matt29 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Hi all, I'll try to keep this as simple as possible. one and a half years ago my fiancé of 7 years left me suddenly for a man that she worked with. Haven't heard from her since, I also lost my house and dogs. It took me a while and was hard but I moved on. 8 months later I met the most beautiful woman and have been seeing her ever since. I think she is the most honest person I have met. But it hasn't been straight forward, I've had to work hard to make sure I can trust her (due to my break up) and I feel as though I haven't put a foot wrong and she knows that I trust her and she trusts me. We both feel as though we've never met anyone that we can talk to so openly about everything. She's got her own issues which have caused her to hold back. I won't go into to much detail but one is an intimacy issue due to an old relationship of hers, this I have been understanding about and also helping her work through it, another issue is that she feels responsible for her mums happiness ever since her father left. She lives with her mum and still sometimes chooses to spend the weekend with her (even though she tells me she'd rather be with me) just because she doesn't want her mum sitting at home alone. She also says that her mum encourages her to spend that time with me but she feels bad. I've also been very understanding with this, trying to help her and not to pull her away from her mum to be with me. It's starting to take its toll though. Between the lack of intimacy and not seeing her as much as I'd like to. When we are together we have the most incredible time!! She's said to me a few times 'we should run away together because when it's just us is when we have the best time' she's trying to pull away from her mum but is finding it really hard. On top off all of this she has just found out recently that she might lose her job and is considering going back to study, also wants to move out of home and travel. She has so much going on in her life and is obviously very confused. This has caused her to ask me for 2 weeks apart. She says it's not a break up and she still considers me her boyfriend but just needs time to calm her mind and think about everything that's going on in her life at the moment. She said that she knows that she'll miss me and hopes that this time will help her realise how much she wants to be with me and may help our relationship become better. It's only been two days and I've gone no contact. 4 hours after we decided this she liked some pictures of mine that I'd uploaded onto Facebook 2 weeks ago which makes me think she was obviously stalking my page. My question is.. Do I just be myself, letting her know that I miss her etc etc. or stay no contact? I can't help but think the worst, after this two weeks she'll feel less pressure because I haven't been around and she doesn't have to worry about addressing her issues when I'm not there. When I'm in her life she needs to address them and maybe she's not ready to? Opinions on this situation would be much appreciated. Thanks you!!
mangetout Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 You need to respect her space and go NC. Don't pursue her or make any form of contact for two weeks. . People generally want space because they are confused. If she doesn't want a relationship with you afterwards then this is what she really wants. Fingers crossed for you 1
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Okay, well. I'll be honest with you. I don't get a cheating vibe at all. So, that's good. I do get the vibe that you are putting some pressure on her to chose between time with you and taking care of her mother. Also, get a vibe that you are overly protective of this relationship due to what happened in your last. So, perhaps you need to tone it down and trust her. Again, I'm not feeling a cheating vibe here and I speculate that you don't either. So, let her have this time. And when the two weeks are up, then you two really need to talk. Openly and candidly. Get it all out there. This is where you need to compromise. Do not make her feel guilty because she has a sense of obligation to take care of her mother because that won't change. Therefore, you need to compromise on that. Find a happy median where she spends and equal amount of time with you and her mother. Take the pressure off and come to an understanding. If she's getting the travel bug, then a weekend that is dedicated to you, the whisk her away for a getaway weekend somewhere new for the both of you. Share that time together. You might want to suggest couples counseling. Tell her that you want this to teach the both of you how to communicate better with each other. But, in counseling the subject of intimacy always gets brought up. Therefore, you might be able to solve your intimacy problem together through counseling. If you told her that she needs to seek individual counseling to address her intimacy issues then she might take offense to that think that she needs professional help. Point of all of this is you need to take the pressure off before it all explodes in your face.
Author matt29 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Okay, well. I'll be honest with you. I don't get a cheating vibe at all. So, that's good. I do get the vibe that you are putting some pressure on her to chose between time with you and taking care of her mother. Also, get a vibe that you are overly protective of this relationship due to what happened in your last. So, perhaps you need to tone it down and trust her. Again, I'm not feeling a cheating vibe here and I speculate that you don't either. So, let her have this time. And when the two weeks are up, then you two really need to talk. Openly and candidly. Get it all out there. This is where you need to compromise. Do not make her feel guilty because she has a sense of obligation to take care of her mother because that won't change. Therefore, you need to compromise on that. Find a happy median where she spends and equal amount of time with you and her mother. Take the pressure off and come to an understanding. If she's getting the travel bug, then a weekend that is dedicated to you, the whisk her away for a getaway weekend somewhere new for the both of you. Share that time together. You might want to suggest couples counseling. Tell her that you want this to teach the both of you how to communicate better with each other. But, in counseling the subject of intimacy always gets brought up. Therefore, you might be able to solve your intimacy problem together through counseling. If you told her that she needs to seek individual counseling to address her intimacy issues then she might take offense to that think that she needs professional help. Point of all of this is you need to take the pressure off before it all explodes in your face. Thanks for your input! I agree with most things you have said, I am over protective and am aware of it. It's something I am working on in trying to relax and knowing that if I was able to get through my last breakup I should be able to get through any. I have not once made her feel pressure in regards to choosing spending time with me or her mother. In this situation I tell her to choose based on what will make her most happy. Sometimes that is me and sometimes that is her mother, which I am fine with because I understand her position and want to be able to help her in any way that I can. She has also helped and is helping me with certain things. Together we are trying to make this relationship work because we feel as though we could have something special! But we also understand that we both have issues and hope that together we can help each other and work through it all. If not life goes on and I'm sure we will have a friendship if things don't work out for us as a relationship.
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Thanks for your input! I agree with most things you have said, I am over protective and am aware of it. It's something I am working on in trying to relax and knowing that if I was able to get through my last breakup I should be able to get through any. I have not once made her feel pressure in regards to choosing spending time with me or her mother. In this situation I tell her to choose based on what will make her most happy. Sometimes that is me and sometimes that is her mother, which I am fine with because I understand her position and want to be able to help her in any way that I can. She has also helped and is helping me with certain things. Together we are trying to make this relationship work because we feel as though we could have something special! But we also understand that we both have issues and hope that together we can help each other and work through it all. If not life goes on and I'm sure we will have a friendship if things don't work out for us as a relationship. But, that's pressure. You making her choose. If she chooses her mother, then she left feeling guilty and bad about her choice. Look, you even just wrote that you both have something special but you both have issues. Say it that way to her and suggest that you two try couples counseling for just six sessions and see if it helps, it definitely wouldn't hurt. I think she might be open to it. Might be worth a shot. 1
Author matt29 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 But, that's pressure. You making her choose. If she chooses her mother, then she left feeling guilty and bad about her choice. Look, you even just wrote that you both have something special but you both have issues. Say it that way to her and suggest that you two try couples counseling for just six sessions and see if it helps, it definitely wouldn't hurt. I think she might be open to it. Might be worth a shot. I understand what your saying, I guess I feel although by asking her to do couples counselling that might be putting even more pressure on her? I would be more than happy to give it a go. I think it's a great idea. Maybe once the two weeks is up and we catch up for a chat I'll suggest it if she wants to continue with this relationship. Thanks very much!
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I understand what your saying, I guess I feel although by asking her to do couples counselling that might be putting even more pressure on her? I would be more than happy to give it a go. I think it's a great idea. Maybe once the two weeks is up and we catch up for a chat I'll suggest it if she wants to continue with this relationship. Thanks very much! No pressure there. It's just a suggestion, but you strongly feel like you two could benefit from it. Just ask for 6 sessions. After six and you don't feel like it's working, then you can stop. But, if the two of you feel that you are getting something out of it, then continue to go! Easy as that! Plus, I think that she will respect the fact that you are willing and even suggested the fact that you two go to counseling. A lot of guys are resistant to counseling. But, it shows her that you care enough about her and the relationship, that you are willing to do anything to save it. 1
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