Jimmy33james Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 My life feels like a heartbroke country song I have been married for 8 years now, doesn't look like I'm going to make it 9. I dated my wife 6 years before we were married. I'm not going to pretend to be blameless in all this,I've put the kids needs in front of hers too often....been sad and pouty when she made plans without us....jealous a lot early in the relationship but primarily just wanting to spend my time with her....of other guys before we were married but that had kind of gone away over time until recently. I know my irrational fears, jealousy and insecurities over the years would make her mad but didn't realize how bad they hurt her and it has kind of became a self fulfilling prophecy as my fear of her leaving is becoming true. Over the past three or four months she started hanging out more with a new female friend after her night job and not coming home until after the kids and I were asleep or if I waited up I was sullen and moody because this was a major change to our lives and it scared me. She was constantly on the phone with the friend and when she would go to her house the fiends husband and best friend were always there which also scared me. One day he started messaging her on facebook (we had a relationship where we looked at each others pages and even if I wasn't on there the notifications kept popping up on the ipad). I asked her about it and she told me she couldn't believe I asked her if something was going on....another week of nonstop messages and I asked her how it would feel if I started messaging a girl I hadn't even known two months like that and she said she understood and would slow it down....two more weeks and the messages kept growing and then I did something stupid and blocked him from her account.....totally an ass move but it made me feel good at the time. She has been more distant and cold for about a month.....told me she didn't love me anymore about three weeks ago and that if it weren't for the kids she would have left already. I started seeing a psychologist about my insecurities and she talked about going to get over her anger and resentment. I've been sad but doing a lot better lately as I saw the writing on the wall.....Monday I break down and tell her I need her to love me again and could we try counseling and she admits she has feelings for someone else and is not interested/thinks it would be better if we lived separately (meaning I go live with my parents).....I told her that separate was fine but I was not leaving, she was the one that wanted to change things so she could go......I feel bad about this, because she doesn't get along with her parent well enough to go there but I don't see why I should leave.....I am the primary caregiver to the children....we both work full time but I'm home earlier and she works two nights a week as a teacher which requires grading papers/preparing lessons on nights she is home....throw that in with her workouts and visits to her new friends and I often felt like a single father and its only gotten worse over the last month obviously. When she told me about wanting to leave, that actually felt better than the limbo we'd been in but she says she is still conflicted....I know she is out the door and I'm really surprising myself with how nice and caring I am finding myself able to be with her about this....I think it is kind of a wake up call to deal with my issues...too late for my marriage but it should make me a better person for my kids. I have another session tomorrow, first since news of the other man. I realize I'm kind of rambling, just feels good to put this out there as there is no one I can talk to about this, I'm not telling family until she is officially out of the house and I'm an introvert so close friends to talk with...seems like a heavy topic for a 3 and 4 year old......lol. Share
devilish innocent Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 You shouldn't blame yourself for all of this. It seems she was having an emotional, if not a physical, affair with this other guy. She's throwing fourteen years away on a guy who might not even be there in six months time. It's good that you're not leaving yet. That can influence the judges decision if those goes to court. I'd actually suggesting talking to a lawyer now without letting her know what you're doing. That way if she files for divorce you'll be a step ahead of her in terms of getting custody of the kids and having the house. It's good you're seeing a counselor. You may have a long road ahead of you. I hope you come out better from it.
Author Jimmy33james Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 So this morning as I was getting ready for work she was out of the shower and told me to wait for her downstairs...I assumed it was to tell me that she was moving out. Surprisingly it was to say she now wanted to go to a counselor to see if we can work on things...she said me talking about telling my family (I had asked if she was telling people she was done with me b/c she stopped wearing her ring on Monday....I just didn't want my family to hear from someone else before I told them....funny thing was it was April 1st and I know they would have thought i was joking) and her moving out made things very real. She said she didn't want to get my hopes up but wanted to try. I told her I appreciated the effort and I was sorry it came to this. I am not getting my hopes up, I think she just wants to be able to tell herself she tried before she's really gone. The limbo is the hardest part.
Author Jimmy33james Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Now she tells me she thinks we need a trial separation........limbo
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) OP, sorry for your situation and troubles. You are being all needy and emotionally available, hoping she will change tack. More likely it will just allow her to sit on the fence gradually drawing away until there is no hope, and her other attachment has grown so strong that she feels safe to take the gloves off. Which means getting advantage in the split, most likely with domicile and children. Don't play along, man. You waiting for her to pull her head out of her ass is unlikely to yield what you want, and only encourages the disrespect. So tell her plainly to make a choice, stay or leave. If stay, then commit to the marriage: MC and dump the new friends. Don't act like she is your plan A but that you are OK with being plan B. No way she will respect you any more than you respect yourself. I think your priority must be your kids and yourself. This disengaged partial spouse of yours has her head elsewhere - don't pander to that. Be clear about what you want - then having told her that, and that you will not wait For her to decide as it suits her, disengage. Also, see a lawyer in private. Edited April 4, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy ,
beach Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Now she tells me she thinks we need a trial separation........limbo Make the decision for her! Close the bank accounts and charge cards. Pack her bag, change the locks and tell her to get out! She's cheating! You deserve better than that! 2
Noproblem Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I don't think you deserve such treatment. You weren't insecure, you sensed something was wrong and acted upon it. Blocking that guy was a bit extreme, but she was developing feelings for that guy.. Probably, your marriage has a lot of problems, but cheating is not an answer. I really hope, you two can work together into solving this problem, but from what it seems, your wife wants to end it, but she is just not sure of what to expect after the separation. For the sake of the your kids, try again with her. try to do something different. Go together on a vacation to work on your problems alone. Leave the kids with your parents and be with her alone. Maybe you can win her back..
Author Jimmy33james Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Thanks all, I'm past the begging pleading phase....I want it to work but realize the chances are slim to none at this point. The limbo is hard but I'm going to continue to focus on the kids....worrying about the toll on them is now at the top of my thoughts, my daughter especially is not used to being away from me very much except when she's with my mother (when I'm working or when my wife and I would go out for dinner) I can't tell her to leave or change the locks, that's just not me....i wish i could make her just decide but i cant do it. if I'm being honest, I expect her to leave this weekend anyway.
plowguy1 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Hey buddy, almost 5 yrs ago I was where you are. I think you know its over. The ONLY thing you could possibly do that would bring her back is become the carefree dominant alpha male thats making her gina tingle. Thats gonna be pretty hard to do when you are so familiar, she wants new and exciting, you just want the life you had and signed up for. I have spent the last 4 yrs learning about how and why these things happen to guys like us and it has been sobering to say the least. In short, like me you've been lied to by everyone. Told that you should be a good guy, good provider, and it'll work out cause youre married and she'll want to work on things if they get rough. Truth is women are always putting you and potential other guys on a scale weighing whether or not she can do better, or not. If the scale starts tipping away from you, rare is the woman that will say or do anything. You're just supposed to know, and if you don't, then you just don't "get her" They live with a disney fantasy mentality that you just aren't "the one" You mentioned she works out? mine started that too, lost 35 lbs, started getting looks from big guys she never did before. Her stock went up while mine started going down. When this happens almost NO woman will stay, and if she does she will make your life hell with resentment over what she could have had. I also would not leave, I found her an apt. cause I was afraid she would make a false domestic violence charge against me EXTREMELY COMMON! Be careful I'm sure her friends have already suggested it. youre in for the ride of your life record every interaction. I wish I had better news, I really do. if you want to contact me my email is [email protected] I have some books that will help
plowguy1 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Just wanted to share a quote with ya I saw recently on reddit of all places, Everyman is capable of loving a woman so much that he turns down the hottest woman in the world for her. No woman is capable of loving a man so much that there is not a large swath of the alpha male population who she wouldn't "become confused" over. Its just the way it is, You and I operated with false information, and the damage is done. There really is no love in women for men, only lust and status raising by being with a higher status male. Can't blame the scorpion for stinging you, it's what they do, they don't even know why they do it. The hardest part is yet to come, seeing her with another man. I STILL can't do that, and it's holding me back in life but I'm working on it.
Author Jimmy33james Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 Thanks for the continued advise....I know it will be hard to see her with a new man but the hardest part will be seeing the kids with them
plowguy1 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Thanks for the continued advise....I know it will be hard to see her with a new man but the hardest part will be seeing the kids with them Yeah its not gonna be easy, but if I could do one thing over (and man I'd do a lot!) I would do this quick. My buddy put it like this, concerning my situation. You're in a dire situation, and You gotta do something painful to save your life say jump out a window of a burning building. It's gonna hurt like hell, and you're probably gonna break a leg, but you gotta do it. I can tell you from experience the longer you wait the harder it is. (analogy isnt perfect!) but its not gonna be as bad as you think its gonna be, and if it is, so what, you did it and now its gonna get easier and you're on your way to getting better! A good part about it is she won't like it at all, its gonna unnerve her, and she will have respect for your courage, and I would bet my last dollar make an overture at reconcilliation at some point. Try not to do that, the statistics on it working are REALLY bad. It will have nothing to do with love for you, It's a lot of things, but love isn't one of them. It's got more to do with your status rising and other women being interested in you, also some guilt about the kids. Just know that when she dropped the bomb, its been in the works about 2 yrs. she has very little, if any feelings for you. You've been hanging yourself all this time cause you just didn't know, every flaw magnified, every good trait ignored. All shes thinking about is what its gonna feel like to let another man inside her, she can't wait, if it hasn't happened yet, It's gonna be hard to get your head around what she wants to do, and is doing with another man. and you'll probably never fully do it. just keep moving forward, picking yourself up when you fall (cause you will) and know that it WILL get better, and at some point he's gonna be putting up with the same shyt as you, and that new gym body WILL sag, and its gonna KILL her trust me. If you meet someone and some sparks fly, have at it, just know that you won't be ready for a relationship for at least 4 or 5 yrs. if ever. That doesn't mean you can't have some mini ones! it will help You will be kind of shocked at the dating game nowadays. with online dating and feminism gone wild, average guys get "not settled for" while they chase the top tier guys, and will even reluctantly share them. like in a gorilla troop or pride of lions. you may have noticed, civilization is kind of going backwards, which is a large part of why your in this situation. know that you]re not alone, this shyt is epidemic. Keep your head up, you're a good man, your kids know that, and are gonna need you.
Author Jimmy33james Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 So I am thinking about telling her I want to tell family today/tomorrow and that I can't be her plan b.....I am fine with her staying until she can find someplace. Comments and suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks
plowguy1 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 (edited) You can get it on kindle, its about a guys 2yr letting go. he kept a journal and made it into a book,really helpful. you will see the futility of trying to make it work, and it will give a glimpse into your exs mindset. I would say don't ask her about telling family, just make up your mind and calmly let her know what you ARE going to do. Once you do this she knows she's gonna look pretty bad, and there's not a real good chance sh's gonna play fair. DOCUMENT AND RECORD EVERYTHING! There is no right action to take anymore to keep her happy, it's about what YOU Again, havimg done this, another thing I would do different, You have to realize right now that this is gonna be nothing less than a small war. and she has a lot more advantages than you, and don't think she doesn't know this. before you do anything practice using your phone as a recording device, or get one. Her nuclear option is to file a false charge against you. It's gonna get wierd her living there till she leaves, and she's gonna want you gone, don't ever forget this . All she has to do is say she's scared, and the po po will be right over to escort you from your home. Welcome to divorce! This woman who you would've walked in front of a train for wants to upend your family. She is not concerned AT ALL with you, its about her and the kids, mostly her. You need to be concerned with you. even if you're dying inside or wanting to explode, you gotta be a rock. do whatever you gotta do to do this and get that recorder it will help you to keep you calm too. Keep a journal of time spent with the kids, dates times, what you did etc. it could be useful for a custody battle later the more info the better, remember, right out of the gate she has all the advantages, you gotta make your own. Get thishttp://http://www.amazon.com/BREAKUP...ywords=breakup book I would say just make up your mind and tell her calmly what you ARE going to do, but always remembering her nuclear option. she's not the woman you knew, she doesn't even know who she is anymore.A good rule of thumb? anything she says, it's only half true, you will never again get the full truth from her, if you ever did. She just knows what she wants in her, and brother, I'm sorry, but it aint you anymore. It hasn't been for a long time, I think you know that. She'll say it's not that. look at her next time she goes "out" and notice the time and effort she puts into her "look" makeup just right, her favorite bra that makes her tits look the best, probably some new sexy underwear. when was the last time she did this for you? and don't beat yourself up, she could have done it, but to her you weren't worth it anymore. some random bar guy is though. The betrayal of someone so close to you is unlike anything you will ever experience. Just remember she never really loved you or she could never imagine doing something like this. She lost attraction for you, that happens, but love (if it even exists in women for men) gets through that as lots of older generation folks know. keep that chin up, you're a MAN and you WILL get through this Edited April 5, 2014 by plowguy1 addition
plowguy1 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Again, havimg done this, another thing I would do different, You have to realize right now that this is gonna be nothing less than a small war. and she has a lot more advantages than you, and don't think she doesn't know this. before you do anything practice using your phone as a recording device, or get one. Her nuclear option is to file a false charge against you. It's gonna get wierd her living there till she leaves, and she's gonna want you gone, don't ever forget this . All she has to do is say she's scared, and the po po will be right over to escort you from your home. Welcome to divorce! This woman who you would've walked in front of a train for wants to upend your family. She is not concerned AT ALL with you, its about her and the kids, mostly her. You need to be concerned with you. even if you're dying inside or wanting to explode, you gotta be a rock. do whatever you gotta do to do this and get that recorder it will help you to keep you calm too. Keep a journal of time spent with the kids, dates times, what you did etc. it could be useful for a custody battle later the more info the better, remember, right out of the gate she has all the advantages, you gotta make your own. Get thishttp://http://www.amazon.com/BREAKUP...ywords=breakup book
Author Jimmy33james Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 Thank you for your continued support.... Just had to do it.....I know people are going to start asking me about her ring and I won't be able respond. I told her she wasn't happy and I think we just need to tell people and look for somewhere for her to live (response was why do I have to leave an I calmly responded you are the one that wants the changes so I don't think I should have to). She said she thought I was trying to scare her into staying and I said no, I just want the limbo to be done if she's leaving to leave, I can't be her plan b. she said she didn't think she could ever love me again and I told her that was ok and everything would work out in the end with no hard feelings. I told her I can't keep blaming myself but I know we have both made mistakes and I'm sorry it came to this. She has left in the car to "have her reaction". I stayed calm and didnT show any emotion and that did feel good.....scared as hell about where I go from here. Said she thinks I didn't show her I loved her enough and was too controlling so she stopped trying to go out with friends (not entirely correct as all of her friends until these new ones also had young children and weren't going out either) but I do accept that I put the kids first (is that compleletly Wrong, no....but I should have shown her more Ffection and I should have not gotten sad and pouty when she did go do things with girlfriends (didnT think she ever changed plans because of this but I guess I was wrong and didnT see it) I know I could have handled a little better but am happy with how it went overall.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Did you close the bank accounts and credit cards? If not, she may just access ALL money available to her right now.
plowguy1 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Thank you for your continued support.... Just had to do it.....I know people are going to start asking me about her ring and I won't be able respond. I told her she wasn't happy and I think we just need to tell people and look for somewhere for her to live (response was why do I have to leave an I calmly responded you are the one that wants the changes so I don't think I should have to). She said she thought I was trying to scare her into staying and I said no, I just want the limbo to be done if she's leaving to leave, I can't be her plan b. she said she didn't think she could ever love me again and I told her that was ok and everything would work out in the end with no hard feelings. I told her I can't keep blaming myself but I know we have both made mistakes and I'm sorry it came to this. She has left in the car to "have her reaction". I stayed calm and didnT show any emotion and that did feel good.....scared as hell about where I go from here. Said she thinks I didn't show her I loved her enough and was too controlling so she stopped trying to go out with friends So her answer is get all slutted up for random bar guys? really?(not entirely correct as all of her friends until these new ones also had young children and weren't going out either) but I do accept that I put the kids first (is that compleletly Wrong, no.... Thats what parents do, dude we all make mistakes this really aint about what you did or didn't do. It's about what you're worth to her, which aint much. remember what I said about the truth from her? you'll never get all of it again... I know I could have handled a little better but am happy with how it went overall. I think you did fine This is by far the hardest thing, barring losing a child you will ever do. shes a mess right now, shes probably gonna come back and offer you some of that golden vag of hers. If you take it, it will feel great, but prolong the inevitable (get that book!) If you don't take it watch out, she might go nuclear you gotta keep being a rock. She may even hit you, It will go against every fiber in you, but take it. do not lift a finger to her and take picyures of yourself after. Theres nothing fair about whats coming for men, you have to know that. I know you're scared as hell, who wouldn't be? A lot of men have been down this road and made a lot of mistakes, learn from them you only get one shot at it if you don't have any body to talk to email me you're not alone
plowguy1 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Did you close the bank accounts and credit cards? If not, she may just access ALL money available to her right now. True dat! everything changes now, her mask is off
plowguy1 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 she said she didn't think she could ever love me again and I told her that was ok and everything would work out in the end with no hard feelings. I know you probably had some good times, but she never really loved you. She loved what you could give her. life smacked you around a bit like it often will, real love helps people with that, not "goes out" Problem is its extremely rare nowadays You handled that brilliantly! right now she has you and tingles guy on the scales. Dude let him win, play shytty games win shytty prizes...she'll never love anyone again, she's probably not capable of it, few women are. You are the prize, you may not believe that, hell I can be the same way. And you know what? guys like us may not get a lot of action, don't worry about it. there's a big world out thaere with lots to do and cool people to meet.
plowguy1 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 this is the link for that book, I think it would help you A LOT right now. if you dont have kindle you can get it on you computer free. I think it's called whispersync. and read it on there. its 5 bucks. can't reccomend it enough for you Amazon.com: BREAKUP: enduring divorce eBook: LEO AVERBACH: Kindle Store
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