encourage others in trouble to seek irrational solutions in order to fix their real problems is anything other than sound advice....I'm happy you didn't kill your wife's affair partner as it would've destroyed your life and I understand why you'd like to take refuge in superstition; but isn't it better to think that you didn't kill that guy because deep down you're not a bad person rather than "Jesus held my hand" ?

 

Whatever you feel about my experiences is your opinion.....I lived it. I don't care past a point and that wasn't the point of my editorial. Some people on this forum don't believe in God and some do. For those who do, our faith is a part of what we believe and thus is a part of our recovery. For us faith is just as viable an option as investigation, exposure, the 180, etc. To uniformly dismiss this aspect of so many people's lives because you don't believe in it, is ridiculous. Like I said, if you don't believe in it, fine. But please don't tell us our experiences are "delusional" or our beliefs illogical. Obviously we believe in it as much as you do not. It's disrespectful to all of us......non-believer and believer alike.

[bv120]

Husband came home Thursday night loaded and was very abusive. It's a side I've never seen of him. And OK, yes I'm certain I'm to blame. I'm afraid he asked me the wrong question. He wanted to know if I was still thinking about my EA guy. I gave him an honest answer: "I hadn't seen or heard from him but yes, he was still on my mind." That did it. He went through the roof. When he calmed down he told me to go ahead and restart our divorce, which I did Friday. He refuses MC, so that pretty much ends things. I read 3 out of 4 THIRD marriages end in divorce so that pretty much does it for me with marriage. You never know but I'm thinking I'll be a divorcee for good now.

 

 

bv

[petee]

To be fair, how would you feel? You are hell bent on destroying anything good you have in your life, but for what? A cheap thrill? You have a child, so the poor values you are tacitly demonstrating are surely being observed as a 'norm' and hey presto another future statistic.

You need to look hard at yourself, your values, norms and morals. If you don't like what your see you need to find a method to cope. Leopards don't ever change their spots, and you appear to have set your stall out particularly well. So the next guys moves in, give it a while and you move on.....and so forth. Gods luck, but when somebody does it to you enjoy......

[miguelcervantes]

Husband came home Thursday night loaded and was very abusive. It's a side I've never seen of him. And OK, yes I'm certain I'm to blame. I'm afraid he asked me the wrong question. He wanted to know if I was still thinking about my EA guy. I gave him an honest answer: "I hadn't seen or heard from him but yes, he was still on my mind." That did it. He went through the roof. When he calmed down he told me to go ahead and restart our divorce, which I did Friday. He refuses MC, so that pretty much ends things. I read 3 out of 4 THIRD marriages end in divorce so that pretty much does it for me with marriage. You never know but I'm thinking I'll be a divorcee for good now.

 

 

bv

 

I think he asked you the right question - the most relevant question which pretty much sums your relationship up - you will always be thinking about the "other guy" and there will always be some "other guy". So I believe that he did the right thing to continue with divorce and you should take some of the advice being given here on improving yourself. I also don't understand why you want to be married. To anyone.

[bv120]

I think he asked you the right question - the most relevant question which pretty much sums your relationship up - you will always be thinking about the "other guy" and there will always be some "other guy". So I believe that he did the right thing to continue with divorce and you should take some of the advice being given here on improving yourself. I also don't understand why you want to be married. To anyone.

 

 

Like all young women when I finished college I was really excited about finding the man I would spend my lifetime with, raise a family, and live happily ever after. Well happily ever after ended after the birth of my daughter. My husband pretty much ignored me from that point on. Like I mentioned previously, after my divorce I did the IC and pretty much convinced myself I was cured. So I married again. Obviously that wasn't the case. Looking at 3 out of 4 3rd marriages failing I think it's safe to say I will remain divorced.

 

 

bv

[2sunny]

Like all young women when I finished college I was really excited about finding the man I would spend my lifetime with, raise a family, and live happily ever after. Well happily ever after ended after the birth of my daughter. My husband pretty much ignored me from that point on. Like I mentioned previously, after my divorce I did the IC and pretty much convinced myself I was cured. So I married again. Obviously that wasn't the case. Looking at 3 out of 4 3rd marriages failing I think it's safe to say I will remain divorced.

 

 

bv

 

Do you believe that the way you've participated in these marriages has helped the marriages or harmed them?

[BHsigh]

Husband came home Thursday night loaded and was very abusive. It's a side I've never seen of him. And OK, yes I'm certain I'm to blame. I'm afraid he asked me the wrong question. He wanted to know if I was still thinking about my EA guy. I gave him an honest answer: "I hadn't seen or heard from him but yes, he was still on my mind." That did it. He went through the roof. When he calmed down he told me to go ahead and restart our divorce, which I did Friday. He refuses MC, so that pretty much ends things. I read 3 out of 4 THIRD marriages end in divorce so that pretty much does it for me with marriage. You never know but I'm thinking I'll be a divorcee for good now.

 

 

bv

 

I do have to commend you for telling him the truth, that is a tremendous step in the right direction for you. Try not to look at that as a mistake on your part, because it wasn't, it's what an honest person would do.

[Artie Lang]

the stats you point to about 3/4 marriages failing really doesn't apply to yours. most of these failed marriages have stressors(financial burdens, for example) that take a toll on a marriage.

 

your marriage ended because you're a serial cheater- plain and simple. it was your abhorrent behavior that did you in.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Artie Lang

[bv120]

the stats you point to about 3/4 marriages failing really doesn't apply to yours. most of these failed marriages have stressors(financial burdens, for example) that take a toll on a marriage.

 

your marriage ended because you're a serial cheater- plain and simple. it was your abhorrent behavior that did you in.

 

 

 

Thanks for straightening it out for me Artie.

 

 

bv

[bv120]

Do you believe that the way you've participated in these marriages has helped the marriages or harmed them?

 

 

 

I was not a faithful wife in either marriage so you would have to say I harmed marriage.

[miguelcervantes]

Given that this is a completely anonymous board - we don't know you and you don't know us - could you tell me, really honestly, what do you really want now?

 

For example, would you like to find someone new that ticks all the right boxes for you (assuming you have really thought about and know what these boxes are), who loves you and with whom you settle down for ever ?

 

Or do you want your husband to forgive you, change so that all the right boxes are ticked and you get to spend the rest of your life with him ?

 

Or something else ?

 

What is it that you are looking for (ideally and honestly) now ?

[bv120]

Given that this is a completely anonymous board - we don't know you and you don't know us - could you tell me, really honestly, what do you really want now?

 

For example, would you like to find someone new that ticks all the right boxes for you (assuming you have really thought about and know what these boxes are), who loves you and with whom you settle down for ever ?

 

Or do you want your husband to forgive you, change so that all the right boxes are ticked and you get to spend the rest of your life with him ?

 

Or something else ?

 

What is it that you are looking for (ideally and honestly) now ?

 

 

My current husband has already made his decision, divorce. Ideally I would love to find a guy I really click with, but not for marriage or moving in with me, just a boyfriend.