David87 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Hey everyone, thanks for all your replies, a lot of good advice and insight. Not feeling much better tonight unfortunately. I'm tired of being someone that girls don't want anything more with other than friendship. I agree with those who say that I acted overly clingy and desperate. I fell hard for this girl after only meeting her one time, I don't even know why. And yeah if she did like me after our date I sure have gone and screwed it up now. Self esteem is at rock bottom again, almost as bad as when my ex girlfriend broke up with me and rejected me hard. She too only wanted to be "friends" after our relationship. Canceled the coffee date with the other girl tomorrow, not sure what I'm doing with myself at this point or where to go from here Sorry friend, don't feel bad because we all have our times of sorrow at somepoint. The most important lesson I have learned from my own life’s challenges is that it’s not external events that have the most profound effect on our self-esteem. It is how we view our own life and life’s events. Ultimately, it’s the inner belief we have in ourselves that guides our journey. Do we really believe we deserve to live in a bad relationship? Do we really believe we deserve to be mentally or physically abused? Is our negative belief in ourselves keeping us in these negative environments? In life we are all constantly faced with challenges and changes. As we slowly begin to believe in ourselves, we can discover that although we cannot change our past experiences, we can change the way we think about them. As a result, we can change not only how we think about ourselves, but also identify a way to a better future. 1
livingnightmare Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Hey everyone, thanks for all your replies, a lot of good advice and insight. Not feeling much better tonight unfortunately. I'm tired of being someone that girls don't want anything more with other than friendship. I agree with those who say that I acted overly clingy and desperate. I fell hard for this girl after only meeting her one time, I don't even know why. And yeah if she did like me after our date I sure have gone and screwed it up now. Self esteem is at rock bottom again, almost as bad as when my ex girlfriend broke up with me and rejected me hard. She too only wanted to be "friends" after our relationship. Canceled the coffee date with the other girl tomorrow, not sure what I'm doing with myself at this point or where to go from here I can't even get a date and your cancelling them? I just got friend zoned hard, I met the mother, invited to the kids footie event, I'll be meeting her future in laws soon I reckon. I know that feeling though, you still have issues with your ex, I had that lost and suffocating feeling to as I've slowly realized I'm in the zone, old wounds not healed, but its passing now. Chin up mate you'll meet someone. (Well that's what they said to me) you cant have less chance then me. Its going so bad for me I'm contemplating becoming a priest or a nun. I'd be 5 yrs through training and run my own parish if I done this when my daughters mother ran off. I may as well have.
David87 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I can't even get a date and your cancelling them? I just got friend zoned hard, I met the mother, invited to the kids footie event, I'll be meeting her future in laws soon I reckon. I know that feeling though, you still have issues with your ex, I had that lost and suffocating feeling to as I've slowly realized I'm in the zone, old wounds not healed, but its passing now. Chin up mate you'll meet someone. (Well that's what they said to me) you cant have less chance then me. Its going so bad for me I'm contemplating becoming a priest or a nun. I'd be 5 yrs through training and run my own parish if I done this when my daughters mother ran off. I may as well have. I don't understand what's so hard to get a date ...
livingnightmare Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I don't understand what's so hard to get a date ... I wouldn't know where to start. Been asking advice in my own thread on perspectives a little help. Sorry op for this.
quidproquo89 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 hey mate, this is like an exact repetition of what happened to me. I had a girl who I met online and dated, she said all manner of things to me like - I really want you, sending me kisses, egging me on about how she liked kissing me. After the second date, when I kissed and held her hand, she got scared off. As others have said YOU, have done nothing wrong. Don't go over the details, or hand your head. We must move forward and learn from all things that happen to us. Each time we rise above it, we get stronger, smarter and eventually... more confident. One bit of advice I've learnt recently is. Pursue women you like, but whilst showing interest and enthusiasm, remain emotionally detached. Wait till your actually a couple to show emotion. Otherwise you are potentially setting yourself up to get hurt. Also desperation, is like a chemical reaction that turns girls away. There is a fine line between interest and desperation. Without waffling, holding a little of yourself back (emotionally) you protect yourself and maintain your interest
quidproquo89 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Hey man, thanks for responding. Yeah it's been a rough night. I was feeling terrible a couple days ago that she hadn't responded to my texts and had kind of skirted around me asking her for a second date. Today I was feeling a bit better and was starting to accept that she rejected me, tried to keep busy so I wouldn't dwell on and start inventing reasons for why she would do so. Then like I said, tonight she messaged me with the dreaded "friends" thing. Saying she loves how we can talk about anything together and she still wants to be able to do that. And that maybe she just needs time for there to be a spark between us. It's so tempting to accept this kind of offer from her and hope for the best, but I've had enough experience at this point to know I will be setting myself up for more pain. Really I'm just rambling about this more at this point. Thanks for listening. its up to you, but If you want more and she is going to friend zone you with some vague notion of later something happening, this isn't fair and isn't a mentally healthy thing for you to be a part of. I'd leave it and nicely say I really wanted more than friends, then just drop contact and leave her to think about things. But if your happy with the prospect of just being friends then go for it up to you
quidproquo89 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I've absolutely had problems getting back into dating but it's been over a year and I've been starting to view myself as pathetic for taking so long, truth be told. Should I cancel the coffee date on Friday? Really not sure at this point. Takes people a long time, and everyone is different. Having emotions, doesn't make you pathetic it makes you a human being. Don't be ashamed that you have emotions, be proud of them. You get there dude, do you feel up to the date? There is no hurry. 1
J21 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) While I understand the sentiment, I must say I disagree with this strongly. Getting "friend zoned" by this girl can be one of two things: 1. It is a blow to your ego. 2. It is an opportunity to make a friend. Do you have a lot of friends? Are you popular and socially well connected? Do you have social capital? If so than this is all irrelevant. But if you're like many of the men who post on this site, who say they don't know anyone, or don't have many friends, you should consider taking her up. I can't speak for others. But I can proudly say that some of my favorite people are people who I once made a romantic move on and got turned down. We're now on bro status, enjoy each other's company, and help each other out in all pursuits. I know that they have made my dating life easier, and have generally added value to my life. They introduce me to women, they get things started when we go out and I want to talk to other women, I return the favor with men. You can cut this person (who you get along well with by all accounts) out of your life and go back to square one. The tantrum, the easy way out. The "I sure showed her". Or you can take one to the jaw and see what happens. As they say, nothing ventured nothing gained. I strongly disagree with your statement just as you strongly disagree with mine. I dont know about you, but if they met on a dating site, I would assume the objective is to date. Not be friends, with the small chance they could date. That is a sweeping generalization that "many of the men who post on this site don't know anyone, or don't have many friends". Perhaps people are looking for different perspectives on their personal situations as well as keep their identity anonymous? This forum has a platform where you can reach out for advice from 100s of people. Not something easy to do in real no matter how many friends you have. Plus, some people might not like it when they know all of your relationship business! It's not about having so many friends you can afford to "pass this one up", nor is it about have a "tatrum" and saying "yeah I showed her!". Never did I once imply that was the attitude. It's simply about being efficient with the OP's time and effort in finding someone who is compatible with him in a dating sense. He does not need to make friends with everyone he meets along the way in OLD. I also found it a bit cruel for you to ask him to "take one in the jaw and see what happens". Jeez. They met once, and he's starting to like her, shes hinting she doesn't feel the same. Why should he be subjected to any further heartache for the chance slight something might happen? Instead of cutting his losses and moving on, you're advising invest more and stick around. Sure, your advice is fine should he decide to take it. But I'd rather use my time, effort and resources to find someone I can date. That person will know if they want me as a bf vs someone who isn't sure and friend zones me. I'm not trying to make a personal attack on you or anything, I just think it's a fundamental difference in the way we both see the situation. Edited April 4, 2014 by J21
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