Go ahead and date that woman with a child

April 2, 2014

I had my son at 21, and was a single parent for most of his 9 years. I dated a couple of men (casually) who also had children, but I did not involve my son with them, obviously, because we never made it past the casual dating stage. If we had, I would not have wanted the children to meet for a very long time (i.e. until it was established as a relationship leading to marriage) because not only would my son be forming a bond with my partner, but also with his kid(s), and if the relationship were to end, my son would suffer a huge loss. After dating a couple of these single dads who seemed eager to "get the kids together" (and that was the general attitude I'd encountered), I decided that it might be best if I stick to men without children. Ultimately, it worked out for the best. My FI has no children (but wants them, and had to prejudice against me having a child from a previous relationship), and after it was established that we were seriously heading toward marriage, I allowed my son to bond with him.

April 2, 2014

I dated a woman with a child when I was younger, and I would never do it again.

Relationships are hard already with just a man and a woman yet alone a child, his dad etc.

Plus when the relationship ends, you have no legal access to that child even if you grew close to him/her.

And the biggest reason imo, is the child's father. Dating a woman who communicates with her exes is bad enough, yet alone someone who she will always share a bond with.

You can judge me all you want so be it, many women won't date a guy whose not a certain height, in shape etc., so too bad if men don't want to date you because you have a child.

Now would I go out to a casual dinner date with a single mom? sure!

Would I get serious, nope.

April 2, 2014

I'm sorry, but no thanks. That's a clear sign of terribly poor decision making skills if they're around my age. Wouldn't consider it until my late twenties where I'd have my own home. And you can see from the OP that the ex could and most likely would continue to haunt them long after he's presumably gone..

I treat everyone with respect and can show compassion, but I don't have to date someone who's made poor choices early on in life. Seen it in my own family but my sister didn't listen to anyone and will be thinking the same things as the OP unfortunately is...

I'd be open to it if they're perfect for me otherwise but I see a child as a big added list of potential deal breakers tacked on to the normal red flag check off. Even if it's no financial burden on me, will she have a healthy amount of time to actually develop a connection with me? Seems like a childless partner would be much better.

April 2, 2014

I don't understand this statement. Isn't this the attitude you are complaining about from single men? What is wrong with women with kids dating men with kids? I would think there would be a high rate of compatibility and understanding between the two. I'm sorry Raena, but the above statement makes no sense to me.

It goes along with the original statement that got me thinking about it all... because the statement basically said that I should only date men who already have children instead of those who don't.

I never actually said that I wouldn't date a man who has children. Just simply stated that it's much more complicated to date when both have children who would then have to also get along with each other for the relationship to work. My statement makes perfect sense to me...hope this clears it up for you.

Also... just because you both have children doe not necessarily mean there would be a high rate of compatibility and understanding. I've watched it happen to close family members and let me tell you, it's not pretty to watch the fallout when the children do not get along.

That's all... carry on.

April 2, 2014

Please don't be afraid to date a woman who has a child. Please don't shun me because I'm a mother.

If a person is either single or divorced and has a child, it often speaks to his or her judgement. Perhaps you had a child with someone with whom you didn't want a relationship. Or, you were either too uncaring or unskilled to make a relationship work, despite how important it is to keep a child in a two-parent home.

Is this true all the time? No, there are some exceptions. But there are a lot of other deal breakers (e.g. lack of education or employment) that don't always make someone a bad match. Should we dismiss every one and get to know each person, or should we do our best with our limited time to find someone more likely to show good judgement?

His father caused enough damage in my life. He ripped apart our family and left for some young skank. Does that mean I am destined to always be alone? Do I really have to continue to be alone because now I'm not "date worthy" material just because I have a child? It's almost like my ex gets to hurt me over and over again.

I would be hesitant to date someone who slammed their ex and didn't acknowledge that both parties contributed to the downfall of the relationship. The good news is that you are, in fact, relationship material for a lot of men. The bad news is that those men may not be as attractive to you as men who hold out for someone with whom to start their own family. All else equal, would anyone under 40 choose the single parent over the childless person?

Why should it be that I only date men who have children also? Do you have any idea how much more difficult it is to blend children from two different families?

A few people touched on this very articulately. It's hard to have too much sympathy for you wanting to avoid the additional hardship of your partner bringing kids into your relationship.

Single mothers want to be loved too. We aren't all looking for some replacement daddy figure for our children. I just want to meet someone I can love, respect and trust and who feels the same for me. I want someone for ME, not for my child. Yes, you'd have to get along with my child, and yes it does make things a bit more complicated, but I'm worth it.

I dated a divorced mom of two for a few years. She gave up physical custody to move in with me, and saw her kids once a week. She was absolutely committed to me, and she was worth it. You don't want to be as singularly committed to your partner as he is to you, do you?

It's heart-wrenching to know that my little boy, who means the world to me, would scare anyone off.

Many men resent the implicit attack in the phrase "scared off," as if a preference for childless women is a matter of cowardice. I think there are several instances in this post where you express the bitterness, anger and self-centeredness that are the precise reasons men wish to avoid single mothers.

I encourage you to consider the viewpoints of your potential partners as valid, and wish you luck.

April 2, 2014

I think this whole topic can be summed up in two sentences.

- It's ok to not want to date someone who has kids.

- Don't judge single parents.

April 2, 2014

Plus when the relationship ends, you have no legal access to that child even if you grew close to him/her.

This is my main reason for not wanting to date a single dad. I love kids, and would be heartbroken if I built a relationship with them to all of the sudden be cut out from their lives as a persona non grata.

April 2, 2014

There are all different types of single moms. There are certain types that I will avoid like the plague and others I might be drawn to.

The ones I avoid have that "mommy" vibe on all the time. They spend too much time shaping that child rather than letting that child emerge as a separate unique individual. They let themselves be in "kiddie" world, loosing sight of the adult world of socializing...Unnecessary sacrifices that actual work to the determent of the child instead of being beneficial.

The moms that are attractive (to me) generally end up being artists, former drug addicts, introverts...creative types. They realize that it is important for them to live their own lives and be happy, despite having children.

April 2, 2014

. She gave up physical custody to move in with me, and saw her kids once a week. She was absolutely committed to me, and she was worth it. .

Eew.

If I dated someone who even considered this as acceptable...

One of the guys who wants to date me right now... a big plus for him is that he WANTED primary custody and is dedicated to his kids... the opposite.. I would not even want to know that person casually.

April 2, 2014

I think this whole topic can be summed up in two sentences.

- It's ok to not want to date someone who has kids.
- Don't judge single parents.

Those two things AND

-it's also ok to WANT to date someone who has kids

April 2, 2014

If a person is either single or divorced and has a child, it often speaks to his or her judgement. Perhaps you had a child with someone with whom you didn't want a relationship. Or, you were either too uncaring or unskilled to make a relationship work, despite how important it is to keep a child in a two-parent home.

Is this true all the time? No, there are some exceptions. But there are a lot of other deal breakers (e.g. lack of education or employment) that don't always make someone a bad match. Should we dismiss every one and get to know each person, or should we do our best with our limited time to find someone more likely to show good judgement?I would be hesitant to date someone who slammed their ex and didn't acknowledge that both parties contributed to the downfall of the relationship. The good news is that you are, in fact, relationship material for a lot of men. The bad news is that those men may not be as attractive to you as men who hold out for someone with whom to start their own family. All else equal, would anyone under 40 choose the single parent over the childless person?A few people touched on this very articulately. It's hard to have too much sympathy for you wanting to avoid the additional hardship of your partner bringing kids into your relationship.I dated a divorced mom of two for a few years. She gave up physical custody to move in with me, and saw her kids once a week. She was absolutely committed to me, and she was worth it. You don't want to be as singularly committed to your partner as he is to you, do you?Many men resent the implicit attack in the phrase "scared off," as if a preference for childless women is a matter of cowardice. I think there are several instances in this post where you express the bitterness, anger and self-centeredness that are the precise reasons men wish to avoid single mothers.

I encourage you to consider the viewpoints of your potential partners as valid, and wish you luck.

The sad part is, your assumptions that the single parent somehow lacked in judgement is just appalling to me and precisely why I wrote this in the first place. If you are talking about a 20 something with 2 kids by 2 different fathers and never been married then yeah, I can see where you'd have reason to say that. Not every situation is like that however.

Just go read my backstory... see how horrible my ex treated me, see the things he and his skank did and continue to do and you'll understand WHY I speak about him the way I do. Yes I bash him and sadly, I blame myself for everything just because that's how I am. I'm always harder on myself than I am on anyone else.

I'm not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel at all here. All I see are road blocks all over the place saying that I will never find a companion that fits for me and my situation. Maybe that's my lot in life... to be alone... for who knows how long. I don't know.

Right now I'm just hating the fact that there is this guy that I like quite a bit and I know he likes me too but he's hesitant to get involved with me because of my child. I get it. I know why he feels the way he does about it. We are both in our 40's. He's never been married and enjoys his freedom. Getting involved with me could potentially be very painful for him or me in the long run. It just sucks and I wish I could convince him that it isn't as frightening as it seems. The truth is, I'm pretty frightened about it all too so I don't push the issue and I won't with him. I respect his feelings about it and I get where he's coming from. It just makes me realize that this is a much bigger issue than I originally thought it was and I see it everywhere. The general consensus seems to be.... stay away from single mothers.

April 2, 2014

I'm divorced and 40+. I don't have any children from my previous marriage, and I don't date single mothers now. It has nothing to do with them in the least though. It has everything to do with me wanting to have a serious relationship leading to marriage but not wanting to have children.

We're all different, with different wants and needs. I would prefer not to have children in my life, but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with all of the single mothers out there. Nor does it mean that there is anything wrong with me. It just means that our priorities aren't compatible but there is someone else out there for all of us

April 2, 2014

Honest truth? 27 single mom, never dated a guy with children im a pretty lady I've got a real funny personality too single men orbit my way often and all I hear is if she's right then her kids right too maybe its where I live but I've never had a problem with guys and my kid I've never had a guy tell me hes worried about what he's going be to my kid too I really go the zero pressure method this forum doesn't frighten me at all, the men I meet seem to have big hearts, only thing that ever happens is do I like them back or think they're ready a lot of them are naive and will even talk about caring for me and my child with promises of never leaving etc when guys go into that talk early its actually a oh no for me when they're so eager and willing I def know they have no clue what they're in for and already know its not a match..funny isn't it? We would like to have a guy willing but not stupidly willing haha

Maybe I've never met a guy unwilling because they just go as far as to not even speaking to me to start with because they know im something they cant take on

Edited April 2, 2014 by Omei

April 2, 2014

I think it bothers you because you like someone who feels that way. Would you feel any better if he didn't like you because you were too fat or too skinny or too short? People get rejected for way, way less than this.

April 2, 2014

Honestly Kaylan I've never met a guy who wouldn't date a single mom at least for a little while just because she had kids. "Wow, that girl has an ass that won't quit, knows exactly how to talk to me but she has a kid so I'm not even going to have drinks with her". Doesn't happen, the penis wouldn't allow it. Maybe if some guys are on the fence anyway or don't know much about her they'll use that as an excuse to pass.

Which is why many single mothers end up going through lots guys. They can just get used a 'stepping stone' gf or as a fwb. Some get frustrated with it and drop out of dating for quite a while, some I feel kid themselves that them having kids makes no difference, and some go with the flow and have fun with lots of guys.

April 2, 2014

I'm 30 and It would depend on the age of the child. Somewhere around age 8 they develop the smarts to use your insecurity over not being their real dad, both in your head and in a fatherly role, as a tool against you. I don't think I've ever met anyone who was older than that with a good relationship with their stepfather, and they wouldn't be able to tell me anything he did wrong.

Certainly up to about 6 I'd be pretty chuffed to meet a nice single mum and her kid/s. Obviously it wasn't part of The Plan, but not much is these days.

April 3, 2014

Honest truth? 27 single mom, never dated a guy with children im a pretty lady I've got a real funny personality too single men orbit my way often and all I hear is if she's right then her kids right too maybe its where I live but I've never had a problem with guys and my kid I've never had a guy tell me hes worried about what he's going be to my kid too I really go the zero pressure method this forum doesn't frighten me at all, the men I meet seem to have big hearts, only thing that ever happens is do I like them back or think they're ready a lot of them are naive and will even talk about caring for me and my child with promises of never leaving etc when guys go into that talk early its actually a oh no for me when they're so eager and willing I def know they have no clue what they're in for and already know its not a match..funny isn't it? We would like to have a guy willing but not stupidly willing haha

Maybe I've never met a guy unwilling because they just go as far as to not even speaking to me to start with because they know im something they cant take on

There is something to be said for being younger too. I didn't have much problem finding dates when I was your age either. It's much different when you hit your 40's even without a child... but certainly more difficult if you do. But... that is a topic for another thread

I think it's great that you have the wherewithal to not just accept any bozo that comes along promising you the world.

April 3, 2014

I think it bothers you because you like someone who feels that way. Would you feel any better if he didn't like you because you were too fat or too skinny or too short? People get rejected for way, way less than this.

Yeah, you are probably right. It does bother me that THIS particular guy feels this way. It bothers me more when I seem to see that same attitude all over the place though.

Honestly, I have no idea if he isn't rejecting me for some other reason and just using the fact that I have a child as an excuse.

April 3, 2014

I think it bothers you because you like someone who feels that way. Would you feel any better if he didn't like you because you were too fat or too skinny or too short? People get rejected for way, way less than this.

Exactly.

There are guys who are constantly ignored/rejected because they aren't experienced enough or don't earn enough yet for them, 'man up' is the closest thing to empathy they'll get.

Unless you were raped, you willingly chose for this guy to impregnate you. Be accountable for your actions and accept that a childless, desirable man will likely not be willing to pay for your mistakes.

April 3, 2014

I don't think the proper response is to start attacking the men that don't desire to date single moms and then just have judgments made about their character over it.

I think men have the right not to date single mothers without any judgment...whether they just feel like they're going to be a replacement father, or they're not ready for children, or maybe they don't like kids or ever want them, the bottom line is like in anything else that is their choice for their own reasons. The reason is not important, I think you should appreciate that honesty as that's an easy incompatibility for you,so you don't waste each others time.

It doesn't mean it's not the right or wrong reason either, because I do believe men can make assumptions without ever giving it a chance to begin with so I can understand how...I guess more or less "educating" men what a single moms thinking and what her expectations are, or what she is looking for, might help alleviate the fear factor/stereotype over it. With that being said, guys are pretty firm in that regard until they are ready or choose to do things differently, they're making those decisions for their own reasons.

I think men can definitely sympathize with Raena's post but I also think it's taking things a bit too personal. I know that doesn't exactly help, but these men don't have an objection towards you as a woman or a person, or even as a mother or what kind you are, it could be for many reasons they don't date women with children, period...it's a general decision, not a personal one.

I would advise you to simply overlook the men not interested in dating single moms, ignoring their comments and statements that you find hurtful, and focusing on the men that are willing to, that's how you're going to find the right man to date.

A powerful post btw Raena...well done.

This about sums it up for me. I won't date a woman with kids although I do respect & admire them. I may well have the hots for them. It is definitely general, and has nothing to do with the woman. I've turned down dates with single mums who I knew I would have been attracted to. Ultimately, I don't want kids, and especially not at this stage in my life and I can't see any woman changing that. I'd rather admit that from the start than lead the woman on, potentially sleep with her, and then cut the relationship short because of her being a single mum.

April 3, 2014

Exactly.

There are guys who are constantly ignored/rejected because they aren't experienced enough or don't earn enough yet for them, 'man up' is the closest thing to empathy they'll get.

Unless you were raped, you willingly chose for this guy to impregnate you. Be accountable for your actions and accept that a childless, desirable man will likely not be willing to pay for your mistakes.

Well... no I didn't WILLINGLY choose this man to impregnate me. That's a whole other story though.

I'm not looking for a childless, desirable man to pay for my mistakes I'm looking for a man who loves me for me. I've already paid for my own mistakes and apparently will continue to pay for it forever.

April 3, 2014

Honestly Kaylan I've never met a guy who wouldn't date a single mom at least for a little while just because she had kids. "Wow, that girl has an ass that won't quit, knows exactly how to talk to me but she has a kid so I'm not even going to have drinks with her". Doesn't happen, the penis wouldn't allow it. Maybe if some guys are on the fence anyway or don't know much about her they'll use that as an excuse to pass.

I've gotten into fights with guys before and made fun of them for dating a single mother but I'd probably date one if the right one came along.

Hooking up and having fun is different than seriously dating.

I would not seriously date a woman with children. I've turned down a bunch in the past. If they just wanted to hookup, I was always down.

April 3, 2014

I'm looking for a man who loves me for me

And those men do exist, and you should not need to convince them to 'go ahead and date you'.

I'm not sure what you were hoping to get from this thread?

April 3, 2014

i find it funny when a man had preferences he is so picky but when it's a woman who has preferences she has the right.

funny

I don't recommend any guy dating a women with kids 4 and younger. I would say 9 and older and just one kid

April 3, 2014

Exactly.

There are guys who are constantly ignored/rejected because they aren't experienced enough or don't earn enough yet for them, 'man up' is the closest thing to empathy they'll get.

Unless you were raped, you willingly chose for this guy to impregnate you. Be accountable for your actions and accept that a childless, desirable man will likely not be willing to pay for your mistakes.

Exactly, i just posted a thread with a women with a long list of requirements but no way can a guy overlook a women who has something he is not interested in

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Go ahead and date that woman with a child

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