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Go ahead and date that woman with a child


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Posted

I was just reading in another thread on here where several people commented "if she has a child stay away from her, unless you have a child too, because you know there's a father around somewhere too". That isn't exactly what was said but it prompted me to make this statement.

 

Please don't be afraid to date a woman who has a child. I am that woman. Yes, I have a child. Yes, he has a father. No, he isn't in his son's life as much as I wish he would be. But please don't shun me because I'm a mother.

 

His father caused enough damage in my life. He ripped apart our family and left for some young skank. Does that mean I am destined to always be alone? Do I really have to continue to be alone because now I'm not "date worthy" material just because I have a child? It's almost like my ex gets to hurt me over and over again.

 

Why should it be that I only date men who have children also? Do you have any idea how much more difficult it is to blend children from two different families?

 

Single mothers want to be loved too. We aren't all looking for some replacement daddy figure for our children. I just want to meet someone I can love, respect and trust and who feels the same for me. I want someone for ME, not for my child. Yes, you'd have to get along with my child, and yes it does make things a bit more complicated, but I'm worth it.

 

It just pains me to hear that statement made. It really does. It's heart-wrenching to know that my little boy, who means the world to me, would scare anyone off.

 

Just putting my two cents out there... something to think about...

 

Feel free to reply with however you all see this differently than I do.

  • Like 30
Posted

Single moms are some of the strongest people on this planet.

 

Hopefully you realize that any man who can't see that, respect that, and adore that just isn't worth your time.

 

Because we all know, you don't have a lot of free time to burn.

  • Like 12
Posted

people who considered children "baggage" annoyed the *&*&^&% out of me before I had a child. I didn't want them around me before I had a kid and I CERTAINLY don't want them around me or my son now.

  • Like 2
Posted

I'm a father of two girls and I strongly prefer to date mothers. Almost to the point that it is a rare exception indeed that I would date a non-mother.

  • Like 1
Posted

Amen! I too am a single parent and although I haven't had any issues with men dating me just because I had a child, I know it is an issue with many.

 

Honestly, my personal feeling about this is if there are men who are afraid to get involved with women JUST because they have children, so be it. They aren't worthy of her or her children and ultimately says a lot of about their character.

 

As Maya Angelou once said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

 

:)

  • Like 4
Posted

Depends on the situation. I date single mothers, but when only certain conditions exist. For instance, the age of the children.

 

If the she doesn't have them 24/7 and they're quite young. At that point, its just best for them to date when they get older. At least that they're old enough to use a microwave and re-heat leftovers. :)

 

I actually know of single mothers that have older kids that won't date single parents with younger kids.

  • Like 1
Posted

I'm trying to date a single mom and the kids don't scare me. I'm an uncle to 3 girls that I've been a strong part of their lives since birth. Her kids are 4, 2, and 9 months old. I'm not looking to replace their father. I'm looking to spend time with her when she can. That's all. When she decides when to introduce me to her daughters, I'll be honored. I just feel like with how things have been between us since us first going out that either she's too scared to admit that's she not interested in dating, she doesn't want to talk via text, or I truly ****ed up by giving her a quick kiss at the end of the first date and I can't fix that.

 

second, we are co-workers. she's a cashier and I work in the lumber department. Not like we get to see each other often but when we do, it's nice. I don't know. Why can't we be adults about this and talk about it face to face and decide whether both of us have any interest in pursuing this or just decide it would be best to friends? using silence as a response, at least to me, shows a sign of lack of respect. I'd rather talk it out, hurt feelings or not, and gain each other's respect and maybe at a later time will our lives have gotten to a better place, try again.

Posted
Amen! I too am a single parent and although I haven't had any issues with men dating me just because I had a child, I know it is an issue with many.

 

Honestly, my personal feeling about this is if there are men who are afraid to get involved with women JUST because they have children, so be it. They aren't worthy of her or her children and ultimately says a lot of about their character.

 

As Maya Angelou once said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

 

:)

 

A lot of men (myself included) would prefer to raise their own children as opposed to someone else's children.

 

If you think that makes me a bad person, well, I'm okay with that. ;)

  • Like 9
Posted (edited)

I'll post a two center,

 

maybe its because single moms are dis-proportionately not really 'sane' in the eyes of most single guys like myself and many others?

 

I mean, it does happen, but did it really come so totally out of left field your baby daddy left you after you got pregnant or soon after the baby? Depending on the actual stats which I am not even close to having, most guys stay FAR away, something on her part raised a red flag to a guy who got WAYY further than me their go around vs me meeting/dating her.

 

It can be a huge turn off to guys, not to mention the general not-fun-at-first caring about someone's kid when you are trying to get to know them, plus the different and often confusing dynamic it entails of eventually caring for something that is not your own.

 

There is actually some joy into being a 1st time parent with someone else. You aren't as special as you may have thought for being on your own (admirable) but you had a baby with a sack of crap. Congrats, others will view accordingly, no matter how fairly or unfairly. Especially guys who try to date you but get turned off when they realize you have a kid...

Edited by drg2365
Posted

I'm only 32, and I feel that I'm nowhere near mature enough to date a woman with kids.

 

Frankly, I don't even like kids. That probably won't change until I get my own. There is no way I could date a woman who has kids when I have zero desire to interact with the kids.

 

While it may be harder to mix two families together, at least you know that the guy knows how to handle kids.

Posted

I hear you. I really hate such replies

 

Stay away from this woman, she has a kid

 

stay away from this girl, she has male friends

 

stay away from this girl, she has issues!

 

Really Who doesn't have issues, problems, ...If you like this girl and she didn't hurt you ..Go get her with no excuses

 

U don't want me or anyone to tell you what to do and just go and get her!

Posted
I'll post a two center,

 

maybe its because single moms are dis-proportionately not really 'sane' in the eyes of most single guys like myself and many others?

 

I mean, it does happen, but did it really come so totally out of left field your baby daddy left you after you got pregnant or soon after the baby? Depending on the actual stats which I am not even close to having, most guys stay FAR away, something on her part raised a red flag to a guy who got WAYY further than me their go around vs me meeting/dating her.

 

It can be a huge turn off to guys, not to mention the general not-fun-at-first caring about someone's kid when you are trying to get to know them, plus the different and often confusing dynamic it entails of eventually caring for something that is not your own.

 

There is actually some joy into being a 1st time parent with someone else. You aren't as special as you may have thought for being on your own (admirable) but you had a baby with a sack of crap. Congrats, others will view accordingly, no matter how fairly or unfairly. Especially guys who try to date you but get turned off when they realize you have a kid...

 

This is a rather hostile post. I don't want to date a single mother because I want my own biological children would have sufficed. Being kind and compassionate are virtues. When you most need compassion and understanding for life's decisions that didn't turn out well due to the other person you married being a philanderer, maybe you will look back on this post and wonder if maybe you could have been kinder and more understanding. No one said you have to date single mothers, but to level out this much vitriol and make these kinds of unenlightened assumptions, you must have a lot of anger and hate in your heart.

Believe what you want, life sometimes is unfair to those who don't deserve it too, and reading raena's story, she certainly didn't deserve her husbands behavior.

This is a forum, but the common courtesy of not being unkind still applies,

Grumps

  • Like 16
Posted

 

Honestly, my personal feeling about this is if there are men who are afraid to get involved with women JUST because they have children, so be it. They aren't worthy of her or her children and ultimately says a lot of about their character

 

I prefer to date women without children not because of any fear I have of children, but because I'm not really into making lifelong commitments right now, and it's not really fair to the kids to come into their lives temporarily.

 

Not sure if that makes me a bad person, but if it does, so be it.

  • Like 4
Posted
I'll post a two center,

 

maybe its because single moms are dis-proportionately not really 'sane' in the eyes of most single guys like myself and many others?

 

I mean, it does happen, but did it really come so totally out of left field your baby daddy left you after you got pregnant or soon after the baby? Depending on the actual stats which I am not even close to having, most guys stay FAR away, something on her part raised a red flag to a guy who got WAYY further than me their go around vs me meeting/dating her.

 

It can be a huge turn off to guys, not to mention the general not-fun-at-first caring about someone's kid when you are trying to get to know them, plus the different and often confusing dynamic it entails of eventually caring for something that is not your own.

 

There is actually some joy into being a 1st time parent with someone else. You aren't as special as you may have thought for being on your own (admirable) but you had a baby with a sack of crap. Congrats, others will view accordingly, no matter how fairly or unfairly. Especially guys who try to date you but get turned off when they realize you have a kid...

 

 

Just because you are a guy, that doesn't make you a god

 

And yeah, I'll tell you that.. from experience

 

You will end up with a single mom

 

Congratulation. :)

Posted (edited)

I don't think the proper response is to start attacking the men that don't desire to date single moms and then just have judgments made about their character over it.

 

I think men have the right not to date single mothers without any judgment...whether they just feel like they're going to be a replacement father, or they're not ready for children, or maybe they don't like kids or ever want them, the bottom line is like in anything else that is their choice for their own reasons. The reason is not important, I think you should appreciate that honesty as that's an easy incompatibility for you,so you don't waste each others time.

 

It doesn't mean it's not the right or wrong reason either, because I do believe men can make assumptions without ever giving it a chance to begin with so I can understand how...I guess more or less "educating" men what a single moms thinking and what her expectations are, or what she is looking for, might help alleviate the fear factor/stereotype over it. With that being said, guys are pretty firm in that regard until they are ready or choose to do things differently, they're making those decisions for their own reasons.

 

I think men can definitely sympathize with Raena's post but I also think it's taking things a bit too personal. I know that doesn't exactly help, but these men don't have an objection towards you as a woman or a person, or even as a mother or what kind you are, it could be for many reasons they don't date women with children, period...it's a general decision, not a personal one.

 

I would advise you to simply overlook the men not interested in dating single moms, ignoring their comments and statements that you find hurtful, and focusing on the men that are willing to, that's how you're going to find the right man to date.

 

A powerful post btw Raena...well done.

Edited by Ninjainpajamas
  • Like 9
Posted

I'm 24 years old. I see a lot of mothers my age on dating services, and I wouldn't say that I'm "scared." Throughout my years of living, I have had opportunities to have unprotected sex. I've also been through three pregnancy scares. I have worked really hard to NOT get a woman pregnant. I made it through high school getting erections during math class without paying for sex, or making dumb sexual decisions. I could've lost my virginity at the age of 12, but I decided against it because I didn't have any condoms with me. I made it this far without accidental pregnancies, or anything like that. The reason why I don't pursue women with kids isn't because I'm scared to date them -- it's because I would've had to give up all the things I've sacrificed in the past. I want to have kids when I'm good and ready, and I would like the kid(s) to biologically be mine. I know that I could adopt, I know I could date a woman who already has a kid, but why sacrifice my dreams when I have no obligation to? I know that mothers are great partners because they've been through hell and back -- I know that they wouldn't break my heart unless they absolutely had no other choice. I know that mothers are probably great sex partners as well. I'm well aware that I'm missing out on great woman, but there's a reason why it's a deal breaker for me.

 

As much as I hate to say it, my happiness is more important than your happiness because I'm all that I have in my life. Also, your happiness is more important than my happiness because it's your life. I will always be there for myself. To date a woman with a kid would be a sacrifice, and I don't feel that I'm willing to sacrifice my dreams just because of a woman who may or may not be with me for the rest of my life. I made the mistake of believing that my sacrifices would prevent heart break, but they weren't. Unless I found an amazing woman who helps me become happier than I already am, and I'm guaranteed to live with that woman till the day I die...then I won't make that sacrifice. However, that's just me -- someone who has only experienced ONE real relationship, never been married, etc.

 

I'm really sorry that it makes the dating process more difficult if you have a kid. I kind of know how you feel as I'm a guy who doesn't have a whole lot going for him. It's unfortunate that our past and the things we do can over-lap our amazing personalities (and maybe looks as well), but that's just how men and women work. When I become a father, I want to be a good father...but if I got into a relationship with a woman who already has a kid, I know I wouldn't be a good father because, quite frankly, I'd be biased. It'd be hard pretending I care about a kid that isn't mine, and a child deserves a father, biological or not, who will be the best father that he can be to your child.

  • Like 2
Posted

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date people with kids. Where the problem arises is when judgement calls are made on single parents' mental health, etc..

  • Like 10
Posted (edited)
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date people with kids. Where the problem arises is when judgement calls are made on single parents' mental health, etc..

 

Yes. Or, in the case of this thread, judgement calls on the character or integrity of people who simply prefer not to date single parents.

 

I think the OP does have a valid point - there's no point in giving blanket advice to everyone to avoid single parents. As a matter of fact, I doubt that anyone who desires to avoid single parents needs to be exhorted to do so; most adults know whether they would or would not want to date someone with kids without being told.

 

But the posts bashing folks who don't want to date single parents are equally bad. I'm a woman. I wouldn't date a man with kids, ever, ever. It isn't any judgement on his morality or character. I know a few single parents, and they are wonderful people. I just don't desire to be in a relationship with a man with kids, period. It's about compatibility.

Edited by Elswyth
  • Like 10
Posted (edited)

Great post im a single mother also I feel the same way, here's my personal favorite....

 

"they only want someone to pay their way and support them"

 

Ha! As if the many years we haven't done it all on our own without a man didn't happen, not saying there arnt girls out there looking for a meal ticket but there are lots who wouldn't dream of asking some guy for cash, items or full time daddyhood.

 

I dated two men long term and im proud to say I never asked for support nor wanted them too but was glad to see they treated my child like a friend.

 

Anyway I really liked your post OP

 

Some guys think that when you date a women with a child you have to then become a father when actually you don't chances are if they have been raising that child for many years prior and then by the time you've been around long enough that childs at some age point where they know a guy isn't the father and doesn't see them as such, unless its some type of special bond that arises but I think that's leaning towards the movies.

 

Ps more often than not single mothers at out there because the fathers turn out to be deadbeats that are cold hearted and could care less about their own flesh and blood, women step it up (I know there are single dads too) but in reply to the redflags are not sane comment is the person that steps up to the plate really the issued one? I dont think so

Edited by Omei
  • Like 2
Posted

I see this as maturity or life stage thing. I think back to my pre kid, pre marriage days and I dated a single mom. The kid thing freaked me out. It wasn't her, it was me. Like I was playing with chips far more valuable than I was comfortable with. I didn't know the first thing about kids.

 

Flash forward to now and I have real problems dating women who don't have kids and it has nothing to do with the kids. It has everything to do with the fact that I feel that having kids matures you - moves you into another state of being. A less self absorbed state. I find that non-mothers are actually more "nutty" than mothers contrary to what some have said in this thread.

 

But what I think it really boils down to is just a parent - non parent thing. Because I am a parent I "get" other parents. They seem familiar to me, they speak my language. We have common ground. That is something that is missing when I date a non parent. And the opposite probably holds true for the non parents out there.

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

Casually date? Possibly. Seriously date (with a relationship in mind)? Nope.

 

As a man without kids, I dont want to get serious with a single mom and end up raising some other mans kids. Her and I can have some fun, but thats about it. I want to seriously date a woman who has not had children yet.

 

Mind you Im 27. For a childless individual, many of us view kids as baggage. Thats just reality. There are many things that can be considered as baggage that you bring into different relationships. Kids are just seen as one of those main forms of baggage because they are permanent.

 

But meh...sue me for not wanting to date a single mom seriously. Im still trying to enjoy my young and carefree days. The last thing I want to do is date a woman who doesnt have the same freedom I do. Im just not in that place in my life to date a woman with such a responsibility as kids.

Edited by kaylan
  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
Casually date? Possibly. Seriously date (with a relationship in mind)? Nope.

 

As a man without kids, I dont want to get serious with a single mom and end up raising some other mans kids. Her and I can have some fun, but thats about it. I want to seriously date a woman who has not had children yet.

 

Mind you Im 27. For a childless individual, many of us view kids as baggage. Thats just reality. There are many things that can be considered as baggage that you bring into different relationships. Kids are just seen as one of those main forms of baggage because they are permanent.

 

But meh...sue me for not wanting to date a single mom seriously. Im still trying to enjoy my young and carefree days. The last thing I want to do is date a woman who doesnt have the same freedom I do. Im just not in that place in my life to date a woman with such a responsibility as kids.

 

 

Who says you have to raise it? I have a seven year old who is pretty much gone all the time between school and family you would be surprised at how much free time there is.

 

I have not made the teenager stage yet so idk, I expect they will get even more busy

Edited by Omei
Posted
Who says you have to raise it? I have a seven year old who is pretty much gone all the time between school and family you would be surprised at how much free time there is.

 

I have not made the teenager stage yet so idk, I expect they will get even more busy

Lets not even try that "who says you have to be a parent" stuff. If the kid is young, and Im looking for a serious long term relationship or marriage, I will end up a step parent that helps raising the child. Lets be real here.

 

I dont wanna skip what I consider natural steps in the progression of a relationship. I want to have the fun care-free, no obligation stage. Then I want the serious committed, living together stage. Then the fun first year of marriage stage. THEN I want a kid after all of that. And this is all if I ever have the desire to have children, which Im still unsure of.

 

And regarding your point about free time. Sure parents can have free time, but never the same time of free time childless folks have. I want to be able to spontaneously tell a love interest to go away with me for the weekend to a nearby city. I want to be able to have sleepovers without having to worry about being caught having sex.

 

That kind of freedom is tough with kids.

Posted

If you date somebody with children, you become tied down to the area, and hence to where you can work. You also are tied down to working with and around the other parent. I think it can work, but not for somebody in their 20's with no children and lots of freedom and opportunities.

  • Like 1
Posted
I'll post a two center,

 

maybe its because single moms are dis-proportionately not really 'sane' in the eyes of most single guys like myself and many others?

 

I mean, it does happen, but did it really come so totally out of left field your baby daddy left you after you got pregnant or soon after the baby? Depending on the actual stats which I am not even close to having, most guys stay FAR away, something on her part raised a red flag to a guy who got WAYY further than me their go around vs me meeting/dating her.

 

It can be a huge turn off to guys, not to mention the general not-fun-at-first caring about someone's kid when you are trying to get to know them, plus the different and often confusing dynamic it entails of eventually caring for something that is not your own.

 

There is actually some joy into being a 1st time parent with someone else. You aren't as special as you may have thought for being on your own (admirable) but you had a baby with a sack of crap. Congrats, others will view accordingly, no matter how fairly or unfairly. Especially guys who try to date you but get turned off when they realize you have a kid...

 

Raena, thank you for an important post!

 

I have to comment on the above quoted post because when I first read it I thought it had to be some kind of April Fools joke. Then I realized it was just a joke.

 

My children's father did not abandon them because I'm insane. My children's dad is dead. Does that mean because I am a single mother I don't deserve love, partnership and goodness???

 

The good news is that this kind of narrow thinking can be weeded out. When I fall in love, the relationship only goes forward if it's four people falling in love. The magic comes when my children and I fall in love, and my partner falls in love with three people as well. I'm a unit. I don't apologize for that, nor will I. Ever.

 

In all potential dating situations I choose to be up front. I am a widow. This means full time mom, no sharing with dad. I have two kids. If this is an issue, I'd rather be up front. Because, as posted earlier, I'm not going to waste my time with someone that is closed to my life. Itime is precious, I only choose to give it to those deserving. I'm not going to apologize for being who I am in the circumstance in which I live, nor should ANY single parent.

  • Like 3
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