2 Months of Dating and She's Pulled Back

[firsttracks]

This is long but it's a good story, I really really need some feedback, please be patient and take the time to give me your opinion I'm a decent guy but lost right now.

 

I met a girl skiing this Winter. We were both by ourselves, had a couple drinks, and hit the slopes for a few hours. I made an ass of myself, got more drunk than I intended to, and she had to drop me off. I called her the wrong name when she dropped me off and was trying to get her to sleep over, I never thought she'd get ahold of me after all that it was a disaster. She did text me, I asked her out, she agreed to a date. We went on a date on Friday and decided we'd ski together that Sunday. While skiing I brought up if she has a boyfriend and she said she's just doing her right now, not too interested in boyfriends at the moment, moved back home from out west to finish school and doesn't plan on staying. We skied and went to my friends for a Superbowl party. She wanted to leave so we went back to my place and messed around and she slept over. After feeling like a jerk for trying to get in her pants the first day, we just messed around I didn't push for sex. That Thursday she got ahold of me wanting help waxing her skis, she came over with a six pack and we ended up sleeping over and messing around again. That Sunday we went skiing, she slept over again.

 

The next week was Valentines and she wanted to do dinner Thurs because she works Fri. Keep in mind she was the one initiating all communication and making plans at this point. We went to a nice restaurant and had a romantic meal, came back to my place and she slept over, messed around, I went down on her but she said she was not ready for sex and said "next time." I was ok with that and she said she really likes me but if we have sex she thought she'd never hear from me again "because that's what guys do." She said if she'd slept with me the first day we met we wouldn't have gotten to do all this stuff. So Sat she came over after work, used my shower, watched a couple TV shows and went to bed to get up and ski early. We messed around and things progressed to sex and she said "let's wait it'll be better." Sunday morning we woke up late, cuddled, finally made it out skiing, had a blast but she fell and got hurt. I took care of her that night, she had a concussion I think.

 

That night she totally opened up to me about not having what we have since she's moved. She slept with one guy last summer but that's the only guy she's dated and he was a jerk and a loser. She brought up that the word Horny doesn't exist in her vocabulary. The entire time we dated she was weird about kissing, would only make out if she was really turned on, otherwise it was me kissing her neck and stuff. She mentioned she moved back for school, got home and was really depressed, took meds for a while and got off them. Mentioned family issues, her parents divorce, her Mom leaving, and that she was really depressed right when she moved out West. I was dumb and brought up a talk about us delicately the next morning and she said she likes me alot but doesn't want to label anything but definitely wants to keep seeing each other and just see what the universe has in store for us.

 

That Thurs she drove in a snowstorm to see me and ski Friday. She came over and said she was still hurting and didn't want to ski, we went to bed and got up, went out to breakfast, and went and bought a couple things for a baby shower she was going to that weekend. She called me on her drive on Sat just to chat, we text a couple times that weekend. The next week I didn't hear much from her. She wasn't sure if she was ready to ski and wasn't sure if she'd be able to hang out that weekend. She called me Sat night and wanted to do something Sunday.

 

Sunday she came over, did some homework for a bit, I took her downtown and we had fun but had a little argument. I got jealous she gave someone her email (granted I did the same but he said it was for networking...stupid of me to open that door). I said I want to be with her and feel stupid when she flirts with guys in front of me when we're on a date (this was the third time I had to say something). We went home, I parked and got out to open my garage door. She said "your not going to leave me are you?" I was like no what are you talking about lets go inside. We had a bite to eat and went to bed. She gave me a blow job that night and was very self conscious about how it was, her looks, her weight, very insecure. The next morning she got up to study for a test and I made some breakfast and tea for her to take with. She called me after her test and told me how she did.

 

We eased off for a day or so and did our own thing but she text asking if we could shop for a ski helmet Thurs and wanted to come over Sat and ski Sun. She came over Thurs but was late so we didn't go shopping. She brought over a bottle of whiskey and some beer and wanted to party. We took a couple shots, talked, and put on a movie. She wanted to lay down so we did. We went to bed, messed around, got naked, she asked for a condom but I felt like a jerk for trying to get in her pants the first day we met so I said I know she's been patient, I don't mind waiting (really I was just exhausted and the sex would have been terrible on my part). She was really drunk and said she does want to wait. The next morning we got up, messed around, she left, things were fine.

 

That weekend she was busy with school and cancelled Sat night plans and skiing plans. I picked up the helmet she wanted and she paid me back for it the next time we got together. She wanted to go to a bar on Thurs to watch basketball. We did that for a while and she wanted to leave so we went back to my place and she fell asleep right away on my couch. We went to bed and messed around and I wanted to have sex then and tried for it but she said she doesn't want to. The next morning we talked and I said she wanted to a week ago and she didn't remember or so she says. She did say "oh god really I did, thanks for not doing that really thank you." I said it's fine I really like you, of course I want to sleep with you but we can go slow it's ok. I said it kinda already feels like your my girlfriend and again she said she doesn't want to label anything, isn't sure how she feels about the whole relationship thing but likes me and wants to continue but if I meet someone else I'm more interested, then go for it. That was her last week of school before spring break.

 

That Sat after work she text wondering what I was doing. I had just gotten back from snowboarding and she was going to go home, get her ski stuff and come sleep over. She stalled for two hours, said she wasn't sure about coming over but didn't say yes or no and ended up not responding to my text wondering what her plan is. She got up and we met skiing early that Sunday. She was crabby for some reason, upset about something to do with her Mom. She was just a bitch all day, got really really drunk, we had to leave her car there and I had to drive her to my place. She fell asleep with all her ski gear on on my couch right when we got back. I had to baby sit and made sure she ate something and drank some water. The next morning she suggested we shower together I was down for that but then she changed her mind. I dropped her off at her car and had to jump start it, and follow her to the gas station because she was almost out. This was her spring break week and she said she'd have more time to hang out.

 

At this point she was starting to distance herself. Not making plans, not texting as much. I threw out a couple ideas and all she said was "hmm lots to think about." I called her Thurs to hang out and she was crabby on the phone in the middle of writing a paper on spring break. She sent a text saying she's sorry for the phone call afterwards. The next Sat I called her and she was doing another paper and not sure if she could hang that night because her friend who's pregnant about to pop was having some girls over. Sunday she wanted to ski so we did, she was super hung over, again just not fun to be around, crabby, tired, wanted to leave after 3 hours, before we even met up she said she can't sleep over she has to get ready for her week back after spring break.

 

So I let her be that first week back. I sent her one text picture of a basketball game I was at and she never responded. Saturday I text to see if she wanted to get together Sunday and she said "not sure if I can I have a paper due Sun night." Sunday I called her to say hi and see whats up. She didn't answer but text back a couple hours later and said "did you call, I was taking a nap, what's up?" I text back and said just calling to say hi and wanted to see if she's available Thursday. That was yesterday afternoon and she has yet to respond.

 

I get she's busy, she has friends, sisters, is a full-time straight A college student, works at a bar 3 nights a week, and then making time to ski and see me. I don't wanna put too much pressure on her but maybe I did. Just not sure why she suddenly backed off. Is she just not interested anymore, was it too much too soon, I don't think there's anyone else but there could be, is she damaged and actually felt a connection and is running the other way now? Part of me thinks it's related to me not having sex with her when she wanted to. Granted we were both drunk, but she wanted to and then changed her mind when I asked. If she has self esteem issues maybe she feels rejected. But then again the next week we messed around I was aggressive and went for it and she didn't want to and claims she didn't remember wanting to have sex before. But after I didn't have sex with her, we hung out again and it was fine, after our talk things seemed to change, she's been distant, even hostile towards me. She jokingly asked if I was gay twice in one day when she was really drunk and I had to drive her home. I just don't get this girl, I got attached and want to show her I care but I feel like she's pushing me away and I have no explanation why.

 

Sorry for the book.

[angel.eyes]

My guess is she's changed her mind and is no longer interested. Many reasons why that might happen, very few of which relate to anything you did or neglected to do. It happens. That's why we date. To figure out if we want to spend more time with someone. At some point, it seems the answer became "no." I doubt you'll ever get an explicit "no." Just continued avoidance and general busy-ness.

 

I would just move on. She may come back with more ambivalence. She may not. Either way, I doubt things are going to progress.

[firsttracks]

Thank you. I appreciate your response. Yeah I'm trying to not be needy or clingy because I default to that so although I've been tempted to be like "wtf is going on?" I haven't. I'm trying to give her space and move on myself but I also don't want her to think I lost interest. I'm also wondering if she's pulled back because she thinks I lost interest because I didn't sleep with her that night. I guess I can say she's said "I'm tired and not sure if I'm coming out." Didn't come out. "I'm not sure if I can I have a paper due tomorrow night." Didn't attempt to even contact me. So the "I'm not sure how I feel about the whole relationship thing right now" probably means the same as the others...this girl can't give a definite NO. I know she's nice and doesn't want to hurt my feelings but I'd just like to know. This whole thing melted with the snow it seems like, all in all we were just ski buddies who dated and I had a chance to have sex with a beautiful woman and missed my opportunity.

[angel.eyes]

...I'm trying to give her space and move on myself but I also don't want her to think I lost interest. I'm also wondering if she's pulled back because she thinks I lost interest because I didn't sleep with her that night...This whole thing melted with the snow it seems like, all in all we were just ski buddies who dated and I had a chance to have sex with a beautiful woman and missed my opportunity.

 

Just want to address a couple of your concerns:

 

Not realizing you're interested:

You've asked her repeatedly to get together. She won't and has less than credible reasons why she's now continuously unavailable (e.g. needing to submit a paper on Sunday night during Spring Break IIRC). You're very clearly interested and trying to continue things. She strikes me as decidedly unenthused about that prospect with you. My guess is the reasons she gives for not getting together are just going to grow ever more ludicrous with time until you get the message.

 

Sex:

Well, you tried the next weekend and she turned you down. Again, it's not that you're not interested. It's that she seems to have moved on.

 

Lots of her statements suggest that she never saw this going very far even at the outset. Were you having long conversations, sharing personal stuff, and really getting to know each other? Or was it mostly just skiing, messing around, and hanging out?

 

Don't beat yourself up or try to guess at why she went cold. You don't really know her, so chances are your guesses will be completely off base. I would just move on.

[J21]

She's been pretty consistent from my perspective.

 

She's been saying from the beginning she "doesn't want to label this" or is focused on boyfriends--aka "i dont see this being a long term thing". Her never committing to a bf/gf thing wasn't a accident.

 

She's starting to pull back because this was just a temporary thing for her and the expiration date is soon approaching. You're wanting something more deeper but she doesn't.

 

The truth is, if she was interested, she would make more of an effort to see you.

[firsttracks]

Now she responded to my text from Sunday last night while I was out on a date with someone else. She said "Hey, sorry I haven't gotten back to you until now. It's super busy time at school. I'm not sure if I can hang out Thursday."

 

So what do you take from that, she's not interested but felt guilty and is being polite? That's my guess but her pulling back, why even bother texting me? I was already assuming I'd never hear from her.

 

Do I respond to that? Ignore her and date this other girl and if she comes around actually hit it this time to keep her around. I hate these games. On one hand I'm busy and her actions are showing me how to treat her (ignoring). That's games though. Or do I text something short and say like "not a problem." Truth is I can't hang out tonight anyways now, had I planned for it yeah, I didn't so I can't. I guess I could but I won't I have other things to do now.

[J21]

Now she responded to my text from Sunday last night while I was out on a date with someone else. She said "Hey, sorry I haven't gotten back to you until now. It's super busy time at school. I'm not sure if I can hang out Thursday."

 

So what do you take from that, she's not interested but felt guilty and is being polite? That's my guess but her pulling back, why even bother texting me? I was already assuming I'd never hear from her.

 

Do I respond to that? Ignore her and date this other girl and if she comes around actually hit it this time to keep her around. I hate these games. On one hand I'm busy and her actions are showing me how to treat her (ignoring). That's games though. Or do I text something short and say like "not a problem." Truth is I can't hang out tonight anyways now, had I planned for it yeah, I didn't so I can't. I guess I could but I won't I have other things to do now.

 

Shes not interest but keeping her options open in case she changes her mind. Aka you're her plan B, C or D

 

Date the new girl and forget this one. Don't even reply because, honestly, who cares?

 

If she was truly interested she would have contacted you sooner. Don't be delusional and believe her she was so busy she couldn't contact u. it takes a minute to text someone.

[kane30us]

I agree with J21 She's keeping her options open. It dosn't take much of your time to respond to a text and if she was really interested in you she would of said so on the text. Just ignore her.

[Frank2thepoint]

I wanted to point out a few things to support evidence that this girl is not right for you.

 

but if we have sex she thought she'd never hear from me again "because that's what guys do."

 

This is the biggest one. Any person that says something like this has trust issues. Assuming and expecting bad things have a habit of becoming true because those are the types of men she attracts.

 

 

"let's wait it'll be better."

 

She keeps putting off sex, even though you guys are intimate, make out, and sleep together. Also, I get the sense that she uses this as a way to test guys worthy of her. Since she has sex with guys that that never call her again, by you not being aggressive and pushing for sex, she knows you are the infamous "good guy".

 

 

Mentioned family issues, her parents divorce, her Mom leaving, and that she was really depressed right when she moved out West.

 

Additional evidence that she is unstable. She is coming from a broken family, and this has a huge impact on how she views relationships. If her parents split, what's preventing her relationships from not working out? Also, since her mother fled the marriage, this girl has adopted a similar coping mechanism. The depression thing is something to watch out for. She can do crazy things like hurt herself.

 

 

She said "your not going to leave me are you?"

 

This is a strong idicator of abandonment issues. She has already displayed erratic behavior.

 

 

At this point she was starting to distance herself. Not making plans, not texting as much. I threw out a couple ideas and all she said was "hmm lots to think about."

 

And this is where the switch has flipped in her head. She no longer wants to invest energy into you. She's lost interest because she's emotionally unstable. Plus the added fact that you did not have sex with her and not call her, means she does not see much drama with you. This girl enjoys drama, especially the really bad, negative kind.

 

 

is a full-time straight A college student

 

It's sad that she is so mentally smart, yet also emotionally dumb.

 

 

is she damaged and actually felt a connection and is running the other way now?

 

Is she is very damaged. Emotionally unstable. If she did feel a connection to you, she is doing what her mom did, running away. It's the only thing she knows, and feels safe running away. Because the chance of being vulnerable with someone scares the sh*t out of her. Obviously everyone is scared of being vulnerable in a relationship, but if you want a deep, meaningful relationship, you have to expose yourself emotionally.

 

 

She jokingly asked if I was gay twice in one day when she was really drunk

 

Even more proof that she is used to really aggressive guys who don't respect her, f*ck her, and leave her. The fact that you were somewhat respectful of her, she sees you as not worthy of getting sex from her.

 

 

I just don't get this girl, I got attached and want to show her I care but I feel like she's pushing me away and I have no explanation why.

 

Of course you know the answer. You just don't want to accept it because you are emotionally attached to her. You like her, which is great, but the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with you has made you frustrated. This is what happens when you attempt any type of relationship with unstable girls. Don't beat yourself up. Take this as a learning experience and use it for avoiding future crazies.

 

As for my advice. Delete her number, forget her name, forget her face, and move on. If you continue chasing her, you will go down a path of suffering. You may even become jaded like her and start spewing the same rhetoric as her. Nurture your self-respect and move on.

[firsttracks]

Thanks so much everyone. This is great advice and makes me feel so much better about the situation. I just have a regret about the sex thing because I AM extremely aggressive in the bedroom ONCE I know she'll be comfortable with it. I just wish we couldn't do the deed because I think she'd see me differently and not like the gay nice guy she probably thinks I am. Either way, moving on.

[Phantom888]

In the future, watch out for these girls that have their own "rules". Like they are postponing sex because they don't want to get hurt or they are putting you off because they are busy doing something else. If a girl is really into you, all of her rules go out the window. She will want to get into YOUR pants, and she would be the one who wants to spend most of her time with you.

[firsttracks]

Exactly. I would not be surprised if she's been hooking up with some jerk she's attracted to but see's no potential in for the past few weeks when she's been obviously not into me and even hostile. It's just frustrating because at my core I'm a good solid nice guy who'll treat his lady right. But there's a dark side of me that is that ******* who'll just be aggressive with a girl and every time I unleash that they love it. But still, I know my soft charm is not for 90% of the women out there so I intentionally turn it off. I'm hoping to find one of the 10% who appreciates to get thrown around in the bedroom but also kisses in the morning, cuddling, breakfast, and flowers at work.

 

Is that ridiculous? It's not once panned out for me. Maybe temporarily but these types of girls always get sick of it or feel like they don't deserve it and end up ending things with me saying I can do better. It's actually very tough on the self esteem and requires that much more masculinity and confidence to hold it together. I balance it out by off roading, drinking beer, snowboarding, watching baseball, and shooting guns. I like my gardening, poetry, and acoustic guitar though too. I'm a mess.