What did I do wrong with this girl?

[Chris715]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I've finally gotten back into some dating after my horrible break up with my girlfriend over a year ago. Met this girl online who lived about an hour away and we really hit it off.

 

We texted back and forth for about a week, then moved on to phone calls where we literally talked about anything and everything for hours. We were both really excited to meet each other and I was pretty much falling for this girl already at this point (stupid, I'm aware).

 

I drove down to where she lived on Friday for a date and from my perspective everything went pretty well. We had a couple drinks at a bar, went back to her place, ordered some food and had some more drinks, and then fell asleep cuddling together on her couch.

 

I drove back the next day and immediately resumed contact with her. Telling her what a good time I had, how I wanted to do it again, etc. Over the next couple days after the date communication started to drop off and I started to get really depressed about the entire thing. I have some serious self esteem issues brought on from my last break up and I can't really deal with rejection of any kind right now, even from a girl I've only been on one date with I guess

 

Tonight she finally messaged me back after a day of her not answering my texts or phone call I sent her. She basically said she's really grown to like me as a friend, but isn't sure if the spark is there or if she likes me in that way. Saying she wants to be friends right now but "can't promise if anything else will happen, but she's not sure".

 

Wtf did I do to mess this up and what's wrong with me? I seriously thought we felt the same about each other during and after the date until she started to cut off contact and then gives me this response tonight? Did I contact her too much before and after the date to make her think of me as a friend? We did talk about a lot of things before we met, including a bunch of serious topics together. Did this cause her to only think of me as a friend?

 

I don't know, I'm really depressed and confused from this tonight. Confidence is at an all time low again, feeling like a complete loser. I have a coffee date set with another girl on Friday but I'm considering canceling at this point after the way this entire thing went down.

 

If anyone can take a look at this whole situation and give me some advice that would awesome. Wtf did I do wrong with this whole thing? Did I come across as too much as a pushover? Too clingy? What's wrong with me that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me?

Edited April 3, 2014 by Chris715

[Haydn]

Chris, i have taken your great advice in the early days when my pain was so raw. I am so sorry you feel like this today. You don`t need her as a friend. Stay out of contact. You did not do anything wrong. Just wrong for her. Not you my friend. Self esteem takes a while to pick up again. I know how you feel. I have black days with this as well.

 

You were yourself and should always be. Meeting someone new should never have a plan. People accept us or not.

 

Take care.

[Arieswoman]

Chris,

You did nothing wrong.

 

Repeat - You did nothing wrong.

 

Now you keep repeating it until you believe it, and then forget about it and move on.

 

Dating after a break-up can be difficult as you are feeling over-sensitive and you tend to over-worry and over-analyse events. In this situation most of us are looking for some kind of validation and reassurance from others. I, and many others have had to learn that validation comes from inside.

 

I have some serious self esteem issues brought on from my last break up and I can't really deal with rejection of any kind right now, even from a girl I've only been on one date with I guess

Then perhaps you should do some work on yourself? Counselling/therapy ? Maybe you aren't ready for dating again just yet?

 

Good Luck.

[Chris715]

Hey man, thanks for responding. Yeah it's been a rough night. I was feeling terrible a couple days ago that she hadn't responded to my texts and had kind of skirted around me asking her for a second date. Today I was feeling a bit better and was starting to accept that she rejected me, tried to keep busy so I wouldn't dwell on and start inventing reasons for why she would do so.

 

Then like I said, tonight she messaged me with the dreaded "friends" thing. Saying she loves how we can talk about anything together and she still wants to be able to do that. And that maybe she just needs time for there to be a spark between us. It's so tempting to accept this kind of offer from her and hope for the best, but I've had enough experience at this point to know I will be setting myself up for more pain. Really I'm just rambling about this more at this point. Thanks for listening.

[David87]

It's not your fault, it happens. Don't accept being her friend.

 

Find another girl to date and never be afraid of rejection because that's what makes us stronger in the end.

[Chris715]

Chris,

You did nothing wrong.

 

Repeat - You did nothing wrong.

 

Now you keep repeating it until you believe it, and then forget about it and move on.

 

Dating after a break-up can be difficult as you are feeling over-sensitive and you tend to over-worry and over-analyse events. In this situation most of us are looking for some kind of validation and reassurance from others. I, and many others have had to learn that validation comes from inside.

 

Then perhaps you should do some work on yourself? Counselling/therapy ? Maybe you aren't ready for dating again just yet?

 

Good Luck.

I've absolutely had problems getting back into dating but it's been over a year and I've been starting to view myself as pathetic for taking so long, truth be told. Should I cancel the coffee date on Friday? Really not sure at this point.

[Arieswoman]

Chris,

You said

 

I've absolutely had problems getting back into dating but it's been over a year and I've been starting to view myself as pathetic for taking so long, truth be told.

 

You are being far too hard on yourself.

 

There is no time limit for mending a broken heart. However, if you feel that you aren't moving forward then it is no shame getting counselling/therapy. It worked for me.

 

There's nothing wrong with a coffee date, just keep it light and relax about it.

 

Good Luck

[David87]

I've absolutely had problems getting back into dating but it's been over a year and I've been starting to view myself as pathetic for taking so long, truth be told. Should I cancel the coffee date on Friday? Really not sure at this point.

 

Yes cancel the coffee because she wants you as a friend and nothing more.

[Arieswoman]

David,

Chris says the coffee date is with another woman, I don't think it would hurt for him to go.

 

Chris - sorry for talking about you as if you weren't here.

[Haydn]

Yes, this is advice.

 

Arieswoman is 100% correct.

 

 

Chris,

You said

 

 

 

You are being far too hard on yourself.

 

There is no time limit for mending a broken heart. However, if you feel that you aren't moving forward then it is no shame getting counselling/therapy. It worked for me.

 

There's nothing wrong with a coffee date, just keep it light and relax about it.

 

Good Luck

[Haydn]

No time limit Chris my friend. We are all different, thats what makes life interesting.

[David87]

David,

Chris says the coffee date is with another woman, I don't think it would hurt for him to go.

 

Chris - sorry for talking about you as if you weren't here.

 

My bad, If it is with another woman then yes go for it.

[Chris715]

David,

Chris says the coffee date is with another woman, I don't think it would hurt for him to go.

 

Chris - sorry for talking about you as if you weren't here.

 

No worries. I was going to correct him myself, saved me the trouble

[Thegreatestthing]

It's nothing to do with you, there is this guy I've been talking to for weeks and out of all the guys I talk too he is the best looking, and similar to me in terms of interests,but there is just no attraction and I definitely see him as a friend,so yes it happens nothing to do with you as a person.

 

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I've finally gotten back into some dating after my horrible break up with my girlfriend over a year ago. Met this girl online who lived about an hour away and we really hit it off.

 

We texted back and forth for about a week, then moved on to phone calls where we literally talked about anything and everything for hours. We were both really excited to meet each other and I was pretty much falling for this girl already at this point (stupid, I'm aware).

 

I drove down to where she lived on Friday for a date and from my perspective everything went pretty well. We had a couple drinks at a bar, went back to her place, ordered some food and had some more drinks, and then fell asleep cuddling together on her couch.

 

I drove back the next day and immediately resumed contact with her. Telling her what a good time I had, how I wanted to do it again, etc. Over the next couple days after the date communication started to drop off and I started to get really depressed about the entire thing. I have some serious self esteem issues brought on from my last break up and I can't really deal with rejection of any kind right now, even from a girl I've only been on one date with I guess

 

Tonight she finally messaged me back after a day of her not answering my texts or phone call I sent her. She basically said she's really grown to like me as a friend, but isn't sure if the spark is there or if she likes me in that way. Saying she wants to be friends right now but "can't promise if anything else will happen, but she's not sure".

 

Wtf did I do to mess this up and what's wrong with me? I seriously thought we felt the same about each other during and after the date until she started to cut off contact and then gives me this response tonight? Did I contact her too much before and after the date to make her think of me as a friend? We did talk about a lot of things before we met, including a bunch of serious topics together. Did this cause her to only think of me as a friend?

 

I don't know, I'm really depressed and confused from this tonight. Confidence is at an all time low again, feeling like a complete loser. I have a coffee date set with another girl on Friday but I'm considering canceling at this point after the way this entire thing went down.

 

If anyone can take a look at this whole situation and give me some advice that would awesome. Wtf did I do wrong with this whole thing? Did I come across as too much as a pushover? Too clingy? What's wrong with me that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me?

[oz-missy]

Sometimes the spark just isn't there in person. Texts and phone calls might be awesome, but in RL just something is missing.

 

Don't let this experience hinder you from pursuing other women. It's the realm of dating. Some people you will hit it off right away with - both online and in RL. Others it's just something to notch down to experience.

 

A word of advice to you and anyone else who is internet dating - go with the view of meeting new people online - with an open mind. Not everyone you will meet OLD will be someone you will date. You may have one coffee, you may date for awhile, you might end up marrying that person, or you might make a new friend. Don't try and build up a meeting prior to the event. People can and do present themselves in a different light from the comfort of behind the computer screen/mobile phone so until you actually meet the person just think of them as a potential cool new acquaintance.

[HappyLove]

If you think you're not gonna experience this 20 more times with OLDing your fooling yourself. Only the VERY FEW have success with OLDing. Yes, people will tell you how their brothers, mothers, sisters, and BFF found the most AMAZING person but just look around here on the boards.

 

Wait till you date someone 3 months just to have them vanish OLDing is no magic cure you'll be better off dating IRL. So if you aren't up for a TON of rejection then OLDing is NOT for you! That's just how it is it's NOTHING you've done! OLDing just makes dating difficult period, because once you think you've found a great match, your great match is messaging a new prospect. People on OLDing tend to think the grass is greener so they are constantly looking for "better" until they are let down from that "better" prospect.

 

Leave her alone go no contact and move on. I'm sure she'll be back but don't take her back either too flaky. You didn't sign up to make "friends" forget her!

 

One positive thing I can say about OLDing is it gave me a THICK skin. Things I used to get upset about are just a part of dating. Plenty of times I've had great communication talking on the phone till 1:00am, going on dates only for the guy to disappear. That's how it is people are flaky as heck online. You gotta learn to shrug it off and keep it moving. You really can't even take it personally it's the nature if the beast.

 

All that being said you should definitely go to coffee with the other girl. I think it will help you get over this. Good luck!

[VeronicaRoss]

I probably went on 100 first and only dates over maybe five years from OLD. I felt a spark with three of the guys, only one was really like 'ahhhhh' and luckily he was interested in me and we ended up getting married 10 years ago.

It's not so much rejection as finding that weird and 'you can never fully explain it' set of qualities that make two people both want to become involved.

 

Dating is truly a numbers game, especially OLD. You can't see or hear them and those provide critical clues to attractiveness. You can write tons of email, have many pre-meeting calls and really get along. And then in real life that conversational flow doesn't happen. You might be attracted but then see things about the way they live their lives that you realize you don't want them in your life.

 

It's weird, but it shows how complicated attraction and compatibility are. And it takes both to have a winning situation.

 

It's a lot of 'rejection' on both sides but it really isn't against you, it's just that the hundreds of things required for compatibility.

[Hello_is_it_me]

She wasn't feeling you, for whatever reason. It happens! Move on. You'll be ok.

[RonaldS]

Sometimes the spark just isn't there in person. Texts and phone calls might be awesome, but in RL just something is missing.

 

Don't let this experience hinder you from pursuing other women. It's the realm of dating. Some people you will hit it off right away with - both online and in RL. Others it's just something to notch down to experience.

 

A word of advice to you and anyone else who is internet dating - go with the view of meeting new people online - with an open mind. Not everyone you will meet OLD will be someone you will date. You may have one coffee, you may date for awhile, you might end up marrying that person, or you might make a new friend. Don't try and build up a meeting prior to the event. People can and do present themselves in a different light from the comfort of behind the computer screen/mobile phone so until you actually meet the person just think of them as a potential cool new acquaintance.

 

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

 

Exactly. In dating, especially OLD, people are very quick to put the cart before the horse. They build up an idealized vision of a person and the relationship they most certainly WILL have....before they ever meet. It's insane. And then when mutual interest/attraction isn't there, then the other person takes it personally.

 

And you can tell that men view this as a war. When it was thought that this woma wanted to meet the OP for coffee, guys were quick to chime in with, 'Don't be her friend'. Why? Because she didn't feel what she needed to feel to pursue a romantic relationship.

 

Life lesson, kids: people are not expendable. I think a lot of people need to start seeing the value in having people come into their lives. Quit acting spoiled and petulant because your fantasy didn't become a reality and you didn't get what you want. Look, guys....when you're on the verge if freezing a new girl out because she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, take 5 seconds and inventory how many girls you have in your life whom you view only as friends. I guarantee that several would want to have a relationship with you if the opportunity arose, even though you would never be interested.

 

Maybe those girls should have just froze you out, right? I mean, you friend-zoned them, didn't you?

 

I realize that's not what happened to the OP, but you see it constantly here. If you had enough of a connection to write each other non-stop, text each other non-stop, talk on the phone for hours, then there is clearly a connection there. Don't act pissy and hurt just because you didn't make her panties wet. Be thankful that a person you connect with is now in your life.

[Gaeta]

I am very sorry you are taking it this hard. If you want to give online dating a shot you've got to have tough skin. I have a friend who met her husband on a 3rd date, I finally met someone to date seriously after + 100 first dates and 3 years looking. If you cannot take online with humor and a grain of salt then don't.

 

If you want to meet someone tell your friends and family you are open to date now, there is always someone knowing someone available to date, get involved in groups, meet-ups, sports and stuff instead.

[J21]

I wouldn't accept her offer to just be friends.. That's just straight up friend zoning!

 

You are looking for some one more than that, so in that regard u two were incompatible. Don't take it personally and keep on trucking.

[hasaquestion]

I wouldn't accept her offer to just be friends.. That's just straight up friend zoning!

 

You are looking for some one more than that, so in that regard u two were incompatible. Don't take it personally and keep on trucking.

 

While I understand the sentiment, I must say I disagree with this strongly.

 

Getting "friend zoned" by this girl can be one of two things:

 

1. It is a blow to your ego.

2. It is an opportunity to make a friend.

 

Do you have a lot of friends? Are you popular and socially well connected? Do you have social capital? If so than this is all irrelevant.

 

But if you're like many of the men who post on this site, who say they don't know anyone, or don't have many friends, you should consider taking her up.

 

I can't speak for others. But I can proudly say that some of my favorite people are people who I once made a romantic move on and got turned down. We're now on bro status, enjoy each other's company, and help each other out in all pursuits. I know that they have made my dating life easier, and have generally added value to my life. They introduce me to women, they get things started when we go out and I want to talk to other women, I return the favor with men.

 

You can cut this person (who you get along well with by all accounts) out of your life and go back to square one. The tantrum, the easy way out. The "I sure showed her".

 

Or you can take one to the jaw and see what happens. As they say, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Edited April 3, 2014 by hasaquestion

[Chris715]

Hey everyone, thanks for all your replies, a lot of good advice and insight. Not feeling much better tonight unfortunately. I'm tired of being someone that girls don't want anything more with other than friendship. I agree with those who say that I acted overly clingy and desperate.

 

I fell hard for this girl after only meeting her one time, I don't even know why. And yeah if she did like me after our date I sure have gone and screwed it up now. Self esteem is at rock bottom again, almost as bad as when my ex girlfriend broke up with me and rejected me hard. She too only wanted to be "friends" after our relationship.

 

Canceled the coffee date with the other girl tomorrow, not sure what I'm doing with myself at this point or where to go from here

[BDL]

Sucks you cancelled the coffee date with the other girl. You need to pick yourself up and try again. Dr Strange has good advice for you... you should follow it.

 

Anyway, next time you're on a date, remember to do just ONE thing. Give the girl a good time and have FUN. Nothing more. Don't expect any outcome. Just go out have fun and get to know a girl. It's really that simple. And after the date, don't text back ever. She will contact you, and when she does, then plan for the next date. Do this, and dating multiple girls, will keep you busy and build your confidence.

[Arieswoman]

Chris715,

That's a shame you cancelled the coffee-date, but if you feel you aren't ready for it, then you aren't ready.

 

If you feel you need time out to work on yourself, then do it. This is your life we are talking about and there isn't a set time-limit to do anything (apart from pay your taxes !)

 

You come over as smart and articulate, so I am sure you can work out these issues of self-esteem. Maybe some counselling would help you work on this?

 

Good Luck.