FloridaKeys Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Jothebo... your post with your long list of reasons for why you would choose to never date a woman with a child was in my head last night... I took my son out for dinner and then some shopping last night. I spent some time really looking around and people watching while I was doing it. This really isn't the norm for me, I'm usually very self-focused and don't pay much attention to what's going on around me. I noticed something that jarred me... not once, not twice, but on three separate instances I noticed something. 3 different men "noticed" me. I guess I'm not as ugly as I thought I was (or my ex had me believing anyway). I saw them notice me, check me out, look interested and THEN... see my son and their whole demeanor changed. It was really quite interesting to see the change in their faces... from that look of "ooh, she's kind of cute" to "oh $%#, she has a kid" UGH!!!! All I could think about was... DAMMIT!!! He's right! Holy crap, I'm going to be single for a very long time. Maybe when they see you with a kid, they figure you're married or taken? That's what I would probably assume. 5
stillafool Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 And those men do exist, and you should not need to convince them to 'go ahead and date you'. I'm not sure what you were hoping to get from this thread? I completely agree. Raena if that man finds you attractive but doesn't want to get involved with you because you have kids then he is not the man for you. I certainly can't understand why you would want to convince him otherwise. Your kids come first, right?
stillafool Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 UGH!!!! All I could think about was... DAMMIT!!! He's right! Holy crap, I'm going to be single for a very long time. You wouldn't be if you would give guys with kids a chance.
Author Raena Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 You wouldn't be if you would give guys with kids a chance. Who said I wouldn't give guys with kids a chance? I never said that. I did say that no one should tell me that I should ONLY date men with kids.
Author Raena Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 Maybe when they see you with a kid, they figure you're married or taken? That's what I would probably assume. Yeah, that's probably what I would assume too. It was really quite interesting to see the looks on their faces though. I never noticed it before because I wasn't looking or paying attention at all to other men before this.
Author Raena Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I completely agree. Raena if that man finds you attractive but doesn't want to get involved with you because you have kids then he is not the man for you. I certainly can't understand why you would want to convince him otherwise. Your kids come first, right? If you read all of my responses on here you'd know why I wrote this in the first place. It wasn't really meant as a generalization to ALL men... just one in particular that I really wished felt differently. I needed to think that one through. I couldn't understand why, if he likes me, he'd be scared off because of my child. He's really good with kids. I've watched him work with my students and I've listened to him brag about his nephew that he adores over and over. He's good with kids... but that's a long shot off from putting himself in a situation where he could potentially be a step-parent at some point. I get it better now... especially after reading the responses on here. We aren't in our 20's or 30's. Both of us are in our 40's. I don't think age really makes that much of a difference overall but it does change the perspective. I can completely understand why a man in his 20's would be totally against dating a single mother. Even 30's I can understand it too. But at some point... a man in his 40's has to realize that there aren't going to be that many single women who are also in their 40's that DON'T have children. The same works in the opposite direction for me too. I can't expect to find a man my age who doesn't also have children and load of other baggage that goes along with the reasons why either of us would find ourselves to be single at this stage of life. There are probably other factors at play here too that have nothing to do with me being a single parent for why it didn't work out with him. It doesn't really matter anymore either because we've stopped talking to each other.
gaius Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Jothebo... your post with your long list of reasons for why you would choose to never date a woman with a child was in my head last night... I took my son out for dinner and then some shopping last night. I spent some time really looking around and people watching while I was doing it. This really isn't the norm for me, I'm usually very self-focused and don't pay much attention to what's going on around me. I noticed something that jarred me... not once, not twice, but on three separate instances I noticed something. 3 different men "noticed" me. I guess I'm not as ugly as I thought I was (or my ex had me believing anyway). I saw them notice me, check me out, look interested and THEN... see my son and their whole demeanor changed. It was really quite interesting to see the change in their faces... from that look of "ooh, she's kind of cute" to "oh $%#, she has a kid" UGH!!!! All I could think about was... DAMMIT!!! He's right! Holy crap, I'm going to be single for a very long time. How do you know they weren't assuming you're taken they saw a kid? There was some woman doing laundry who I thought was stunning the other day. Didn't help her dryer was right in front of where I was sitting and she was bending over a lot right in front of me. Think I stared at her at least 75% of the time I was there. Then her kid showed up. It made me think she probably had a dude. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) as a single mum of five kids what i do appreciate is finding a guy who adores kids but foremost has passion for me I appreciate honesty and one thing i do know is that younger guys without kids dont really know what's involved with dating a single mum....i dont blame guys who dont date single mothers because they find it too hard guys i do not respect are guys who go for single mothers thinking they are a soft touch and open their legs because they have given birth ....because honestly we can be soft hearted...we have to be nurturing and have faith in humanity ....because we are raising humanities next generation........forgiving....compassionate kind and good hearted, loving and receptive...we make all kinds fo mistakes we stress about ..........some guys (do worse than say stupid crap about how toxic we are, actually prey on single mothers.......its not easy to date when you have kids........but then.....dating is never easy for anyone ....as this site is proof undeniable of...single guys, single women, women with kids, men with kids.....all a minefield of variable beliefs.... as a single mum stand tall......you are worth a real man's effort..and that guy who makes the effort makes every negative connotation ever said about your status as a single mother....inconsequential..deb Edited April 7, 2014 by todreaminblue
ascendotum Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Yeah, that's probably what I would assume too. It was really quite interesting to see the looks on their faces though. I never noticed it before because I wasn't looking or paying attention at all to other men before this. I think you said this was the first time you slowed down when out and took notice of the guy's walking around you. Normally you are too focused on whatever it is you are doing with your kids or shopping. Well, guess what... you noticed quite a few guys checking you out. As others have said, many guys will assume the father is around. If you smile back or give them the eye back then they might re-evaluate that thought and strike up a conversation. You could also strike up conversations with guys when out : say standing next next to them in a shop or in a queue or at the food court of the shopping center, etc. Its just going to help increase your chances of meeting someone. I was chatting to one of the women in my gym recently and she dropped into the conversation that she was separated (I had seen her before down the shops with her kids)
jothebo41 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) Jothebo... your post with your long list of reasons for why you would choose to never date a woman with a child was in my head last night... I took my son out for dinner and then some shopping last night. I spent some time really looking around and people watching while I was doing it. This really isn't the norm for me, I'm usually very self-focused and don't pay much attention to what's going on around me. I noticed something that jarred me... not once, not twice, but on three separate instances I noticed something. 3 different men "noticed" me. I guess I'm not as ugly as I thought I was (or my ex had me believing anyway). I saw them notice me, check me out, look interested and THEN... see my son and their whole demeanor changed. It was really quite interesting to see the change in their faces... from that look of "ooh, she's kind of cute" to "oh $%#, she has a kid" UGH!!!! All I could think about was... DAMMIT!!! He's right! Holy crap, I'm going to be single for a very long time. Yeah that reaction would seem to be about right. I've been 'guilty' of it plenty of times. I did not make my post or give those reasons (trust me, I could have given 30 instead of 12...) to be king of the internet. Reana, to those who keep telling you that they probably 'just thought you were taken' you need to realize that probably wasn't the case. It was the child. Looking at your left hand for a ring is not rocket science. Do you know how many guys hit on my previous gf even when we were visibly together? A lot. Do you know how many guys hit on married women? Not quite as much, but they are there. Since I seem to be the only one giving real life examples and real life insight here you go again. Me and my buddy went to the store last night to get some shrimp and some beer. As we were walking out we saw some cute, ringless, woman about our age (23-25) struggling with a non-cooperating 3/4 y/o and attempting to get her groceries in her car at the same time, looking miserable. We both thought omg...that SUCKS (before anyone says we are mean for not helping her, we are both decent human beings, he is in a successful LTR, we went to the store for some food/beer before a basketball game, nothing else, not our fault) We even had a conversation about single moms when we were driving back to my place. I remembered this thread and asked him about it. We pretty much came to the same conclusion: NOOO, unless she was super hot and/or slaved for me. Which we both admitted was totally unrealistic. And we are both decent human males with jobs who do their best to respect women. And that mindset is not changing anytime soon. Do you see why the snapping your fingers and neck rolling 'for a real man' is horrible advice? I'm giving you the realest insight I can. If me, or my contemporaries, can brainstorm up to 30 reasons why I would not want to consider you as a serious partner, I'm going as far as looking at you and nothing else. Correlating to your example. I'm hoping this makes sense. None of the reasons I listed (there are way more) involve the personal soul of you or the child, most focus on the mess that it brings being childless and dating someone with children. And even the fact you admitted your ex was a single dad; who did something horrible, turning you into a single mom. That is horrific irony. Almost setting a boundary for both genders to stay away from single parents. Edited April 7, 2014 by jothebo41
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