Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 I suspect you aren't really, and that is what standing in your way. If you were practicing proper, uncompromising NC, it would work its magic and you wouldn't have to pour your heart out. First of all, that was a big assumption, not a question. No contact is not magic. There are people who have been in No contact for YEARS, and have not healed or moved on. Each person is different, and each situation is different. I think my question was reasonable and you have grossly overreacted. I don't see how I "grossly overreacted"! I politely stated that it is wrong to make assumptions and point fingers. I also encouraged constructive comments instead of anger and judgement. I am sorry if my reply offended you! Thank you for taking the time to read my thread and leave your feedback.
InnocentMan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Because every 2 or 3 weeks someone comes on here and says the exact same thing as you. And the result is almost always the same. So, we advise on what we think based on our own, and many, many others experiences. If you want to do what the majority of us here think is a bad idea, we are going to let you know. Usually, at first, kindly, then probably with some sarcasm. All in an attempt to save you from what we believe to be a very poor decision. This is an advice forum. Sometimes you aren't going to like the content, tone or message of said advice. To be fair, the majority of people that usually give advice in these threads, have done all the things that they advise to never do. They think because it didn't work for them, it can't work for anyone. They mostly have all got a finality, which they don't see fit to allow anyone else. There's plenty of valid reasons to remain 'no contact', but I haven't seen any as yet posted by the OP. The fact that her ex was the 'dumper', isn't a valid reason. He's reached out on more than one occasion, which she has so far ignored. This is bound to put doubt in her mind about whether she is doing the right thing. Of course personal experience is useful when giving advice, but it's not a one size fits all scenario. The funny thing is, half the people in this thread would probably take their ex back after one text message saying hi. 2
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 but don't make up arguments to try to manipulate people into seeing your point of view. Maybe you need to be dragged through the mud to realize how foolhardy your desire is. Who knows. wow! manipulate people?!!! That was the point of my previous post. Why do you think I am trying to manipulate a community of strangers online?! I am here to share what I think and share something my therapist advised and get your opinion on it. I can see that was a big mistake now! I wish people would be able to avoid such strong judgmental words and see the good in others. Not everyone is a manipulative liar.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 First of all, that was a big assumption, not a question. No contact is not magic. There are people who have been in No contact for YEARS, and have not healed or moved on. Each person is different, and each situation is different. The vast majority of people who can't let go are the ones that stay in contact. Much more than the example that you have come up with, which is extremely rare. Yes, each situation is unique on its own, but the overwhelming majority of those situations follow the same pattern. No Contact takes time. You are looking for the fast-food, instant-gratification type of healing it seems, which doesn't happen. If you are so against No Contact, you might as well just put your money where your mouth is and break it. I hope your situation is truly unique and you aren't one of the hundreds of dumpees that have their carcasses strewn in freeway ditches after trying what you want to try. But seriously, at this point just go for it. It's what you want to do, you argue like crazy against No Contact, so just sack up and do it already. I hope it works for you. 1
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Of course, there can be civil discourse, and it happens all the time. I had civil conversations with my ex, but it wasn't particularly helpful in the grand scheme of me moving forward. Here's the bottom line: Do you want to close this door for good? If you want to close it for good, then you don't need to be concerned with having any type of conversation with him again. The past only holds the value you assign it. He simply cannot give you the answers you want. You were in the relationship too, so you know what happened. Why can't that be good enough? One reason I don't feel good about you meeting with him is due to the types of crumbs you received. They sound sad on his part, but, so far, he hasn't been willing to actually make the leap to repair the relationship. I feel that it would just be a big, messy cry fest on by both parties at this point. Thank you BC1980. I really appreciate your comments, and I can see how the conversation can take the direction you mentioned. I am in a different continent now, and I have shut my ex out of my life completely. His messages are still sad though, and I certainly don't want this to be a "messy cry fest". This is definitely something to consider.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 wow! manipulate people?!!! That was the point of my previous post. Why do you think I am trying to manipulate a community of strangers online?! I am here to share what I think and share something my therapist advised and get your opinion on it. I can see that was a big mistake now! I wish people would be able to avoid such strong judgmental words and see the good in others. Not everyone is a manipulative liar. I have never said you lied. Why do you keep making up arguments?
SammySammy Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 But every situation is different, and nothing in this world is all good or bad. If only that were true. We would like to think our situation is different, but these stories have been told before. The people and details may be different, but it's amazing how remarkably similar all of these tales are. Remarkable how predictable the results of certain actions and behaviors are because, in the end, we're all human. You're really not that much different from the rest of us. 1
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) I have never said you lied. Why do you keep making up arguments? That was a general statement (I was referring to pickflicker's comment who did not believe I was doing no contact). But you did call me "manipulative". Now that's a very strong and bad word to call someone you don't even know. I do want to move on, and I am spending big money on therapy. This forum was helping me a lot to see things for what they really are. I am not arguing against NO contact so strongly, I am not looking for a magic fix, or "fast-food". I am confused and don't know what to do. I am looking for answers, and asking questions that pop into my head a million times a day. I do use the advice I get here, but I still have doubts, and I search for answers. There is nothing wrong or manipulative about that! I thought this forum was a platform to exchange experiences, constructive ideas, and share the way we truly feel. Now, that I am hearing all these negative comments, anger, and assumptions, I am questioning getting advice from certain people here!! Thank you all for your feedback. Edited March 29, 2014 by 4everalones
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 That was a general statement (I was referring to pickflicker's comment who did not believe I was doing no contact). But you did call me "manipulative". Now that's a very strong and bad word to call someone you don't even know. I do want to move on, and I am spending big money on therapy. This forum was helping me a lot to see things for what they really are. I am not arguing against NO contact so strongly, I am not looking for a magic fix, or "fast-food". I am confused and don't know what to do. I am looking for answers, and asking questions that pop into my head a million times a day. I do use the advice I get here, but I still have doubts, and I search for answers. I thought this forum was to exchange experiences, constructive ideas, and share the way we truly feel. Now, that I am hearing all these negative comments and assumptions, I am questioning getting advice from certain people here!! Thank you all for your feedback. Yes, I said you were trying to manipulate people by creating the "all dumpers are evil" argument out of thin air when that wasn't being argued. It's called "a strawman argument" where you create an argument out of context and argue against it to try to bolster your argument. It's typically used as a manipulation tool, hence my comment. If you don't like it, don't create strawmen. That, along with your tone, is a big reason why the comments are as "negative" as they are. You definitely seem to have a chip on your shoulder, and that's why some people have kind of jumped on you. Honestly, I know you don't want to hear it, but No Contact simply takes time and it's not a linear process. There are ups and downs and usually the 2-3 month portion of it is almost as tough as the initial stages because that's when the "oh s--t, this is for real" thoughts come in, which causes panic. Once you get through that stage, it gets much better. From what I remember from your other thread, you've been mostly in NC for three months, though you did break it six weeks ago, which basically reset it. This stuff takes time and you need to let that time do its work. It's not the easy answer, but most things worth doing are hard. You are better off being patient and trudging ahead -- it's like losing weight, paying off debt, or getting over a drug addiction. It takes time, it can be frustrating, but if you try to cut corners or fully relapse, you usually find yourself heavier, more in debt or more hooked than you were before.
bluegreen Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 OK am gonna make this short and sweet. Your therapist sounds like one from matchbox and thats about it. You can do all of this pound it on key board write it on a piece and paper and still follow her advice. You will produce your need feel better and go on from there or you can send it to him and be left with "more humiliation more unknown oh am not sure perhaps maybe geez I don't know b ... s... t and the end of it still is one thing. Rejection. He dumped you if he is not rock or an animal of course it hurts him to but He dumped YOU now I sound like hard core bitch but doll get it together. Few smart as hell people already gave up on you here do you think we are jealous of your non existent never gonna happen again romance ? Get your senses do the right thing N C
WYSWYG Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 PS: the breakup was amicable, we don't hate each other or anything, and he never ignores any message I send. Well, it sounds like there's still good communication between you two, so why not? I was in the same situation 3 years ago. I didn't know about NC and followed my heart. I was amicable w/ my ex and I wanted to win her back. It was a painful rejection but definitely put an end to all the hope and unanswered questions I had. Everyone here has a good intention of giving a helpful advice but eventually, it will be your call. I wish you luck....
BC1980 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I think that if you are going to break NC, go ahead and do it. I don't think you will get what you want by doing so, and I think you will still find some reason to hold out hope. But you might as well go ahead and do it if you are going to anyway.
guest572 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Yes, I have poured out my heart and have heard many times "I dont love you, we won't get back together". It actually has not helped me at all in letting go. I have had hours and hours of post breakup discussions. I still cant let go. I know its over but I cant believe it at times and still hold onto hope that he will come back. I think the only thing that can help me now is time. Maybe it is the same for you, but maybe talking to him will help. Perhaps it will cause more pain though. Maybe you should try to hold out for a little longer, see if anything changes..but if it is driving you insane perhaps it needs to be done. I wish you all the best. Oh and never mind all the bickering in this thread just take all the pieces of advice and you will come to your own decision. Good luck! Edited March 30, 2014 by Brightnight
BC1980 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Yes, I have poured out my heart and have heard many times "I dont love you, we won't get back together". It actually has not helped me at all in letting go. I have had hours and hours of post breakup discussions. I still cant let go. I know its over but I cant believe it at times and still hold onto hope that he will come back. I think the only thing that can help me now is time. Maybe it is the same for you, but maybe talking to him will help. Perhaps it will cause more pain though. Maybe you should try to hold out for a little longer, see if anything changes..but if it is driving you insane perhaps it needs to be done. I wish you all the best. Oh and never mind all the bickering in this thread just take all the pieces of advice and you will come to your own decision. Good luck! I did the same thing with my ex, and it took me months to realize how little it had helped me. Sometimes, the effect isn't immediately apparent because you are on the high of contact. 1
Kilty Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Pouring out your heart to someone rarely works after a break up and the worse thing about it is that its extends your healing time by some distance. You will have heard the phrase "There is very little you can do to get her back, in fact you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back" and that is the rub. Trust me as i did it and now wish i hadnt. First you pour out your heart and you get rejected and what follows is you usually say something you regret and it ends up a bad break up. I am 10 years split from my first love and i found out through work colleagues that she got married a couple of weeks ago to the next guy after me. It shouldnt affect me apart from a mild "what could have been" feeling but it is worse than that because of trying to get her back If i was you i would not do it
Sandy99 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I think your therapist is right. I had a break up and didn't speak to my ex for around three months. Now I know that in my last relationships my exes have actually helped me to get over them. I started talking to my ex again after the initial period of NC (which is crucial for not embarrassing yourself post break up) and it has done wonders for me. We have hashed out our differences over email and have plans to hang out again next month when we are living near each other. Please do what your therapist said. Talking it out with your ex is best if they are in fact willing to talk to you. Swallow your pride. If your ex was really something special to you then fight for it. If your ex was a loser and caused you nothing but trouble, forget about him or her and carry on with NC. It's never a black or white situation. You have to figure out what is best for you.
Strength in Healing Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I think your therapist is right. I had a break up and didn't speak to my ex for around three months. Now I know that in my last relationships my exes have actually helped me to get over them. I started talking to my ex again after the initial period of NC (which is crucial for not embarrassing yourself post break up) and it has done wonders for me. We have hashed out our differences over email and have plans to hang out again next month when we are living near each other. Please do what your therapist said. Talking it out with your ex is best if they are in fact willing to talk to you. Swallow your pride. If your ex was really something special to you then fight for it. If your ex was a loser and caused you nothing but trouble, forget about him or her and carry on with NC. It's never a black or white situation. You have to figure out what is best for you. Read exactly what she wrote here. AND DON'T DO ANY OF IT. 1
Sandy99 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 It worked for me, and apparently her therapist agrees! So don't be so quick to judge.
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 What good can came after doing this? Seriously? Some kind of closure or what? You'll feel much worse, humiliated, rejected, unwanted and your ex will feel much better. Don't allow this to happen, don't break NC. Another user once said that it's like going with your army to fight with someone that doesn't exist, it's like shooting at an empty field.
avacado Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yes, I did, and I'm glad I did. It was a good release to finally let her know how I felt. She responded very nicely but firmly, that we are in fact over and she appreciated what I had to say. I then re-instated NC and haven't spoken with her in a year. PS: These forums have a serious cult of NC going on, which I don't think is always advisable. Even my therapist, who has big in her field, scoffed at this notion of NC, saying she'd never heard of such a thing. I think it can be helpful to communicate to get closure before you go NC.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yes, I did, and I'm glad I did. It was a good release to finally let her know how I felt. She responded very nicely but firmly, that we are in fact over and she appreciated what I had to say. I then re-instated NC and haven't spoken with her in a year. PS: These forums have a serious cult of NC going on, which I don't think is always advisable. Even my therapist, who has big in her field, scoffed at this notion of NC, saying she'd never heard of such a thing. I think it can be helpful to communicate to get closure before you go NC. Its so franking annoying to read people call NC a cult. I'm annoyed to the extreme by it. Its a method to help someone MOVE ON!!!! No one is asking for blood splotches, scriptures readings, or mediation. Its meant to have the person cool down, evaluate their situation, and come out of the other side better than where they were. Not communicating with someone after a tragic event is very normal. Breakups are such. Your therapist hasnt heard of something like that? Closure comes from within, whether you want to believe that or not. YOU got it because you talked to her. If you DIDNT talk to her, you would have found it the same way. For you, thats great. Nothing is 100% effective. You can take birth control and still get preggo. With that said, MOST people dont respond very well to talking to their ex ESPECIALLY very soon after the initial breakup. Most people will write notes, call/text, send gifts, overcompensate for the fact they are heartbroken. Not everyone handles it like you. No Contact isnt some earthly remedy to make a breakup better. Breakups suck a**. For MANY, its used to calm down. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) ^^^ Damn. Beat me to it. LOL!!!! Ex's do not give closure. Only you can give yourself closure. Any communication with an ex will only lead to more manipulation, more questions, more pain and more confusion. I'd be a little concerned about a therapist claiming experience in relationship and breakup therapy who hasn't even heard of the NC idea. Edited April 1, 2014 by mtnbiker3000 3
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 ^^^ Damn. Beat me to it. LOL!!!! Ex's do not give closure. Only you can give yourself closure. Any communication with an ex will only lead to more manipulation, more questions, more pain and more confusion. I'd be a little concerned about a therapist claiming experience in relationship and breakup therapy who hasn't even heard of the NC idea. Great minds think alike http://i.imgur.com/SNII3.gif 1
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Your therapist is right about pouring your heart out to your ex, but you should have done this right after the breakup or during it, day one or 2 max, not now when it's too late. People call NC a cult or a religion in fact they are making excuses to break it. NC is for you, not for me not for LS it's just for you to MOVE ON. Stop depending on other people, why do you need closure from him ??? Closure comes from within not from your ex who will humiliate you even more...
KaliLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Its so franking annoying to read people call NC a cult. I'm annoyed to the extreme by it. Its a method to help someone MOVE ON!!!! No one is asking for blood splotches, scriptures readings, or mediation. Its meant to have the person cool down, evaluate their situation, and come out of the other side better than where they were. Not communicating with someone after a tragic event is very normal. Breakups are such. Your therapist hasnt heard of something like that? Closure comes from within, whether you want to believe that or not. YOU got it because you talked to her. If you DIDNT talk to her, you would have found it the same way. For you, thats great. Nothing is 100% effective. You can take birth control and still get preggo. With that said, MOST people dont respond very well to talking to their ex ESPECIALLY very soon after the initial breakup. Most people will write notes, call/text, send gifts, overcompensate for the fact they are heartbroken. Not everyone handles it like you. No Contact isnt some earthly remedy to make a breakup better. Breakups suck a**. For MANY, its used to calm down. You mean I don't get any KoolAde? *Pouting*
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