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Ms.Gia

By Ms.Gia
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ms.Gia New Member

Ms.Gia

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My ex boyfriend (we dated on and off for 2.5 years) wanted to move out of state since the beginning of our relationship and wanted me to go with. I wanted to go too, but I wanted the relationship to be more solid and committed than it was. He wasn't sure if he wanted to get married and we had some other issues (his constant pot smoking, disrespect and some opposite values). But overall we got along well. I loved him and he said loved me too. I thought a move might be good because I wanted a change too.

 

The problem was I own a house and have a good job, so it wasn't easy for me to pick up and leave. I wanted him to get a job and a place there and I would come later when I took care of my responsibilities here (he had been unemployed for six months prior). He wasn't really looking that hard for a job there or making real plans. So I thought he was ok with waiting until we figured out some logistics.

 

Well I was wrong! Two months ago he decided to break up with me and said it was "taking too long." He moved in with a friend so he could "figure out his life." He then took a trip out of the country and was messaging me during that time saying he missed me and was going to apply for a job here. Not a week a week after he got back from his trip and packed up and moved out of state! He told me via text. I feel deceived and hurt. He said he was confused about what he wanted and I deserved better. But a few months ago he had said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he had grown up so much himself over the time we spent together.

 

After going over all of our conversations in my head I remember he gave me lots of other compliments (everyone is sad we broke up, you're so pretty, you have an amazing heart, you have so much more going for you than I do), but said also he needed more of a free spirit and he knew I wasn't the right one for him. How do you move on from feeling so lead on and disappointed? I can't stop thinking about him. I'm kicking myself for not being able to be more of what he wanted. I am a free spirit, I just needed him to give me a little more security. We have no contact since early this week and I don't think either of us will going forward. I made it pretty clear that I was disappointed in his inability to work things out and instead just move on. Why do people do this to people? Change their minds and hurt others. I feel like he has a mental disorder because he can't make up his mind about anything and seems like he would rather be 23 than his real age 33. How do I heal? I feel so embarrassed that I gave so much time and energy to someone who is a liar and a manipulator.

Edited by Ms.Gia
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sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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Posted

I'm sorry that you're hurting, Gia.

 

It sounds like he realized he wasn't in love with you anymore. Feelings change, but I don't think he was lying to you. I think he meant all of his compliments. But, unfortunately, feelings do change... sometimes erratically. I can understand why you think he lied and manipulated you, but I really do just think his feelings change a lot--it happens to the best of us. We aren't necessarily able to prevent them from changing or keeping still.

 

You heal by continuing to do no contact. He acknowledged that you deserve better, and I think he believes that. You deserve someone who is willing to wait for you, and who is willing to have a life partnership with you (it seems like that's what you want). He wasn't willing to wait anymore, and he wasn't sure if he wanted marriage. Just a couple of the reasons why I'm sure he feels like you deserve something "better."

 

Again, continue with no contact. This is how you will heal. You have a lot going for you, and you have a lot to offer others. Right now, focus on you and on making yourself happy.

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Ms.Gia New Member

Ms.Gia

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Thanks for taking the time to respond. It's time for me to get strong on my own and realize he wasn't the right one for me -- as much as we both tried to make it work in our own ways. As much as it hurts, I have to let go of the negativity and pain, appreciate the good things I have in my life, and move on. I don't need to know how he's doing or keep in touch. He made the choice to exit my life, so it's time I exit his and extinguish the candle that's been still burning.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting, Gia.

 

It sounds like he realized he wasn't in love with you anymore. Feelings change, but I don't think he was lying to you. I think he meant all of his compliments. But, unfortunately, feelings do change... sometimes erratically. I can understand why you think he lied and manipulated you, but I really do just think his feelings change a lot--it happens to the best of us. We aren't necessarily able to prevent them from changing or keeping still.

 

You heal by continuing to do no contact. He acknowledged that you deserve better, and I think he believes that. You deserve someone who is willing to wait for you, and who is willing to have a life partnership with you (it seems like that's what you want). He wasn't willing to wait anymore, and he wasn't sure if he wanted marriage. Just a couple of the reasons why I'm sure he feels like you deserve something "better."

 

Again, continue with no contact. This is how you will heal. You have a lot going for you, and you have a lot to offer others. Right now, focus on you and on making yourself happy.

Edited by Ms.Gia
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sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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Posted

Gia, again, I am sorry that you're hurting. <3

 

The candle may take a while to be fully extinguished, and if so, remember that it's okay. Sometimes it will burn brighter than others; sometimes it will be very dim. Eventually, it'll be out altogether.

 

What's important is that you keep the flame in your heart alight. :) I'm glad that you respect yourself enough to leave him alone when that's what he wants.

 

Someday, you're going to attract an amazing partner who loves you completely. Because the light that's in your heart will radiate and it can only draw someone who is truly compatible with you on all levels. :)

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Ms.Gia New Member

Ms.Gia

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Agreed. And so will you! In order to be fair to myself, I do have to say that I am not respecting his wishes with no contact. Originally he wanted to stay "friends", but out of my own self respect and sanity I said no thanks. I also unfriended him and his immediate family on Facebook. I felt kind of guilty and a little immature for deleting his family, but ultimately I think it was the right thing for me to do.

 

I'm looking forward to that point of indifference when hearing or saying his name doesn't even phase me. I know it will take some time. Thanks again, Sooshi. You made me feel a lot better last night when you replied to my post. Peace and love to you. :)

 

Gia, again, I am sorry that you're hurting. <3

 

The candle may take a while to be fully extinguished, and if so, remember that it's okay. Sometimes it will burn brighter than others; sometimes it will be very dim. Eventually, it'll be out altogether.

 

What's important is that you keep the flame in your heart alight. :) I'm glad that you respect yourself enough to leave him alone when that's what he wants.

 

Someday, you're going to attract an amazing partner who loves you completely. Because the light that's in your heart will radiate and it can only draw someone who is truly compatible with you on all levels. :)

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