OnceUponAGame Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 First off, I'll be honest and say I'm only a sixteen year old. And I'm sure romance is something not yet understood well by 'children'. Anyway, here's what's going on. I've been with a certain somebody for about eight months now. Before we got together, we often spoke to each other about how we were "Not clingy", "Independent", "Hardly affectionate", and "Not romantic". In the end, we got together. Unfortunately, all of those 'nots' turned out to be true for them. For the first few months it was fine, but then it progressed, drastically. They've become emotionally dependent and possessive. They constantly demand my attention and my affection - and sometimes those can be difficult to give. Especially affection. My parents aren't even heavily affectionate and touchy, so it's hard to act on something you don't know how to do, y'know? Anyway, it's gotten to the point where it's overbearing. It's just every other sentence is "I love you" and the words mean nothing to me now. We're only teenagers and yet they're already going on about the future all the time. Worst part is, we can't work anything out between each other, and if I try to raise my voice they're suddenly the victim. It's like I can't do anything I feel like doing anymore, because they get upset if the attention isn't on them. And they always apologize for everything! But are they the problem or is it me? It's something I've thought about for a while. I mean, I'm not the nicest person in the world or the most affectionate. I have a terribly short attention span and I'm pretty stubborn. I do get fussy really easily and I really have a hard time reciprocating affections and I don't say I love you all the time. Am I the one causing the issues?
AntiSocal Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Honestly for only 16 you are years ahead of your peers. When i was 16 i was in a similar relationship only i was the dependent one. And i don't think either of us realized how horrible the relationship was getting until it imploded. And no we're at a point where we can't even be friends. At the end of the day it doesn't matter whether you are right or wrong. Or whether you are a cruel or not. The only thing that should matter to you is your happiness. This guy is being too dependent and making you unhappy. Time to leave. Its gonna hurt for both of you. Gonna be hard for both of you. But you'll both be so much stronger for it. And its better to end it now on OK terms then to let it continue until you guys can't even stand the site of each other. He needs to grow up. I think most dudes go through this kinda thing during their first relationship. Being too clingy. So just dump him. He'll learn from his mistakes. If you really feel up to it write him a letter telling him why. Every detail of why/how he is being overbearing. Hopefully he'll change and you guys will be able to at least be friends after the fact. Either way just look out for you. I know you care about him, and don't want to be cruel, and don't want to hurt any feelings, and don't want to be looked at as a "mean girl". But forget all of that. You gotta preserve your own happiness first. If you're unhappy the relationship is just gonna crash and burn either way.
Goldenbrwn Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 You are both still young and he hasn't learned yet that in real life women don't actually like being showered with attention and affection like that. Sounds like he is really in love with you so it wont end well for him but he is going to need time and experience dating a lot of women to learn not to be so nice to them. When you guys break up do him a favor and tell him to go check out doc love's "the system".
shet Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 You're very careful to use gender neutral terms. I'm interested why? It's mildly amusing these other posters have just assumed they, is a he and you are a she. Prejudice exposed. Perhaps I see now why you used those terms after all. Kudos. Anyway. There's nothing wrong with what they do or with what you do, per se. They are affectionate, many people are. You are withdrawn, many people are that too. More are the former, although they sound a little overbearing with it, that will fade as they age. Your problem is a mismatched desire for intimacy and affection. As annoyed as you are, they are annoyed at your lack of responsiveness. My advice is that at your age, learning things like this is what it's about. Communicate with them, tell them what you just told us, including those negative elements of your own personality. Explain your emotional needs. Ask them about theirs. Talking about it long ago before you were together is one thing, talk about it now. Compromise. One personal footnote: I've been friends with, then dated someone perhaps like you, a woman. Even though I am not like your partner, she was cold and distant. Not just to me, but in life. She had difficulty being emotional, responding to emotion. It stemmed from parental issues, negative early romantic experiences and I believe, a psych disorder. I loved her very much but she seemed incapable of behaving like she loved me, even though I know she did in her head. It was a lot of effort. After we parted she went on to have a lonely life and got into some dark sexual **** that made me feel sick by association. I learned to avoid her personality traits like the ****ing plague, the same ones that drew me to her originally, and look for warmth from people instead. Emotional literacy and the ability to allow yourself to feel and express vulnerability is fundamentally important to functional enjoyable relationships. Young people can lack it. Older people can too. Because it's got to be learned, many people don't learn it in youth, some don't in age. I'm just putting it out there.
jaibon3 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I also noticed the gender neutral terms! So, I won't assume anything. You may only be 16, but you are well ahead of most 16-year-olds in maturity. Some people are just not very affectionate people. However, I think learning when to be affectionate is an important part of caring for someone. I also think that when you find the right person, you want to be affectionate with them. (But maybe that's just me!) Look up the 5 love languages, it might help you with your case. Physical touch isn't the only way to show love. However, in the end, I don't think your relationship is going to last, because it just seems like you're not on the same page. You are not cruel and the other person seems like they need to develop some self assurance. I would end it because, unfortunately, it sounds like the kindest thing to do.
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