Proposal Imminent: Should I Accept?

[pseudosauce]

Would it be wrong for me to accept a proposal from my boyfriend of two and a half years if I am not absolutely certain that I do want to marry him? I am 25 and he is 33.

 

A bit of backstory: it has been a rough courtship (see the first thread I ever started: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/344443-relationships-s-o-s-parent-s-terminal-illness ), and after that rough start, it became rougher, in short order his friend committed suicide, his aunt on his mothers side died from the same type of cancer his father died from, his uncle died, his brother in law died, and these were just the tragedies involving death.

 

I stayed with him, though I was ill-equipped to give him the support he needed, I tried my best. I love him dearly, we are great friends, and our sex life only seems to get better with time. There was one "break up" over the course of our relationship, and it lasted about a month, bourne of my utter inability to cope with my stressful work environment. It spiraled out of control as any time I attempted to explain I was depressed, he would yell, thus one day I just stopped answering his texts and phone calls.

 

Since we've gotten back together we get along better than ever. One day, for whatever reason, we ended up talking about children, he said "oh I didn't know you wanted children, that changes everything" I thought he meant it changed it for the worse but ever since he has been hinting at proposing all the way up to asking how I would react if he were to propose (sneaky, eh? Hehe)

 

I told him I would probably faint (which is true). I'm not saying I don't have my faults, however, I work upwards of 40 hours a week, clawing my way up the corporate ladder in the casino business, while he sits at home, or goes to the bar. He has no visible source of income, yet owns his brand new four bedroom house, and drives a late model Lexus SUV that his parents gave him (I'm assuming it's the same deal with the house, but I don't pry)

 

It is not that he is unambituous, he is forever working on the big idea du jour, and never seems to want for anything. The big downsides are that his is an unapologetic drunk to the tune of 2 liters of whiskey a day ("alcoholics go to meetings") and who downs enough perscription amphetamines daily to kill a horse.

 

I have my own demons, yet I have held my current job for over eight years from the age of 17. Since I love him unconditionally I have never once even asked anything along the lines of "are you going to get a real job?" Because it appears he wants for nothing, short of a few bouts of being cash poor due to being an unrepentant compulsive gambler.

 

For the sake of myself and my future offspring, would it be intellectually dishonest to accept his proposal, then later add conditions to the agreement later as to not "ruin the moment"? He is a published author and poet, so he does have idealized and romanticized notions about proposal and marriage, and he himself said he would not want to start a family without being financially stable (to him:bringing in 100k or more a year).

 

I'm afraid I'm dooming myself, I know he looks like a very bad bet on paper, however I have never felt this way about anyone. I struggle with languishing in this relationship I can't let go of, that I know won't, nay, I shouldn't take further.

 

He is extremely thin skinned, and his actions, emotional states, and constantly "splitting" to extremes are very indicative of "borderline personality disorder", though he does seem to be "growing out of it" which, what the experts concede, is the prognosis... for lack of a better, clinical term.

 

There is also the concern that I can knowingly fritter my life away on a go-nowhere relationship, that's on me, but I don't want to hold him back if he wants the next step and beyond in his life. I don't think it's fair to not be on the same page when it comes to this stuff. I'm concerned that I should do the right thing and lay it all out on the table if/when he proposes, but I'm at a loss as to whether accept or decline it considering how conditional it is to me.

 

To anyone who actually read all this and thinks they could help, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[Poppygoodwill]

......

It is not that he is unambituous, he is forever working on the big idea du jour, and never seems to want for anything. The big downsides are that his is an unapologetic drunk to the tune of 2 liters of whiskey a day ("alcoholics go to meetings") and who downs enough perscription amphetamines daily to kill a horse.

.....Because it appears he wants for nothing, short of a few bouts of being cash poor due to being an unrepentant compulsive gambler.

 

 

It's hard to believe you're even asking the question, but the answer is: DO NOT MARRY HIM.

 

Read the above again. He's just 33 and already he's drinking this heavily and taking drugs every day to function despite the depressive effects of the alcohol. And gambling, just for good measure. The ONLY thing that has kept him out of jail or living on the street is that he has this mysterious source of money that you have never asked too closely about. From his parents? Seriously. He's got to be selling drugs or similar. And if by some miracle it was his parents, all they are doing is making it easy for him to be an addict.

 

Either way, it's one thing to date a guy when you're 25 who has problems like these which are only going to get worse and be entirely destructive. It's entirely another to marry one and be stuck with him your whole life.

 

So you get along, so what? YOu can have great sex with many different people. People who aren't alcoholics or drug abusers.

 

You're young. get out now.

[soccerrprp]

DO NOT ACCEPT THE PROPOSAL! In fact, you should move on. You will be marrying into a VERY UNSTABLE situation...

 

I'm afraid I'm dooming myself, I know he looks like a very bad bet on paper, however I have never felt this way about anyone. I struggle with languishing in this relationship I can't let go of, that I know won't, nay, I shouldn't take further.

 

You're feelings are that of someone who is co-dependent, not truly in love. Despite ALL OF THE NUMEROUS RED FLAGS, you persist on staying with him. You know this is unhealthy, but you still consider staying with him. You will DOOM yourself to years (far less time, if you're lucky and get out sooner) of misery if you stay.

Edited April 5, 2014 by soccerrprp

[dichotomy]

 

For the sake of myself and my future offspring......

 

 

Screeeeeeeaaachhhhhh.... (slamming on brakes).

 

Thats it right there. Your choice to be with this guy on your own... through his drinking drugs and what ever. You are an adult - take the relationship as you wish.

 

Now picture a sweet little girl - (or boy) about 5 or 6. Daddy is drunk again - or on drugs, your little one is crying (or you are in front of the kids), sad, and messed up for life with this person you have choose to parent with...or you divorce - but the kids still have to cope with addicted drunk dad. They wonder if they are at fault, how they can save him, if they can be good ... and he will do stop drinking or be a better dad, if they can save mom.

 

Think of these sweet little future faces.....looking up at you wondering what is wrong...what maybe they did wrong... when you tell your BF "NO to marriage" and let yourself off the hook with this guy .

Edited April 5, 2014 by dichotomy

[MissBee]

Didn't read your whole post in depth, only needed to read the initial question about should you accept a proposal if you're not sure, the short answer is: HELL NO!

 

If you have to go through all this and say he looks like a bad bet on paper and really rationalize it: HELL NO!

 

I wouldn't accept a proposal from anyone unless I was CERTAIN I wanted to marry them and can't envision anything else and everything is lining up on paper and otherwise.

 

Be honest with him. First off, have you guys discussed marriage and where you stand? I don't see proposals as some surprise around the corner but an actual life choice a couple makes together about if they want to even marry each other, then the day he picks out the ring and asks is the surprise but not the fact of wanting to get married. He should already know your answer is yes because it has been previously discussed. That's the first step. Leading off with surprise proposals is crazy to me and indeed something from the movies. Sit down and discuss all you've discussed here with him so he knows where you stand and so that there is no surprise proposal.

[d0nnivain]

Marriage makes a bad situation worse.

 

The fact that he has multiple addiction problems makes me wonder why you even date him, let alone would consider marrying him.

 

Since you love him, I guess at least for now you want to stay with him. That alone is a bad decision. If you are planning to stay, the next time he hints about marriage, respond with something along the lines of "we're no where near ready to talk about something like that."

[Downtown]

He is extremely thin skinned, and his actions, emotional states, and constantly "splitting" to extremes are very indicative of "borderline personality disorder", though he does seem to be "growing out of it" which, what the experts concede, is the prognosis... for lack of a better, clinical term.

What experts? No, a 34 year old man with BPD will not "grow out of it." Granted, there are a few recent studies indicating that, starting in the mid-forties, many BPDers start mellowing a bit -- with the result that they no longer meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD." That vague finding, however, does not imply that they will be significantly easier to live with.

 

One problem with that study result is that the diagnostic threshold for "having BPD" is set extremely high to meet the political pressure from courts (who don't want to institutionalize people), hospitals (who don't want to admit too many people), and the therapists (who are loath to give that label to a client). That threshold is NOT designed to meet the needs of spouses and partners trying to decide if the BPDer is marriageable material. The reason is that a person satisfying 80% or 90% of the diagnostic criteria (and thus "not having BPD") may be nearly as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100%.

 

My experience is that, unless a BPDer has worked hard in at least several years of intensive therapy, his BPD traits will not improve substantially with age even though he may mellow a little bit. Moreover, even if his BPD traits improve slightly, his behavior toward YOU likely will get worse. As the years go by, he will become increasingly resentful of your inability to make him happy -- an impossible task. At the same time, he may grow increasingly fearful of abandonment as he sees his body aging.

[pseudosauce]

Thanks for the reality check everybody, I've always known it wasn't feasible to have even a halfway decent life with him. There is nothing in the world that can mitigate the cold hard fact that he is not "marriage material"

 

I always told myself I was "just having fun" I got together with him straight out of rehab (for a 3 year, severe painkiller addiction) and found him supportive of my staying clean though he had no intention of changing anything. I know I enable him emotionally, just by not saying anything about his destructive behavior. My mother was an alcoholic, diagnosed with bipolar depression so bad, the psychiatrist told my father that if she did not comply with taking her meds, she would end up a bag lady. This prediction was scarily accurate.

 

I have severe anxiety issues, I definitely need to get in for some counseling. I do want to have children, but I would never bring them into a situation where they have an alcoholic parent, I know that pain too well.

 

Thanks for the kick in the butt everybody! I'm not saying that I'm going to break up with him tomorrow, but I now know that even considering trying to change him is as laughable as I thought.

[Eivuwan]

 

I always told myself I was "just having fun" I got together with him straight out of rehab (for a 3 year, severe painkiller addiction) and found him supportive of my staying clean though he had no intention of changing anything. I know I enable him emotionally, just by not saying anything about his destructive behavior. My mother was an alcoholic, diagnosed with bipolar depression so bad, the psychiatrist told my father that if she did not comply with taking her meds, she would end up a bag lady. This prediction was scarily accurate.

 

Seems like you chose him because this is the type of stuff you are used to growing up so the horribleness of his problems does not hit you as much as other people. This pattern of being with people who may not be the best for you because they are what you are used to is a difficult habit for anyone to break. But as you know by now, the reality is that there is no way to have a healthy relationship with these people.

[TigerLilly78]

Surely this thread is a wind up?..I cant be the only one thinking this or am I just the only one saying it..

[pseudosauce]

I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but honestly, dating in Las Vegas, you run into people who are even worse.

 

I have tried to figure out why I fell so hard for him, and obviously there's that scramble for support after you get out of rehab, especially since most of my family abandoned me when I sat them down and told them my drug problems had gotten to the point where I almost died twice in one week (yes, I organized my own intervention) and they expect nothing but perfect behavior from us, and are WASPish to the point that "bad" things are simply not discussed. It was refreshing to be with someone who embraced the darker side of life, and who was so open to discussing mental problems and the phenomenon of self-medication.

 

Also, I was quite shy and with little to no self esteem. His larger than life personality (fueled by the drugs, of course) was intoxicating itself, he was an accomplished author, musician, and journalist. I was also downright afraid of his rapidly changing mental states, and his unpredictability. He never physically harmed me (the one thing that I will walk out on any man for) but my inability to understand why he would be professing his undying love for me one minute then acting like I was the devil incarnate the next was upsetting until I sought information and all the boxes were checked for him having BPD.

 

It is especially hard to let go of people who are so charismatic despite their numerous red flags. I saw the red flags from the beginning, my higher brain functions screamed "get out now!" I always envisioned myself running into the red flags like cartoon characters walk around in that gag where they step on a rake and the handle hits them in the face.

 

You ask if a woman's heart could be that foolish, and I'm here to say that it has an endless capacity for hope, misguided or otherwise, that a man can change.

Edited April 6, 2014 by pseudosauce
Added a comma

[TigerLilly78]

As a women who lived with a abusive alcoholic and then a compulsive gambler for many years. I will give you one one word of solid advice no one changes unless they want to end of story! So you ether accept him as he is or you don't cause you will never change him..