mtnbiker3000 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I will never understand why my ex did what he did. There will never be an answer for the cruelty. It's just something I will have to learn to live with. I think in their minds, they really were not doing anything wrong, or cruel or intentional. At least in my situation, I think we just saw the RS from 2 totally different angles. Unfortunately for me, I was in a much more dangerous place. I was heavily invested and committed, but she was just along for the ride. Knowing she could bail safely at any time. Should she have been more straightforward with me, especially after I proposed to her? Perhaps... I think I am more concerned with why I was in the spot I ended up in. It's like, yeah, she wasn't committed. Fine. Why did I stick around? Why did I continue to invest? Why was I terrified of losing her? Obviously major self-esteem and boundary issues... 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 NOTHING in life is permanent, much less relationships. And attaching your emotions and making your happiness dependent on another person, place or thing will always... always.. lead to pain. I'm learning to detach, and for future relationships, learning how to set boundaries. I think we can embrace love to the max without fear, but only if we believe and love ourselves. Your only source of emotional peace is you. If you want peace and joy in your life... stop projecting the past and your ex. Look in the mirror. That is where it begins. Google everything you can about detaching, attachment, letting go, etc. There are several great books... but I can't tell you how much better I feel by learning more about myself and why I used to attach my happiness to relationships. Learning this is THE secret to peace. This is so true, yet so difficult to completely understand, accept and apply. So many years of conditioning and living the opposite. Know what I need to do, just unsure of how to do it... It's like looking at Mt Everest and saying... "all I need to do is climb it..." 3
Author freebird31 Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 It's like looking at Mt Everest and saying... "all I need to do is climb it..." This. Exactly how I feel 1
Author freebird31 Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 Do any of You guys ever just feel mentally/emotionally tired coping with this..? I guess I've just been coping with this for so long now. How Are you guys doing it? I guess it has been hard for me bc I not only lost my ex, but also my best girl friend of 7 years at the same time. We just aren't close anymore and saw her true colors. The only People I have and know I can trust and support me is my family. This past year has been rough. can't wait to see the light at the end if the tunnel already.
BC1980 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Do any of You guys ever just feel mentally/emotionally tired coping with this..? I guess I've just been coping with this for so long now. How Are you guys doing it? I guess it has been hard for me bc I not only lost my ex, but also my best girl friend of 7 years at the same time. We just aren't close anymore and saw her true colors. The only People I have and know I can trust and support me is my family. This past year has been rough. can't wait to see the light at the end if the tunnel already. I feel like I'm trudging through it right now. I'm really only 4 months NC, almost 5 even though the breakup was nearly a year ago. People expect you to be over it by now, so I've used to all my talk time with parents and friends. I can logically think thinks through, realize I'm better off without him, resolve to move on, ect. It doesn't seem to translate to real life. I'm sad quite often, and I miss our life together. I just want it to stop.
BC1980 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 I think in their minds, they really were not doing anything wrong, or cruel or intentional. At least in my situation, I think we just saw the RS from 2 totally different angles. Unfortunately for me, I was in a much more dangerous place. I was heavily invested and committed, but she was just along for the ride. Knowing she could bail safely at any time. Should she have been more straightforward with me, especially after I proposed to her? Perhaps... I think I am more concerned with why I was in the spot I ended up in. It's like, yeah, she wasn't committed. Fine. Why did I stick around? Why did I continue to invest? Why was I terrified of losing her? Obviously major self-esteem and boundary issues... I think that's been difficult for me. Having to take the blame for having no boundaries when he was clearly not reliable and on the fence. I saw all of that and kept writing it off. Yes, he should have been more honest, but we can't count on people for that. Maybe I keep wanting to paint this picture of a perfect relationship that didn't exist. Maybe I can't let go of that. 2
Itspointless Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 (edited) I think in their minds, they really were not doing anything wrong, or cruel or intentional. At least in my situation, I think we just saw the RS from 2 totally different angles. Unfortunately for me, I was in a much more dangerous place. I was heavily invested and committed, but she was just along for the ride. Knowing she could bail safely at any time. Should she have been more straightforward with me, especially after I proposed to her? Perhaps... I think I am more concerned with why I was in the spot I ended up in. It's like, yeah, she wasn't committed. Fine. Why did I stick around? Why did I continue to invest? Why was I terrified of losing her? Obviously major self-esteem and boundary issues... I think that's been difficult for me. Having to take the blame for having no boundaries when he was clearly not reliable and on the fence. I saw all of that and kept writing it off. Yes, he should have been more honest, but we can't count on people for that. Maybe I keep wanting to paint this picture of a perfect relationship that didn't exist. Maybe I can't let go of that. Sometimes we forget that chosing for being related has not so much to do with a logical decision, but instead with chemical dependence. You can know that someone is wrong for you but still be highly addicted to the chemicals they make you produce. When my ex broke up due to circumstances I flew to her (the flight was already planned for weeks). That weekend I felt that I almost was feeling happy being near her. It seemed like in a way as I already had accepted the situation. But I knew that my mind and body fooled me. It is the same mechanism that is at play with abused people who keep returning to their abusers. The break-up added a mental distance and even more physical distance to a already physical distance that was bearable most of the time. Edited April 5, 2014 by Itspointless 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 I can logically think thinks through, realize I'm better off without him, resolve to move on, ect. It doesn't seem to translate to real life. I'm sad quite often, and I miss our life together. I just want it to stop. I think the only, truly, way past this... is with someone new. New memories. New experiences. A new life together with someone else.
Author freebird31 Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 I think the only, truly, way past this... is with someone new. New memories. New experiences. A new life together with someone else. I was the happiest I had ever experienced myself to be. That's what makes it so hard. The relationship gave me such a high. Someone new would definitely be the last resort but after a lot more time than this. I guess this type of situation is inevitable though who's to say it won't happen again with the next person. I wish there was a sort of strategy to get through this w/o having to rely on moving on to another and risking get hurt again:/ I guess it just takes time and patience...
Author freebird31 Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 I do wonder, not that it matters, if they are going through a similar grieving process as us. But probably not because we were a lot more invested in the relationship.
Salvatore85 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 It's been a little over a year for me as well and I haven't gotten over it. I spent 5 years with my ex and I'm completely embarrassed that I still have major feelings for her. I've done NC and just about every other step but I still have a rough time with it and I've just come to accept it. The reality is sometimes someone really just means more than everyone else. They leave and take a part of you with them. It's not a matter of meeting someone else and it's suddenly better or time healing your wounds, just something you have to deal with.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I was the happiest I had ever experienced myself to be. That's what makes it so hard. The relationship gave me such a high. Someone new would definitely be the last resort but after a lot more time than this. I guess this type of situation is inevitable though who's to say it won't happen again with the next person. I wish there was a sort of strategy to get through this w/o having to rely on moving on to another and risking get hurt again:/ I guess it just takes time and patience... Even though I suggest creating new memories, etc with someone else, the real way to avoid this kind of hurt is to NOT put your happiness, etc into someone else's hands. This is hard to do. Especially for those of us who suffer from self-esteem and boundary issues. 1
BC1980 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I do wonder, not that it matters, if they are going through a similar grieving process as us. But probably not because we were a lot more invested in the relationship. I've wondered that too, but it's pointless. I sometimes wish so much hurt and pain on him that I'm ashamed of myself.
Tayla Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Grieving a relationship loss that was valued and tender can take the time it does. There is no set time frame. Stay away from the folks who say "get over it by now", they have little heart. Instead, grieve it. I say this because I had a profound friendship when I was 14, and thru out those years, My friend and I were as close as sisters. Now at the ripe age of 50, She and I crossed paths, and thru it all....a revelation came thru that I once and for all need to let go of what our friendship meant to myself. Not to her, but how it affacted my life. I let that concept go...with love. No, replacing someone is not the answer. Grieve , gain peace. we, in essence are grieving the person we were when we were with them. Its life transforming. take it as an opportunity to shed your past, while embracing the wisdom and memories that can be savored. 2
Author freebird31 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) I always thought letting go meant when you finally stopped thinking about the person, when you no longer missed the person. But I guess letting go just means accepting what's over and dealing with the emotions of loss. I guess we just find a way to cope with it everyday as time diminishes it. And life fills us with other things. I agree with Tayla it takes time. They did take a part of us with them . We just have to deal with it even if it's on a daily basis. We just keep going. You also must accept the person we have become. We must accept that this is who we are now. We won't feel pain this heavy forever or feel the loss so heavy. In time it will fade more and more. But I think part of it is accepting that we lost a part of ourselves and will always have the scar. The scar will forever be there. I think we must first accept that in order to deal with it and live with it. Edited April 6, 2014 by freebird31 1
Itspointless Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 They did take a part of us with them . We just have to deal with it even if it's on a daily basis. We just keep going. You also must accept the person we have become. We must accept that this is who we are now. We won't feel pain this heavy forever or feel the loss so heavy. In time it will fade more and more. But I think part of it is accepting that we lost a part of ourselves and will always have the scar. The scar will forever be there. I think we must first accept that in order to deal with it and live with it. This is in part true. But they did not take a part of us with them. They were part of the idea we formed about who we were at that moment in time. Identity is not a fixed concept but constantly evolving and changing. Now these people form a part of our history. This means - next to loosing the psychological connection - their role has changed in our narrative and with the changing of that our narrative our identity itself has taken another form. In other words there are different elements to come to terms with.
BC1980 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 I always thought letting go meant when you finally stopped thinking about the person, when you no longer missed the person. But I guess letting go just means accepting what's over and dealing with the emotions of loss. I guess we just find a way to cope with it everyday as time diminishes it. And life fills us with other things. I agree with Tayla it takes time. They did take a part of us with them . We just have to deal with it even if it's on a daily basis. We just keep going. You also must accept the person we have become. We must accept that this is who we are now. We won't feel pain this heavy forever or feel the loss so heavy. In time it will fade more and more. But I think part of it is accepting that we lost a part of ourselves and will always have the scar. The scar will forever be there. I think we must first accept that in order to deal with it and live with it. I don't think you ever forget the person or stop thinking about them. I think they just become less relevant to your everyday life. I remember really resisting that for a long time. I resisted letting go of the memories and creating a life without relevance to him because it scared me so much. It was me actively letting go, and it hurt like crazy. That pain killed me, but the reality was that he had already let go. So what was I holding onto the memories for? One of the books I read says that the final stage of grief is integrating the experience into your new life. It is always a part of you, but you are able to look back, see it for what it was, and move forward. My ex's first wife died, and I once asked him how he was able to get over that. He said something similar about accepting that as part of his past that he could not change. He said it always hurt, but it wasn't so fresh. It didn't bring him to tears to see a picture of her like it would have a few months after her death. Her father, on the other hand, still refuses to even look at a picture of her or travel anymore due to her death. That's dysfunctional grieving. It's like he wants to blot out that she even existed because it's too painful for him. I get that because it was almost too painful for me to go through the initial stages of grief. I thought I literally might die of sadness. It seems dramatic, but I think that many people do block those feelings out. It's important to feel them for however long they take and work through them. Ugh. The entire thing is debilitating, but I believe that I can get to the other side one day. 2
Author freebird31 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 I don't think you ever forget the person or stop thinking about them. I think they just become less relevant to your everyday life. I remember really resisting that for a long time. I resisted letting go of the memories and creating a life without relevance to him because it scared me so much. It was me actively letting go, and it hurt like crazy. That pain killed me, but the reality was that he had already let go. So what was I holding onto the memories for? One of the books I read says that the final stage of grief is integrating the experience into your new life. It is always a part of you, but you are able to look back, see it for what it was, and move forward. My ex's first wife died, and I once asked him how he was able to get over that. He said something similar about accepting that as part of his past that he could not change. He said it always hurt, but it wasn't so fresh. It didn't bring him to tears to see a picture of her like it would have a few months after her death. Her father, on the other hand, still refuses to even look at a picture of her or travel anymore due to her death. That's dysfunctional grieving. It's like he wants to blot out that she even existed because it's too painful for him. I get that because it was almost too painful for me to go through the initial stages of grief. I thought I literally might die of sadness. It seems dramatic, but I think that many people do block those feelings out. It's important to feel them for however long they take and work through them. Ugh. The entire thing is debilitating, but I believe that I can get to the other side one day. What book was this? And we will get to the other side. As long as we grieve actively and functionally, we are going to get through this. It's good we are feeling it heavy right now. That means we are healthy functioning beings. And it won't be like this forever. There will always be the scar where we were hurt, always. But after time goes by it won't hurt as much. It's only been a year for me, prett much like 7 months actually bc that's really when we last spoke. Things are still fresh for all of us! I bet if we examined ourselves in another year we will be in a better place. These things take time.
BC1980 Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 What book was this? And we will get to the other side. As long as we grieve actively and functionally, we are going to get through this. It's good we are feeling it heavy right now. That means we are healthy functioning beings. And it won't be like this forever. There will always be the scar where we were hurt, always. But after time goes by it won't hurt as much. It's only been a year for me, prett much like 7 months actually bc that's really when we last spoke. Things are still fresh for all of us! I bet if we examined ourselves in another year we will be in a better place. These things take time. The book is called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot.
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