The reality of everything

[road]

I thought that I would never had an affair because I had been a relatively good person, but I did.

 

 

I thought my marriage was strong enough to withstand any temptations, but it was not so.

 

 

I thought the A would end in a short period of time, but I allowed it to drag on.

 

 

I thought for our families, we would end it soon, but I grew more emotionally attached to him with each passing time.

 

 

I thought we would end before Dday, so that Dday will never happen and hurt the people around us. We did end before Dday but Dday still happened.

 

 

I thought he really loves me, but after Dday, I started to wonder how he could detach so fast.

 

 

I thought he was my soul-mate, my best buddy, but after the A ends, you realized that as much as you both try, being friends can never work out anymore. You lost your best friend. You can never be in each other's life to care for each other anymore. You will disappear from each other's lives.

 

 

I thought I had always been strong, but I realized after Dday that I had never felt such grief before.

 

 

I thought that's the end after Dday, but it didn't end there.

 

 

I thought we would never contact each other again, but he did.

 

 

I thought I would be wise enough by then to walk away, but I did not.

 

 

I thought my story would be different. That we really love each other. Then I realized mine is not that unique. I wish to tell myself that we didn't had the affair fog, that he really loves me. But as times goes by especially after Dday, you realized that your story aren't that different. That you will have lots of questions, but you had to live with no closure. That you had to live with the guilt for life. That you know you allowed yourself to hurt yourself and others. That's the punishment for WS.

 

 

I'm reminding myself here. Today is only the 2nd day of NC. I need to remind myself why I chose NC, and why I need to keep it.

 

 

 

 

 

Regardless of what your BH says you and him must have NC with the OM.

[fellini]

My WS ended her 1.5 year relationship with a SINGLE man with ZERO complications. She did a 180, had decided for herself that her M was dead (although never told AP anything about the M she was in, and he didn't ask).

Now she believes she absolutely is in the relationship she wants, and has begun to see that her AP wasn't so perfect ("how can you be in love with a man who will have sex with you knowing you are still sleeping with your H?", "How can you want to be with a man who wants to take you from your H and daughter?")

 

For me the turnaround was scary: I really had, and in some ways still do, question how someone can check out of a marriage and check back in when the AP was, and remains, completely available and NC is okay, but since they work in the same building...and she knows he is hoping that she breaks NC...

 

 

Violet, can I ask you an honest answer to two very important questions for my sanity? My exMM ended our 3 1/2 year relationship after HIS d-day and decided to work on his marriage.

1. Are all d-days as horrific as everyone says?
   
2. HE did a 180 on me immediately and claimed that he was going to work on this marriage which before was labeled as 'dead.' Within days of his d-day, he texted me that his marriage was now better than ever! Is it possible to turn off 'love' for me and resume a perfect marriage within days?????
   

Having gone thru a d-day yourself, I'l so appreciate hearing your thoughts on my questions above!

[Mickey1982]

If you can't see, feel, and believe the pain and grief laid out in this thread alone I don't know what it will take for you to heal and move on. I started to copy and paste key words and phrases of these anguished hearts and minds, but maybe you need to spend an afternoon doing that yourself. Start with this thread and then move on to the next one. It might sound like a silly exercise, but I don't think you are 'hearing' what is being said here.

 

My apologies to the OP for the t/j.

 

I still love him too much up let go MuddyFootprints....sigh.

[Mickey1982]

What exactly are you holding on to that nourishes, feeds and improves your days?

If this 'hanging on' is merely a way of increasing your pain... well, you can see how utterly pointless such an exercise is.

 

Why indulge a masochistic desire that benefits no-one - least of all, you?

 

This isn't Love.

It's obsession.

It's unrequited, and unrewarded.

 

it's crazy.

 

Believe me, I'm trying to stop the behavior and forget him. Nothing is working. For me, I think time and NC are the only things that can ever help me.

[Waverly]

What exactly are you holding on to that nourishes, feeds and improves your days?

If this 'hanging on' is merely a way of increasing your pain... well, you can see how utterly pointless such an exercise is.

 

Why indulge a masochistic desire that benefits no-one - least of all, you?

 

This isn't Love.

It's obsession.

It's unrequited, and unrewarded.

 

it's crazy.

 

I always hear the advice to "let it go", which sounds great, but is so hard to do in reality. Feelings don't disappear overnight, and hearing that you or your behavior are "crazy" for not being able to let them go is hurtful, to be honest.

 

I think I (and Mickey, for that matter) will eventually stop hanging on. But it will happen when I am ready for it to happen, when I've worked through all of the pain and questions associated with this. Trust me, I would love to not indulge in a masochistic exercise here... but telling myself that I'm crazy and obsessed won't get me to a healthy place any sooner.

 

I'm sure your advice was meant well, and I think the basic message of it is true -- that nobody is benefiting from an extended period of pain -- but I also think that there needs to be some understanding of the fact that we don't choose our emotions or feelings.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Waverly

[Mickey1982]

I always hear the advice to "let it go", which sounds great, but is so hard to do in reality. Feelings don't disappear overnight, and hearing that you or your behavior are "crazy" for not being able to let them go is hurtful, to be honest.

 

I think I (and Mickey, for that matter) will eventually stop hanging on. But it will happen when I am ready for it to happen, when I've worked through all of the pain and questions associated with this. Trust me, I would love to not indulge in a masochistic exercise here... but telling myself that I'm crazy and obsessed won't get me to a healthy place any sooner.

 

I'm sure your advice was meant well, and I think the basic message of it is true -- that nobody is benefiting from an extended period of pain -- but I also think that there needs to be some understanding of the fact that we don't choose our emotions or feelings.

 

 

Thank you Waverly! Your words are my feelings. Why would I want to go on day after day feeling pain, crying, lack of sleep, etc

 

If I knew how to stop it or even more it faster, I would. I've listened and tried suggestions to keep busy, new hobbies, going out, etc.

 

The fact of the matter is my life was complete with him. I was happy. I was smiling. I was in love completely.

[gettingstronger]

I get it's not easy but you do have to ask yourselves what you have done to move forward. Being heartbroken becomes an excuse to do nothing but wallow. Counseling is imperative if you find yourself stuck. It truly will help you refocus. You have to do something, anything to pull yourself up. Saying its hard is an understatement but seeking to just stop at that is unhealthy.

[Waverly]

I get it's not easy but you do have to ask yourselves what you have done to move forward. Being heartbroken becomes an excuse to do nothing but wallow. Counseling is imperative if you find yourself stuck. It truly will help you refocus. You have to do something, anything to pull yourself up. Saying its hard is an understatement but seeking to just stop at that is unhealthy.

 

I'm definitely guilty of wallowing at times. For sure. But I also am in counseling, have gone NC, and am trying to find other things to fill my time with. My point is just that it doesn't always happen on a timeline that other people think makes sense.

 

I would love to be over this by now. Trust me, I am getting no pleasure or satisfaction out of still being in pain. And I admit that for far far too long, I wasn't doing anything to actually try and move forward. But I am now, and I'm still heartbroken. I'm doing better, but it's slow. It's really slow. And I am trying to just accept that even slow is progress, and that I'll get there eventually.

[Mickey1982]

I'm definitely guilty of wallowing at times. For sure. But I also am in counseling, have gone NC, and am trying to find other things to fill my time with. My point is just that it doesn't always happen on a timeline that other people think makes sense.

 

I would love to be over this by now. Trust me, I am getting no pleasure or satisfaction out of still being in pain. And I admit that for far far too long, I wasn't doing anything to actually try and move forward. But I am now, and I'm still heartbroken. I'm doing better, but it's slow. It's really slow. And I am trying to just accept that even slow is progress, and that I'll get there eventually.

 

DITTO!!!! And, I'm on my third therapist with the hope that this one helps me find ME again. It's a long ugly road home.

[Waverly]

DITTO!!!! And, I'm on my third therapist with the hope that this one helps me find ME again. It's a long ugly road home.

 

Mickey, I'm just starting with my second. I hope the same thing. I just want to feel like myself again. Hugs, and I hope you're feeling ok today.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I'm just starting with my second. I hope the same thing. I just want to feel like myself again. Hugs, and I hope you're feeling ok today.

 

Waverly, I can't recall how far you are with NC AND is he still reaching out to you?

[Waverly]

Waverly, I can't recall how far you are with NC AND is he still reaching out to you?

 

The affair's been over for five months, but we stayed in daily contact until a few weeks ago. We've been NC for a little over two weeks. No, he's not reaching out to me. I know he's trying to fix things in his life and his marriage.

[Mickey1982]

The affair's been over for five months, but we stayed in daily contact until a few weeks ago. We've been NC for a little over two weeks. No, he's not reaching out to me. I know he's trying to fix things in his life and his marriage.

 

Ok, so we are in the same boat together! Hang tough with me and keep me posted how you are doing! Hugs!!!!!

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I also agree with the other ladies. Don't put yourself through more pain. Your heart can't take it. I feel more guilt and shame than I ever have since I broke NC after D Day. I'm telling you sweetie, D Days are extremely horrific. They change everything. It didn't feel the same, it didn't feel comfortable seeing my exMM again. Please consider the NC as a blessing in disguise. Big hugs to you!

 

Violet, I so hope you are right. I am on a business trip this week and suffering big time----it's hard being in a hotel that he and I stayed at. It hurts so much!!!!!

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, i agree with MuddyFootprints on this one. Why set yourself for more heartaches? Even if he contacts you, it will never be the same again after Dday. Even if he still loves you, it would tainted by guilt now. He can never love you the same way again.

 

 

D-day is pretty much the curse on the realtionship, huh?

[Mickey1982]

My WS ended her 1.5 year relationship with a SINGLE man with ZERO complications. She did a 180, had decided for herself that her M was dead (although never told AP anything about the M she was in, and he didn't ask).

Now she believes she absolutely is in the relationship she wants, and has begun to see that her AP wasn't so perfect ("how can you be in love with a man who will have sex with you knowing you are still sleeping with your H?", "How can you want to be with a man who wants to take you from your H and daughter?")

 

For me the turnaround was scary: I really had, and in some ways still do, question how someone can check out of a marriage and check back in when the AP was, and remains, completely available and NC is okay, but since they work in the same building...and she knows he is hoping that she breaks NC...

 

 

But, was this after a d-day or did your WS just decide to end the realtionship?

[Patna]

D-day is pretty much the curse on the realtionship, huh?

 

On my bad days, I'll feel it's a curse. On the good days, I'll think it's the only way to get out of this mess. In the initial stages, I kept lamenting how things have changed & how I wish we can go back to the past before Dday. I think that's the initial stages of grief - bargaining & denial. Now I'd accepted that things will never be the same again.

 

Mickey, it took about 3 months for me to get to this stage, but the sooner we accept it, the better for our healing. It keeps us moving, although small steps, but at least we are not stuck in the same place anymore. And my exOM once said this to me, why do I keep bringing up the past relationship, and past memories? We can never go back to there anymore. So he is right, even if I hang on to the past, we can never go back to where we were any more. The only one hurting if I still refused to accept the truth is me. He has already move on, so why am I still stuck? If he has moved on, there's nothing realistically for me to hang on anymore. He has already exit the relationship. It hurts but the only way to heal is to accept that they have moved on & the past can never be brought back again.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Patna
Wrong quote pasted

[Hope Shimmers]

Mickey (and others) - if it helps, I was actually doing MUCH better in my healing before ex-MM contacted me after D-Day (you can see my back posts on this). He too wanted to be friends, but that meant backing off from the kinds of interactions we had in the past. There were firm lines drawn in the sand. Much of our conversation was much more superficial - I can't tell you how much the lack of him calling me terms of endearment like 'hon' and saying "I love you" during conversations hurt. It HURT!!!!

 

I kept trying. It took us a LONG time to get to the 'friendship' stage and honestly, I don't know if it's worth it. I went through a lot of pain that wouldn't have been there if we wouldn't have had contact. We don't have anywhere near the connection we had before. In fact I just asked him for his grilled chicken recipe... that is the kind of interaction that we have now. It's nice, but it is friendship ONLY.

 

Is that what you are looking for? If so, I believe you can get there with A LOT of discipline and A LOT Of pain along the way. But you won't ever have again what you had.

 

Or do you want him to contact you to validate something (say "I love you" again but tell you he can't offer you anything? That hurts too. Or tell you that his marriage is working as well as can be expected? That hurts too). What is your goal from having him contact you?

 

From your posts I get the feeling that your goal of having him contact you is validation that you meant something to him. Trust me - you did. He didn't do 3.5 years with you if he didn't care and didn't love you. How much did he care? Does it matter... the only answer you have is that despite caring about you, he chose not to leave his marriage.

 

It's highly likely that his W did an about-face on her 'dead' marriage when she found out about the A. Just because that temporarily made things great, don't think that it is a road to happiness where they are joyfully skipping hand-in-hand in a field of daisies. Those problems don't go away overnight. But again, this doesn't change things for you.

 

I do know what you are feeling and asking. I really do.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[Patna]

Hope, you spoke out my exact sentiments! It hurts big time not hearing him calling me 'dear'. In fact, it got so awkward he doesn't even call me by my name, he basically just skipped my name when addressing me I used to think we had great emotional connection before Dday. After Dday, we had to talk superficial stuffs. We ended up quarreling big time when he told me how he and his wife are doing well and moving in the right direction. As a friend, I should be happy for him. But the fact is I don't see him as just a friend, so I got pretty upset, hurt, and we quarreled. Afterwards, I felt lousy about myself. I mean I created this mess for his wife, a victim, yet I can't do the simplest thing of wishing her well? We avoided all topics that potentially could cause conflicts for us or hurt each other. So any stuffs related to his wife's pregnancy, his wife, my family are all taboos, and honestly what's left to talk about since these topics are basically the most important parts of our lives? Our conversations had became so shallow at times that even I want to laugh at myself I do feel us losing that emotional intimacy we used to share, and I'm not surprised. After all, it's the communication that always bring the emotional intimacy. Now everything's just so superficial.

 

I did thought of resuming a platonic friendship because I can't bear for him to leave my life entirely. But looking at the way things were after Dday, I guess it's really tough and will take a very very long while. It just gonna hurt me more, so unless my feelings faded entirely for him, we will never be friends yet. And who knows, by the time my feelings had faded entirely, I may not want him to be my friend anymore! So I'm not deciding on the friendship yet. Time will tell after I'm healed.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, you spoke out my exact sentiments! It hurts big time not hearing him calling me 'dear'. In fact, it got so awkward he doesn't even call me by my name, he basically just skipped my name when addressing me I used to think we had great emotional connection before Dday. After Dday, we had to talk superficial stuffs. We ended up quarreling big time when he told me how he and his wife are doing well and moving in the right direction. As a friend, I should be happy for him. But the fact is I don't see him as just a friend, so I got pretty upset, hurt, and we quarreled. Afterwards, I felt lousy about myself. I mean I created this mess for his wife, a victim, yet I can't do the simplest thing of wishing her well? We avoided all topics that potentially could cause conflicts for us or hurt each other. So any stuffs related to his wife's pregnancy, his wife, my family are all taboos, and honestly what's left to talk about since these topics are basically the most important parts of our lives? Our conversations had became so shallow at times that even I want to laugh at myself I do feel us losing that emotional intimacy we used to share, and I'm not surprised. After all, it's the communication that always bring the emotional intimacy. Now everything's just so superficial.

 

I did thought of resuming a platonic friendship because I can't bear for him to leave my life entirely. But looking at the way things were after Dday, I guess it's really tough and will take a very very long while. It just gonna hurt me more, so unless my feelings faded entirely for him, we will never be friends yet. And who knows, by the time my feelings had faded entirely, I may not want him to be my friend anymore! So I'm not deciding on the friendship yet. Time will tell after I'm healed.

 

Patna, that's EXACTLY why it took me so long and so much pain to get to the friendship stage. Because I didn't want that or feel that way and it just hurt so much! I would lash out many times. I TOTALLY understand that.

 

It's funny, because he rarely called me by my first name "before" - he always called me "hon" or "love" or "sweetie"... so when he started calling me by my first name I got upset and told him never to call me by my first name, ever! lol What a mess I was...

[atreides]

Thank you for sharing that quote. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's had a D Day and broke NC. I wasn't going to post what I did because I feel so disgusted with myself. Not only did I break NC, I saw him and had sex with him a few days ago. I've put my H through a false R and I'm hating myself for it. I've always been against the WS putting their BS through a false R. I'm such a hypocrite! Does your H know that you saw the MM after D Day? I'm on day 2 of NC again. There's no way I can tell my H. I can't watch him go through that pain again, I just can't.

 

But aren't you trading one pain for another? Why not tell him if you know it is false R to begin with?

 

 

Violet, we had sex too. Though I told him that will be the last time I'll meet him again, because his wife was due to deliver anytime, and she gave birth the very next day. Well, for my case, I guess something in me just snapped when I knew his wife was in the hospital giving birth. I can't explain why, but in a way, I felt relief that it's finally over. But it's also sad I had to go this far to finally end it. I'm only in day 4 of NC, and I hope I can really pressed in to weeks and months this time. I don't know if I'm strong enough, but I need to.

 

As with many affairs, kids do not seem to be a reason to end an A or prevent starting one for that matter, why in this case does that change for you?

 

Surprisingly, H is very fine with the idea of exMM and me continuing contact, though he meant as platonic friends. ExMM is his good friend, and he even intends to keep their friendship if you had read my other thread. H didn't want me to let exMM know that he is aware of who e OM is, so OM didn't have to feel awkward with him. For this, I feel even more guilty and lousy about myself. H is such a forgiving and nice person, who clearly don't deserves me treating him like this

 

Do you think part of the problem is that your H has no problem with ongoing contact? Also could it be said that "friends" post an A is really "hope" of it being more than it was?

You also seem to be aware of what your are doing but continue to do so, does that smack of love or more of an addictive trait for you?

 

To the OP, Violet, did you qualify or give your AP the same vetting process (dating,courting, wooing you) to allow you or perceive love for the relationship as you did with your spouses?

[violet1]

But aren't you trading one pain for another? Why not tell him if you know it is false R to begin with?

 

 

 

 

As with many affairs, kids do not seem to be a reason to end an A or prevent starting one for that matter, why in this case does that change for you?

 

 

 

Do you think part of the problem is that your H has no problem with ongoing contact? Also could it be said that "friends" post an A is really "hope" of it being more than it was?

You also seem to be aware of what your are doing but continue to do so, does that smack of love or more of an addictive trait for you?

 

To the OP, Violet, did you qualify or give your AP the same vetting process (dating,courting, wooing you) to allow you or perceive love for the relationship as you did with your spouses?

It has taken my H a long time to get out of his depressive funk. He's doing well now. I'm not going to ruin it by telling him what I did. I will live the pain and regret so he doesn't have to. Plus, it was a stupid slip. I'm not going to break NC again. You can state that I'm a horrible person or whatever. I know what's in my heart. The only reason I stated that I broke NC is because I can relate to the OP. I'm not going into further details of my situation.

[Waverly]

Mickey (and others) - if it helps, I was actually doing MUCH better in my healing before ex-MM contacted me after D-Day (you can see my back posts on this). He too wanted to be friends, but that meant backing off from the kinds of interactions we had in the past. There were firm lines drawn in the sand. Much of our conversation was much more superficial - I can't tell you how much the lack of him calling me terms of endearment like 'hon' and saying "I love you" during conversations hurt. It HURT!!!!

 

I kept trying. It took us a LONG time to get to the 'friendship' stage and honestly, I don't know if it's worth it. I went through a lot of pain that wouldn't have been there if we wouldn't have had contact. We don't have anywhere near the connection we had before. In fact I just asked him for his grilled chicken recipe... that is the kind of interaction that we have now. It's nice, but it is friendship ONLY.

 

Is that what you are looking for? If so, I believe you can get there with A LOT of discipline and A LOT Of pain along the way. But you won't ever have again what you had.

 

Or do you want him to contact you to validate something (say "I love you" again but tell you he can't offer you anything? That hurts too. Or tell you that his marriage is working as well as can be expected? That hurts too). What is your goal from having him contact you?

 

From your posts I get the feeling that your goal of having him contact you is validation that you meant something to him. Trust me - you did. He didn't do 3.5 years with you if he didn't care and didn't love you. How much did he care? Does it matter... the only answer you have is that despite caring about you, he chose not to leave his marriage.

 

It's highly likely that his W did an about-face on her 'dead' marriage when she found out about the A. Just because that temporarily made things great, don't think that it is a road to happiness where they are joyfully skipping hand-in-hand in a field of daisies. Those problems don't go away overnight. But again, this doesn't change things for you.

 

I do know what you are feeling and asking. I really do.

 

I fought SO hard against going NC. Like, ridiculously hard. I was totally convinced that we could go back to being friends; I had some strange idea that we'd be friends, but sort of tacitly acknowledge that we were in love with each other, but just never talk about it. Or something. It wasn't exactly rational, and of course, it didn't work. The truth of it is that it was painful and hard and impossible.

 

There's a big part of me that still hopes we'll get there one day, that one day we'll be able to talk again and not have it set us both back. (Not that I've exactly made a lot of progress yet, but hey, I'm trying to be optimistic.) But then I read what Hope describes here, and I don't know if I really want that. Every option hurts.

 

Hope, thanks for sharing this though. I still don't know if it's what I want, or if it's something he wants, or if I'll ever even talk to him again. But it's comforting to know that you came out the other side of this and have reached a peaceful place with your relationship with him.

[Mickey1982]

Hope, you spoke out my exact sentiments! It hurts big time not hearing him calling me 'dear'. In fact, it got so awkward he doesn't even call me by my name, he basically just skipped my name when addressing me I used to think we had great emotional connection before Dday. After Dday, we had to talk superficial stuffs. We ended up quarreling big time when he told me how he and his wife are doing well and moving in the right direction. As a friend, I should be happy for him. But the fact is I don't see him as just a friend, so I got pretty upset, hurt, and we quarreled. Afterwards, I felt lousy about myself. I mean I created this mess for his wife, a victim, yet I can't do the simplest thing of wishing her well? We avoided all topics that potentially could cause conflicts for us or hurt each other. So any stuffs related to his wife's pregnancy, his wife, my family are all taboos, and honestly what's left to talk about since these topics are basically the most important parts of our lives? Our conversations had became so shallow at times that even I want to laugh at myself I do feel us losing that emotional intimacy we used to share, and I'm not surprised. After all, it's the communication that always bring the emotional intimacy. Now everything's just so superficial.

 

I did thought of resuming a platonic friendship because I can't bear for him to leave my life entirely. But looking at the way things were after Dday, I guess it's really tough and will take a very very long while. It just gonna hurt me more, so unless my feelings faded entirely for him, we will never be friends yet. And who knows, by the time my feelings had faded entirely, I may not want him to be my friend anymore! So I'm not deciding on the friendship yet. Time will tell after I'm healed.

 

 

Patna----I just re-read this post. That is exactly what happened to me as soon as d-day happened. All the pet names went right out the door and he reverted to just calling me by my first name in all texts, e-mails etc. which he RARELY ever used previously. It hurt like heck.

 

Still so very amazing to me that this transition can happen literally overnight!

[Devastated1969]

Patna----I just re-read this post. That is exactly what happened to me as soon as d-day happened. All the pet names went right out the door and he reverted to just calling me by my first name in all texts, e-mails etc. which he RARELY ever used previously. It hurt like heck.

 

Still so very amazing to me that this transition can happen literally overnight!

 

I agree Mickey, although our situations are different, his transition happened literally overnight too! One day we were happily discussing our future together, booked another holiday, telling each other how lucky we were to be together and then bam, can't do this anymore, gone.... Then a week later, I am in love with my wife again having been separated for months and telling me his marriage had been over for years... Still can't understand what happened but I guess I am trying to stop analysing it. However you look at it, the outcome is the same. I know that I have to concentrate on myself and my kids and the knowledge that even if he reaches out, it changes nothing, he has chosen where he wants to be. I understand your pain as do many others here so let's have a virtual hug and hand squeeze.