not even a relationship, and I'm still thinking of him 8 months on

[kodakgirl]

This probably seem so silly to those of you who are dealing with real loss, but I'm feeling very frustrated.

 

I'm 26 and have had very little relationship experience-- one LDR from 19-22, and that's it. I'm very sweet and quite attractive but I guess I've just fallen through the cracks. I've wanted very much to have someone, and I loved when I did, but I've really struggled to find that someone.

 

Finally, last May I wrote this fellow online. We exchanged a few messages and met up within a week. The first date was amazing. I'll feel lucky if I ever have another like it. We connected emotionally, intellectually, and were both very attracted to one another (afterwards I actually had the thought "I think I've met the man I'm going to marry). As luck would have it, in two days he was leaving the country for three and a half weeks but he wanted to see me again the day he left (even though he didn't really have the time), and we met for lunch and promised to be in touch. We were, and met up when he got back-- he actually got me a book from the country he was in, I'm in historical photograph and he got me a book of historical photos from the place. I melted.

 

Anyway, the next couple weeks were lovely... he'd always ask me for the next date before the current one was over, usually within two or three days. He always insisted on paying despite my protests (sometimes he'd let me buy coffee). We took four hours to have dinner (after we'd already both had long days at work)-- the waitress was teasing us about how absorbed we were in each other. We spent all afternoon at the park then went out of our way to have coffee after to have just another half-hour together. He was very busy but he would make a big effort to make time for me, even if it could only be an hour for lunch. It felt like everything I'd waited all this time for.

 

None of it was 'red flag' good-- no jumping to talking about the future, no "saying what I wanted to hear", no "too much too soon". In fact it was very, very slow. He didn't even kiss my cheek until our third date! We never came close to sleeping together. We saw each other every couple days (if he wasn't out of town, which he was a couple times, planned before he met me) but didn't feel the need to text or call in between, which is fine with me at an early stage like that. Everything felt perfectly natural and easy. I felt his actions could not be more clear that he really, really liked me.

 

Maybe 3 weeks after he got back from that trip (it's hard to know if I should count that time or not), he had a big issue with his work. He is doing a phD in physics, and managed to lose 4 weeks of data from the supercomputer (due to a stupid mistake on his part, but still, ouch). He was understandably super frustrated about this. He was already a bit behind on his work and felt he'd have to pretty much work 24/7 the next couple weeks to make up for this, which I understood (I do even more now after doing some of my own stuff with data). I'd just made him dinner that Sunday and he'd wanted to make me dinner that Tuesday, but in the wake of this changed it to coffee (understandable). He stayed a whole hour, putting his bad mood aside, and we spent a good chunk of it just looking into each other's eyes. He walked me to the train station even though it was the opposite direction he was going. The very next day he texted me just to say hi, which he'd never done before.

 

From then... I don't know what happened. I gave him space but texted to say hi and cheer him on every 2 or 3 days. Sometimes he texted back and sometimes he didn't; no big deal, I knew he was working hard and men especially can compartmentalize. But then when he was finally done... he didn't let me know until a couple days later when I was like, um, hello? He said we'd see each other that weekend, never contacted me about it, and when I finally asked him to just tell me what was up, he wanted to call me to talk. Upon calling me he wanted to see me in person for dinner the next day. I knew this wasn't good but we had a nice dinner, chatted and it felt all quite normal, I almost felt I'd been worried for nothing, till he ended it with "I'm just not looking for a relationship right now." To his credit, he was kind. I couldn't not cry, and he went and quietly paid for the meal and then walked with me until I said I'd better go. He did feel bad about it. I thought even sad, but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

 

I knew, of course, that 99% of the time "not looking for a relationship" means "not with you." But I felt this WAS that 1% where he meant it. I felt I understood-- the pressure had really been heating up for his degree long before the data thing. He said he wanted to be friends and again I thought this was one of those rare times it was true. I said I'd think about it. I did think about it and maybe two weeks later I wrote to say I did want to be friends, and thanked him for being kind and respectful in calling it off (I do admire he did it in person, at least). Honestly, I thought, all right, we'll be friends right now, and maybe in the future when his degree is done, it will all fall into place.

 

I then did act kind of stupid... I tried to text him once casully, in the spirit of being "friends" (before he'd responded to my email, though at least two weeks after I'd sent it). He was nice but said he wasn't ready for that yet... which to me implied he did have feelings, which made me feel maybe asking for another chance wasn't the worst idea ever, and I asked if I could write to talk about it and he said yes. It pretty much was the worst idea ever, I didn't hear from him for probably a month until I couldn't stand it anymore and asked him to just respond, and he pretty much just repeated that he wasn't looking for a relationship right now and he'd tried to say so the best way he could. I would love to say I never contacted him again but, er, I did, er, twice, trying to be just friendly, trying to build some bridge so at least we were in touch in case things ever changed. No response.

 

We'd only dated for about two months (much of which he spent overseas or working on data), never actually getting into a relationship. I thought I was being good and cautious, not letting my heart run away with me like it had in the past. By the end I was finally feeling it was safe to let go a bit and let my feelings grow, because he'd really proven himself to me. The end of it was incredibly heartbreaking to me. It felt almost as bad as the end of things with the ex I'd loved for years. I really, really felt I'd finally found what I'd been waiting for all this time. He was just what I wanted, and (I thought) he really, really liked me. It all felt so genuine and so real. It felt like one of those connections you get only a couple times in your life, if you're lucky. I thought he felt that too. It took months to even get mostly over him-- certainly longer than we actually dated for. I could not stop hoping he would realize and change his mind.

 

I finally went from "mostly" over him to "just about completely" over him when I found he was still on the dating site where we met. I had closed my profile but he hadn't, which wasn't a big deal at that stage. When I reactivated it I hid him. Finally, a couple weeks ago, while struggling to find a way to close the door entirely, I thought I should see if it was still there. Yep. With new pictures and updated text. Still looking for "long-term" as well as "short-term". It had been BS. It had been "not looking for a relationship with ME". I felt very very angry for about 24 hours then felt able to just throw it all out, to feel, all right, no reason for hope, no reason to believe it will be someday, he just wasn't that interested.

 

And yet... I still cannot get the damn guy off my mind. I STILL feel sad thinking about how great it all was, still frustrated he threw it away like he did, still confused about why. I want to just forget the whole thing, and I can't. I don't want to feel angry; I don't want to feel anything about him at all. But I just cried about him for the first time in a month... EIGHT MONTHS since the end!!! I never see him in everyday life, of course I deleted him from everything way back then, I hid his profile again, etc etc etc. I've gone on other dates (very nice, but no spark), re-done my OLD profile twice so now it is at the point where half my messages include "wow, I've never seen such an amazing profile". I'm very busy, in the second year of my masters, working on a thesis, I have two blogs and a novel and cats and friends and I STILL can't make him go away! I loved my ex with all my heart every day for three years, but eight months on I wasn't crying about him anymore, despite being more unhappily single than I am now and with my life generally in tatters. I know this guy wasn't that interested, and/or maybe he met someone else, and/or maybe he got scared of being in a real relationship, and that it doesn't matter anyway because the outcome is the same. I know I can't do anything to change his mind. I know I can find someone else at least as good or better. I know I'm fine single. I know I'm probably especially fixated on him because I haven't had tons of experience. I know and I know and I know but my heart still wants this idiot and I can't make it stop.

 

So, um, advice?

Edited March 30, 2014 by kodakgirl
clarification

[Secret Advisor]

Long post over something that never quite happened. It will pass.

[KaliLove]

Honestly, he probably wasn't ever all that interested, and he lost interest even more when you kept chasing him. He was just trying to let you down gently.

 

 

Sorry hon..

[guest572]

Well, your last 5 sentences sum up most of my thoughts on this. I dont have much advice but I can offer you my story which is similar.

 

i was 25 at the time, first "relationship" lasted a couple of months and I had fallen very quickly.. I feel like its very rare to find 2 people so compatible who just click instantly. Suddenly he revealed he wasn't ready for a relationship which crushed me. It took me 4 months to move on, as I found someone so much better who made me very happy (until he dumped me too but thats another story) and thereafter I barely thought of him until he contacted me which brought back the pain but occasionally got upset again even a year later. I guess this excuse "not ready" hurts less than "im not that keen and want to keep looking" but the truth always reveals itself sooner or later which is frustrating.