LifeIsGreat Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Seriously, I don't think YOU need to be more proactive. I think the issues are hers. If you need to be so proactive in a relationship then it's a relationship you don't want. Relationships need to be a 2-way street and there are too many women that are willing to do their part.
Author Kernal Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 I have been very proactive... Yes she hasn't allowed the relationship to progress but she does spend as much time with me as she can on the weekends.. I just need this for myself.. I guess I might need to get fed up with it to make it easier. Seriously, I don't think YOU need to be more proactive. I think the issues are hers. If you need to be so proactive in a relationship then it's a relationship you don't want. Relationships need to be a 2-way street and there are too many women that are willing to do their part.
Author Kernal Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 She accepted my invitation to go to dinner tonight
Author Kernal Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 We had a very nice evening. Picked her up at 630 and dropped her off at 930. We had a very good conversation and I really feel she enjoyed herself. Gave me a long kiss when I dropped her off.. Don't really know what I should do besides keep on enjoying our time together. I focused on being confident during the date. keep it fun and keep her laughing.
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 No invitation to come in? How's your sex life together? 1
Author Kernal Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) No.. I didn't expect to go in. It was 9:30 and both her and I get up at 4:30 am to go to work.. She drives an hour to work. She was yawning at dinner lol Sex is actually pretty awesome. On the weekends two-three times.. She actually made a comment how I don't have any problems in that department over dinner lol Maybe I have over reacted to her comments. She made the observation I was different than the man she normally dates... Then explained to me her needs.. Lifeisgreat said she is just feeling ambivalent about our relationship... It's at the six month point and now she needs to decide if I'm a long term relationship or a six month dater.. Does she want to continue to invest in me? Do I want to continue to invest in her? I really have a strong urge to have a talk with her. I need to tell her that I will never be like her ex husband and lay on the couch and she really needs me. She went out of her way to tell me that story to that must see important to her.she wants a man that is strong and will take care of her when she needs him and that's understandable. I really need to tell her I am that man cuz I am. I feel like she took the time the time to talk with me and I haven't responded Edited April 9, 2014 by Kernal
mikefromtheblock Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 No.. I didn't expect to go in. It was 9:30 and both her and I get up at 4:30 am to go to work.. She drives an hour to work. She was yawning at dinner lol Sex is actually pretty awesome. On the weekends two-three times.. She actually made a comment how I don't have any problems in that department over dinner lol Maybe I have over reacted to her comments. She made the observation I was different than the man she normally dates... Then explained to me her needs.. Lifeisgreat said she is just feeling ambivalent about our relationship... It's at the six month point and now she needs to decide if I'm a long term relationship or a six month dater.. Does she want to continue to invest in me? Do I want to continue to invest in her? I really have a strong urge to have a talk with her. I need to tell her that I will never be like her ex husband and lay on the couch and she really needs me. She went out of her way to tell me that story to that must see important to her.she wants a man that is strong and will take care of her when she needs him and that's understandable. I really need to tell her I am that man cuz I am. I feel like she took the time the time to talk with me and I haven't responded Sounds like she's protecting herself, and she should. But if you're genuine about your feelings sooner or later you will get her.
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I feel like she took the time the time to talk with me and I haven't responded I think you are mistaken on why she told you this story. I don't think she told you this because she is afraid you will turn into that kind of man. She knows you are not. She told you this story just because she felt like sharing it. I am her age, I cannot imagine she isn't mature enough to know you are not that man and I can't believe that after 6 months she doesn't already know you're not the type of man that would do that. Example: This weekend I was with my boyfriend and he asked me if I liked hockey. My reaction was instant I said NO I don't! he asked why I seemed to dislike it so much and I told him my ex and I never did anything on Saturday nights for 15 years because Saturday was hockey night. Did I tell this story because I don't want my new boyfriend to go to Hockey on Saturday? NO, did I tell this story to warn him I prefer a man that's not into sport? NO, I told him this story because it's just that, a story.
Author Kernal Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) Gaeta, I started to retype out what she told me that Saturday night but I know you know already since you read it previously. of course this conversation entailed more then just the story about her ex husband. She said I was different than the man she normally dates.. She dates type A's.. She said she thought I was one initially since I'm retired military. She talked about wanting to have a man to take care of her if Society fell apart and her concerns as to why I had been contacting my mother about our relationship you also have read that since then she texts me on her own. We went out on a great date last night and had dinner and laugh and talk. She held my hand and kiss me goodnight. Gaeta do you think I should address the conversation anymore or leave it be. And what do you think was her motivation telling me all this? maybe it was her way of explaining to me why our relationship hasn't moved past where it is now? when she sat down to have this talk it wasn't a casual conversation.. She had clearly Planned to have this talk please give me your thoughts. Her motivation is my ultimate question Edited April 9, 2014 by Kernal
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 Gaeta, Gaeta do you think I should address the conversation anymore or leave it be. And what do you think was her motivation telling me all this? maybe it was her way of explaining to me why our relationship hasn't moved past where it is now? when she sat down to have this talk it wasn't a casual conversation.. She had clearly Planned to have this talk please give me your thoughts. Her motivation is my ultimate question kernal, I don't know what motivates her but I know if you ask her she will answer you. I find that you make this too much about her and what she wants and not enough about you and what you need and want from a relationship. I feel you are ready to do anything and change anything about you to be accepted by her. That is a sign of emotional dependance on your part probably due to the fact you got in that relationship with her shortly after your divorce. It's not healthy or normal to be afraid of asking question to a woman you've been dating for 6 months. You are walking on eggshells and that is not a way of being in a relationship. So I am not going to sit there and assume what motivates her. I will tell you to talk to her. She talked, now it's your turn. Ask her where you stand in her life, as simple as that. If her answer is too vague or general ask her to elaborate. Ask her real questions, drop the game, we're too old for that . This weekend my boyfriend of 5 weeks asked me how I felt about him. I went in my head *ohhh sheet*, that's a huge question for a short relationship but he needed know, so I answered. Did I run away? of course not. It's a legitimate question. Some will need to ask after 1 month, some 3 months but at SIX months it's time you have this conversation with her, it's OVER DUE.
Divasu Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 This is all quite simple really... From the sound of it, your girlfriend want's SECURITY. She didn't have it in the past, and perhaps is terrified of making the same mistake. she wants a man that is strong and will take care of her when she needs him You can only show her so much through actions and words to demonstrate your commitment but at some point she has to get over her own insecurities and realize that you are not like the others who have let her down in the past.
Author Kernal Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 You know what I'm doing? I'm probing everybody and asking questions till they tell me what I want to hear. What I want to hear is that she is not going to break up with me and she was only talking about HER needs. The only one that knows the answers to my questions are her. 2
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2014 Posted April 9, 2014 I was thinking about your situation on my drive back home after work. I was thinking why would she not feel secure with you, who's a man her age, ex military, smart and devoted...but she felt secure with 2 older guys 58 years old, one millionaire and one pilot. If I had to stand behind someone during a zombie invasion I would stand behind you! Of course the zombie invasion was a figure of speech but still..... These 2 men she used as an example are what women would call 'powerful', that's what rocks her boat. I am fairly certain these men were arrogant, I would not be surprised if she misinterprets arrogance for confidence. When you ask her what restaurant she wants to go to she translate your kindness and consideration into indecisiveness, and arrogant man would say 'we're eating steaks tonight', that's not confidence, that's arrogance. 1
Author Kernal Posted April 9, 2014 Author Posted April 9, 2014 Yes they were powerful and she has described them as both being arrogant.. Hit the nail on the head.. The pilot threw her across the room into a table... Violent alcoholic.
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Yes they were powerful and she has described them as both being arrogant.. Hit the nail on the head.. The pilot threw her across the room into a table... Violent alcoholic. There you go, and we know violence and arrogance hide what? insecurities and a lack of confidence. Your girlfriend demands a confident man when she's doesn't know what it looks like. A good example is a pack of dogs. The leader of the pack doesn't bark, he imposes his dominance with his silent confidence, his stamina, and charisma. The nervous dogs, the weak ones, insecure ones, are the ones that barks loud and fight. Same with men.
BlueIris Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Ask her about work and listen. Offer to do something relaxing together like taking her to a spa. Bring her dinner one night and take massage oil. Show that you care or you aren’t, and won’t be, her go-to guy. On the other hand, if you just want someone to have fun with, back off until she wants to have fun again. When she started to tell you how much would be involved in painting the garage, you interpreted it as her not wanting you to help? You could have also interpreted it as her warning you about the work involved and you could have said, "No problem. We can do it." There’s a tendency in the men I meet (~45-60) to like to talk about their lives, challenges, the details of their day, and to be listened to and supported, but to not reciprocate. It's the single most depressing thing about dating in this age range, imo.
Author Kernal Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 I guess I'll just have to pick a time this weekend to talk to her.I don't think I should make a special trip there hello because it would make me look desperate and insecure. Which is pretty obvious that's how I feel right now
BlueIris Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 You know what I'm doing? I'm probing everybody and asking questions till they tell me what I want to hear. What I want to hear is that she is not going to break up with me and she was only talking about HER needs. The only one that knows the answers to my questions are her. But your asking her only adds to her pressures. Take the pressure cooker off- your fears and insecurities- and give to your girlfriend when she needs it. THAT is the essence of being strong and supportive and it makes people feel secure, that this is the person who has their back.
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 But your asking her only adds to her pressures. Take the pressure cooker off- your fears and insecurities- and give to your girlfriend when she needs it. THAT is the essence of being strong and supportive and it makes people feel secure, that this is the person who has their back. Were talking about 47 years old woman he's been dating for 6 months, NOT asking her is being insecure. At some point a guy needs to know where a relationship is heading. If she cannot have a conversation on where she stands, what she wants out of a relationship, then she is not relationship material. 1
mikefromtheblock Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 There you go, and we know violence and arrogance hide what? insecurities and a lack of confidence. Your girlfriend demands a confident man when she's doesn't know what it looks like. A good example is a pack of dogs. The leader of the pack doesn't bark, he imposes his dominance with his silent confidence, his stamina, and charisma. The nervous dogs, the weak ones, insecure ones, are the ones that barks loud and fight. Same with men. The alpha men. That is why rich and successful are the quiet ones in the room. They realize that alpha male is just a BS pattern to follow.
Author Kernal Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm doing. Try and be confident and secure. I've invited her to Grapevine to the wine fest on Saturday.. She might have to go into work Saturday night so let's see what happens.
quidproquo89 Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 Man that's a hard one. I'll state the obvious - she could be losing interest in you or interested in someone else. I am sure others wil dive into this as well. But I wanted to toss out another possibility to consider. You said she's in her 40's. I'm just tossing this out there but she might be entering pre-menopause. For some women that can be a fairly dramatic shift in the life as hormone levels decline. You mention insomnia and that's a side effect. As hormonal levels decline natural urges to "couple" (in the relationship sense) also decline. Some women going through still stage in life often desire more time alone and more defined boundaries. It is just bio chemistry. Google "gray divorce" for a better run down. I could be totally wrong on this but it is something to be mindful of. On the other hand, you are losing testosterone at the same time and this becoming more senstive and desirous of a closer emotional relationship. Yeah, nature's perverse strategy... Hope this helps! this begs the question, how do you keep someone interested. Partners just run off for almost every and no reason at all - whatever happened to this ride the waves and talk about whats wrong. Might be going overboard, but it seems that a lot of people find it easier to drop somebody than work through it. This case might not be like that, but I read and experience a lot that people would prefer to switch partners like they switch clothes because its inconvenient. Not being negative just stating an unbiased point. As for the op - your doing all you can and have asked her, I think twice, back off a little maybe leave it a weekend - she sounds like she needs a rest. Stay connected but she may be truthfully exhausted. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, in regards to her interest. I hope it works out, try to stay cool headed and mentally strong regardless of what happens. Hope it works out
Author Kernal Posted April 10, 2014 Author Posted April 10, 2014 (edited) I feel helpless.. I guess it's out of my hands.. I showed her the best of me.. Sometimes me isn't good enough. I think she's deciding now if I'm long term or short term.. Edited April 10, 2014 by Kernal
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 I feel helpless.. I guess it's out of my hands.. I showed her the best of me.. Sometimes me isn't good enough. I think she's deciding now if I'm long term or short term.. See, if you were a woman every body on here would jump on you saying you must have *the talk* it's been long enough, and you cannot keep on living with this daily uncertainties, and why waste time on a man that may not share your objective, six months is plenty of time, blahblahblah.
Divasu Posted April 10, 2014 Posted April 10, 2014 See, if you were a woman every body on here would jump on you saying you must have *the talk* it's been long enough, and you cannot keep on living with this daily uncertainties, and why waste time on a man that may not share your objective, six months is plenty of time, blahblahblah. Exactly. Personally I wouldn't wait 6 months to have a discussion if I thought the other person wasn't on the "same page". You're wasting your time by skating around the issue.
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