Should I break up with him?

[bluelady]

I'm at a crossroads, and I'm really not sure what to do! Don't get me wrong - I love my boyfriend, I can't imagine my life without him. I definitely can't imagine my life with someone else either. I know he feels the same way; he's so gentle, so loving, so sweet. He never spends a moment not showing me how appreciative he is of me. I've been in love before, but not like this - not with such mutual respect and such passion.

 

On the other hand, I am severely depressed due to something traumatic that happened while ago. I really thought I was over it a year ago, but I guess I am not. I think I spend 90% of the time around him happy. When I am sad, I try really hard to stay upbeat because I don't want him to see me sad. Sometimes though, I can't help having panic attacks or crying - usually I do these quietly while he is sleeping.

 

I feel like I'm spiraling though and things are about to get much worse. I don't want to drag him into it. We've been together almost a year and everything has been really great - all of our "downs" have been external things that we helped each other work on to become happy. I don't think we've ever been upset at each other or hurt each other and in a lot of ways I feel like he's my soulmate if that even exists. He's fairly young (25) and extraordinarily successful, and I just don't want to bring him down. I don't want to be a burden to him. I just know he's meant to be something really great and my emotional pains will eventually bring him down.

 

I know it'll burn me to let him go - but I can't imagine dragging him through this when none of it was his fault. I know he'd be there in a heart beat if he knew, but I also know having a depressed partner can be really demoralizing and painful. I don't want to imagine my life without him, and I know I'd regret not having him every day - but I'd rather be unhappy knowing he was happier without me. I'm not sure how much longer it's going to take me to heal, but I really do feel like I'd be holding him back. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'll ever heal. He has achieved so much at such a young age - what right do I have to take it away?

 

What do I do? I don't want to tell him about it and trap him into being there for me - I know he wouldn't be able to turn away no matter how hard it got. I want him to lead a fulfilling life. I'm okay with being unhappy as long as he is happy. What would I even say to him? I worry about hurting his feelings all the time! I don't want him to know I'm sad - I don't want to make him sad too.

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

Have you had psychotherapy or counselling?

That should be your first port of call....

[bluelady]

Yes, I have been in therapy for 2 years. While I have gotten better, I still go through really upset moods. They used to be 24/7, and they went away for awhile, but now they're back. They're still nowhere near as often as they used to be. My therapist says it's very normal to relapse. I get physically sick from them and it sucks but it's on me not him.

 

What I'm saying though is I don't want to drag him through it. I can become very sick and it just seems so cruel. A break up is much easier to deal with - at least he can move on.

[Sasukie]

Not really sure what you're looking for.

 

 

From your post you're leaning towards breaking up with him for his sake.

But then you say he's so great and you guys are perfect with each other and he'll be there for you.

 

 

What is it that you want? Because this feels pretty wishy washy.

 

 

Its the same as saying:

Oh this strawberry looks delicious and juicy, the colors are so vibrant and the fruit is so ripe. And its so rare to find one so beautiful!!!

 

 

...but I'm not going to eat it.

[bluelady]

Haven't you ever cared about something enough to want to protect it?

 

I'm saying I don't want to end up being a giant burden on his life. I want him to be happy, but if he's around me I know he won't be able to be happy. It's not something I want to choose.

 

I guess I was just wondering if someone had gone through something similar and had any advice. It's really hard. Maybe if anyone else had been really sick and chosen to give someone up because they didn't want to drag them through it. Like what I should say or what I should expect or what I can do.

Edited April 4, 2014 by bluelady

[Strength in Healing]

Maybe you should have been honest with him an opened up about the trauma? The only reason you're considering ending the relationship, clearly, is because you've been hiding a major part of yourself from it.

 

This is asinine. It isn't valiant to destroy someones heart because you can't give them the benefit of the doubt that they can and would be willing to work through it with you.

 

Perhaps you should stop making his decisions for him, and allow him to break up with you if he wants to. Stop pretending.

 

Sorry this is so harsh, but really, you're better hearing this now than later.

[bluelady]

I feel like you didn't read my post at all. I didn't say he couldn't work through it with me. I know he would be supportive and I don't think he would ever leave.

 

What I'm saying is I'm probably going to be this way for a long time, he's a very successful and happy guy, and a heart break is much easier than what I'm going to drag him through. He's seen me upset before, cry, sure but I don't think any person deserves to be with someone sick and depressed for long periods of time. It's just cruel. Even if he wants to be there, I don't want to torture him. What if I'm like this my whole life? He deserves to be happy.

[elseaacych]

You'd be surprised how many people would be willing to help their partners work through their mental illness because they love that person so much, they would do anything to help them out, even if it means that it impacts their quality of life a bit, because that person makes them more happy than any material possession or person ever could.

 

We all have many potential destinies based on our life experiences, skills, mental health, and desires. It is up to us to balance our desires and goals to achieve the life we want to live. If love is important to us, we may make sacrifices for love that don't make sense.

 

What you need to do with your partner is be honest with him about your mental illness, encourage him to learn more about it, to support you. In the meantime, you work through your stuff, and do your best to support him! Because that's what lovers do! It sounds like you have something wonderful. Don't be so quick to throw it away just because you feel you don't deserve it.

[Strength in Healing]

I feel like you didn't read my post at all. I didn't say he couldn't work through it with me. I know he would be supportive and I don't think he would ever leave.

 

What I'm saying is I'm probably going to be this way for a long time, he's a very successful and happy guy, and a heart break is much easier than what I'm going to drag him through. He's seen me upset before, cry, sure but I don't think any person deserves to be with someone sick and depressed for long periods of time. It's just cruel. Even if he wants to be there, I don't want to torture him. What if I'm like this my whole life? He deserves to be happy.

 

 

Listen to me closely.

 

I read your post.

 

I understand it, and the dynamics of what you're saying.

 

You need to hear though, that if he loves you, he deserves to be told the truth, and to decide himself at some point whether he wants to break up. You aren't doing him any favors by breaking up with him.

 

I sense the trauma, unfortunately, has caused a degree of an inferiority complex, perhaps masochism? Realize it or not, what you're asking for permission to do is punish yourself.

[Sasukie]

I agree with SIH. If he means all that to you, this issue should be discussed with him. What happens in the future, we don't know, but for this particular issue it seems as if working with your bf will be more effective than asking "should I break up with him?". It'll also save you all those follow questions after lets say you had chosen to break up, "How do I get him back, I regret it, blah blah so forth".

 

Speak with your significant other, try to find workarounds. You are only a drag if you don't try.

[bluelady]

Thank you for the kind words; I really appreciate it. I know that he'd be willing to lower his quality of life to be with me - but does it make sense at all that I don't want him to? We support each other in a lot of ways, but I feel like it's too much to ask even if he's more than willing to give it up. What if he wants children some day? There are days where it's too hard sometimes for me to bathe standing up.

 

--

 

I think to be a masochist you have to enjoy this and I certainly don't. I don't think of this as a punishment... I just want what is best. I just want to protect him. I'd obviously tell him why I was breaking up with him - I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or maybe an experience that would change my mind.

[bluelady]

I agree with SIH. If he means all that to you, this issue should be discussed with him. What happens in the future, we don't know, but for this particular issue it seems as if working with your bf will be more effective than asking "should I break up with him?". It'll also save you all those follow questions after lets say you had chosen to break up, "How do I get him back, I regret it, blah blah so forth".

 

Speak with your significant other, try to find workarounds. You are only a drag if you don't try.

 

You've pointed out a lot of things I should think about.

 

Of course I would be sad, but I don't think I'd regret it if he ended up happier. I think when I was younger I used to love in this way, but I don't think I could be selfish enough to try to get him back after breaking his heart. I'm actually really not sure I'd ever want to be with anyone - especially emotionally - after him.

 

On the other hand though, I'm a sick person. That doesn't mean I can't be loved or don't deserve to be, but still I am ruining a really wonderful person's life. Maybe I'm not damaging him purposefully, but I am hurting him. I don't want to do that to someone I love. I don't know any more.

[Strength in Healing]

It sounds as if your mind is already made, and you're more so looking for validation.

 

And masochism isn't so black and white -- the general perception is pleasure is derived from your own misery, but it's complex; you may have NO IDEA you are deriving pleasure from it consciously, and even think you despise it, but repeated actions against yourself speak to what your subconscious is feeling. Not saying you are masochistic, it may be something else entirely, but I can discern one thing positively:

 

You have serious self-esteem issues... unfortunately, presumably, from the trauma. It become apparent when you said...

 

lower his quality of life to be with me

 

Drop that garbage.

[bluelady]

I guess I'm not really looking for typical validation, but for advice on how to do it and it turns out better... or advice on how it turns out badly and why I should avoid it.

 

Of course his life quality would be lowered. Have you ever been with someone who is depressed? They ruin your mood. You come home happy to see them and they're laying in bed upset. You try to do something nice for them and they cry. It's frustrating, it's painful. Sometimes it can feel like they don't love you back.

 

I'm not sure that's a self esteem issue as much as it is reality. I know I have positive sides too, but the truth is I will hurt him if I stay with him.

[Strength in Healing]

If your depression is truly this bad, I recommend you go volunteer for one of the Ketamine, treatment-resistant depression studies. Seems to be doing incredible wonders in the pharmaceutical world right now.

 

 

I dealt with depression, and I dated a girl for four years who not only had depression, but also was bipolar.

 

It wasn't the depression nor bipolar that truly killed us, it was her final actions.

 

 

If you want to be alone so bad, then be alone and suffer in your depression further, but don't pretend it's to do him any favors.

 

It's because you are depressed that you're thinking this way. You want to be alone and suffer because your depression commands it. RECOGNIZE IT, and try to counter it!

[bluelady]

Really?

 

Do you think you could point out some things I can do as a depressed person to help him? I'm just really concerned about how he will feel when I'm really sad. I think it's harder for people who are empathetic especially like he is. You could private message it to me if you want. I would really, really appreciate it.

[bluelady]

I'm not asking for therapy or anything; I have a therapist and I've been working with her and she is wonderful. Just some of your experiences on the other side and what I can do to help him. I will e-mail you! Thanks.