ugh. 1 year post BU

[freebird31]

DOES ANYONE OUT THERE RELATE?

 

Me and my ex dated for around 8-9 months.

We have been broken up for a YEAR now.

 

What we shared was really special. We had a great connection. I look back and like even more that he was also his independent person and also made time for me too....(until the last month when we broke up of course) He met my family, they loved eachother. I could be my complete 100% self around him, and he made me feel like he loved all the different sides of me. likewise for him.

In one of our last conversations about 7 mo's ago, he told me he still was attracted to me.

 

Anyway to this day, I just cant help but FEEL he still cares. Maybe it was with thse last words, that left me hanging. IDK. but i just FEEL that we had something really special. I just feel that he still cares about me the same. Maybe its bc i havent seen actual proof of him moving on to another. I just dont think he will find anything as special as what we shared. I dont honestly think he will get that lucky.

 

its been so long now. a year since BU, and 7 months NC. whats wrong with me. Is this really something I should seek counseling for?

 

Backstory Link added by moderation:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/468155-so-many-questions-even-after-year

Edited April 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LadyM]

Freebird.....I have read many of your posts and can completely relate to pretty much everything you say and feel. It has also been over a year for me and I am shocked and embarrassed that this BU is so hard for me to recover from. I have never experienced anything like this before and I'm quite a bit older than yourself.

 

I understand your feeling that somehow, you just know that he still has feelings for you. Most would say we are just projecting our own feelings on to them, and that is likely so. Many would say, if they indeed do still have strong feelings for us, then they would be with us. It makes perfect sense, it is the truth, yet my heart rejects the logic.

 

I think we have been in the denial phase for way too long, not that I know how to move on from it. My feeling is that after so much time having passed, that if someone wonderful would fall into our lives, I think that could help us move on. I know we are "supposed" to feel oh so great and happy on our own, but I never did. I have always been happier sharing life with a partner. Much happier. And just kind of going through the motions in between partners.

 

You're so fortunate that free counseling is offered at your school. I would strongly encourage you to take advantage of such a luxury. Maybe the therapist will have some words of wisdom which will resonate with you to help you move on.

 

BC1980 has recommended a book by Susan Elliott. I have it here, amongst many other break-up books and I think they help. But for me, I think I need to be reading them more often, otherwise I "forget" the help they provide. But sometimes I am so disgusted and tired of feeling like this, that the last thing I want to do is read about the topic.

 

Everyone says that it just takes time to heal. I'd like to believe them, but by this point, I have my serious doubts.

[JDPT]

You are stuck in time. And continue to reinforce the past. Start by knocking your ex off that pedestal. You continue to address the past as "special" yes we all had something "special" but it's now part of history and allow it to forever remain there as you move forward with your life.

Edited April 3, 2014 by JDPT

[mtnbiker3000]

Also 1 year post BU/NC. Sometimes it just takes longer. That's all...

 

Keep doin' what you need to do. All will work out in the end!!

[freebird31]

I just feel sick and trapped. I honestly think it would be easier knowing and seeing him move on to someone else. He told me he still had feelings and he still was attracted to me. I absolutely hate that he said this. I hate that he hasn't moved on to someone else yet. I just NEED I NEED for him to just move on to someone else I need that so bad. He left me hanging on this string. I don't know how to move on. How are you supposed to let go and move on when you just FEEL like it's time that the other person needs . I just am so desperate and tired!! I just want him to move on :/ I mean I think. Okay I know it will hurt seeing that but maybe it's better than being stuck in this limbo.

[freebird31]

Any of

You!

Tell me, if someone left you even the slightest hope of them perhaps wanting to be with you again later at another time, how would you really let go!! Some of You guys make it sound so easy. Maybe it's different if he would have cheated on me or left me for someone else or his feelings changed. HOW do you let go of someone you deeply cared for, and just give up after they left

You these signs that they are clearly still crazy about you too. I know he is crazy about me THATS what makes this hard. Knowing that we still have feings for each other but he doesn't want a relationship. I'm just afraid to let go because I think and feel he's going to come back and to be honest I don't know how to let go.

[Arieswoman]

All,

I would recommend this book ;-

 

"It's called a break-up because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt.

[freebird31]

You are stuck in time. And continue to reinforce the past. Start by knocking your ex off that pedestal. You continue to address the past as "special" yes we all had something "special" but it's now part of history and allow it to forever remain there as you move forward with your life.

 

I understand. It's history, yes. It's over. It's done. The difference between my situation and a lot of others is that my ex left me hanging. As I mentioned above, it was clear that he still cared about me and felt

The same about me even after the break up. He didn't leave me for some ken else. Our ending is blurred. It's not really an ending. He just left me hanging like this. He hasn't moved on yet or gotten serious with anyone else. How the heck am I supposed to accept that it's over when I know the feelings between us are still there. When it's clear he hasn't moved on to someone else get either. I don't think anyone understands this frustration. I bet you it hurts so much to be left for someone else and I am thankful I did not

Have to feel that pain. But this is has been long and agonizing, perhaps even worse. At least for those who went through that, the bandaid got pulled right off for them. It was for sure over. I'm stuck in this ridiculous limbo. Because he left me hanging and I don't know which ones worst at this point.

[StringsAttached]

Your ex broke up with you on April Fools?

[hea]

i can relate.

 

 

My ex split up with me, by telling me the spark had gone. We had been together for nearly three years. After he split up with me he kept contacting me telling me he loved me, didn't understand why we didn't work, missed me, had a life planned for us. And yet never wanted to come back. (anymore info, you might want to read my posts)

 

 

Its been over six months now and I do feel better not speaking to him anymore.

 

 

At the end of the day, if they wanted to be with you they would be. And that's all you've got to think, because its true. Everyone on here had a connection with their ex, and think it was the best thing ever. But that's your feelings not his. Try and look for someone new. As soon as you do, and you feel for him (ie not just any guy) he will fade into the background.

[Omei]

No matter how much hope my ex gave me with comments like I miss you sometimes, you're still beautiful..on and on...one thing was always the same he left he wouldn't take me back and he walked out and gave up on us after five years.

 

You ask how do you let go? By not trying for someone who didnt care enough about you to work it through and it took months of rejection for me to get there.

[LadyM]

My ex did leave me for another woman. He as much as told me he couldn't ignore this opportunity that fell into his lap. She has the same prestigious career as him and she comes from a family of incredible wealth and fame. He always had craved to live a life in the limelight and she could easily provide that for him with her connections.

 

My ex still cared for me, my ex tried hard to remain in contact with me, my ex made it clear he was still attracted to me. But in the end, does any of that matter? No, because they made a choice to not be with us. For whatever their reasons.

 

You claim your ex is leaving you hanging. He's not. It doesn't matter what his words are, he's gone. His caring words to you were to let you down gently. To ease his guilt. His actions say it all. He probably still does have feelings for you, but they are not strong enough to want to be with you.

 

When a man is deeply in love with a woman, and it is a mature, stable love, nothing could keep him away.

[JDPT]

I understand. It's history, yes. It's over. It's done. The difference between my situation and a lot of others is that my ex left me hanging. As I mentioned above, it was clear that he still cared about me and felt

The same about me even after the break up. He didn't leave me for some ken else. Our ending is blurred. It's not really an ending. He just left me hanging like this. He hasn't moved on yet or gotten serious with anyone else. How the heck am I supposed to accept that it's over when I know the feelings between us are still there. When it's clear he hasn't moved on to someone else get either. I don't think anyone understands this frustration. I bet you it hurts so much to be left for someone else and I am thankful I did not

Have to feel that pain. But this is has been long and agonizing, perhaps even worse. At least for those who went through that, the bandaid got pulled right off for them. It was for sure over. I'm stuck in this ridiculous limbo. Because he left me hanging and I don't know which ones worst at this point.

 

Hey guess what? My ex left me hanging, poof, gone, best disappearing act and no it wasn't for anyone else either. No closure (not that it exists). What I'm trying to say is that you should learn to relate rather than compare and you will see that your relationship was as "unique" as you thought. You hate to admit that you cherish the past so dearly to the point that it interferes with your future, running in place going nowhere fast. Accept reality for what it is and do not attempt to rationalize the irrational. As you stated, he got up and left, evidently he wasn't happy in the relationship, internalize that fact and come to terms with it. I too needed answers, I too thought we could work it out, why would she just leave? But in time I came to realize that I was now on my own and if I wanted to survive and I had to get up, dust it off and power through the most difficult moments I've been through. You will soon understand that living in the past does not pay, and you've spent too long suffering. It's time to start enjoying life once again.

[mtnbiker3000]

Any of

You!

Tell me, if someone left you even the slightest hope of them perhaps wanting to be with you again later at another time, how would you really let go!! Some of You guys make it sound so easy. Maybe it's different if he would have cheated on me or left me for someone else or his feelings changed. HOW do you let go of someone you deeply cared for, and just give up after they left

You these signs that they are clearly still crazy about you too. I know he is crazy about me THATS what makes this hard. Knowing that we still have feings for each other but he doesn't want a relationship. I'm just afraid to let go because I think and feel he's going to come back and to be honest I don't know how to let go.

 

He really didn't give you hope. He said some things to ease his own guilt, let you down easy and make himself feel like less of a jerk. Or maybe he didn't. Maybe you are projecting all of this.

 

There is one simple fact that hopefully will allow you to start moving past this. If he wanted to be with you, he WOULD be with you. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't dream of letting you go. Of letting you find someone else... Bottom line: He DOESN'T want to be with you. Now or in the future!!

[freebird31]

He really didn't give you hope. He said some things to ease his own guilt, let you down easy and make himself feel like less of a jerk. Or maybe he didn't. Maybe you are projecting all of this.

 

There is one simple fact that hopefully will allow you to start moving past this. If he wanted to be with you, he WOULD be with you. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't dream of letting you go. Of letting you find someone else... Bottom line: He DOESN'T want to be with you. Now or in the future!!

 

I totaly get that. Maybe he did try to let me down easy maybe he might have said things to ease his guilt. But no matter how many times i try to accept this so i can come to terms with it, IT DOESNT add up to me. I think i would know if somene was trying to let me down easy, and if he was BELIEVE me I would accept that and move on. But he clearly told me he still had love for me. The fact is he hasnt moved on yet himself to anyone either. No matter what anyone tells me, nothing can shake this deep belief that he still has major feelings for me. I agree with JDPT, that everyone thinks their own relationship was unique and special to them and you know maybe I am so caught up idolizing this relationship. And thats not healthy, i definitely can admit that i have a problem. I just simply think their are things beyond reasoning. There is no white and black with this. Its not a-- He-doesnt-love-me or a he-does-love-me type of thing. Theres a grey area that he fits nicely into. Its not a definite or indefinite type of thing that everyone keeps implying that it is.

 

The only real facts are that: He broke up with me. He doesnt want a relationship with anyone right now. He stated he still has love for me. He contacted me numerous times after the breakup. He is 22. I am 22. We are young. I dont know what i want sometimes. And perhaps, he doesnt either.

 

I cant say that he does or does not love me. I can agree he does NOT want to be with me right now, hence the BU. But i cannot agree and say we may not want to be together in the future. That part is indefinite. That part is grey. That part you, me, anyone, and maybe even him dont even know right now.

 

I have a problem with letting go. I have a problem. I totally admit this! Its been a really long time now. I have a problem and hard time coping with this, this last year. I suck at letting this go. But i just truly believe in my heart, no matter how crazy this sounds, that he does still deeply care about me. Of course youre right, as well as LadyM and JDPT that if they wanted to be with us they would be with us. But just because you do not want a relationship at the moment, is that implying a direction association of just not loving the person. What if you just have so much going on right now?! What if you just want to be 22 and live?! I GET THAT. Just because you break things off with someone, doesnt have to mean 100% of the time that you dont love the person or think of a future with them.

 

I know you guys think and say that maybe I am projecting my own feelings or holding out false hope. Maybe youre right ! But i stand by what I believe in. And the ONLY fact I KNOW that can push me to the right direction is that he doesnt want to be with me currently. He broke up with me. And does not want to be with me right now.

 

Thats it. I guess time will only tell if im a withering fool, or if i was right in my instincts.

 

But for NOW, i need to MOVE ON despite believing and/or knowing all of this ^^^ that i mentioned. Despite the possibilities that there MIGHT be a future for us. Thats MY problem. I need to find some type of way to LET GO and move on!! Even if it feels permanent, i cant let these possibilities inhibit me anymore. Thats what im trying to WORK on.

[mtnbiker3000]

Well, sounds like you know what is going on, yet still unwilling to accept it. That's a rough spot. Only you will move on when you are ready. I truly hope you don't spend too much longer in limbo hell. Cause that's just what it is... hell!!!

[freebird31]

Well, sounds like you know what is going on, yet still unwilling to accept it. That's a rough spot. Only you will move on when you are ready. I truly hope you don't spend too much longer in limbo hell. Cause that's just what it is... hell!!!

 

Ok well thanks for trying to help me. I think I sound crazy. I def am going to try counseling when I go back to school next week.

[BC1980]

I can rationalize, in my head, what the reality was. My ex was just not going to commit, and he showed me in a thousand ways. My heart refuses to comprehend it. I'm at a loss like the rest of you.

 

I will never understand why my ex did what he did. There will never be an answer for the cruelty. It's just something I will have to learn to live with.

[freebird31]

I can rationalize, in my head, what the reality was. My ex was just not going to commit, and he showed me in a thousand ways. My heart refuses to comprehend it. I'm at a loss like the rest of you.

 

I will never understand why my ex did what he did. There will never be an answer for the cruelty. It's just something I will have to learn to live with.

 

I can rationalize the reality as well. And i think thats whay my problem is too, i need to let go even if theres any possibility of my ex still having feelings. Thats the part im trying really hard to work on. Letting go. I guess, it doesnt matter what situation you are in, whether your ex left you for someone else or if your ex just didnt want to commit, or maybe it if your ex (like mine) does not want a relationship atm. It doesnt matter what the reason is, we are all facing the same situation of letting go. I am having a really hard time letting go still. I dont know how to. I think i rationalized this enough to the point where I do believe I have everything possibly figured out (or not). But rationalizing doesnt help anything I have learned. I could have all the the facts layed out in front of me, but at the end of the day the bottom line is that he doesnt want to be with me right now. And right-now is really important to me, and to us all, and i just have to figure out a way to wiggle my way through this and just finally let go for my health and sanity. for the person i am right now. Maybe it will take a little more time... or new life experiences. I have no idea how to let go of someone! I really have no clue. Maybe we never really let go, maybe what letting-go to us is just finding a way to cope with the pain and the loss until time diminishes the memory of them.

[freebird31]

I guess i figured out what most of you have been trying to say to me. That i shouldnt rationalize the irrational. in the end, even if i have ALL the answers. Even if (hypothetically) my ex had told me he may want a future with me, none of that matters. What matters is RIGHT NOW. what am i supposed to, wait for him? of course not. I have to move on. life is too short. Even if i have all the answers to, it doesnt matter because he doesnt want to be with me in the end. I have to let go now. I figured it out. My strategy is to just continue to live my life in hopes that time with diminish the pain. I will fulfill my life with other people and other oppurtunities for self-growth and new experiences. Thats all we can really do right? Theres no magic pill we can take that makes us get over someone we loved. You just keep on keeping on. Thats the only thing i can do. I am done rationalizing this. Perhaps he does still have feelings for me. Perhaps he does want a future with me, BUT IT DOESNT MATTER RIGHt NOW. i cant wait for him and obsess why, why why. Because one simple fact remains; HE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH ME right now. hopefully in time, i will be healed and less dependent on people.

[Itspointless]

Even if he does come back, are you still the same person as when you were with him? And can you forget this last year?

[freebird31]

Even if he does come back, are you still the same person as when you were with him? And can you forget this last year?

 

I've thought about this before. TBH, I do not think I am the same person. I came into this relationship 2 years ago.. and was so idealistic about what love is and what a relationship would be. I was stuck in this fairy tale that we were going to last forever. Now 2 years later, after the relationship and the breakup and this experience I'm different now. I'm not the same person whatsoever. Maybe I have already outgrown him..idk. I do feel a lot more mature and wiser (obviously not wise enough bc I still am figuring this out) but hopefully he has too...I can't say. But I do know I'm different now. I mean I'm still the same person when it comes to my values, and my personality I think. But the way I view things now is different. And I'm no longer as weak as I used to be I'm a lot stronger. Overall, I have grown immensely. Maybe I have even already outgrown him. Idk.

 

As for forgetting the last year, I am a really forgiving person. So yes, I can forgive and forget. That part comes easy for me.

Edited April 4, 2014 by freebird31

[freebird31]

That's a good question.

[skydiveaddict]

DOES ANYONE OUT THERE RELATE?

 

 

yes I do

[flightplan]

Interesting thread in that it's a great example of attachment. I can relate to the OP because I'm just over 4 months NC and I've struggled. But the one and only thing that seems to help me move on is learning to surrender and release my attachment.

 

NOTHING in life is permanent, much less relationships. And attaching your emotions and making your happiness dependent on another person, place or thing will always... always.. lead to pain.

 

I'm learning to detach, and for future relationships, learning how to set boundaries. I think we can embrace love to the max without fear, but only if we believe and love ourselves. Your only source of emotional peace is you.

 

If you want peace and joy in your life... stop projecting the past and your ex. Look in the mirror. That is where it begins. Google everything you can about detaching, attachment, letting go, etc. There are several great books... but I can't tell you how much better I feel by learning more about myself and why I used to attach my happiness to relationships. Learning this is THE secret to peace.

 

I have a better understanding of why I was attracted to my ex. I was dumped for religious reasons.. I don't believe in a devil or satan and that went against her beliefs. (Irony be thy name.. dumped for not believing in the devil? Not believing in God would've been easier to digest, but I digress).

 

But the point is, I'm learning to let go, surrender to the flow of life, look within and know my joy is inside me...and doesn't depend on anyone else. Joy doesn't come from defining and placing controls on people or notions about how I think my life should be. I no longer force my personal will on reality. I can fully love because I let go of control and let God. I needed to learn to let go of attachment... to trust something greater than myself, which allowed me to deepen my trust in God/Universe that something greater lies ahead. Hang in there!