It's been three years, and I don't know if it's right anymore.

April 2, 2014

I have been with my girlfriend for three years now and I love her so much, but I don't know if I am 100% in love with her, or that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

The first month of our relationship was very difficult because she had feelings for me, however I just wanted to be friends. We were such great friends (and still are!) and I didn't want to ruin that by trying to date. I had only previously been with men, never having dated a woman before her. I felt pressured by her into making a decision because she told me that if I didn't want to be her girlfriend, that she didn't think that she could just be my friend. I didn't want to lose her, but at the one month mark I tried to break up with her because I didn't think it was right for me. I just didn't feel the same for her as she felt for me. Well, we ended up getting together anyway, and have been happy together ever since (for the most part).

We have lived together for the majority of our relationship, moving in after five months of being together. We get along great, we do everything together, we talk out our feelings when problems arise, we equally share tasks, and we both love each other very much, but I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she feels a lot more for me than I feel for her and that this just isn't meant to be. For example, when she talks about getting married and having children, I feel very scared because I don't know if that's what I want. I have said jokingly, "Woah, woah, woah, slow down there," to indicate how big of a step it is, but she doesn't know how much it scares me. She talks about it like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Also, I have been thinking about men more and more lately, but I can't tell her this because, in general, it would hurt her feelings to know I was dreaming about being with someone other than her, but also because she has always had a big insecurity about me leaving her for a man, and I fear that it is exactly what will end up happening.

Another thing is that she likes to be very affectionate, and I feel that I have been distant from her, not wanting to cuddle or sleep with her, and she is starting to sense it. When we are in bed with each other, the look in her eyes tells me that she is having intense feelings that I am not experiencing. For me, she doesn't get me hot and my climaxes are not that great compared to the intense, earth-shattering ones that she has.

I feel that I'm not right for her, and I would even go as far as to say that I am not good enough for her. She deserves better than me. I have lied to her in the past about things like smoking cigarettes (which she does not like and wishes I would not do) and also about pleasing myself (when she wants to be the only one to do it). These are things that I just want to keep and have for myself, and because of her dislike, I had to lie about them if I wanted to continue them. The same goes for thinking about men. I can't tell her, so I have to lie, and I hate lying to her, because I do care about her so much. Also, I feel that sometimes I act immaturely and don't take her thoughts and feelings as seriously as I should. I just feel so bad, and I don't know what to do.

I know that she loves me to the moon and back and that she would do anything for me, but I'm having all these doubts. I know that if/when I break up with her, she is going to fall apart, and so am I because I will lose the most important person in my life, but I think that it's what needs to happen. She and I both deserve to find someone who loves us equally as much as we love them. It breaks my heart that I don't love her in the same way, but I just can't do this to her anymore. I don't want to lose my best friend, but holding onto her just so that I could continue to live conveniently and comfortably would be selfish and unfair to her.

I wanted to wait until she is done with this quarter of school because I know if I did it now, she would have a really hard time and couldn't do her work and I would hate myself if I was the reason she didn't get her degree. If I wait until the summer, she will have that time to recover. It is two months away, so I am using this time to figure out what to do.

Mostly I want to figure out if anyone thinks that these issues can be resolved without a break up, or if what I fear is truly inevitable. I welcome any advice or direction anyone might have. Thank you.

April 2, 2014

Your gut is speaking to you, so listen to it. You aren't in love with her and can't see yourself spending the rest of your life together. And that's okay. You can't prolong or stay with her in fear of hurting her or worrying about how she will be afterwards. All you can do is be respectful when you end it.

You're a good guy stuck in a painful situation either way. If you stay, you'll be hurting her and yourself too.

April 2, 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound a lot like my ex-fiance when he realized he was not in love with me. He cared about me so much and often felt like he was not good enough for me.

I know it was hard for him to end things with me (although he moved on within a few days) because he knew how much I loved him (more than anyone ever has, and he knew that). Your girlfriend is probably the same way--loves you THAT much. Yes, it would hurt her to break things off, but it seems like you know this is the right thing to do, for both of you. My ex-fiance hoped that he would have the feelings for me that I have for him, but it never happened. I wouldn't encourage you to wait, either. It's been three years already.

I agree with whichwayisup--don't prolong this with the fear of hurting or how she will be afterwards. Be respectful when you end it, and I know you will be. You care about her so much and I'm sure you will make this evident. Although it will cause pain, ending the relationship is the best thing you can do for the both of you right now.

April 2, 2014

Thank you for your advice. I have thought a lot about it, so it seems like I know what I want, but I'm still not sure. Even with all that I have said about not feeling the same, when I think about living without her, it hurts so much. When I think about it, I don't want to live without her, but is it because she is the one, or is it because I don't want to go through the break up to get to that point? Could my hesitation merely be a fear of commitment? Or is my stomach turning at the mention of marriage and children a fear of something I don't want for my future?

Also, from the beginning I have not been that attracted to her physical aspects, but more so her personality and caring, compassionate nature. I have gone back and forth wondering if I should overlook this, or if physical attraction is so important in a relationship. I don't get weak in the knees over her, but I love her with my whole heart. I just don't know what to do...

April 2, 2014

I would honestly ask you if you were my ex posting on here, but she already did the deed of breaking up with me, so you are not her. But boy, do you sound an awful lot like her.

I really don't know what advice to give you because I feel for your girlfriend. I was her. I am her.

My ex finally got the courage to leave when I proposed. That scared her enough to finally just bite the bullet and do it. She lost her best friend and the most important person in her life, admittedly. In the end she still went with her gut and left.

Of course, I think she made the absolute wrong decision, but time will only tell for her. Leaving me effectively killed anything between us at all (there will be no friendship, no nothing), so prepare for that. It's all or nothing. I know in a perfect world my ex probably wishes we could be best friends who hang out all the time and fool around once in a while when she gets the urge. In reality, she either gets all of me or none of me though. She chose the latter. I wish her the best of luck, but I do know that no one will love her as much as I did. And at least I know I have 100% no regret and loved with all my heart. She will probably always be left to wonder if she did the right thing or not.

But ultimately, I'm glad she left, because as it was, I could tell she was feeling the way you feel now, and it killed every little part of me, every day, even though I tried to pretend it wasn't really happening.

So if you are not 100% about this girl, leave her. You will never have her in your life again, but that is the risk you take. She does deserve someone who is 100% about her. So though you will shatter her heart (and god knows how she will react, hopefully she takes the high road and leaves you the hell alone immediately), at least some day she will be available for someone else who may be able to give her everything she deserves.

As for you, I honestly think you need to figure out your sexuality before you commit to anyone again in the future, unless you wish to live a polyamorous lifestyle. My girlfriend was not only unsure, she was also uncomfortable with the idea of an alternative lifestyle, so that just added a whole nother shi*ty layer to the whole thing.

This whole post honestly was beyond heartbreaking for me to read.

April 2, 2014

Thank you for your advice. I have thought a lot about it, so it seems like I know what I want, but I'm still not sure. Even with all that I have said about not feeling the same, when I think about living without her, it hurts so much. When I think about it, I don't want to live without her, but is it because she is the one, or is it because I don't want to go through the break up to get to that point? Could my hesitation merely be a fear of commitment? Or is my stomach turning at the mention of marriage and children a fear of something I don't want for my future?

Also, from the beginning I have not been that attracted to her physical aspects, but more so her personality and caring, compassionate nature. I have gone back and forth wondering if I should overlook this, or if physical attraction is so important in a relationship. I don't get weak in the knees over her, but I love her with my whole heart. I just don't know what to do...

Did you ever get weak in the knees over her? I mean after 3 years pretty much anyone is going to wear off as far as the excitement goes.

My ex did this back and forth with me for 18 months before she finally went ahead and left. And I know it was the toughest decision of her life. I personally think she is a fool and an idealist, and sees love and marriage as this Big Screen romantic movie she is supposed to be living - you all need to grow up. It's hard enough to find someone who won't cheat on you, much less find someone you "love with all of your heart".

Break up with her, because you need a dose of reality. You need to go out there and be with a dude again and find out it isn't the be all to end all. You need someone to stand you up. You need someone to put you down. You are not ready to appreciate true love. That's the problem. It is not fear of commitment, it's immaturity. I'm not trying to be harsh but it's the goddamn truth.

April 2, 2014

I agree that it is heart breaking. Every time I read a reply, I cry, but I needed to post this because I needed help.

The confusion regarding sexuality is an issue, you are right, but when I fell in love with her, it wasn't about her gender. It was about who she was as a person, and I didn't want her gender to influence that. I would say that I am bi, but mostly straight. I cannot deny the bias in my feelings toward men.

April 2, 2014

And I will tell you a secret: I wasn't that physically attracted to my ex at the beginning either. She grew on me. But even throughout there were physical aspects of her that drove me nuts to the point where I would have to tell myself I cannot be so shallow, and be thankful for what I have.

Funny, she left me. But I did feel that way. Of course now I think she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen physically (now that I don't have her). I used to just be so attracted to her beautiful heart and soul. Now, I am no longer. She hurt me, and I don't see her heart as being near as beautiful as I believed it to be. Sad.

April 2, 2014

I agree that it is heart breaking. Every time I read a reply, I cry, but I needed to post this because I needed help.
The confusion regarding sexuality is an issue, you are right, but when I fell in love with her, it wasn't about her gender. It was about who she was as a person, and I didn't want her gender to influence that. I would say that I am bi, but mostly straight. I cannot deny the bias in my feelings toward men.

If you fell in love with her because of who she is as a person, then why are you so worried about the physical attraction?

I don't know. I really do think you should break up with her and get a reality check. Go out with a guy. See how you feel. This is a tough one because, well because it is. But my God, if I knew my ex was ever having such doubt to post on here, I would have kicked her out before she could have left me. Told her good luck. I personally think you are just the pretty typical person who has been in a relationship that's gone stale and you are losing sight of what you have. And I don't know how else to cure this but to lose it, and figure out that you don't know what you have till it's gone.

April 2, 2014

The physical attraction part is not my biggest concern. I just know that it is one of the main aspects of a successful relationship (according to the articles I've read). My biggest concern is that I am not feeling the same level of love for her as she is for me. If I could change my feelings, I would. That's why I wanted to find help on here to see if there is anything that I can do before I break up with her, because I would really hate to do that. It's just that all the signs are kind of pointing in that direction.

I know that she loves me with the most love someone can give a person, and that to give that up would just be crazy. I am not chasing the cliche movie romance, because I know that doesn't exist. All I want is to feel the same exact way for her as I know she feels for me, and I don't know if that's possible.

I think I've felt it before, but I don't feel it now. I don't know if it's gone, or if I've just lost sight of it.

April 3, 2014

I really feel for you, Dazed. My ex-fiance also didn't feel the same level of love towards me as I did for him. He also didn't want to break up with me because he didn't want to hurt me, and he also didn't want for me to not be in his life (we live in different countries).

It happened, though. And although it hurt very much, I know it was for the best. He was struggling so much with his lack of feelings towards me and about his uncertainties about marriage that I know it made him distant and not fully invested in the relationship. He tried to change his feelings too, and it didn't happen. Even if your feelings did change, they'd probably revert back to how they are now. It's unfortunate, because this girl seems like such a wonderful person, and you as well, and you both care so much about each other... so this is so hard for you. Again, I really feel for you.

April 3, 2014

The physical attraction part is not my biggest concern. I just know that it is one of the main aspects of a successful relationship (according to the articles I've read). My biggest concern is that I am not feeling the same level of love for her as she is for me. If I could change my feelings, I would. That's why I wanted to find help on here to see if there is anything that I can do before I break up with her, because I would really hate to do that. It's just that all the signs are kind of pointing in that direction.

I know that she loves me with the most love someone can give a person, and that to give that up would just be crazy. I am not chasing the cliche movie romance, because I know that doesn't exist. All I want is to feel the same exact way for her as I know she feels for me, and I don't know if that's possible.

I think I've felt it before, but I don't feel it now. I don't know if it's gone, or if I've just lost sight of it.

That is very heartbreaking. You know what my ex told me when I asked her why she said yes when I proposed if she was just going to leave 10 days later? She said, "Because I wanted it to be yes".

She wanted to feel as strongly for me as I did for her, but she just didn't anymore. I am in tears right knowing this, and maybe somewhere, she is in tears too, knowing that. And there was nothing either of us could do. I don't understand it quite honestly, as I have never fallen out of love someone while with them ... so I don't know what it feels like or how/why it happens.

I'm sure you probably feel like no matter which way you decide at this point will be very painful for you. It's kind of a lose/lose situation. I don't mean to be harsh in my responses towards you, it's just that your story hits home for me so much, I can't even begin to explain it.

I wish I had advice for you. My ex would probably have better advice for you. I don't know how she feels now, 3 months post break up. The only insight I have into her life is what I can see on Pinterest (and I've stopped looking at that because it's too painful to have ANY indirect contact with her). I don't know if she feels she made the right decision. But she must, because she has not come back. And honestly, I think it's too late for her to come back anyway. She hurt me too bad for it to ever be right again.

I'm sorry you are going through this - I'm sorry your partner is going through this. I am just sorry. And I wish I had advice. I think people should try to work stuff out, but I also have never felt the feeling of not being as in love, so I really have no say -- I'm always the one who is more in. Sucks.

April 3, 2014

There may be times where your partner doesn't know if it's right. She may not just tell you. She may be committed to you, regardless of whether it is "right", or not. To her, it may just be love, unconditional love. It doesn't matter if it's passionate, platonic, comfortable, attached. Whatever. It is love, and worth it. That is what you offer her. But you have to be getting what you need from her as well. It doesn't matter if you are everything to her, if you are uncertain, inevitably it will rub off on your partner. We all have our uncertainties in life. The question is if this uncertainty is big enough for you to want to end a good relationship over.

So I give you this to read. Take your time, work through it, and ponder it: Can Your Relationship Be Saved, by Dr. Michael S. Broder

Sometimes relationships run their course. They are only a failure if they run longer than necessary and cause more grief than necessary. And yes, there will be grief if it is truly over. Lots of it. You can't help it.

But there will be even more grief if you choose not to end it. It takes two people to make a relationship work. In the long run, it will be better for you to find someone you truly love 100%, as for her, if she has loved you 100%, she will likely find someone else to love 100%. Because if you love fully, compassionately, deeply, you know that love is a renewable replicatable resource and it's bounds are limitless if you are willing to love wholly and completely.

Sometimes the best way to love a person is to know that you can't do it for them, and to let them go find that 100% love that they deserve, because you WANT for them to have that, even if you can't do it for them. If that's the closest you can get to giving 100%, few will fault you.

If you decide to let her go, it is going to be the hardest thing you ever do, because you run the very high risk of her walking out of your life FOREVER. But ultimately, you have to have the faith in yourself and your partner that what you are doing is best for both of you. And in the long run, if she isn't completely destroyed by it, (take solace in the fact that a very low percentage of people are completely destroyed by breakups, and do bounce back) she will come to realize it too, and may eventually have a grudging respect for you for doing it, at best. In it's own sick and twisted way, this is your last gift to her, to set her free to be who she is and find the love she deserves.

It's going to be tough going. May you both have strength.

Edited April 3, 2014 by elseaacych

Sign In

It's been three years, and I don't know if it's right anymore.

Recommended Posts

DazedAndConfused43

whichwayisup

sooshi

DazedAndConfused43

DontBreakEven

DontBreakEven

DazedAndConfused43

DontBreakEven

DontBreakEven

DazedAndConfused43

sooshi

DontBreakEven

elseaacych

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...