Go ahead and date that woman with a child

[Omei]

Lets not even try that "who says you have to be a parent" stuff. If the kid is young, and Im looking for a serious long term relationship or marriage, I will end up a step parent that helps raising the child. Lets be real here.

 

I dont wanna skip what I consider natural steps in the progression of a relationship. I want to have the fun care-free, no obligation stage. Then I want the serious committed, living together stage. Then the fun first year of marriage stage. THEN I want a kid after all of that. And this is all if I ever have the desire to have children, which Im still unsure of.

 

And regarding your point about free time. Sure parents can have free time, but never the same time of free time childless folks have. I want to be able to spontaneously tell a love interest to go away with me for the weekend to a nearby city. I want to be able to have sleepovers without having to worry about being caught having sex.

 

That kind of freedom is tough with kids.

 

I am being real as someone who dated someone for a year (child 0-2) then someone else for 5 years (2-6 1/2) at no point did they ever assume roles of parent and anything they ever did was assume a role of a buddy nothing more or less.

 

baby life I see your point of time, at most I see my child 5 hourish from school let out till bedtime and on weekends she's gone to grandparents beach house, Fri night to Monday morn, granted not everyone has my weekly plan I guess, but im saying its quite possible, I think I have just as much free time as anyone else my age (27) I have so many windows for sex without my kids around and I also have doors with locks on them so my kid would have to be the offspring of Sherlock Holmes and lock pick my door in 4 secs to catch me, but again I have so many windows for that I've never done it while she's been home.

 

Im just saying its all very possible. For some with good planning.

 

Ps im not saying you're wrong its all very true and valid but im also saying there's ways too and I dont think I've ever had a guy tell me he got too little time.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Omei

[saltyfishhead666]

I was just reading in another thread on here where several people commented "if she has a child stay away from her, unless you have a child too, because you know there's a father around somewhere too". That isn't exactly what was said but it prompted me to make this statement.

 

Please don't be afraid to date a woman who has a child. I am that woman. Yes, I have a child. Yes, he has a father. No, he isn't in his son's life as much as I wish he would be. But please don't shun me because I'm a mother.

 

His father caused enough damage in my life. He ripped apart our family and left for some young skank. Does that mean I am destined to always be alone? Do I really have to continue to be alone because now I'm not "date worthy" material just because I have a child? It's almost like my ex gets to hurt me over and over again.

 

Why should it be that I only date men who have children also? Do you have any idea how much more difficult it is to blend children from two different families?

 

Single mothers want to be loved too. We aren't all looking for some replacement daddy figure for our children. I just want to meet someone I can love, respect and trust and who feels the same for me. I want someone for ME, not for my child. Yes, you'd have to get along with my child, and yes it does make things a bit more complicated, but I'm worth it.

 

It just pains me to hear that statement made. It really does. It's heart-wrenching to know that my little boy, who means the world to me, would scare anyone off.

 

Just putting my two cents out there... something to think about...

 

Feel free to reply with however you all see this differently than I do.

 

 

I'm in the exact same position as you are. Cheers to this statement. People shouldn't be so closed minded when it comes to single mums or in fact dads too

[gaius]

It's more something guys like to say rather than they actually mean. Advising someone else not to date a woman with kids = showing I'm so studly I wouldn't date a woman with kids. They all would though if they met the right one. Maybe with rare exception.

[kaylan]

It's more something guys like to say rather than they actually mean. Advising someone else not to date a woman with kids = showing I'm so studly I wouldn't date a woman with kids. They all would though if they met the right one. Maybe with rare exception.

???

 

Men mean what we say. Theres a reason single moms in their 20s have a harder time dating than their childless counterparts. So I wouldnt falsely state that dudes are just blowing smoke and would be super willing to date the "right" single mom. Because usually kids are what prevents a woman from being "right" for a childless man.

 

Thats just the reality. Sure some dudes can accept it, but they are actually the rare exception. Not the reverse.

[gaius]

???

 

Men mean what we say. Theres a reason single moms in their 20s have a harder time dating than their childless counterparts. So I wouldnt falsely state that dudes are just blowing smoke and would be super willing to date the "right" single mom. Because usually kids are what prevents a woman from being "right" for a childless man.

 

Thats just the reality. Sure some dudes can accept it, but they are actually the rare exception. Not the reverse.

Honestly Kaylan I've never met a guy who wouldn't date a single mom at least for a little while just because she had kids. "Wow, that girl has an ass that won't quit, knows exactly how to talk to me but she has a kid so I'm not even going to have drinks with her". Doesn't happen, the penis wouldn't allow it. Maybe if some guys are on the fence anyway or don't know much about her they'll use that as an excuse to pass.

 

I've gotten into fights with guys before and made fun of them for dating a single mother but I'd probably date one if the right one came along.

[irc333]

Yeah, some would date a single mother, but marry them, probably not.

 

Casually date? Possibly. Seriously date (with a relationship in mind)? Nope.

 

As a man without kids, I dont want to get serious with a single mom and end up raising some other mans kids. Her and I can have some fun, but thats about it. I want to seriously date a woman who has not had children yet.

 

Mind you Im 27. For a childless individual, many of us view kids as baggage. Thats just reality. There are many things that can be considered as baggage that you bring into different relationships. Kids are just seen as one of those main forms of baggage because they are permanent.

 

But meh...sue me for not wanting to date a single mom seriously. Im still trying to enjoy my young and carefree days. The last thing I want to do is date a woman who doesnt have the same freedom I do. Im just not in that place in my life to date a woman with such a responsibility as kids.

[irc333]

Good points. I recall trying to date a woman but her Jr. High School kid's activities always seem to come first. When it was the father's turn to have the child, the child would actually want to stay with the mother for that weekend, because her mom's apartment complex had a pool, and she'd invite her school mates over for a pool swim.

 

So the mother was pretty much stuck supervising her kid's friends while they hung out at her place. Her child's social life pretty much interfered with her own mother's.

 

 

 

Lets not even try that "who says you have to be a parent" stuff. If the kid is young, and Im looking for a serious long term relationship or marriage, I will end up a step parent that helps raising the child. Lets be real here.

 

I dont wanna skip what I consider natural steps in the progression of a relationship. I want to have the fun care-free, no obligation stage. Then I want the serious committed, living together stage. Then the fun first year of marriage stage. THEN I want a kid after all of that. And this is all if I ever have the desire to have children, which Im still unsure of.

 

And regarding your point about free time. Sure parents can have free time, but never the same time of free time childless folks have. I want to be able to spontaneously tell a love interest to go away with me for the weekend to a nearby city. I want to be able to have sleepovers without having to worry about being caught having sex.

 

That kind of freedom is tough with kids.

[gaius]

There are a ton of women and even more men who make horrible parents and wouldn't hesitate a second to dump their kids off on someone else or just be generally neglectful if the right partner came along, so this whole thing about getting ignored for the kid isn't always true. Not by a longshot.

[isisisweeping]

I hear you. I really hate such replies

 

Stay away from this woman, she has a kid

 

stay away from this girl, she has male friends

 

stay away from this girl, she has issues!

 

Really Who doesn't have issues, problems, ...If you like this girl and she didn't hurt you ..Go get her with no excuses

 

U don't want me or anyone to tell you what to do and just go and get her!

 

 

It doesn't bother me if someone doesn't want to date a single mom.

 

It only bothers me if they try to push that on others or make untrue character judgments about single mothers knowing nothing else.

 

But, it's only an issue on the dregs of the internet. I have no lack of interest (for relationships) from dads or completely single men... And I'm hardly a high prize. Actually I hear often about me being such a fabulous mother is a plus. (I get complimented by friends and strangers so I don't think it's smoke up my arse.).

 

And mine is young and I have primary custody, as my ex husband wished. He gets visitation.

Edited April 2, 2014 by isisisweeping

[isisisweeping]

???

 

. Theres a reason single moms in their 20s have a harder time dating than their childless counterparts.

.

 

That reason is limited amount of free time.

If it's not, I'm a little scared how easy dating could possibly be.

[xxoo]

OP, do you really want to date a man you need to convince to tolerate your kid's existence?

 

The right guy won't be put off by the kid. Parenting > dating in importance any day.

[Standard-Fare]

Someone here nailed it when they said it's a maturity/life-stage thing. As you go through more life, you become more exposed to and accepting of all of its twists and complications -- including divorce and kids.

 

It's not "baggage," it's just ... real life.

 

It might be understandable for a sheltered 24-year-old to be turned off by these types of things and hope for some magical "clean slate." But as you get older/wiser you realize that a "clean slate" doesn't exist, and every single person comes with a complicated past.

 

If you're 30+ and trying to date, you're only hurting yourself by keeping your mind closed to these realities. It shows immaturity.

[central]

I dated women with children (and married one), but I had some criteria. Her children couldn't be more than a few years younger than mine, and custody had to be shared so we could have time alone.

 

Also, we had to be in agreement that neither of us wanted more children. (If I hadn't had children and wanted them, that would have been an alternate criterion.)

[Frogwife]

I am probably a little conservative in this area, but first off, a man (or woman) has a right to choose whatever type of relationship they want to get into. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to date a single parent. It is absolutely a personal choice and says nothing about "good" or "bad" character.

 

Assuming it turns into a serious relationship (e.g. marriage), it's a HUGE commitment to make, to take on someone else's child. Then if you have your own children together, you have "your" children and "his or her" child(ren) and it won't be the same relationship and the non-mutual child is going to feel differently.

 

If it doesn't turn into a serious relationship, you risk your child seeing a parade of dates coming and going in their parents' lives and attachment issues and confusion that that could bring for the child.

 

I was married to a man who had two children (aged 10 and 15 when we got married) - he was a part-time dad and it was really hard on his kids. I was a pretty lousy step-mother, something I regret in retrospect, of course. We were all competing for the father's attention, adjusting to our own new marriage and the poor kids were getting displaced (literally and figuratively) and not getting the parenting they needed and deserved. Of course, there are certainly success stories in dating and blended families, but it presents a lot of challenges where, often, the kids are the ones who end up suffering.

 

Not having been a single mom myself, I can only imagine that it would be hard to not have a significant other in my life while my kids were growing up, but I think people really forget the kids in this equation.

[Hello_is_it_me]

A lot of men (myself included) would prefer to raise their own children as opposed to someone else's children.

 

If you think that makes me a bad person, well, I'm okay with that.

 

Exactly. A child that is not your own is obvious BAGGAGE.

[xxoo]

Exactly. A child that is not your own is obvious BAGGAGE.

 

Others consider it a blessing. Those would be the the people the OP should date.

[RonaldS]

Someone here nailed it when they said it's a maturity/life-stage thing. As you go through more life, you become more exposed to and accepting of all of its twists and complications -- including divorce and kids.

 

It's not "baggage," it's just ... real life.

 

It might be understandable for a sheltered 24-year-old to be turned off by these types of things and hope for some magical "clean slate." But as you get older/wiser you realize that a "clean slate" doesn't exist, and every single person comes with a complicated past.

 

If you're 30+ and trying to date, you're only hurting yourself by keeping your mind closed to these realities. It shows immaturity.

 

I don't fully agree with this. I do agree partially, but it's also a generalization.

 

More than maturity and life-stage, it's a priority issue. To seriously date and form a relationship with not only a woman, but her kid(s), requires that they be given the appropriate emphasis in your life. The same could be said about simply having a relationship with a woman, but with any luck, a woman you date has enough emotional maturity to process and handle the relationship not working out.

 

Once you bring children into the equation, it's a whole other level of involvement and responsibility. Not in terms of being responsible for raising the child, but being responsible for your role and impact in a child's life, their feelings and abilities to process things. It's really not something you can half-ass....well, actually you can, you just shouldn't. Kids, particularly young kids, don't process things the same way as adults, so care needs to be given to their feelings and how you impact them.

 

I don't typically date women with kids because I know that I can't make that sort of commitment to her kid(s). Not because of my maturity or life-stage, but because of my awareness.

 

I have 3 young kids, so it's not like I don't get the perspectives of those who have children. Nor do I view kids as baggage. One reason I am not trying to form a relationship with another woman's kids is because I do have my own, and they get my undivided love. It's not that I couldn't, or am not mature enough to or am too selfish to have a relationship with another child. It's simply a choice based on me prioritizing my own kids and focusing on them.

 

Also, I do date. But I do NOT bring othe women around my kids or even mention other women to my kids. My kids have a mom, and I'm perfectly satisfied with their mom and am not trying to cloud the waters by bringing in another 'mom'. They have enough going on as it is with a potential new step-dad. No reason to add to it.

 

Of course, everything in life is tentative, and things could change. But my current stance is what it is, but it's not based on me. It's based on what's best for the kids....mine and hers.

[MsOptimist]

I am dating a single dad of 2 (both under 10) and I have no children of my own, and no plans to have children of my own.

 

After my divorce I knew that I didn't want to limit my dating pool to only men without children, but I had no idea what dating someone with kids meant. I didn't go looking for someone with kids, but I wasn't going to immediately reject the idea either.

 

The fact that he plays a huge role in their lives and is a wonderful dad makes me love him that much more. Seeing the love he has for his kids and how he interacts with him shows me his character.

 

He is also post-divorce and has said that he was a little more cautious about dating women with kids because it is hard to try to blend families. He feels he has enough on his plate to try to take on more, so I think he's kind of relieved that I don't have kids of my own. In the beginning he used to ask me often if I was sure that I was ok with him having kids.

 

He is looking for someone who is a good female role model for his kids (and yes, their mother is still present for 50% of the time with them). Yes, it's scary as hell for me having little experience with kids, but we're taking things slowly and are serious about this relationship steadily progressing.

 

So far so good, and I would never tell someone to stay away from someone just because they have kids, as long as both people are ok with the circumstances.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Others consider it a blessing. Those would be the the people the OP should date.

 

Some "baggage" can be a "blessing" in the right person's eyes, I agree. But to not call it baggage when entering a new relationship is disingenuous.

[stillafool]

 

Why should it be that I only date men who have children also? Do you have any idea how much more difficult it is to blend children from two different families?

 

 

I don't understand this statement. Isn't this the attitude you are complaining about from single men? What is wrong with women with kids dating men with kids? I would think there would be a high rate of compatibility and understanding between the two. I'm sorry Raena, but the above statement makes no sense to me.

[somedude81]

Honestly Kaylan I've never met a guy who wouldn't date a single mom at least for a little while just because she had kids. "Wow, that girl has an ass that won't quit, knows exactly how to talk to me but she has a kid so I'm not even going to have drinks with her". Doesn't happen, the penis wouldn't allow it. Maybe if some guys are on the fence anyway or don't know much about her they'll use that as an excuse to pass.

It doesn't seem like you're talking about dating. More like being casual with.

 

Would I date a woman with kids? No.

 

Would I have sex with a woman with kids? Yes. But it would only be a sexual thing.

[xxoo]

I don't understand this statement. Isn't this the attitude you are complaining about from single men? What is wrong with women with kids dating men with kids? I would think there would be a high rate of compatibility and understanding between the two. I'm sorry Raena, but the above statement makes no sense to me.

 

I agree.

 

Also, living life as a mom, who are you more likely to meet and interact with than other parents? I get hit on by a single dad every time I go to Monkey Joe's

[Hello_is_it_me]

It doesn't seem like you're talking about dating. More like being casual with.

 

Would I date a woman with kids? No.

 

Would I have sex with a woman with kids? Yes. But it would only be a sexual thing.

 

^The truth!

[readynow]

I'm a single mom and would never date a man who had no kids. Not because I want us to all play family but there is a kind of wisdom that having children gives you - that a man without kids could never have. Besides, I don't want him moaning about wanting 'one of his own' cos i'm done having kids.

 

In fact, I'd find it pretty hard dating a man with very young kids - so difficult merging families where the kids can't yet understand what's really going on.

 

I think it's pretty reasonable for a man without kids to want a woman without kids - they can do the whole 'new experience' thing together.

 

One thing though, there are many reasons people are single parents - divorce, deaths, mistakes etc so it's not really cool to judge why one person happened to become one.

 

To each his own.

[Mascara]

I've been on the other side of this. I was a single parent to children who are now adults. When they were young, I felt I was better suited to only date men with children, because they can better understand the constraints involved.

 

Once they were grown, I had no interest in men with young kids (and there are many in my age group - men who married at 30/35 and were now divorced with small children).

 

This is purely down to stages of life. I've been there and done that, with an eye on hitting 40 and having the freedom I missed out on as a 20-something. There's no way I'm going back to those years.

 

This does seem to annoy a lot of men I could have dated. These were the same men who wouldn't have been interested in me at 30, because my young children didn't fit their lifestyle. And I totally understand that, and agree with them. But now I'm saying the same thing, for the same reasons.