crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[Darth Vader]

My exWW was in a wayward state of mind still convincing herself it was something she deserved.

 

Like most WW here, she thought she was ready to walk away from the marriage. Until she was served, that's when it all came crashing down around her. I saw a total and quick 180, it was too late.

 

Now all these years later, I really see her as a lesser risk then a new woman. I really believe she has learned from this and understands what a repeat would mean. Maybe I'm wrong, but with kids involved its that little bit extra that makes me willing to take the chance.

 

 

Really, you'd be better off taking your chances with someone new, at least you won't have the knowledge of the new lady cheating on you! Friend, you can do way better! BTW, do you honestly think your Ex has been single since your Divorce from her, I think not......

[Spectre]

My exWW was in a wayward state of mind still convincing herself it was something she deserved.

 

Like most WW here, she thought she was ready to walk away from the marriage. Until she was served, that's when it all came crashing down around her. I saw a total and quick 180, it was too late.

 

Now all these years later, I really see her as a lesser risk then a new woman. I really believe she has learned from this and understands what a repeat would mean. Maybe I'm wrong, but with kids involved its that little bit extra that makes me willing to take the chance.

 

I have to agree with Vader here man. I honestly feel you are seeing only what you want to see. This woman kept going back to the affair? She is the one who kept starting it up? That is not good man. It just seems shady man. She played you for a long time. Then she tried to claim she has been "celibate" all these years, which I find hard to believe. On top of that, her lying to you about the timeline(first the affair was 9 months, then it was 2 years).

 

Then now, the fact it was HER who kept going back? Honestly, I just don't get why you want this woman? I get the aspect about the kids, but you can find happiness with someone who won't do this to you. Your kids will not suffer as long as they know they are loved. I just don't see why you want to put yourself through all this again man. I really do not see it. She can't be that great, do her breasts leak beer or something? Sorry, that was a joke, but I am being serious. I am sure she is a nice person, etc. But the way she treated you before..I just think you need to move on from her. I think you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak down the line.

 

Obviously it is your call though, but I would just hate to see this woman end up hurting you again..however just from her behavior in the present(and the details from the past) make me think she is indeed going to end up sooner or later hurting you again. I'm also highly doubting she has not really had sex even ONCE in the past 5-6 years. Sorry, just do not buy it and I am unsure as to why you believe it. You were apart for years and you even had other women during that time and she knew about it. I feel without a doubt she was probably sleeping with at least a few guys during these past years. Which means she couldn't of really been feeling THAT bad about her behavior towards you. That is just my own two cents and I can honestly say I hope I am wrong, but I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am more or less on the right track.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Spectre

[DKT3]

Her having been with other guys over the past 5 years made no difference to me. I told her as much. She has/had no reason to tell me or lie about it.

 

As I've said, I haven't caught her in so much as a little white lie. The details of her affair is something she has tried to tell me for years, I simply wasn't interested in those details. So its not like she was holding anything back.

 

I get how its hard for some to believe that she is being honest about things or see me as falling for her "tricks". Truth is, its been years of positive actions on her part that has gotten us to this point, not what I've heard her say.

 

Why? Question is why would she lie about other men? What would be the motivation?

 

These are questions I have asked myself. I've told her many times she needed to move on and find someone. As I was doing that myself.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but her actions and words match. Had she been with a couple guys during that period it wouldn't have changed where we are now.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I still commend you for having the courage to try to repair the relationship. You do have to realize that their are risks involved, that you may not be able to get past her transgressions or that she might relapse. Additionally, your emotions are going to be a roller coaster ride for the near future. You will have good days and bad days. If you do want to continue the reconciliation, I think you need to have days that are fun bonding events for you and the family that have nothing to do with the affair.

 

Details are a double edged sword as they provide you with more information on which to base a decision, but don't ask questions you aren't prepared to receive an honest answer. Some folks want all the sordid details, while some would rather stay with a big picture view. This is not right or wrong, but a personal decision. Brief time apart can also give both of you relief as you can just live life for a few days, just understand that roller coaster will have ups and downs. Chin up my friend.

[Spectre]

Her having been with other guys over the past 5 years made no difference to me. I told her as much. She has/had no reason to tell me or lie about it.

 

Again though this is a problem. You are essentially saying it doesn't matter if she is still lying to you. You seriously do not see the red flag there? You keep saying she has no reason to lie, but come on. They NEVER have a reason. She had no valid reasons to cheat either and she still did it. So that is why I always find attitudes like this odd. You try to convince yourself of the good intentions of this person.

 

Let me tell you a sad truth: liars sometimes sprinkle truth in with their lies. I see a lot of people fall into the same trap of "this person told me all this info, so there is no point to lie about other things" when the thing is, that isn't necessarily true. A person might indeed give you SOME truth, but not all of it. It's just weird to see you say she has no reason to lie because come on dude..I know you acknowledged you weren't the best husband, but she still had no reason to cheat and did it anyways. That right there shows you she sometimes makes choices without any valid reason for doing it.

 

As I've said, I haven't caught her in so much as a little white lie. The details of her affair is something she has tried to tell me for years, I simply wasn't interested in those details. So its not like she was holding anything back.

 

But you did catch her in lies. She lied about how long the affair was. Also, again..it has been years. She has had time to perfect her lying, etc. She got caught before because she was stupid and ran her mouth, correct? So she has had YEARS to practice not doing that. Doesn't mean she is being honest, she could just be better at keeping secrets from you. Now she knows what to do and what not to do. I am not saying any of this is for sure, but it worries me you seem to so quickly dismiss it.

 

I get how its hard for some to believe that she is being honest about things or see me as falling for her "tricks". Truth is, its been years of positive actions on her part that has gotten us to this point, not what I've heard her say.

 

I'm sorry, but I just find this odd. You were apart for years, you even dated other women. She wasn't a huge part of your life, so how many "positive" things were you being exposed to? Also, like I said, you caught her before. Now she knows what not to do to draw suspicion.

 

Why? Question is why would she lie about other men? What would be the motivation?

 

The question you should be asking why are you so quick to believe she wouldn't? Why? Because she has been nice and claims to of not been with other guys? You are trying to look for rational reasons for an action that is not rational.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but her actions and words match. Had she been with a couple guys during that period it wouldn't have changed where we are now.

 

Except it does change it, because it means she lied to you about it. That is the point you keep missing.

[DKT3]

Again though this is a problem. You are essentially saying it doesn't matter if she is still lying to you. You seriously do not see the red flag there? You keep saying she has no reason to lie, but come on. They NEVER have a reason. She had no valid reasons to cheat either and she still did it. So that is why I always find attitudes like this odd. You try to convince yourself of the good intentions of this person.

 

Let me tell you a sad truth: liars sometimes sprinkle truth in with their lies. I see a lot of people fall into the same trap of "this person told me all this info, so there is no point to lie about other things" when the thing is, that isn't necessarily true. A person might indeed give you SOME truth, but not all of it. It's just weird to see you say she has no reason to lie because come on dude..I know you acknowledged you weren't the best husband, but she still had no reason to cheat and did it anyways. That right there shows you she sometimes makes choices without any valid reason for doing it.

 

 

 

But you did catch her in lies. She lied about how long the affair was. Also, again..it has been years. She has had time to perfect her lying, etc. She got caught before because she was stupid and ran her mouth, correct? So she has had YEARS to practice not doing that. Doesn't mean she is being honest, she could just be better at keeping secrets from you. Now she knows what to do and what not to do. I am not saying any of this is for sure, but it worries me you seem to so quickly dismiss it.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but I just find this odd. You were apart for years, you even dated other women. She wasn't a huge part of your life, so how many "positive" things were you being exposed to? Also, like I said, you caught her before. Now she knows what not to do to draw suspicion.

 

 

 

The question you should be asking why are you so quick to believe she wouldn't? Why? Because she has been nice and claims to of not been with other guys? You are trying to look for rational reasons for an action that is not rational.

 

 

 

Except it does change it, because it means she lied to you about it. That is the point you keep missing.

 

Since I was 17 she has always been a big part of my life. Sure for a years and a half or so after the divorce we limited are conversations to the kids but I still saw and/or spoke to her daily. After that time period we slowly started to do things as a family which lead to us spending time alone.

 

Her story of the affair came after she was served with divorce papers, it was mostly true mixed with some self preservation. Yes she lied about the duration and the fact that the affair started out with a drunken ONS followed by months of flirty texts before they started hanging out which lead to a full blown affair. During the divorce process she tried to come clean about the affair but I didn't want to hear any of it.

 

Since then, as far as I know she has been 100% honest with me. Even told me that she stalked me several times and used ON STAR to locate my car.

 

I don't know how our story will end, but I'm pretty confident she is being honest with me. Just like I was confident that she was cheating once I clued in. Actions

[DKT3]

I still commend you for having the courage to try to repair the relationship. You do have to realize that their are risks involved, that you may not be able to get past her transgressions or that she might relapse. Additionally, your emotions are going to be a roller coaster ride for the near future. You will have good days and bad days. If you do want to continue the reconciliation, I think you need to have days that are fun bonding events for you and the family that have nothing to do with the affair.

 

Details are a double edged sword as they provide you with more information on which to base a decision, but don't ask questions you aren't prepared to receive an honest answer. Some folks want all the sordid details, while some would rather stay with a big picture view. This is not right or wrong, but a personal decision. Brief time apart can also give both of you relief as you can just live life for a few days, just understand that roller coaster will have ups and downs. Chin up my friend.

 

Yeah, I'm asking myself if I really need details. Can I move forward without them.

 

I'm not sure its commendable? I sometimes think its cowardly. I'm not sure if its love or fear of no having her in my life is driving this.

[bigman1]

DKT, I think that details are really irrelevant at this point. They are now relevant because you think them so. Had you had them before, you would have still divorced. Maybe you would have put a little more "umph" on giving her the old heave ho, but after all that has occurred, the detail discovery should have a different purpose.

 

Perhaps your unwillingness to let her come clean all those years was really just a continuation of the pattern that you all are already starting to repeat. You all still had a dysfunctional divorce, not acrimonious, per se, but broken. Actually, it really does seem consistent with your prior pattern. Perhaps as you get the details let yourself know in advance that those can't really be deal breakers now since you already divorced her.

 

The real question ought to be, why did you shut her down and why did she let you? Then how to you stop that. IMHO.

[Spectre]

Since I was 17 she has always been a big part of my life. Sure for a years and a half or so after the divorce we limited are conversations to the kids but I still saw and/or spoke to her daily. After that time period we slowly started to do things as a family which lead to us spending time alone.

 

Her story of the affair came after she was served with divorce papers, it was mostly true mixed with some self preservation. Yes she lied about the duration and the fact that the affair started out with a drunken ONS followed by months of flirty texts before they started hanging out which lead to a full blown affair. During the divorce process she tried to come clean about the affair but I didn't want to hear any of it.

 

Since then, as far as I know she has been 100% honest with me. Even told me that she stalked me several times and used ON STAR to locate my car.

 

I don't know how our story will end, but I'm pretty confident she is being honest with me. Just like I was confident that she was cheating once I clued in. Actions

 

Like I have said..once that trust is broken I don't think it can ever be repaired again, but if you feel it can then so be it. I truly hope she doesn't end up doing the same thing again.

[janedoe67]

Like I have said..once that trust is broken I don't think it can ever be repaired again, but if you feel it can then so be it. I truly hope she doesn't end up doing the same thing again.

 

Thing is....not everyone feels like you do...and they don't have to.

 

DKT, YOU have made a decision about YOUR life. How can we SUPPORT you in that decision?

[maaz3231]

She's been perusing you five years since divorce, she has admitted it was her fault, and you still love her? Five years? I think she really loves you. Maybe it's time to see if this can work again. Maybe completely start over.

[harrybrown]

I think that your MC is right about you needing to process the anger.

 

It will be important to try to get past some of the questions that the MC thinks that you swept under the rug.

 

I do wish you both success.

 

She started the affair back up several times. She used her brains and effort to lie, cheat and deceive you.

 

So what has she used her brains, and effort to do to make you feel like you are not her backup plan?

 

Good luck with your process.

[Spectre]

Thing is....not everyone feels like you do...and they don't have to.

 

DKT, YOU have made a decision about YOUR life. How can we SUPPORT you in that decision?

 

I never said everyone feels the way I do. Not once.

[DKT3]

I think that your MC is right about you needing to process the anger.

 

It will be important to try to get past some of the questions that the MC thinks that you swept under the rug.

 

I do wish you both success.

 

She started the affair back up several times. She used her brains and effort to lie, cheat and deceive you.

 

So what has she used her brains, and effort to do to make you feel like you are not her backup plan?

 

Good luck with your process.

 

She was able to deceive me because I trusted her 100%. Things that were odd to me I simply ignored. Kinda the way you believe in your kids. That is gone, I doubt I could ever trust another woman in that way. Remember this is my first relationship, not just marriage. Something broke in me with her affair I see things differently. Maybe this is something that happens to most people in their late teens.

[DKT3]

I think that your MC is right about you needing to process the anger.

 

It will be important to try to get past some of the questions that the MC thinks that you swept under the rug.

 

I do wish you both success.

 

She started the affair back up several times. She used her brains and effort to lie, cheat and deceive you.

 

So what has she used her brains, and effort to do to make you feel like you are not her backup plan?

 

Good luck with your process.

 

Yeah, we had MC today. Therapist thinks I'm trying to move too fast. Not so much in the relationship but in my expectations of her. She says what we've had over the past three years is carefree and fun but on my terms. She thinks that not having expectations of her it was my way of protecting myself from being hurt. She thinks me having even small expectations of her that go past the kids is likely what's causing me to tap into the pain and anger I never dealt with.

 

What she said really hit home.

 

Didn't even get a chance to talk about details of A. She thinks I should be the focus, she thinks exWW is all in and willing to do anything to make it work. Me? She says I'm guarded, maybe fearful. I'm thinking..."REALLY?" I wonder why. She says I have to let my walls down and let her in at least alittle.

 

 

ExWW and I spoke last night, about A. I'm still really uncomfortable talking about it. I can truely see that all those years of avoiding it was just easier. Last night I just wanted to stand up and yell ENOUGH.

[DKT3]

Thing is....not everyone feels like you do...and they don't have to.

 

DKT, YOU have made a decision about YOUR life. How can we SUPPORT you in that decision?

Your doing it Jane. Thank you. Just being here for me to vent.

[DKT3]

She's been perusing you five years since divorce, she has admitted it was her fault, and you still love her? Five years? I think she really loves you. Maybe it's time to see if this can work again. Maybe completely start over.

 

Yeah, It hard to start over. MC said that that marriage is over.

[bigman1]

That therapist sounds like a good one to me. maybe it is because I agree with her. But still, she sounds right.

 

Gonna be some dark days ahead, but at least one of the crew is all in and that does count for something. I don't doubt your commitment, but your resolve and will are going to be tested. Strap up cowboy.

[DKT3]

That therapist sounds like a good one to me. maybe it is because I agree with her. But still, she sounds right.

 

Gonna be some dark days ahead, but at least one of the crew is all in and that does count for something. I don't doubt your commitment, but your resolve and will are going to be tested. Strap up cowboy.

 

Yeah she seems pretty good. Much better then the clown we used years ago. She pissed me off a few times so far, but mostly good.

[sidney2718]

Yeah, It hard to start over. MC said that that marriage is over.

 

That happens with big events, not just with affairs. Having your first child will change the marriage as well. And there are other things that also have big effects.

 

Most of us like to have the major things in our lives be regular with no surprises. We then feel safe and secure. But surprises, good and bad, happen and we are often rocked out of our comfort zone.

 

Speaking for myself I learned long ago to enjoy the day because tomorrow might bring sorrow.

[tom670]

Well you can live with her again and just be gf/bf.

I would not marry her though but that's just me.

[Spectre]

Well you can live with her again and just be gf/bf.

I would not marry her though but that's just me.

 

At this point what is the difference? She's already cheated before, them not getting married wouldn't stop it. Though I guess wait if they got married again and then divorced he'd have to give her more stuff so..ignore me, didn't even think that comment through.

[DKT3]

Well you can live with her again and just be gf/bf.

I would not marry her though but that's just me.

 

I can never say never. Marriage is really doubtful, honestly I'm feeling likes the whole thing is doubtful.

[DKT3]

Ok, so exWW know about this and has read my posts.

 

Yesterday a friend of mine (the one who turned me on to these websites) was having a birthday party for his daughter and I took mine. He asked me how it was going and I told him I had a good outlet in this site. Little did I know, my double agent was standing behind us and later told her mom. A few hours after I dropped her (daughter) off I get a call with her mom telling me she had seen this and almost joined to tell her side of our story.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it could be good. She has every right I guess. It is after all her story and life as well.

[beach]

Ok, so exWW know about this and has read my posts.

 

Yesterday a friend of mine (the one who turned me on to these websites) was having a birthday party for his daughter and I took mine. He asked me how it was going and I told him I had a good outlet in this site. Little did I know, my double agent was standing behind us and later told her mom. A few hours after I dropped her (daughter) off I get a call with her mom telling me she had seen this and almost joined to tell her side of our story.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it could be good. She has every right I guess. It is after all her story and life as well.

 

I think understanding how your wife feels in all this would bring insight...but it's not helpful if her Mom gives her daughters info.

 

Why is her Mom involved? She should stay out of it.

 

If your wife wants her perspective and experience portrayed here - it should come from her directly.

 

I'm sorry your anonymity has been blasted! That sucks!