WhiteHeart Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Update on http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/402710-how-deal-self-loathing-self-doubt-after-affair It's is almost one year since I confessed to my H. I had been dreading the one year anniversaries but it's not been as bad as I imagined. My H and I are still together and things are going really well. It has been a tough year but I am pleased to be on the other side. I do feel that we are much stronger as a couple and my H has said similar. We are making plans for the future. We are looking for a new home and we have been trying for our first baby (I cannot believe how difficult it is to get pregnant, I was always led to believe it was easy). A huge concern in my last post was my H lack of reaction/ anger. For the most part this has not really changed. My H has still not shown any anger towards me. I have asked him a few times if he is bottling up any anger or negative feelings towards me and he says no. He says he only ever felt disappointment towards me and never anger. He has admitted that my confession and work with my therapist (which is still ongoing) has made the world of difference. He said in the early days he was unsure what to think, he was amazed at my honesty but disappointed by my actions. He maintains that he has never wanted to lash out or punish me. My H has always said that he wants to be my husband not my prison guard. He doesn't want either of us to dwell on the past. Instead he wants us to build a future together. He says our old relationship ended a year ago and that relationship was toxic. Our new relationship started a year ago and to prevent this one from turning toxic we need to learn from our previous mistakes. It has taken a lot of work with my therapist but I feel I have reached a point where I can look in the mirror and not feel the overwhelming urge to punish myself. I know I have done some terrible things and I know I can never undo those terrible things. I have accepted that. All I can do is concentrate on why I did those things and how I can prevent them from happening in the future. My therapist has been amazing. She is helping me work on self compassion at the moment. She says I need to learn to not only forgive myself for the things I have done but also stop blaming myself for everything wrong in the universe. I have told my H all this and he says that he has been trying to tell me this for years but I never listened. That is one thing I am trying to rectify, as well as being open and honest with people I am also trying to listen to them as well. It is really hard. I sometimes think life was easier when I was a hermit. My H has said that he has also learnt a lot from this experience. He has been concentrating more on himself and what he wants. He has spent the year trying to eat healthy and doing more exercise. He said that it has also made him rethink his priorities. He feels that if he spent less time worrying about work and money then I wouldn't have felt so isolated. I never know what to say to this. I have been told I cannot be held responsible for the whole thing, but at the same time I don't like him blaming himself for my actions. My H however seems to be quite positive and optimistic about the future so I guess that is the main thing. The only signs of anger my H has ever shown has been directed towards the exAP. I have not seen him in over a year but my H has seen him briefly about a month ago. My H said that he would probably beat him up if he ever saw him but when the time came he just walked past him. He did spend the rest of the day wondering if he did the right thing just walking past. My H hates thing being left unfinished and I think he has so many questions that only the exAP can answer but I cannot see the exAP ever coming out of hiding. I do think it may do my H some good to confront him but I don't think he would be able to control his anger so I've not mentioned it. The last thing I want is for any confrontation to make matters worse. All in all it has been a difficult but positive year. I do hope it continues but I suppose we shall have to see. I know I have a lot more work to do and that this will always be there but I hope as long as we continue to communicate and work together we can reach year two. I want to again thank everyone who contributed to my last post. You were all so helpful and it gave me so much to think about. 4
Bryanp Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 It sounds like you have come a long way. I hope you realize what an absolute amazing husband you have. He is absolutely one in a million. You have won the lottery when you married him. I hope you never take him for granted again. Good luck on your attempt to get pregnant. 1
Author WhiteHeart Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 It sounds like you have come a long way. I hope you realize what an absolute amazing husband you have. He is absolutely one in a million. You have won the lottery when you married him. I hope you never take him for granted again. Good luck on your attempt to get pregnant. Thank you, yes I know I am lucky to have such an amazing husband. I try my hardest to show my appreciation everyday.
excusememister Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Whiteheart... Your story is encouraging and heart lifting. Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best! 1
Sofie2013 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Congratulations on making it a year I hope you guys will be able to grow from this into a stronger couple. Also make sure you continue to show your husband he made the right choice by being the loving, caring wife he married. I wish you luck with having your first baby. 3
veritas lux mea Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I know what you mean about getting pregnant. Some women just have to say "baby time" and it happens. Some get pregnant while trying not to and then others like us it takes time. My advice is to not wait on seeing a doctor. So many peole say give it time but if you both get tested it may ease your mind! As to the other. Good job. My H and I are doing well too. For some people it is a smoother path and I think confessing usually helps more than hinders.It is definetly better than all the stories of digging and keyloggers and trickle truth, multiple ddays and gaslighting. 1
Author WhiteHeart Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Whiteheart... Your story is encouraging and heart lifting. Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best! Congratulations on making it a year I hope you guys will be able to grow from this into a stronger couple. Also make sure you continue to show your husband he made the right choice by being the loving, caring wife he married. I wish you luck with having your first baby. Thank you both for your replies. I know what you mean about getting pregnant. Some women just have to say "baby time" and it happens. Some get pregnant while trying not to and then others like us it takes time. My advice is to not wait on seeing a doctor. So many peole say give it time but if you both get tested it may ease your mind! As to the other. Good job. My H and I are doing well too. For some people it is a smoother path and I think confessing usually helps more than hinders.It is definetly better than all the stories of digging and keyloggers and trickle truth, multiple ddays and gaslighting. Ugh tell me about it, in the past week alone I have heard of 3 different women who just "fell" pregnant and it is getting harder to smile and say congratulations. H and I have kept trying for a baby a secret and neither of us thought it would be this hard. Thanks, it has been a real eye opener reading this forum over the year. It makes me realise how fortunate I am really. My story could have easily have been so different. I wish you and your H all the best.
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