how long does it take to let go of the hate that came with being dumped?

[kat1012]

My ex-bf dumped me months ago. He's my first bf. I know we wont be back together. I don't feel as bad as before, but somehow I am still feeling the hate that came along with the break-up

 

He broke up with me without the guts of telling me he wanted to end it until I called (instead of texting) after at least one week of him being really distant (and he told me himself that he originally planned to just let it fade out instead of telling me we're done).

He called me names while we are in the relationship when I was trying my best to communicate at that time (and I admit I could have acted better).

And I was in a really bad self-blaming phase (not that I am completely out of it) for months because I couldn't stop thinking about why we broke up and how I may have done things that ultimately lead to the break up, and the names he called me made me hate myself because I realized he's probably right, and I knew I could have done better

 

He's probably very happy to have dumped me and moving on with his life, while I can still sometimes feel the remnants of the break-up. I remember three months after the break-up, I found out on FB that he finally had a new job, I was there for him for months when he's still looking for one, it gutted me a bit and I feel like a bad person.

 

I know it's not healthy to hate. But I feel like the only way to feel better about myself is to be better than him, keep telling myself that I need to work hard and graduate since I know I will get a job and be much more successful that him, and it makes me sound like a bad person

 

How long does it take to finally stop hating? I am scared that whenever I looked at my first relationship, all I can feel is hatred, to him and to myself.

[mtnbiker3000]

Hate and anger only hurt you. The sooner you let go, the better...

[TaraMaiden]

Hatred is a bit like spontaneous human combustion.... it's all-consuming and begins as a little ember, and envelops you completely.

 

The hater always hurts first.

The problem is, he doesn't even know you have this hatred, so it really is completely, utterly pointless.

 

You need to shift your focus from the 'hatred' you have for him, to nurturing and loving yourself, because part of this hatred is the belief that you are therefore unlovable....

 

Look to yourself, your well-being and your contentment.

 

That's what you should now concentrate on...

[somedude81]

I was with my GF for six months. She was my first. She dumped me four months ago and I still have a ton of hate towards her.

 

Hopefully your hate will go away soon. It's not fun to have such strong negative feelings toward someone.

[Ordinaryday]

while I agree that it is bad to hold onto hate (because it only hurts yourself) dont confuse that and think that you want to feel love/good towards your ex.

 

you want complete and utter indifference.

 

the kind that if they emailed you in a years time and begged you to take them back, you would delete it without responding and go about your day without giving it a second thought.

[jonsnuh]

As long as it takes for you to let go.