ablankslate Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Maybe 5 years ago I had a deep suspicion my wife was involved with another guy..a parent on my kids soccer team. They were both team managers and were together "working" quite a bit. I saw quite a few phone calls that seemed beyond norm. I asked her about and she was outraged. I had no further proof and it ended there. We moved away for two years and have came back about 6 months ago. Two months ago when I was out of town I got a pocket dial one evening. What I heard was a her own self bondage self play time. I was stunned. Our "normal" sex life has been very fulfilling and though I have ask multiple times if anything is missing she has always said "nothing at all" But I have suspected she was hiding something. What I have come to learn is she is very pro and uses lots of household items as "pervertibles". So a week or so after some wine I asked her is she was interested in any Shades of Grey play and she acted shocked and said "you must be joking that kink?" Okay so she is hiding something for sure. Next day I did some hunting and found a red g-string in between sewing materials. I then got on her computer and searched history for the guy I thought she was having an affair with and found two searches for his contact info in May/July 2012. I then looked through her old emails and found both searches were done a day before traveling back to visit friends. Now that we have been back 6 months I have seen some long afternoon shopping trips and later work evenings. I have not found anything on phone bills or computer but notice she is using Incognito because you can see time gaps on history and she is using quite a bit of cell data more then the rest of the family. So welcome any thoughts on next steps. Clearly there was something going on with the guy I suspected. She had no reason to search for his contact twice 2 years after we left the team. She is hiding a g-string. She is into self bondage but does not want me to know. The question is she into partner bondage? Welcome any advice on my next steps. We have been I thought happily married for 22 years..
gotsohosed Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 If you really want to know what is going on search google for micro recorders and don't spare the $. Get the best you can. You will be so surprised what is said behind your back in your own house. I read somewhere that if you suspect then you are usually 90% correct. good luck 1
Furious Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Maybe 5 years ago I had a deep suspicion my wife was involved with another guy..a parent on my kids soccer team. They were both team managers and were together "working" quite a bit. I saw quite a few phone calls that seemed beyond norm. I asked her about and she was outraged. I had no further proof and it ended there. We moved away for two years and have came back about 6 months ago. Two months ago when I was out of town I got a pocket dial one evening. What I heard was a her own self bondage self play time. I was stunned. Our "normal" sex life has been very fulfilling and though I have ask multiple times if anything is missing she has always said "nothing at all" But I have suspected she was hiding something. What I have come to learn is she is very pro and uses lots of household items as "pervertibles". So a week or so after some wine I asked her is she was interested in any Shades of Grey play and she acted shocked and said "you must be joking that kink?" Okay so she is hiding something for sure. Next day I did some hunting and found a red g-string in between sewing materials. I then got on her computer and searched history for the guy I thought she was having an affair with and found two searches for his contact info in May/July 2012. I then looked through her old emails and found both searches were done a day before traveling back to visit friends. Now that we have been back 6 months I have seen some long afternoon shopping trips and later work evenings. I have not found anything on phone bills or computer but notice she is using Incognito because you can see time gaps on history and she is using quite a bit of cell data more then the rest of the family. So welcome any thoughts on next steps. Clearly there was something going on with the guy I suspected. She had no reason to search for his contact twice 2 years after we left the team. She is hiding a g-string. She is into self bondage but does not want me to know. The question is she into partner bondage? Welcome any advice on my next steps. We have been I thought happily married for 22 years.. I hired a PI, I trusted my gut. I knew without solid proof I would never get the truth. My PI coached me to remain as normal as possible, to not put my husband on alert as to my sudpicion 1
whatatangledweb Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Put a keylogger on her computer. It will show what she is doing even when she is using Incognito. Does she let you look at her phone? 1
Friskyone4u Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 There is absolutely no reason the things you are finding can be anything good, especially the longer than average periods away from home. I am just guessing she is tech savvy or is using her work computer or a extra phone. If there is lingerie in the house or anywhere else that you have never seen or bought, then what is it for. There are a lot of things you can do but I would start ASAP
Furious Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I hired a PI, I trusted my gut. I knew without solid proof I would never get the truth. My PI coached me to remain as normal as possible, to not put my husband on alert as to my sudpicion Oops....didn't get a chance to edit. My PI coached me to remain as normal as possible, to not put my husband on alert as to my suspicion. He also mentored me, told me think about how I would feel and how I would deal with the possibility he was cheating. I thought long and hard over that period of time my husband was being investigated. I had the ugly luxury to think ahead and plan a d-day that I could control and maintain my dignity. For me, cheating was a deal breaker. Sadly, my worst fear was true. On my d-day I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I ask....what are you going to do in the aftermath if your suspicion come with hard evidence? How will you react....and what is your plan in that event? 1
excusememister Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 trust your gut, my friend. I agree. If I had listened to my gut, to my intuition, then my discovery would had been made 1.5 years before the actual day of discovery. 1
Spectre Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Your wife is clearly cheating on you. The solution is to simply divorce her. Just confront her, you already know what she is doing, why do you need anymore proof? Unless you are worried about needing proof when it comes to getting custody of the kids and stuff, then I get it. Otherwise, there is no reason to stick around anymore. Cheating with a parent on your kids soccer team? It doesn't get much sleazier then that. 1
Bryanp Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It is pretty obvious that she has been screwing this guy for years and years and putting your health at risk for STD's behind your back. She has had no problem lying to your face. She has been playing you for a fool and has made a complete farce of your marriage. I would strongly suggest: 1. Get tested for STD's. 2. Contact an attorney to understand your options. Your wife clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. It sounds like that she enjoys her lifestyle and has no problem living a double life style and making you look like a fool. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Insist on a polygraph and if she says no then see the attorney.
Spectre Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Why waste good money on a polygraph though? Especially for something you already know anyways. 1
Realist3 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Maybe 5 years ago I had a deep suspicion my wife was involved with another guy..a parent on my kids soccer team. They were both team managers and were together "working" quite a bit. I saw quite a few phone calls that seemed beyond norm. I asked her about and she was outraged. I had no further proof and it ended there. We moved away for two years and have came back about 6 months ago. Two months ago when I was out of town I got a pocket dial one evening. What I heard was a her own self bondage self play time. I was stunned. Our "normal" sex life has been very fulfilling and though I have ask multiple times if anything is missing she has always said "nothing at all" But I have suspected she was hiding something. What I have come to learn is she is very pro and uses lots of household items as "pervertibles". So a week or so after some wine I asked her is she was interested in any Shades of Grey play and she acted shocked and said "you must be joking that kink?" Okay so she is hiding something for sure. Next day I did some hunting and found a red g-string in between sewing materials. I then got on her computer and searched history for the guy I thought she was having an affair with and found two searches for his contact info in May/July 2012. I then looked through her old emails and found both searches were done a day before traveling back to visit friends. Now that we have been back 6 months I have seen some long afternoon shopping trips and later work evenings. I have not found anything on phone bills or computer but notice she is using Incognito because you can see time gaps on history and she is using quite a bit of cell data more then the rest of the family. So welcome any thoughts on next steps. Clearly there was something going on with the guy I suspected. She had no reason to search for his contact twice 2 years after we left the team. She is hiding a g-string. She is into self bondage but does not want me to know. The question is she into partner bondage? Welcome any advice on my next steps. We have been I thought happily married for 22 years.. You don't have anything yet to make any concrete conclusions. They raise red flags, but you really don't have much other than to prove she has/had a crush on this guy. Get a keylogger for her phone. 1
Sub Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Which part are you looking to disclose, because I think you have two issues. I think you can confront her directly on the sex thing. Don't ask "is anything missing from our sex life?" Tell her you KNOW something's going on based off of the pocket dial and the red g-string.
Author ablankslate Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Thanks to all for your input. For me I am going to download a keylogger that makes sense. All I really have is a red g string in a sewing basket and the 2012 search logs matched with emails communicating her return. The pocket dial and self play does not mean much. At question does it mean this is part of a broader alt sex life. Through several sites I have talked with women who are into SB. Some have kept it a secret from their husbands and many insist this is a private thing. But they also will say it can also be practice time for partner play. Any other tips appreciated. She handles the bills so a PI would be not possible at this time.
road Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Which part are you looking to disclose, because I think you have two issues. I think you can confront her directly on the sex thing. Don't ask "is anything missing from our sex life?" Tell her you KNOW something's going on based off of the pocket dial and the red g-string. Do not confront without evidence. Stay calm. Put a real time GPS on her car. Hide a VAR in her car and one in the house where she normally takes phone calls. Install key logger on the PC. 2
dichotomy Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Thanks to all for your input. For me I am going to download a keylogger that makes sense. All I really have is a red g string in a sewing basket and the 2012 search logs matched with emails communicating her return. The pocket dial and self play does not mean much. At question does it mean this is part of a broader alt sex life. Through several sites I have talked with women who are into SB. Some have kept it a secret from their husbands and many insist this is a private thing. But they also will say it can also be practice time for partner play. Any other tips appreciated. She handles the bills so a PI would be not possible at this time. I am sure you can find a way to come up with some cash some how. Best bet borrow it from a friend or family member. Really think it is time you started figuring out how to regain control of your cash flow and bills. You don't want her holding all the keys to your kingdom when the crap hits the fan as I suspect it will. Set up your own accounts now and consult a lawyer please. 4
BetrayedH Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I second the vote to borrow some money from a friend or family member. I borrowed $250 and bought a GPS for my wife's car. I caught her at a hotel from 10pm to midnight on the first download. Voice-activated-recorders (VARs) can also be helpful (and much less expensive) when velcroed under the steering column - affair partners almost always talk on the way to/from work. A PI can be hit or miss (and expensive). PC keyloggers work but you gotta be careful that they're not picked up by antivirus software (so being a little but of a techie helps). Keyloggers for the phones are the latest thing and you can just about guarantee that they're using their phones to keep in touch and then just deleting their texts/calls/history. Play dumb and compliant. Resist the urge to confront - it really accomplishes nothing but to give you up. Then they delete everything, coordinate their stories, and you've given up your one and only chance to ever really know the truth. Honestly, the time to confront her is when you're doing it with divorce papers. And as Furious mentioned, put some thought into what you may want to do IN ADVANCE. It's common for waywards to just bawl their poor little eyes out after Dday, tell you how they always loved you, and so on. How much will you let that sway you? Try to put some thought into that before things get crazy emotional. 4
Author ablankslate Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Do not confront without evidence. Stay calm. Put a real time GPS on her car. Hide a VAR in her car and one in the house where she normally takes phone calls. Install key logger on the PC. Any tips on where you put it in the car? Any key features to consider? TIA
BetrayedH Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Any tips on where you put it in the car? Any key features to consider? TIA I put the GPS under my wife's driver's seat but they also sometimes come with a protective case and powerful magnet so that it could go in a wheel well or similar place. My GPS had to be retrieved and the data downloaded into Google Maps on my PC. That's about $250 retail. The "live tracking" GPS is probably closer to $500 and may require a subscription. But then again, it's live. Kinda wish I had done that one but what I did worked. You might be able to find cheaper. I went to the hotel, got a duplicate receipt (since I'm her husband and all), and then guessed at her login to the hotel website (where I found 17 stays over the last six months). Over the next few months, I found a lot more stays at a lot of other hotels. For the VAR, many people advise under the seat but it can result in poor reception. That's why I recommend under the steering column; nobody looks there. 3
Author ablankslate Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Just a quick update and again thanks to all who have responded to this email thread. I have installed a keylogger but have yet to find anything out of the ordinary. I am tracking her car mileage and have seen several high mile commutes to the office. I have subscribed to USSearch and Spokeo to track cell phone numbers and have found a phone which is untraceable by either service and not in her phone records..a burner phone. I also have found some cell numbers linked to names of very old..some dead people and some in very poor areas of town. I think this is a records issue but i wonder if others have had this kind of results. I do want to share another technique which has been useful. If you feel like she might be in a cheating moment. Call her multiple times and she will likely answer. The result will show the cell phone tower location. You can confirm by records the towers she uses for work,shopping,etc but if other towers show up in the records at times when you think they are stepping out you can see this on cell phone records. Sorry if this has been mentioned before. Now last weekend I found out that this mystery number is an unknown phone. I called it using a call number block. The burner number rang and went to a message box without any greeting. That night was suppose to be our date night but she was too tired. So frankly I asked what is really going on? One thing led to another and I told here about the online history search I mentioned in my first post. She went crazy and told me I was nuts and had no recollection of ever doing anything like that. We went to the computer and pulled up the results and that they matched to return visits back to our previous home town and included the Facebook password change as well. With that she went ballistic called my sad,insecure,no trust packed her bag and walked out the door at 11:00 and said "you can tell the kids" I'm done. So I stayed up waiting for the kids to come home expected at 1:00 curfew. At 11:45 she came back with no words went to the guest bedroom to bed. Next day she got up just after me..came in and said. I don't know anything about what is on the computer but you have to "trust me". So what do I think? I need more proof. I think she is still stepping out on the marriage but desperately does not want to be found out. I think she wants both worlds. The happy home life/kids with traditional sex and the secret affair life with alt sex. I really believe she leads two lives. I read a quote by an expert on female cheating and here is the quote.."the real reason women cheat is to find another self" Does that resonate with anyone here? I have just bought a voice recorder and will put it in her car this weekend and welcome other thoughts. 1
whatatangledweb Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 She is being way too defensive for nothing to be going on. She is throwing out all kinds of red flags. I would get the VAR in her car. If you can afford it I would hire a PI. Or borrow a car and follow her yourself. Can you put a GPS on her phone ? 3
Davey L Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 A lot of the discussion here is about ways to get evidence. Keyloggers, GPS, VARs, PIs etc. Frankly I've never bothered. I have never even looked in my wife's purse, or checked her email, looked at her telephone or anything. Sure, I've been tempted, especially when I was highly suspicious at one time, but it seemed such a grotesque invasion of privacy that I did not. Surely if things have got to the point where one is prepared to spend £100's or £1000's on surveillance then trust is gone and the marriage is stuffed anyway? If your wife/husband is innocent then the surveillance is itself a kind of betrayal isn't it? At least, one is not being open and honest with the suspected spouse. If spouse is found to be innocent would people here (who mostly recommend disclosing affairs if the marriage is to continue) also recommend disclosing their own offensively intrusive surveillance? I personally would only use surveillance methods like this if I were already certain in my own mind about the affair, had decided to divorce, and lived in a fault-based divorce jurisdiction and needed the evidence in order not to get screwed over in the divorce courts. Even then I might be tempted instead just to write it off to experience.
tom670 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 She is being way too defensive for nothing to be going on. She is throwing out all kinds of red flags. I would get the VAR in her car. If you can afford it I would hire a PI. Or borrow a car and follow her yourself. Can you put a GPS on her phone ? She is way too defensive. Put a var in the car use lithium batteries and stick another var in the house. She is really trying to gaslight you. I'd like to see her reaction if you told her you are taking her for a polygraph test. 2
dichotomy Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 You blew it. You were advised to keep cool and calm until you had solid evidence. You were given many advanced spy tool suggestions or a PI. You tipped her off with nothing in your hand but more suspicions and vague evidence. 1) If she is not cheating you have now angered her and damaged the marriage. 2) If she is cheating she just went even more underground - perhaps even a temporary halt in the affair till she is sure your off the case. Sorry to be hard on you. 6
Buckeye2 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I think she is still stepping out on the marriage but desperately does not want to be found out. I think she wants both worlds. The happy home life/kids with traditional sex and the secret affair life with alt sex. Exactly. She want you to think of her and be see by the world as a respectable wife and mother. She doesn't care what the OM thinks of her so he's good for the bondage stuff. Look at this thread by Mattzeo. Just read his posts. The same thing was going on. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/349853-my-wife-had-long-term-affair 2
Recommended Posts