Get over a friend with benefits almost a year on?

[xbloodflower]

Okay, I'm new to this kind of thing so I'm not sure if I've posted in the right section...

 

So the title says it all really...I'm finding it really difficult to get over a 'friend with benefits' and was wondering if anyones experienced the same type of thing, and how they got through it... I think I just needed somewhere to vent as well, as I don't want to admit how I feel to anybody I know.

It's very long, I tried condensing but I just needed to rant and couldn't stop once I'd started, so don't bother reading if you don't want to be bored!

 

So basically I met a guy, we decided we didn't want anything more than 'friends with benefits', it gradually became more than 'just sex' and veered towards 'almost a relationship', I finally admitted to myself I had feelings for him, I told him, he said he didn't care for me and didn't want a relationship, we ended it, a few weeks later he got in a relationship, I got mad, he said it just 'felt right' with this girl, a few weeks later it ended, he fed me a bunch of well-versed lies about how he 'missed my smell' and 'I just lie in bed and you're not here and it makes me sad' and 'I miss the comfort of you' and 'I can't listen to Every Me Every You or watch Once Upon A Time because they remind me of you and you're not here' and 'please come round and we can talk about the future and build up to starting a relationship together'. I foolishly went round, we discussed taking things slowly and building up to said relationship, went to work the next day with high hopes only to receive a text off him a few hours later saying he had changed his mind and was planning on moving abroad in a few months time so didn't want a relationship. I obviously didn't believe him but I just accepted it after a few failed attempts at changing his mind.

 

Throughout all this though, I was an emotional wreck on the inside, but all smiles on the outside. I find it hard to show people how I'm really feeling and prefer to just act like it doesn't bother me. It usually only takes me a month, maybe two, to get over someone....but I'm still here 10 months later feeling exactly the same way I felt when it originally ended.

 

I've met him twice since he told me he was 'moving abroad' and both times we've ended up kissing, the second time (only last month) he ended up staying the night - we just kissed (a lot) and cuddled. It just felt familiar and I realised in the morning I was just setting myself up to get hurt again, so I tried to cut all ties.

 

But then he started messaging me on facebook (despite us no longer being 'friends' on there). And every time he messages me I can't help but reply because I feel a need for that contact.

 

For the past year I don't think there has been a day that has gone by where he hasn't crossed my mind. I think about him constantly, what if, why, how? I know he doesn't care and I hate myself for still caring for him and wanting to spend time with him and it's like a constant battle not to ask him to meet up or just to speak to him or anything. Sometimes if I sit and think about it I end up pacing around clutching my hair trying to rid myself of the thoughts before I get wound up, but I always end up delving too deeply into it and thinking about everything - the good and the bad - and then find myself shaking uncontrollably and wiping tears off my chin. It's pathetic really but it's happening and it's making me so angry that I'm still letting him get to me when I constantly remind myself he doesn't care and he's not worth it. And I know he'd just be so smug if he knew I still cry about him.

 

And that happened tonight, for like the 10th day running or something, and I don't know if it's because I'm lonely and have too much time on my hands so I let myself think about it, or if it's only just catching up on me or what. But I was just looking through photos on my old laptop and accidentally stumbled across one of the pair of us at blue planet aquarium and it set me off, and I just paced around, threw a couple of cushions at the wall, threw myself onto my bed, and began to shake. I didn't cry this time but I couldn't stop the shaking, and I just didn't know what to do with myself for a long while, and I just thought "I don't want to feel like this anymore". When I eventually stopped shaking I glanced at my laptop and he'd messaged me out of the blue saying "hey what are you up to?"

 

So, any suggestions on how the hell I get him out of my mind? Or force myself to actually block him from facebook? Because part of me is saying do it and part of me is resisting because she's still holding on to the last thread of hope...

[LadyM]

I know you're still holding on to the last thread of hope, but there really is no hope. I was in a situation with a male friend, off and on for many years. I always wanted to date him, always thought he would come around because we got along so great, but he never did. Took me years to understand there would never be more.

 

I don't know why we have hope for these men who give us every indication they're not interested in more with us. Anyway, my suggestion for you is eliminate all contact with this man. He will continue to do nothing less than mess with your head -- as long as you allow this to happen. Take control. Be strong. You can do this. You don't want or need a man who toys with your affections. He will use you for as long as you let him. You don't want to be manipulated any longer. It will be impossible for you to get over him and into a healthy relationship as long as there is continued contact with him.

 

Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. I promise you will survive this and thrive!