Go ahead and date that woman with a child

[ltjg45]

^Divorce happens. Its unrealistic and incorrect to assume that its always bad judgment that leads 2 people to not work out romantically. Sometimes people just grow apart for whatever reason (and there can be a lot of reasons). Life happens, and sometimes its better to have two loving parents in two different households, rather than keeping two adults who dont belong together under the same roof. Sometimes thats the worse of the situations.

 

However, that isn't the case. In fact, that scenario you mentioned is the one least likely to happen when there is a single mother or father.

 

When I see a single mother, what I have seen is that a douche male slept with an willing female, got pregnant, and then abandoned the mother and the child with no regret. You can find this (or something similar) when the mother is getting child support from the father. I know I am making assumptions but I have yet to find a single mother that isn't like this.

Edited April 4, 2014 by ltjg45

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Completely understandable. That permanent shared bond with the ex (the parent of the child) is the exact same reason why I wouldn't want to be with a single father either. Plus, that man obviously had bad judgment if he isn't with the mother of his child anymore (just as many women get pregnant by d-bags and then expect someone else or society to pay the [figurative] bill).

 

Wtf is wrong with society anyway, so many single parents! It's disgusting, those poor kids growing up being juggled between 2 different households, the drama of saying goodbye every weekend, the drama of suddenly having mother and father split up...parents should put in EVERY DAMN EFFORT to stay together for the kids (that includes screening upfront who you want to have kids with and use better contraception).

 

I am 32 and have never been pregnant once because I know how to use birth control. I can't understand how there are so many single parents in this society, it is truly sick and the unfortunate sufferers are always the children. It is traumatizing to have your parents split up and deal with some new stepfather and stepbrother (I am the child of divorced parents. I can honestly say that the only normal, nice, truly functional and healthy people I know in my life are......people whose parents did not divorce or split up).

 

So yes, no single parents for me either. I would want the experience of having a first child with someone who doesn't have children yet. (If I ever get to that point.)

 

Wow. This post is full of so many ridiculous assumptions and fantasies about what occurs during the course of marriages over the years and the impact on children. What exactly kind of screening do you propose to determine a marriage that will never end in divorce? And how do you think children are impacted by parents that stay together for their sake only, but live in resentment and unhappiness with one another?

 

So you're 32 and never had children. You want a cookie? Doesn't make you better or smarter than any single parent out there. You've lived and chosen a different path in life. That's all.

[Revolver]

I know more women who refuse to date guys with kids than guys who refuse to date women with kids but for some reason they don't get the same shame or stigma for their decision. It's a massive double standard

[jothebo41]

I don't even know why people think its a shock, or get offended, people don't want to date people with kids, especially when they have none of their own. Its massive baggage, maybe when the kids are older, but when they are kids two words. No. Thanks. For a number of reasons.

 

I'll share this story my friend's older brother told (see: warned) us about dating a single mom awhile back:

 

He was like 28, met a 26 y/o with a 4 y/o. She told him on the second date, she was really cool and they ended up dating. It didn't last for these reasons. He said it was just 'weird' (this guy is a good guy, happily married now) and there wasn't anything wrong with her. She was super nice, but a tinge desperate - because no one wanted to seriously date her - becuse she had a kid. He said when he went over to her house, the 'little kid talk' the toys/shows was weird to him. He didn't meet the kid right away either. But he saw it in her apartment, before he met him. He grew sick of her talking about the kid and what they did. It was weird because it wasn't his kid. He realized that if they moved into serious bf/gf status he wouldn't love the kid very much, and the mom would always love the kid more than him. He said it was a weird feeling. He met the dad once, the dad was a sack of crap. On top of it being awkward, it made him look at her: you had a KID with THIS guy?? It was a weird feeling. He realized that, although she was good to him, that this was a terrible idea. He broke it off, (he was respectful about it per his story) lasted maybe 5 or 6 months.

 

Single moms under 35 and/or young kids. Not even once.

Edited April 4, 2014 by jothebo41

[Raena]

Completely understandable. That permanent shared bond with the ex (the parent of the child) is the exact same reason why I wouldn't want to be with a single father either. Plus, that man obviously had bad judgment if he isn't with the mother of his child anymore (just as many women get pregnant by d-bags and then expect someone else or society to pay the [figurative] bill).

 

Wtf is wrong with society anyway, so many single parents! It's disgusting, those poor kids growing up being juggled between 2 different households, the drama of saying goodbye every weekend, the drama of suddenly having mother and father split up...parents should put in EVERY DAMN EFFORT to stay together for the kids (that includes screening upfront who you want to have kids with and use better contraception).

 

I am 32 and have never been pregnant once because I know how to use birth control. I can't understand how there are so many single parents in this society, it is truly sick and the unfortunate sufferers are always the children. It is traumatizing to have your parents split up and deal with some new stepfather and stepbrother (I am the child of divorced parents. I can honestly say that the only normal, nice, truly functional and healthy people I know in my life are......people whose parents did not divorce or split up).

 

So yes, no single parents for me either. I would want the experience of having a first child with someone who doesn't have children yet. (If I ever get to that point.)

 

Well.. your choice in your avatar name tells it all... as does this post. That holier than thou attitude is obnoxious.

 

I'm guessing that you believe that should you get married and have children that you would NEVER split up with their father NO MATTER WHAT he does? Let me tell you something... there are NO guarantees in this world. He could die, he could decide he wants a younger model because he doesn't like how fat you got from having his children, he could choose to leave you and you would have NO say in that no matter how hard you tried. It's narrow minded to believe that every "single parent" out there made some poor choice to end up there. Some are given no choice in the matter. For some it's the BEST choice.

[Raena]

I don't even know why people think its a shock, or get offended, people don't want to date people with kids, especially when they have none of their own. Its massive baggage, maybe when the kids are older, but when they are kids two words. No. Thanks. For a number of reasons.

 

I'll share this story my friend's older brother told (see: warned) us about dating a single mom awhile back:

 

He was like 28, met a 26 y/o with a 4 y/o. She told him on the second date, she was really cool and they ended up dating. It didn't last for these reasons. He said it was just 'weird' (this guy is a good guy, happily married now) and there wasn't anything wrong with her. She was super nice, but a tinge desperate - because no one wanted to seriously date her - becuse she had a kid. He said when he went over to her house, the 'little kid talk' the toys/shows was weird to him. He didn't meet the kid right away either. But he saw it in her apartment, before he met him. He grew sick of her talking about the kid and what they did. It was weird because it wasn't his kid. He realized that if they moved into serious bf/gf status he wouldn't love the kid very much, and the mom would always love the kid more than him. He said it was a weird feeling. He met the dad once, the dad was a sack of crap. On top of it being awkward, it made him look at her: you had a KID with THIS guy?? It was a weird feeling. He realized that, although she was good to him, that this was a terrible idea. He broke it off, (he was respectful about it per his story) lasted maybe 5 or 6 months.

 

Single moms under 35 and/or young kids. Not even once.

 

Your friend's older brother should seriously reconsider the idea of ever having children of his own if being in a home where there are children's toys present makes him feel weird. I get that someone who isn't a parent and never took care of young children would feel uncomfortable with it, but this is a bit extreme.

[Raena]

My mother never seemed to have trouble dating when I was growing up. I remember a steady stream of potential suitors coming over the house for dinner even though they knew I'd be there. And they weren't staying overnight. Certainly had her options. Most of them would call again and she'd turn them down. And my mother isn't even much of a looker.

 

I honestly don't see much difference nowadays. If a woman knows what shes doing when it comes to guys it's not much of an issue. I don't mean to be mean but pretty much every guy I've seen in this thread saying they wouldn't date a woman with kids has at least hinted at being in the lower spectrum experience wise. How as a guy do you even know what you'd do until it actually happens? When that single mother comes along that you're really attracted to and actually have a chance with?

 

I have a REAL problem with single mother's who do this (see bolded). To have a "steady stream of suitors" coming into the home with children present is just bizarre and very wrong. Get to know the potential mate first and only when there is a commitment to a relationship do you introduce the children.

 

I talked to my son about this already. Mind you he's only 7 so he doesn't understand the in's and out's of relationships. He wanted to know why I wasn't dating anyone and whether or not there would ever be another man in the house. I told him that even if I did date that I would have to make sure he has "good manners" and would treat us both well before I'd introduce him to my son. I put it in terms he would understand. But... I know darn well I won't be introducing every frigging date to him.

[aurelijus]

I guess it depends on the age of the person. Singles who are in late twenties/early thirties with a child are more likely to grab attention than singles with child who are in the early twenties. My 2 cents...

[Raena]

However, that isn't the case. In fact, that scenario you mentioned is the one least likely to happen when there is a single mother or father.

 

When I see a single mother, what I have seen is that a douche male slept with an willing female, got pregnant, and then abandoned the mother and the child with no regret. You can find this (or something similar) when the mother is getting child support from the father. I know I am making assumptions but I have yet to find a single mother that isn't like this.

 

Please explain what you mean by the bolded section. Are you saying that you believe that if a single mother gets child support then it's only because the father abandoned them? You do realize that child support is mandatory with child custody arrangements right? It isn't just douchebag fathers that have to pay it, it has to be paid by the parent who does not live with the child... that means mothers who choose to leave their children too... and it in no way means that the father abandoned the child. Some parents are really good about co-parenting whether they are together or not, it has no bearing on what kind of person either one of them are though.

[jothebo41]

Your friend's older brother should seriously reconsider the idea of ever having children of his own if being in a home where there are children's toys present makes him feel weird. I get that someone who isn't a parent and never took care of young children would feel uncomfortable with it, but this is a bit extreme.

 

He's actually a pretty good dude and has a kid now with his wife, that's why he attempted to date a single mom because he liked her. And a good dude that made a coherent story/list of reasons to me and my friend when we were talking about women a few summers ago. It was death by a million cuts as I pointed out in his story. Its not like he looked at those toys and felt nauseous or kept looking over his shoulder as he saw them on the floor. It was different and it didn't feel right to him to be dating someone and being around that (he didn't buy them and/or pick them out with his partner being big reasons). That's far from extreme, given his plethora of other reasons and situations he listed about why he didn't enjoy the experience.

 

The moral of that story was, it wasn't about the woman, ...or the kids toys..., it was about all the chit that goes along with it that is not fun for someone to deal with. So most people generally avoid it, correlating to my friend's brothers quasi-advice.

Edited April 4, 2014 by jothebo41

[ltjg45]

Please explain what you mean by the bolded section. Are you saying that you believe that if a single mother gets child support then it's only because the father abandoned them?

 

Basically, at least from my own experience.

 

It is insanely rare for a mother to get child support from a father that did want to be around with his child.

 

Of course, I also have seen mothers purposely roadblock the child's father from seeing his child despite he is willing and then use it as a weapon against him when requesting for child support. This is something I have seen a few times and is currently used against my brother right now.

 

You do realize that child support is mandatory with child custody arrangements right? It isn't just douchebag fathers that have to pay it, it has to be paid by the parent who does not live with the child... that means mothers who choose to leave their children too... and it in no way means that the father abandoned the child.

 

Yeah but it is also insanely rare. This is why single dads who actually has custody of their children is a bit rare: most mothers, regardless if they are good parents or not, is not going to give up their children for various reasons.

 

My mother is one example....and perhaps my best example. Even now when we all are grown up, she fights to keep every one of her 4 boys under the same roof with her.

 

Why? I have no bloody idea.

 

Some parents are really good about co-parenting whether they are together or not, it has no bearing on what kind of person either one of them are though.

 

But when that is the case, child support is typically not needed since both parents is being involved in the care of the child, financially and emotionally.

 

There was something else I wanted to add but I forgot. If I remember, I will add it in a separate post.

[isisisweeping]

ither. I oint.)

 

Hi, single mom here. Divorced. Got pregnant during marriage with perfect use of birth control (exact same time every day; no missed pills; no antibiotics)

 

My child's father refused counseling and did not want to be married anymore because of things we realized about who we are.

 

He's not a bad guy, either. Not a douche.

 

You know what they say about assumptions.

[jothebo41]

I have no idea why this thread keeps going. This is being split into two different categories (why a single mom became a single mom in the first place) and (why guy's do not like to seriously date them)

 

I cant speak much of the 'why single mom', im in my earlier 20s, most of my peer-single-moms are sluts and/or decided to get intimate with a dude who is a M but wears a XXXL.

 

But why men avoid...? I'm going to re copy and paste this and the response from OP it gernerated.

 

 

I don't even know why people think its a shock, or get offended, people don't want to date people with kids, especially when they have none of their own. Its massive baggage, maybe when the kids are older, but when they are kids two words. No. Thanks. For a number of reasons.

 

I'll share this story my friend's older brother told (see: warned) us about dating a single mom awhile back:

 

He was like 28, met a 26 y/o with a 4 y/o. She told him on the second date, she was really cool and they ended up dating. It didn't last for these reasons. He said it was just 'weird' (this guy is a good guy, happily married now) and there wasn't anything wrong with her. She was super nice, but a tinge desperate - because no one wanted to seriously date her - becuse she had a kid. He said when he went over to her house, the 'little kid talk' the toys/shows was weird to him. He didn't meet the kid right away either. But he saw it in her apartment, before he met him. He grew sick of her talking about the kid and what they did. It was weird because it wasn't his kid. He realized that if they moved into serious bf/gf status he wouldn't love the kid very much, and the mom would always love the kid more than him. He said it was a weird feeling. He met the dad once, the dad was a sack of crap. On top of it being awkward, it made him look at her: you had a KID with THIS guy?? It was a weird feeling. He realized that, although she was good to him, that this was a terrible idea. He broke it off, (he was respectful about it per his story) lasted maybe 5 or 6 months.

 

Single moms under 35 and/or young kids. Not even once.

 

Why go through that hassle? Its not fun, no matter how well she doesn't put the child on him.

 

Your friend's older brother should seriously reconsider the idea of ever having children of his own if being in a home where there are children's toys present makes him feel weird. I get that someone who isn't a parent and never took care of young children would feel uncomfortable with it, but this is a bit extreme.

 

Ignoring: the general dealing with a child and mom interacting with child that is not of your blood, the realization he would never love the kid vs she would never love him as much as her kid, seeing how she got knocked up by a huge douche bag and questioning - are you srs? That was the bare bones of the story, there were numerous specific examples. I'll give one, before he ended the relationship, they all went to a grocery/drug store, kid through a fit over something a 4/5 year old would do, he just face-palmed and asked himself ("What am I doing here"?) he got embarrassed and people thought that was "his" kid.

 

And yet after attempting, he is happily married with a child of his own.

 

To repeat:

 

 

The moral of that story was, it wasn't about the woman, ...or the kids toys..., it was about all the chit that goes along with it that is not fun for someone to deal with. So most people generally avoid it, correlating to my friend's brothers quasi-advice.

Edited April 5, 2014 by jothebo41

[Raena]

Basically, at least from my own experience.

 

It is insanely rare for a mother to get child support from a father that did want to be around with his child.

 

 

But when that is the case, child support is typically not needed since both parents is being involved in the care of the child, financially and emotionally.

 

 

This is a threadjack and has gotten off the point of my original post, but I feel like I need to respond to you...

 

Your statement isn't true. Child support is given to the primary caretaker of the child regardless of the amount of time spent with the other parent. Even if the father is involved all the time emotionally/physically, the courts will still make him pay child support. The amount varies and there are many factors that are involved... his salary, her salary, cost of rearing the child(ren),how many children there are, whether or not either parent is paying child support for other children and whether one parent will have full custody, or if there is joint custody with visitation or 50/50 custody. But no matter what, there is ALWAYS child support included. Even in a 50/50 custody arrangement where the child spends an equal amount of time with both parents, the parent who makes the most money pays support to the other parent.

 

Now... if you mean that the court system doesn't need to get involved and enforce one parent paying child support to the other then that's a very different story and THAT is very rare. I haven't gone to court yet myself. I probably should to protect myself, but even if my son's father were in his life on a daily basis, he'd still have to pay child support. That's just the way it works.

 

I had a feeling you were misunderstanding it. It simply isn't true that the father pays child support only when he doesn't want to spend time with the child. He could spend every day with his child and still have to pay child support.

[Raena]

I have no idea why this thread keeps going. This is being split into two different categories (why a single mom became a single mom in the first place) and (why guy's do not like to seriously date them)

 

I cant speak much of the 'why single mom', im in my earlier 20s, most of my peer-single-moms are sluts and/or decided to get intimate with a dude who is a M but wears a XXXL.

 

But why men avoid...? I'm going to re copy and paste this and the response from OP it gernerated.

 

 

 

 

Why go through that hassle? Its not fun, no matter how well she doesn't put the child on him.

 

 

 

Ignoring: the general dealing with a child and mom interacting with child that is not of your blood, the realization he would never love the kid vs she would never love him as much as her kid, seeing how she got knocked up by a huge douche bag and questioning - are you srs? That was the bare bones of the story, there were numerous specific examples. I'll give one, before he ended the relationship, they all went to a grocery/drug store, kid through a fit over something a 4/5 year old would do, he just face-palmed and asked himself ("What am I doing here"?) he got embarrassed and people thought that was "his" kid.

 

And yet after attempting, he is happily married with a child of his own.

 

To repeat:

 

I don't know... it was the whole repeating of the word "weird" over and over again that stood out to me and made me think that the person being described shouldn't become a parent. I think it's weird to feel so weird about being around a love interests child. That's my perspective.

 

My ex had a 6 year old child when I met him. He spent every other weekend with us very early on in the relationship. I didn't feel weird about it, nor did I care what other people thought when they saw the three of us together and he misbehaved. I accepted that if I was going to be involved with this man, then I better get used to his son being around. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it didn't take long before I realized that I could be the "fun" person in that child's life, much like an aunt, instead of a disciplinarian. He and I had a blast together and even now that his father and I are split up, we still keep in touch (he's 18 now). I never felt "weird" about it, I accepted him as part of the package. All I'm asking now is that someone offer ME the same kind of empathy, understanding and caring that I offered my ex. Being a parent and trying to date isn't easy. If there are men who aren't interested in that.... so be it... they aren't really worth my time then anyway.

[jothebo41]

This is a threadjack and has gotten off the point of my original post, but I feel like I need to respond to you...

 

Your statement isn't true. Child support is given to the primary caretaker of the child regardless of the amount of time spent with the other parent. Even if the father is involved all the time emotionally/physically, the courts will still make him pay child support. The amount varies and there are many factors that are involved... his salary, her salary, cost of rearing the child(ren),how many children there are, whether or not either parent is paying child support for other children and whether one parent will have full custody, or if there is joint custody with visitation or 50/50 custody. But no matter what, there is ALWAYS child support included. Even in a 50/50 custody arrangement where the child spends an equal amount of time with both parents, the parent who makes the most money pays support to the other parent.

 

Now... if you mean that the court system doesn't need to get involved and enforce one parent paying child support to the other then that's a very different story and THAT is very rare. I haven't gone to court yet myself. I probably should to protect myself, but even if my son's father were in his life on a daily basis, he'd still have to pay child support. That's just the way it works.

 

I'll edit for your immediate previous post that women are just more nurturing towards all kinds of children then men

 

I had a feeling you were misunderstanding it. It simply isn't true that the father pays child support only when he doesn't want to spend time with the child. He could spend every day with his child and still have to pay child support.

 

Lol. Respond to an erroneous threadjack

 

Look. Read my posts on here. Relationships are like the lottery. Single moms (and even dads! - if they have similar custody) have lost the lottery. What if I complained I bet my house on a poker game after a good run, lost, then complained I was homeless? Not too much sympathy right. Well same goes here. You lost on the lottery, maybe you were on a good run and gambled? maybe you spent $50k in $1 scratch-offs only to find yourself ruined.

 

Point being. You lost the lottery. The consequences are now caring for a child/children by yourself and the added consequence of people don't want to date you for legitimate reasons (see my previous posts). That be the case.

 

I'll edit for your previous post - women are way more accepting and motherly to children then men are. And I think men and women view the word 'weird' differently. He wasn't 'creeped out' he didn't feel right because the child wasn't his own and encountered various situations he did not enjoy for that very reason.

 

I'll further edit out of human sympathy. Men aren't going to offer you what you offered his kid except in super rare circumstances (read above story) there is a biology to children, women and men view children that aren't of their own differently. I'm sure even though you acted like the cool aunt a little bit of you felt like a mom? Since men are traditionally the providers (since the hunting days) they/me/we/us don't view other children the same way. I'm sorry.

Edited April 5, 2014 by jothebo41

[Carenth]

For me personally, I don't think I have great paternal instincts. I have a few nephews but I can only handle them in small doses. I think the only reason I care about them is that they are blood related otherwise I'm pretty indifferent to children. I've never dated a single mom and won't consider it because I know it would never work out. Mostly because I don't think it would be fun and for me relationships have to be fun and easy to begin with or it isn't going anywhere.

 

I would feel odd dealing with a child that is not my own. Having to possibly deal with the ex husband/boyfriend/guy who knocked you up isn't appealing either. I know this is going to sound shallow but honestly it's a bit of a buzzkill. Especially when there is plenty of single women without children out there for me to date. So I don't waste their time or mine.

[FloridaKeys]

I was just reading in another thread on here where several people commented "if she has a child stay away from her, unless you have a child too, because you know there's a father around somewhere too". That isn't exactly what was said but it prompted me to make this statement.

 

Please don't be afraid to date a woman who has a child. I am that woman. Yes, I have a child. Yes, he has a father. No, he isn't in his son's life as much as I wish he would be. But please don't shun me because I'm a mother.

 

His father caused enough damage in my life. He ripped apart our family and left for some young skank. Does that mean I am destined to always be alone? Do I really have to continue to be alone because now I'm not "date worthy" material just because I have a child? It's almost like my ex gets to hurt me over and over again.

 

Why should it be that I only date men who have children also? Do you have any idea how much more difficult it is to blend children from two different families?

 

Single mothers want to be loved too. We aren't all looking for some replacement daddy figure for our children. I just want to meet someone I can love, respect and trust and who feels the same for me. I want someone for ME, not for my child. Yes, you'd have to get along with my child, and yes it does make things a bit more complicated, but I'm worth it.

 

It just pains me to hear that statement made. It really does. It's heart-wrenching to know that my little boy, who means the world to me, would scare anyone off.

 

Just putting my two cents out there... something to think about...

 

Feel free to reply with however you all see this differently than I do.

I would 'go and date that woman with a child', but she rejected me. I find that single mothers may have more life experience and find they may be more mature. Single or divorced mothers can have their own set of unique standards, too - they're not all desperate for a man.

 

I wish she would have said yes or at least given me some chance.

Edited April 5, 2014 by FloridaKeys

[Raena]

Lol. Respond to an erroneous threadjack

 

Look. Read my posts on here. Relationships are like the lottery. Single moms (and even dads! - if they have similar custody) have lost the lottery. What if I complained I bet my house on a poker game after a good run, lost, then complained I was homeless? Not too much sympathy right. Well same goes here. You lost on the lottery, maybe you were on a good run and gambled? maybe you spent $50k in $1 scratch-offs only to find yourself ruined.

 

Point being. You lost the lottery. The consequences are now caring for a child/children by yourself and the added consequence of people don't want to date you for legitimate reasons (see my previous posts). That be the case.

 

I'll edit for your previous post - women are way more accepting and motherly to children then men are. And I think men and women view the word 'weird' differently. He wasn't 'creeped out' he didn't feel right because the child wasn't his own and encountered various situations he did not enjoy for that very reason.

 

I'll further edit out of human sympathy. Men aren't going to offer you what you offered his kid except in super rare circumstances (read above story) there is a biology to children, women and men view children that aren't of their own differently. I'm sure even though you acted like the cool aunt a little bit of you felt like a mom? Since men are traditionally the providers (since the hunting days) they/me/we/us don't view other children the same way. I'm sorry.

 

Thanks... you basically just told me that I'm screwed... I sure as hell hope that there are people out there that aren't as narrow minded as you present yourself to be.

 

I didn't lose the damn lottery. "Losing" the lottery means you didn't get the money but your life goes on like normal if you don't win...My life isn't going on like normal and I wasn't playing a game. I was trying to raise my child in a two parent family home but his father decided he'd rather not. That doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make my child baggage, and it doesn't mean that I'll be single for the rest of my life either.

 

I, also, sincerely hope that you don't EVER find yourself in my shoes. No amount of preparation and planning could make it so that it would never happen to you. If it does, I hope you don't end up with someone telling you "oh suck it up, you made your choices, now go ahead and plan on being single forever because of it because no one is going to want to be with you"... right now I need to believe that there is hope for the future. I don't mind being alone, I'm a pretty strong independent woman, but I don't want to be alone forever.

[Medium.Lumo]

Don't worry. This guy's talking rubbish.

 

One of my best friends is a single mom and I would have loved to date her, unfortunately the interest wasn't there from her side but we remained good friends and I help her a lot with her daughter.

 

A friend of mine also had a FEB relationship with a single mom. She was 38 he was 24... He said it was amazing sex.

 

Oh and I forgot to add... A lot of guys would love to have a ready made family. Not everyone is as hung up on their own DNA as some of the posters on this thread.

 

Thanks... you basically just told me that I'm screwed... I sure as hell hope that there are people out there that aren't as narrow minded as you present yourself to be.

 

I didn't lose the damn lottery. "Losing" the lottery means you didn't get the money but your life goes on like normal if you don't win...My life isn't going on like normal and I wasn't playing a game. I was trying to raise my child in a two parent family home but his father decided he'd rather not. That doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make my child baggage, and it doesn't mean that I'll be single for the rest of my life either.

 

I, also, sincerely hope that you don't EVER find yourself in my shoes. No amount of preparation and planning could make it so that it would never happen to you. If it does, I hope you don't end up with someone telling you "oh suck it up, you made your choices, now go ahead and plan on being single forever because of it because no one is going to want to be with you"... right now I need to believe that there is hope for the future. I don't mind being alone, I'm a pretty strong independent woman, but I don't want to be alone forever.

Edited April 5, 2014 by Medium.Lumo

[nerdlingZA]

I would never date a single mother , NEVER!. **** that ****

[jothebo41]

I don't know... it was the whole repeating of the word "weird" over and over again that stood out to me and made me think that the person being described shouldn't become a parent. I think it's weird to feel so weird about being around a love interests child. That's my perspective.

 

My ex had a 6 year old child when I met him. He spent every other weekend with us very early on in the relationship. I didn't feel weird about it, nor did I care what other people thought when they saw the three of us together and he misbehaved. I accepted that if I was going to be involved with this man, then I better get used to his son being around. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it didn't take long before I realized that I could be the "fun" person in that child's life, much like an aunt, instead of a disciplinarian. He and I had a blast together and even now that his father and I are split up, we still keep in touch (he's 18 now). I never felt "weird" about it, I accepted him as part of the package. All I'm asking now is that someone offer ME the same kind of empathy, understanding and caring that I offered my ex. Being a parent and trying to date isn't easy. If there are men who aren't interested in that.... so be it... they aren't really worth my time then anyway.

 

Do you notice how that is not every day living with you? That's every two weeks, essentially babysitting. That your ex already had a kid and did that to you. Do you know why single people with kids raise red flags to people without kids?

 

My lottery comment wasn't a 1:1 analogy, but 'winning the lottery' to a single, childless guy under 35 is finding the same and having that relationship end up happily ever after.

 

I'm going to offer a list of reasons that goes through single, childless men about why they don't date single moms. Some will, most won't. I won't, a friend of mine tried because he liked the woman (read story again) and said it wasn't fun.

 

Here you go (in no particular order of importance):

-general dealing with a child that is not of your own blood.

-Starting a relationship with that child once the relationship moves to the next level.

-the kid will always have priority over you, the mom will love always them more

-you probably won't love the kid very much (if it even gets that far)

-feeling generally odd or weird in a situation with a child when you have none of your own.

-Going out and taking the kid with you, and the problems that entails, you could be not doing that with someone else

-Dealing with the kid's dad

-Seeing your partner differently based on the dad (i.e are you srs this is the dad?)

-The discomfort (biology coming in) of realizing someone 'beat you to the punch'

-Kids aren't always fun, its a lot of work, you are now dating a person who is doing a lot of work and not having a lot of fun

-A simple cost/benefit analysis of incorporating the child into your finances (way later on, but still)

 

The list could go on. Notice how none of those dealt with the person you are, your capability to love a man, your dating skill, your true personal qualities and interests.

 

That's why most guys just stay away. If I see a woman at the store, no ring on her finger, kinda cute, just standing there alone? I may go up and talk to her. If I see a woman at the store, ringless, kinda cute, but has one or more (possibly screaming) kids around her. Uhm, no thanks. I'll look elsewhere.

[iiiii]

I can understand people not wanting to date someone with a child or children.

 

When you are looking for someone to date, most people look for someone with a similar lifestyle or similar passions or hobbies to themselves.

 

So if someone isn't into kids, they may not want to date someone whose lifestyle probably (or at least probably should) revolve largely around their kids.

[Raena]

Jothebo... your post with your long list of reasons for why you would choose to never date a woman with a child was in my head last night...

 

I took my son out for dinner and then some shopping last night. I spent some time really looking around and people watching while I was doing it. This really isn't the norm for me, I'm usually very self-focused and don't pay much attention to what's going on around me.

 

I noticed something that jarred me... not once, not twice, but on three separate instances I noticed something. 3 different men "noticed" me. I guess I'm not as ugly as I thought I was (or my ex had me believing anyway). I saw them notice me, check me out, look interested and THEN... see my son and their whole demeanor changed.

 

It was really quite interesting to see the change in their faces... from that look of "ooh, she's kind of cute" to "oh $%#, she has a kid"

 

UGH!!!! All I could think about was... DAMMIT!!! He's right! Holy crap, I'm going to be single for a very long time.

[xxoo]

Raena, I personally know plenty of blended families, and families with a mom, kid, and step-dad. Men date women with kids all the time. Not all men, of course, but there are plenty of men who will.

 

None of these men likely set out to find a woman with a kid. Usually, they met a woman naturally, felt attraction, learned she had a kid along the way (either before dating, or on the first date), and didn't let it stop them.

 

My daughter (a young teen) recently told me that two of her friends' parents are dating. She thought that was slightly odd, and I guess the kids did too, at first, but then they got over it. Life is long, and you never know what doors will present themselves should you choose to walk through them.