Is he fair? Does he care?

[Amelia89]

I am not a native speaker so I apologize for all my mistakes.

 

I will quickly describe the situation.

I have been in a 9 year relationship. The first four years were very difficult because we could not see each other very often (distance relationship).

Then I decided to move to him. Even though I often miss my family, I never regretted my decision. I left everything behind for him because it is a true love for me. And that is my problem. I think I am the only one in the relationship that truly loves the other person.

 

Why?

 

- He never really fought for me. Sometimes I feel like I could do a small thing and he would just break with me. It happened that he was writing bad things about me on the internet (I actually don't know why he is with me because I have never heard a nice thing about my character from him).

I feel like I am the only one who keeps this relation alive. Even when I have a bad day I try to be enthusiast and chatter with him. I can really devote myself and do everything to make him happy. Unfortunately I don't feel the same thing from him. He never sees when I have a problem, never shares his thoughts with me, doesn't talk much. Does he even care if I am happy?

Sometimes I feel like a ghost. I won't mention that he does;t want to have sex with me anymore. Lately he even told me that he is never going to marry. I feel like he wouldn't do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING for me. And I have done so much…

 

 

I absolutely had no intentions to go back to my country. HE clearly stated that he will never move with me. I accepted that fact. At one point I asked myself- does he really love me if he just says: "I am not going anywhere. So chose if you want to be with me or not". This sentence hurt me the most. Not the fact that he wants to stay in his own country.

 

At this point I am an emotional wreck. I feel like a 70 year old woman with no past and no future. All because I feel like my love is not returned.

 

Have I done a wrong decision by moving to him?

I still love him and can't imagine my life without him because I also remember great moments that we have experienced together. Should I leave him? Does he deserve my love? Is he fair?

[regine_phalange]

Sweetie, don't regret anything that can be undone. You can undone your moving with him, even tomorrow, if you decide so. Move on, there is no future with this person. Truth is no one deserves a partner like him. You may feel that you can't do better, but this is because he is all you know. Right now you are missing on beautiful things like companionship, empathy, deep appreciation, lovemaking with someone who makes you feel alive and truly happy, someone who will never make you cry and will be always ready to beat those who make you sad.

[Amelia89]

Thanks for sharing your opinion! Do you think that the things I mentioned should be a reason to break up? Sometimes he is very honest with the things he says (like the marrying thing). I don't want to force him to do anything against his will but I just don't understand WHY. Don't i deserve it? Am I not a good partner?

It is really difficult for me to end everything after 9, great years. I know that he has never betrayed. Sometimes Im thinking if he is not just a little childish or dumb to not see that I miss something in a relationship... or is it just how he is?

Is it actually even possible that there is a man on this world that would never make a girl cry?

 

I still believe he will change and see that I am a human and that I have feelings. I did consider to leave him. Not because I want to go back to my country because I don't. Only because he is so selfish...

[Noproblem]

Dear Amelia

 

Everyone who reads your story will feel sad and sorry for your case, but most of all, everyone who reads your story will feel upset and angry at you.

 

Why would you waste your time with someone as selfish and ungreatful as this person is?

 

Just because you love him?

 

News flash..Millions people left people they love because they weren't apprciated enough and were treated badly..

 

They started again, at first it was hard, but then they found their old selves again and they were at peace.

 

You won't be at peace or near the word happy if you stay with him...

 

I'm not telling you to go back, if you don't want to go back to your country, I understand..

 

But start all over again without him...

 

Leave him be.. You deserve better..

Gain yourself..leave anything that hurt your soul and heart.

 

Win this war and leave while you can..

I guess you are still in your 20s..but even if you were in your 50's it's never too late to start again

 

Note: selfish people never change!

 

Leaveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

[Els]

I don't think moving to be with him was necessarily a 'bad' decision, especially given that you say you have no desire to return to your home country.

 

Continuing to stay with him WILL be a bad decision though. Leave him and build your own life in your new place.

[regine_phalange]

Thanks for sharing your opinion! Do you think that the things I mentioned should be a reason to break up? Sometimes he is very honest with the things he says (like the marrying thing). I don't want to force him to do anything against his will but I just don't understand WHY. Don't i deserve it? Am I not a good partner?

It is really difficult for me to end everything after 9, great years. I know that he has never betrayed. Sometimes Im thinking if he is not just a little childish or dumb to not see that I miss something in a relationship... or is it just how he is?

Is it actually even possible that there is a man on this world that would never make a girl cry?

 

I still believe he will change and see that I am a human and that I have feelings. I did consider to leave him. Not because I want to go back to my country because I don't. Only because he is so selfish...

 

Yes, everything is a very important reason to breakup.

 

You may deserve to be treated nicely in return, but that does not mean he will ever recognise it. The whole "give, give, give, with the hope of taking something in return" is a wrong idea. Relationships are not built that way. They should be mutual and reciprocating. Yours never was as I understand. You are questioning yourself, because he is all you know, but I tell you, with all the certainty in the world, that your relationship isn't good, and deep inside you know it and feel it too.

 

If he didn't change for 9 years, what will make him change now? He sees you as he sees you, and you can't control that. But you can take your own happiness in your hands. He had 9 years to reciprocate, but he didn't.

 

My advice is to breakup with him, be on your own for a good amount of time to gain back your personality, and then find someone who makes you feel happy and wanted.

[Amelia89]

Yes, everything is a very important reason to breakup.

 

You may deserve to be treated nicely in return, but that does not mean he will ever recognise it. The whole "give, give, give, with the hope of taking something in return" is a wrong idea. Relationships are not built that way. They should be mutual and reciprocating. Yours never was as I understand. You are questioning yourself, because he is all you know, but I tell you, with all the certainty in the world, that your relationship isn't good, and deep inside you know it and feel it too.

 

If he didn't change for 9 years, what will make him change now? He sees you as he sees you, and you can't control that. But you can take your own happiness in your hands. He had 9 years to reciprocate, but he didn't.

 

My advice is to breakup with him, be on your own for a good amount of time to gain back your personality, and then find someone who makes you feel happy and wanted.

 

 

 

I just don't know if I am not overreacting. I always try to explain the whole situation:

 

1) sex- he doesn't want it because we had troubles in the past. We don't really fit sexually and somehow both of us have accepted that fact. The thing is that I am still willing to try…

 

2) Marriage- He thinks I am unhappy in his country. He concludes that because everytime I am coming back from my family house I start crying on the airport. I just can't help it…but that never meant that I wanted to leave ;/ That is the reason why I think he never wants to marry.

 

3) that he is quiet and not understanding- maybe he is just like that? Maybe its his personality?

 

I didnt mention- he was really great for the last 7/8 years. And then something suddenly changed. I believe that its all because of his new friends. They are very passive in life and think that being "romantic" and good for your own girl is a pathetic thing.

You see…I am trying to find an explanation for everything.

But it doesn't change the fact that we are not able to talk about this. He tells me that I should speak with him about my problems but whenever I do he disagrees with the opinion that I have about him. He thinks I am overreacting.

 

Am I just an "attention" girl? Sometimes I feel like I want to be in the center of everything, appreciated, praised…

 

Yesterday after I wrote those posts I fainted on the coach (never happened to me before). I feel so weak that I am afraid to go out of the house.

[Amelia89]

I used to tell really bad things about his country. Only because I missed my own. Sometimes I said how much I hated people who live here, that the system is bad, that everything is bad. I changed and I learnt how to live here.

I was very emotional and aggressive before. He told me that its not going to work if I don't change my attitude. I really changed and became more optimistic and enthusiast. I also don't complain anymore.

[FrostBlaze]

How old are you? i'm a take the number in your name and assume you are 25.

So you started dating him at 16 or so, is he your first love?

 

The reason i'm asking is because girls find it really hard/impossibru to get over their first love, at least the ones i know.

They stay in bad relationships, they see it's bad but try to find excuses to stay, just as you are doing.

 

You see it's a bad relationship but don't have the will to leave. Idk how the past 8 years have been "good" since you stated he wasn't fighting for you from the beggining of the relationship and he is just selfish.

"I am not going anywhere. So chose if you want to be with me or not"

That alone should of made you dump him 9 years ago or whenever he said it, or at least be a red flag.

 

I will comment more after you answer my initial questions .

[Amelia89]

How old are you? i'm a take the number in your name and assume you are 25.

So you started dating him at 16 or so, is he your first love?

 

The reason i'm asking is because girls find it really hard/impossibru to get over their first love, at least the ones i know.

They stay in bad relationships, they see it's bad but try to find excuses to stay, just as you are doing.

 

You see it's a bad relationship but don't have the will to leave. Idk how the past 8 years have been "good" since you stated he wasn't fighting for you from the beggining of the relationship and he is just selfish.

"I am not going anywhere. So chose if you want to be with me or not"

That alone should of made you dump him 9 years ago or whenever he said it, or at least be a red flag.

 

I will comment more after you answer my initial questions .

 

 

That is right! I am 25 and started "dating" (video conversations) him when I was 16. And yes, it was my first love. You see in the beginning he spent all his money to come to me. As a 17 year old guy he did all the kinds of work just to earn money and pay for the plane ticket. After 4 years of living like this I decided to move to him. We lived 2 years with his parents and then he bought a house because I didn't feel good living with so many people in one house. I can honestly say that he did that for me.

After we moved to our new house I felt kind of lonely. I often cried and said that I miss my family. He said that it will be fine and we will figure it out (perhaps move to my country). Later we figured out that there is absolutely no possibility that he would ever get a job in my country. He works at the sea and the place where I lived had no access to the sea/ ocean AT ALL.

Then he told me that I have to make a choice because he is not going to move with me. I was really depressed. Eventually I learnt how to live without my family and friends. I learnt how to live a new life. After this experience he changed a lot. HE keeps telling me that I should go back because there is no future for me in his country. He can't handle the situation. The story was too long to tell in the first place so I skipped that part. Im just wondering if that might be the reason why he never wants to marry me.

 

Second thing is. I know his parents pretty well. They are really nice people. However, sometimes I see some similarities between my boyfriend and his father. My boyfriend has always been romantic and very good for me. At one point he started changing and I think he is more and more like his dad. The thing is- his dad never really touches his mom. I have never seen them hugging or saying nice things to each other. He probably does care but there is no romance AT ALL in their marriage. Im asking myself- is my boyfriend just gonna change within time and become this kind of person?

He tells me that he loves me. But as I said before- he is cold as ice, doesn't see that I am in pain, doesn't want to marry, doesn't want to have sex. But he keeps repeating that I am overreacting and that he still loves me.

Am I crazy?

[FrostBlaze]

You see, this is why we need more details, at first, your initial post really made him look like the bad guy and a big *******.

Now he doesn't seem so much but still is, then again there's always 3 sides of a story, your's/his/ and something in betwen.

 

You are not innocent in all this i am quite sure, but the story so far makes me keep your side, but i doubt a few things. Like when you are so negative and he tried so much for you, that could put him off.

 

In 9 years love can fade away or just get stale, god knows what is wrong. You need to keep that alive, if you can't, move away or you are just settling.

 

Honestly the best thing is to talk it over with him, try and spice things up, for a healthy relationship you need sex/affection, if you feel it and he is not giving it, that's a bad sign.

Get your answers, why he doesn't want to marry, what's wrong and then decide and move out if they are not what you wanted to hear. He might be taking you for granted, like you are not going to leave him anyway.

 

WAITING is not gonna fix anything , waiting never does, you have to act to change. So talk to him, he might have some problems that cause this behavior.

 

If there ain't any problems and he is just like this and doesn't want to change, leave. World doesn't end with him.

 

And no, i doubt you are crazy.

Edited April 2, 2014 by FrostBlaze

[Amelia89]

You see, this is why we need more details, at first, your initial post really made him look like the bad guy and a big *******.

Now he doesn't seem so much but still is, then again there's always 3 sides of a story, your's/his/ and something in betwen.

 

You are not innocent in all this i am quite sure, but the story so far makes me keep your side, but i doubt a few things. Like when you are so negative and he tried so much for you, that could put him off.

 

In 9 years love can fade away or just get stale, god knows what is wrong. You need to keep that alive, if you can't, move away or you are just settling.

 

Honestly the best thing is to talk it over with him, try and spice things up, for a healthy relationship you need sex/affection, if you feel it and he is not giving it, that's a bad sign.

Get your answers, why he doesn't want to marry, what's wrong and then decide and move out if they are not what you wanted to hear. He might be taking you for granted, like you are not going to leave him anyway.

 

WAITING is not gonna fix anything , waiting never does, you have to act to change. So talk to him, he might have some problems that cause this behavior.

 

If there ain't any problems and he is just like this and doesn't want to change, leave. World doesn't end with him.

 

And no, i doubt you are crazy.

 

I'm really, really thankful for your help and all answers. It is just a forum but I take all opinions really seriously and I am happy I could share my problems with someone.

I talked to him. He said he doesn't want to marry because he is scared that I will fool him and then make a revenge (ask for money and stuff like that). This all sounds silly for me.

I believe I am not innocent. The only difference is that I try to change. I also never hurt him with saying stupid things.