Do Women 'Force' Men To Be Monogamous?

[Woggle]

People need to stop going to that bodybuilding forum and taking it for how the majority of men feel. It seems like a haven for misogynists.

[verhrzn]

V, where are you 'coming across' these things? I'm guessing... more forums frequented by bitter men. I'm really not sure why you continue to perpetuate this cycle.

 

That being said, most of the happily married/LTR men I know joke that, "One wife/partner is more than enough to handle!" And there's a lot of truth in that. Only teenagers (or teenagers in male bodies) are living in fantasyland where they have five different women on roster to bang every week, but still somehow manage to have plenty of alone time and cash to spare. The realities of polygyny are not like that. Not even in Saudi Arabia where women have no rights and the men don't need to spend any time and effort on them - they still need to consider the financial burden of each additional wife they take, and poor men typically cannot afford more than one.

 

Actually I run across this stuff on sites like Savage Love, Dr. Nerdlove, Jezebel, and (yes) Reddit. Slate.com had an article last week from a psychologist who claims that a person doesn't need to be unhappy in their relationship to cheat, and that by forcing people into monogamy we are forcing people to deny their desires and stuff.

 

I also hear about it a ton in my social circle. I hang out mostly with nerds, and quite a few of the nerds are poly. There's this attitude that if you aren't poly, you're denying your nature and controlling your partner, and you're less enlightened than everyone else.

 

Maybe people don't want multiple romantic partners, but it seems like more and more people are saying that having only one sexual partner is unnatural and stupid, and you're just asking for trouble for trying it.

[InnocentMan]

Monogamy has always seemed a perfectly natural state for me. I don't have the energy either emotionally, or physically to have more than one woman on the go. I think a lot of men get excited at the prospect of it, but when the reality sets in, they realise they have just multiplied the nagging twofold.

 

Most people have relatively mundane lives. Some try to make them more exciting by creating drama in their relationships. Can't be bothered with it personally.

[Woggle]

Actually I run across this stuff on sites like Savage Love, Dr. Nerdlove, Jezebel, and (yes) Reddit. Slate.com had an article last week from a psychologist who claims that a person doesn't need to be unhappy in their relationship to cheat, and that by forcing people into monogamy we are forcing people to deny their desires and stuff.

 

I also hear about it a ton in my social circle. I hang out mostly with nerds, and quite a few of the nerds are poly. There's this attitude that if you aren't poly, you're denying your nature and controlling your partner, and you're less enlightened than everyone else.

 

Maybe people don't want multiple romantic partners, but it seems like more and more people are saying that having only one sexual partner is unnatural and stupid, and you're just asking for trouble for trying it.

 

Jezebel sure isn't a man's site so it's not just men saying it. If people are honest about it then no issue but being faithful has never felt unnatural to me.

[Furious]

I come across this time and time again.... the idea that men are naturally wired to be polygamous, and that men are only monogamous because women refuse to be in relationships with them otherwise. That, or men are only monogamous because of quid-pro-quo.... they'd prefer to be out banging other women, but don't want their girlfriends sleeping with other men, and so are monogamous as a compromise.

 

Is it true? Are there are men who would choose monogamy over polygamy? If you could live in a society where men could have multiple partners, but women were expected to be monogamous, would you choose that? Would you open up your relationship if you could avoid the consequences (your partner leaving you/sleeping with someone else)?

 

Is it foolish to expect fidelity from a male partner?

 

 

 

Hey....it's not about polygamy or monogamy....as long as you're being honest about the lifestyle you most feel at home with.

 

Great....you want to swing....great you want multiple sexual partners....great you're bi-sexual...etc....Thanks for your honesty.

 

 

What you seem to be debating is not about sexual freedom but lying in order to gain sexual freedom.....that's the big difference.

[Candy_Pants]

In some cultures women are encouraged to gain plenty of sexual experience before marriage. The men are not.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Depends on who you ask, I'm not sure how honest or transparent a man would be in a situation where he cannot afford to be completely honest if it's not in his best interest.

 

Woman: "Fraaank! I just found your posting on some dating site called "LoveShack" and it says you don't believe in monogamy, WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!"

 

Man: "Ohh umm honey it's not a dating site, it's just a relationship advice site, I'm just helping out the young guys out with a bit of wisdom and all...that's just my alter ego and a form of entertainment, I'm just playing around you know...having a bit of innocent fun that's all *nervous laugh* I'm completely anonymous!"

 

Woman: "Well I hope your balls are anonymous too because you're about to missing those really soon!"

 

Man: "What was that dear?...did I mention how wonderful you look today?"

 

Woman: "Oh nothing..."

 

Man: "Is everything ok?"

 

Woman: "Everything is GREEEEAAAAT...don't you worry about anything!"

 

You might as well ask the president if he had sexual relations with that woman, not exactly a surprise to what he'd say to that!

 

You also can't make men feel weak, if you ask them if they were "forced" to do something by a woman...oh dear, you might as well ask them "Was that too heavy for you, or did you need a woman to lift it for you?"..."Oh hell no! I was perfectly capable of doing it myself...but you see yadda yadda yadda"...so I wouldn't question a mans "man-hood" that's a pretty big deal for men.

 

Finally, it depends on who you ask...are men forced to be monogamous to me? yes and no, I think women and men are dependent on each other regardless and sometimes monogamy is the most practical way of achieving your goals/needs, especially family. If there were more options would men take them? I would wager a good amount would, if they could live like Hugh Hefner with a lot of hot 20 somethings that have a bird whistle for a brain? well I'm sure you'd see some men go that route too.

 

You also have to size up the individual man, there are some men that are just not ladies men...they don't understand women, they don't get them, they'd rather be inside a lab looking under a microscope at bacteria or just relaxing in their recliner with their dog Buck...because dogs are easy and loyal, they also don't talk much...much easier than dealing with a woman.

 

My questions is though, when does the rule of monogamy apply? if we were all naturally monogamous why aren't most people sticking it through the end with the first person they are with? when does compatibility come into play? what is the "perfect woman" to a man..or is it just really when he decides to settle down?

 

Monogamy seems natural to me in some ways but what I believe really keeps a couple together is more practical and necessity, and it's not practical to run around your whole life like some gigolo either, so I think men want a combination of both worlds and at different stages or your life i think the needs/desires are different...and i can't imagine a 60 year old man running around with a harem of women unless he's rich, so you've got be reasonable...like in nature, it's the young that breed and that's why I think a lot of guys want to go around humping things, but in today's society that window is staying open longer.

 

So you have a double-edged sword with monogamy for men and something they've got to figure out for themselves, and be realistic about their actual abilities and options.

[Canucklehead]

Why shouldn't I start threads like this, if there are articles and tons of men online insisting that any woman who thinks men are naturally monogamous is a fool? I've been told in other places that men are only monogamous because women force them to be, and that any man given the option would be poly in a heart beat. I hear this sentiment often enough and in enough places that I start to wonder. So why not ask?

 

 

Its my opinion that the "tons of men" you are talking about actually comprise a much smaller portion of the male population than you and possibly many others think.

 

Happy to be monogamous men are generally not sounding off about NOT being a multi-dater or NOT playing the field. In some sense, I think we sit in the background looking to discover and be discovered by a partner who seeks the same.

 

OP, I think the point that Woggle, Somedude, and others are saying to you is that you need to look at your partner for who they are and not form ideas about him or your relationship based on generalizations coming from media, journals, mags, or random men out in the OLD world

[man_in_the_box]

Do Women 'Force' Men To Be Monogamous?

 

Nobody is holding a gun to my head... so no. Monogamy is the effective outcome of the complicated dynamics arising on the issue of sex after thousands of years experienced by billions of humans. It's 'apparently' the path of least resistance so to say. It is however a choice.

 

If you could live in a society where men could have multiple partners, but women were expected to be monogamous, would you choose that?

 

Lol no, I hate double standards and hypocrisy. No thanks.

 

Is it foolish to expect fidelity from a male partner?

 

Depends on the man.

[RedRobin]

lm a female, but from a mans stand point they have two obvious choices and those choices are made on their own wants, desires, and goals in life

 

A. Career -- Money -- Respect : Those men know that having one woman means they can get sex whenever they want without having to waste much time and effort trying to wine dine and seduce a female for the possibility of only a one time thing or even none at all. They want to invest their time in other things while still being able to get their rocks off.

They also have the advantage of having someone at home to take care of the little things, so they can focus their energy into what they want.

They also get the support, back rubs, good food.

 

B. Social status, Sex, Freedom : The benefits of a relationship are not as important as their priorities lie elsewhere. They hold freedom of choice above the rest in life.

 

C. Then you have the balanced man, whom l think tends to be slightly unhappy at sometimes and may swing back and forth between the two above. May end up choosing A above during his 30s. This man puts 50% of his effort into each area instead of 100% of whats most important to him. This slows his career advancement (less money, less respect, less power than men A). Spends less effort into maintaining women around him constantly and may go through periods having to go without sex. (less satisfaction, less attention, added frustration). He may never be completely satisfied.

 

MOST MEN FALL UNDER C

 

Man C adds to unhappiness between both sexes, high divorce rates, fatherless children, single mothers, because they are undecided in what is most important to them, so they take on relationships then tire of them quickly. Sometimes they fool themselves into thinking they can have both. Many of them start to use women and people, because that is the only way they CAN maintain both. Where is the honor in that?? lts disgusting and pathetic. But then again, WHO THEY HELL GlVES A SHlT ABOUT HONOR THESE DAYS.

 

ME: SlNGLE FOREVER!!! BECAUSE UNLlKE MEN, WOMEN DONT HAVE TO TRY OR SPEND MONEY FOR SEX! MY PROBLEM lS SOLVED

 

 

This makes a lot of sense.

 

 

I don't plan to be single forever... Mostly I look for someone who knows their priorities and can honestly articulate them.

 

 

Totally agree that lots of people fall in Group C... and integrity gets thrown by the wayside trying to juggle A and B priorities...

[Canucklehead]

lm a female, but from a mans stand point they have two obvious choices and those choices are made on their own wants, desires, and goals in life

 

A. Career -- Money -- Respect : Those men know that having one woman means they can get sex whenever they want without having to waste much time and effort trying to wine dine and seduce a female for the possibility of only a one time thing or even none at all. They want to invest their time in other things while still being able to get their rocks off.

They also have the advantage of having someone at home to take care of the little things, so they can focus their energy into what they want.

They also get the support, back rubs, good food.

 

B. Social status, Sex, Freedom : The benefits of a relationship are not as important as their priorities lie elsewhere. They hold freedom of choice above the rest in life.

 

C. Then you have the balanced man, whom l think tends to be slightly unhappy at sometimes and may swing back and forth between the two above. May end up choosing A above during his 30s. This man puts 50% of his effort into each area instead of 100% of whats most important to him. This slows his career advancement (less money, less respect, less power than men A). Spends less effort into maintaining women around him constantly and may go through periods having to go without sex. (less satisfaction, less attention, added frustration). He may never be completely satisfied.

 

MOST MEN FALL UNDER C

 

Man C adds to unhappiness between both sexes, high divorce rates, fatherless children, single mothers, because they are undecided in what is most important to them, so they take on relationships then tire of them quickly. Sometimes they fool themselves into thinking they can have both. Many of them start to use women and people, because that is the only way they CAN maintain both. Where is the honor in that?? lts disgusting and pathetic. But then again, WHO THEY HELL GlVES A SHlT ABOUT HONOR THESE DAYS.

 

ME: SlNGLE FOREVER!!! BECAUSE UNLlKE MEN, WOMEN DONT HAVE TO TRY OR SPEND MONEY FOR SEX! MY PROBLEM lS SOLVED

 

So easy to be cynical..... been there done that

 

I think so one needs a hug..... besides me

[ThaWholigan]

This makes a lot of sense.

 

 

I don't plan to be single forever... Mostly I look for someone who knows their priorities and can honestly articulate them.

 

 

Totally agree that lots of people fall in Group C... and integrity gets thrown by the wayside trying to juggle A and B priorities...

Trying to be something they aren't instead of just being C.

[verydazednconfused]

No, it was always my choice to be monogamous only to find out the hard way that many women also aren't interest in monogamy early on and so will not wait for you.

Just when you think you've found her, made her your gf and waited all this time, having enough self-control during all your HS years, declining friends' invitations to clubs (be the good guy refusing to give in to peer pressure about sowing your oats) only to find out 3 years later into the relationship that you've been lied to.

 

I'm slowly getting over it but from time to time it does hurts. Trying to forget. I think it's a bit harder for me to completely just get over it because I was the virgin lied to and taken my choice away from me.

[Leigh 87]

I find it distasteful in the way that people seek to undermine and trivialize another person's misfortune, no matter how great or small.

 

 

 

 

V has a legitimate reason to be upset. Frankly, if a lot of men didn't call me gorgeous and shower me with attention, being REALLY honest here... I would be quiet as happy as I am now.

 

 

People should let her express whatever concern she has.

 

 

She is not stupid, she knows there are "staving people in Africa", she knows she is experiencing a first world problem.

 

 

 

Just because there are people less fortunate than ourselves, that doesn't mean we are at fault when we want to bitch about our dating and men.

[Leigh 87]

I consider myself a fairly positive person.

 

 

 

However, I totally agree that MANY men most certainly have it in them to have a main partner while enjoying sexual variety.

 

Let me ask you all: HOW MANY men do you know that met "the one".

 

HOW MANY men have you met that met "that girl" who they were totally smitten, head over heels for.

 

HOW MANY men have met "that girl" that turned their world upside down through JUST meeting the girl once?

 

^^^^^^ men rarely fall "madly" in love, to the extent where they ONLY have eyes and sexual desire for their partner. Most men feel temptation. Almost ALL men do, unless they find "the one", I am convinced...

 

Most men AND woman for that matter, seek out a stable, reliable partner, who they may not feel all "excited" about initially, but who they "grow" very fond of over a long period of time.

SOME of these men, I have to say, DO have upstanding principals and values and they WOULD NOT want to sleep around.

Where as a good portion of the men who have ended up with the "stable and reliable partner with the wonderful personality" yet who they are not passionate about, WOULD absolutely take another lover.

 

I have only seen ONE man that is head over heels for a girl; from the moment he met her something changed, he gave up sleeping around every weekend, and he immediately wanted a relationship with her.

I think my boyfriend could feel the same about me.

 

I also know one of my friends who is a prime example of a man with principals; he IS NOT looking for the girl he is passionate about necessarily, rather, he is looking for a girl he is attracted to enough to have sex with regularly, and who he really likes and feels SOME degree of chemistry for. He is not expecting nor wanting the love of his life.

 

HE is dead against cheating and he is not into having multiple partners out of principal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As men, please ask yourselves;

 

What sort of love are you seeking? Do you want kids and a family and need to settle down within a certain time frame?

Is that more important to you than finding a girl you're crazy about?

 

Are you fine to skip the kids and white picket fence scenario? In the name of finding your true love and waiting a little longer?

 

LASTLY: men, depending on what scenario you end up in, can you see which scenario you would be open to taking another lover, versus the scenario where you would be totally happy with your one woman?

[Got it]

I come across this time and time again.... the idea that men are naturally wired to be polygamous, and that men are only monogamous because women refuse to be in relationships with them otherwise. That, or men are only monogamous because of quid-pro-quo.... they'd prefer to be out banging other women, but don't want their girlfriends sleeping with other men, and so are monogamous as a compromise.

 

Is it true? Are there are men who would choose monogamy over polygamy? If you could live in a society where men could have multiple partners, but women were expected to be monogamous, would you choose that? Would you open up your relationship if you could avoid the consequences (your partner leaving you/sleeping with someone else)?

 

Is it foolish to expect fidelity from a male partner?

 

How is a man forced? There are many women who are interested in short term relationships. But a man can't, then, have his cake and eat it too. Or, to trot out another cliche, what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

[Leigh 87]

I once thought monogamy was unnatural, until I met a guy I fell in love with.

 

I know a lot of men are the same.

 

My friends boyfriend got out of a long term relationship and he wasn't into monogamy at all; he slept around every weekend.

 

It all of a sudden changed for him the second he met my friend.

 

A lot of people think this way until they find a person they fall madly in love with.

 

VERY simply put; men may initially grow to love a woman, but after years together, if he isn't MADLY in love with her, he may very well fall into the group who " settle for practical reasons and would absolutely bed an array of hot women IF given the option"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" how many men would bed multiple hot women if given the option, if they could wave a magic wand that meant no one namely their wives, would be hurt by it"