4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I got an advice from my therapist, and wanted to check with you guys before making any decisions. When my ex and I broke up 3 months ago, I never actually told him how I felt about the breakup, I never begged, pleaded, called, texted, or anything like that. I just went no contact. My therapist thinks that I am still holding on to false hope because I am not sure how he feels and keep on wondering and speculating. She said that "In order for you to really move on you should get it out of your chest and tell him how you feel, then you can be in peace". I did write letters that I never sent but it's not helping that much. So, she thinks that talking to him and facing the reality of his feelings will help me see things for what they really are (either negative or positive). I am just curious. Have you told your ex that you miss them and wish the relationship never ended after a period of NC? what was the outcome? PS: the breakup was amicable, we don't hate each other or anything, and he never ignores any message I send.
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 How can he not ignore any message you send if you went straight NC since the breakup? That's confusing... Anyways, you can break NC and learn the hard way it is over for a fact, or just accept it's over and move on. Either one is painful, one adds extra pain. 2
toonormal Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I am just curious. Have you told your ex that you miss them and wish the relationship never ended after a period of NC? what was the outcome? I have done this. It was a great ego boost for my ex who responded with we're bad for each other, it's over, etc etc move on with your life 1
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 How can he not ignore any message you send if you went straight NC since the breakup? I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough (I assumed everyone knows the story). I was in very low contact with him for a while to arrange logistics and a bunch of "how are you?" messages. I also met him when I left the country. Been in no contact since February 10th. I haven't pleased him to come back, told him how I felt or anything. I just accepted his decision and kept my feelings to myself. My therapist stated that it would be painful if he's not interested. But it's a necessary step to face the facts, and move on. She thinks it's the only way because I am still stuck in the denial phase for months. I don't really know what to do though. I am afraid to make any wrong move and have regrets later!!
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 I have done this. It was a great ego boost for my ex who responded with we're bad for each other, it's over, etc etc move on with your life did hearing that help you accept the breakup and move on?
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I begged the first two serious relationships. First one, the begging ended in failure and anger, the second one ended in failure and pain. It helped me move on from the first one because of the anger, but I never FULLY moved on from the second one. Her name was Chrissy, and I still dream about her years later. There was nothing I could have done or said that would have diminished the pain most likely, but if I would have stayed full NC, maybe I'd have healed a little better.
VeronicaRoss Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I got an advice from my therapist, and wanted to check with you guys before making any decisions. When my ex and I broke up 3 months ago, I never actually told him how I felt about the breakup, I never begged, pleaded, called, texted, or anything like that. I just went no contact. First, I love your therapist! What a wise person. Yes, go have the conversation now. I consider myself a pretty open person but I found out I had communicated very little with my ex's. I assumed a lot about what they knew and what they felt. That was a big mistake. Decades later we all still had a lot of painful misconceptions, luckily I've been able to talk with many of them at this late stage in life when we're all more confident. It would have saved so much confusion and pain if we had communicated more. In one case we had no idea how much the other meant so we broke up. He said, "You set them free and if they love you they'll come back." My response to him was "I didn't know there was anything to stay with or come back to." He never acted like he cared when I left. He said he thought of me as his soulmate even all these years later and at times memories of me negatively affected his sex life with his wife. Don't do that to yourself. I was able to explain to him why I was unhappy being with him. This time I was very direct and specific. Talking with him decades later I could see the things that drove me away then were still true and I felt much better about my decision too. To this day he uses other women to make his wife feel jealous, just like he did with me. My soul-mate patina got ruined in that conversation and he left it feeling a lot more appreciative of his spouse of almost 25 years. I've got a few more stories like that on both sides, it can be the mystery and fantasy that keeps you hooked. Kill the mystery and fantasy with a little reality. Listen to your therapist. It will let you love whoever is next so much more. 2
sooshi Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Are you holding onto any hope of reconciliation? It seems like it if you're still wishing the relationship didn't end. It's up to you what you do, but telling him that you miss and that you wish the relationship never ended probably won't do you any good. The relationship HAS ended, whether you wish it or not. If you tell him these things, it may push him further way... which is probably in your best interest anyway. It absolutely sounds like you're still holding on and sending him messages is only keeping you stuck. If you want to tell him these things, be prepared that it will not give you closure that you think it'll provide. You know you miss him and that you wish the relationship didn't end. You can acknowledge and accept that, but also acknowledge and accept that it HAS ended. That it's done. You don't need to tell him this. You don't need to tell him anything, and it's best that you don't. 1
SammySammy Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough (I assumed everyone knows the story). I was in very low contact with him for a while to arrange logistics and a bunch of "how are you?" messages. I also met him when I left the country. Been in no contact since February 10th. I haven't pleased him to come back, told him how I felt or anything. I just accepted his decision and kept my feelings to myself. My therapist stated that it would be painful if he's not interested. But it's a necessary step to face the facts, and move on. She thinks it's the only way because I am still stuck in the denial phase for months. I don't really know what to do though. I am afraid to make any wrong move and have regrets later!! You can face the facts and move on without groveling in front of him. 2
toonormal Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 did hearing that help you accept the breakup and move on? Yes, actually. I would say learning to hate my ex was the only way to go. Now I see her and know that I don't want her in my life. It feels so much better than that looming feeling of having broken it off incorrectly.
iDrumKing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Like sooshi stated, you expressing your opinions to each other is beating a dead horse and will bring nothing but more emotions. Don't do that to yourself. 3
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Like sooshi stated, you expressing your opinions to each other is beating a dead horse and will bring nothing but more emotions. Don't do that to yourself. I agree. That's the difference between therapists and psychologists -- one knows what they're doing. 3
lamis Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Obviously your therapist knows you better than we do, and with the knowledge he or she has about you may have recommended this course of action, despite the fact that it is kind of against the rules of recovery. If you are having doubts about doing it, talk to your therapist about it next time you see them, otherwise I think doing it isn't a bad idea. When my ex broke up with me, within the next 24 hours we both sent eachother long "heart pouring out" letters, explaining how we felt, our regrets, and all of these things. We have been NC since, but I do think that doing that may have helped. It is hard for me to know because we did it so soon after our break up, but it is nice to have the closet thing to closure that you can have. I appreciated her letter, and she appreciated mine, and it helped put things in perspective and turn off that relationships tunnel vision. Maybe since it has been a while for you it is a little more dangerous because it could you back at square one, but it sounds like you haven't really been healing right anyway if you are still struggling so much. So basically, do what your therapist says, and if you have doubts, talk to your therapist about it, not a bunch of people on Loveshack who don't know you as well. 2
FortunateSon Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I got an advice from my therapist, and wanted to check with you guys before making any decisions. When my ex and I broke up 3 months ago, I never actually told him how I felt about the breakup, I never begged, pleaded, called, texted, or anything like that. I just went no contact. My therapist thinks that I am still holding on to false hope because I am not sure how he feels and keep on wondering and speculating. She said that "In order for you to really move on you should get it out of your chest and tell him how you feel, then you can be in peace". I did write letters that I never sent but it's not helping that much. So, she thinks that talking to him and facing the reality of his feelings will help me see things for what they really are (either negative or positive). I am just curious. Have you told your ex that you miss them and wish the relationship never ended after a period of NC? what was the outcome? PS: the breakup was amicable, we don't hate each other or anything, and he never ignores any message I send. Has your ex moved on to a new relationship that you know of? This could be a potentially devastating set back, would you be ready for that? Tread carefully, it might be wise to discuss these possibilities with your therapist before proceeding.
InnocentMan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Assuming you have a competent, professional therapist, I'd be more inclined to follow their advice than a bunch of randoms on the internet. They will also have the benefit of knowing more of the story, and your situation, than what you have written here. The advice given out on sites such as this one, can often be blinkered, and too closely related to the posters own personal experience. Although mostly well meaning, it's often not the best for your own unique situation. Ambiguous break-ups, with no major reason for the parting can be among the most difficult to recover from. If you have accepted the break-up, then the worst thing that can happen is a confirmation of the permanence of the situation. This may help you move on. If you do decide on contact, I would refrain from being overly emotional, and be as pragmatic as possible. After discussions with your ex, it may become clearer in your mind why a permanent break-up is best for both parties. As a cautionary note, be prepared for him to tell you things you may not like, or want to hear. Also be prepared for the fact that he well have met someone else. The secret of breaking no contact, is to have full control of your emotions, and be clear in your mind about why you wish to speak to them. Be prepared for the worst, and accept it before it happens, and you will get through it with your dignity still intact. 3
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Are you holding onto any hope of reconciliation? It seems like it if you're still wishing the relationship didn't end. It's up to you what you do, but telling him that you miss and that you wish the relationship never ended probably won't do you any good. The relationship HAS ended, whether you wish it or not. If you tell him these things, it may push him further way... which is probably in your best interest anyway. It absolutely sounds like you're still holding on and sending him messages is only keeping you stuck. If you want to tell him these things, be prepared that it will not give you closure that you think it'll provide. You know you miss him and that you wish the relationship didn't end. You can acknowledge and accept that, but also acknowledge and accept that it HAS ended. That it's done. You don't need to tell him this. You don't need to tell him anything, and it's best that you don't. well yeah, that is the problem. I am still wondering what he's thinking/feeling. I am having such a hard time to let go even though I'm following No Contact. I have not been sending him messages or anything. In fact, he contacted me recently on my birthday and I just ignored his message. I know that the relationship has ended, but hope of reconciliation is still there. For some reason, I still believe he cares about me. The therapist suggests that hearing what he has to say might give me some perspectives (since right now, all I do is speculate and overanalyze what happened).
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 You can face the facts and move on without groveling in front of him. Obviously that didn't work out so well. I know the relationship has ended, but I still wish and hope he'll come back. Don't know how to erase such 'false' hopes! I am suffering is silence. He does not know about any of this. As far as he knows, I'm doing great and have already moved on.
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Has your ex moved on to a new relationship that you know of? This could be a potentially devastating set back, would you be ready for that? Tread carefully, it might be wise to discuss these possibilities with your therapist before proceeding. No, he hasn't moved on to a new relationship. We're both single and both suffering. Perhaps that's what's keeping my hopes up. I don't know. I am seeing my therapist next week. I will talk to her about this again. I don't want to make a huge mistake and increase my suffering!!
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Obviously that didn't work out so well. I know the relationship has ended, but I still wish and hope he'll come back. Don't know how to erase such 'false' hopes! I am suffering is silence. He does not know about any of this. As far as he knows, I'm doing great and have already moved on. You need to understand, it is time, not facts per se, that will defeat those hopes. You could send him 1000 messages or love notes, and he could say 1000 different ways it's over, but you still hold onto hope. TRUST me, I still hold onto hope. Time and NC is all that works. Tell your therapist to go get a doctorate in psych. 1
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Time and NC is all that works. Tell your therapist to go get a doctorate in psych. You just admitted that you still hold on to hope of getting your ex back after years. How is time going to help me let go then? and lol, you really have a problem with therapists. Bad experiences I guess
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 You just admitted that you still hold on to hope of getting your ex back after years. How is time going to help me let go then? and lol, you really have a problem with therapists. Bad experiences I guess Never been to a therapist, but am getting a doctorate in psych, and I see in examples like yours where their lack of education causes them to give faulty advice. My most recent serious relationship also saw a therapist, and her advice / lack of knowledge drove me up a wall sometimes, though I would often not tell my ex because I felt like perhaps the placebo effect that the therapist had any semblance of an idea what she was talking about, may somehow benefit my ex. I hold onto hope for ONE out of them ALL, and that's because she was incredibly special to me. She may not be that great to everyone, but to me she was one of a kind. THAT'S why I hold onto hope. Every other serious relationship where I contacted them, it made it worse and I should have just went NC and let time heal. In my most recent relationship after dating 4 years I went NC and realize from experience it is the ONLY way to go, and although I still have some hope for her, I realize it diminishes with time.
lamis Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Time and NC is all that works. Tell your therapist to go get a doctorate in psych. I might regret this in the extremely unlikely chance that you have a doctorate in psychology yourself, but you are giving advice without said doctorate, and probably without training as a therapist or anything else. The therapist is more qualified than you to comment/advise on these things because he/she knows the OP better, and because they, you know have some training on how to deal with things like this. Obviously this is a place for every day people to give advice, but at the same time trying to belittle the advice of a trained professional because you think yours is better is a little silly. Give your two cents and all, but to say the better-trained better-informed therapist is wrong because he/she disagrees with your own personal approach? Takes some cajones to do. EDIT: I see now that you're working on the aforementioned doctorate. Nevertheless, the therapist is still better informed and probably also has more experience than you do in this situation. 1
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) I might regret this in the extremely unlikely chance that you have a doctorate in psychology yourself, but you are giving advice without said doctorate, and probably without training as a therapist or anything else. The therapist is more qualified than you to comment/advise on these things because he/she knows the OP better, and because they, you know have some training on how to deal with things like this. Obviously this is a place for every day people to give advice, but at the same time trying to belittle the advice of a trained professional because you think yours is better is a little silly. Give your two cents and all, but to say the better-trained better-informed therapist is wrong because he/she disagrees with your own personal approach? Takes some cajones to do. EDIT: I see now that you're working on the aforementioned doctorate. Nevertheless, the therapist is still better informed and probably also has more experience than you do in this situation. I respect your opinion, it is valid. They may have more experience with the topic creator, but rest assured, I have more experience in the human mind. I'm well aware that comes off as arrogant, but if this topic creator is on the fence, she needs to know my qualifications versus a therapists (which last I checked, you can become one with a bachelor's). I do this because I am trying to save her from unnecessary pain. Please try to understand that. If she reaches out, it isn't going to remove her lingering hope. It will just be a glitch in the inevitable NC, with not really anything to show for it... Sure, she could reach out to say she forgives him. Or she could reach out to say she wants him back. Or she could reach out to say she hates him. The fact is, he is gone, and isn't trying to get back with her. It is irrelevant what she has to say, he clearly isn't on the edge of his seat wanting to hear it. Edited March 29, 2014 by Strength in Healing
InnocentMan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I respect your opinion, it is valid. They may have more experience with the topic creator, but rest assured, I have more experience in the human mind. I'm well aware that comes off as arrogant, but if this topic creator is on the fence, she needs to know my qualifications versus a therapists (which last I checked, you can become one with a bachelor's). I do this because I am trying to save her from unnecessary pain. Please try to understand that. If she reaches out, it isn't going to remove her lingering hope. It will just be a glitch in the inevitable NC, with not really anything to show for it... Sure, she could reach out to say she forgives him. Or she could reach out to say she wants him back. Or she could reach out to say she hates him. The fact is, he is gone, and isn't trying to get back with her. It is irrelevant what she has to say, he clearly isn't on the edge of his seat wanting to hear it. With all due respect man, you're making a hell of a lot of assumptions, based on what little info that the OP has given. Regardless of her therapists skills, they probably know more about what caused the initial break-up etc. Complete no contact isn't always the best solution. You as a psych student should be aware of that. You are aware that some people actually do get back together after a break-up, especially when no-one else is involved. 1
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 With all due respect man, you're making a hell of a lot of assumptions, based on what little info that the OP has given. Regardless of her therapists skills, they probably know more about what caused the initial break-up etc. Complete no contact isn't always the best solution. You as a psych student should be aware of that. You are aware that some people actually do get back together after a break-up, especially when no-one else is involved. Good point. Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen, or have you even ever HEARD of a healthy relationship that got back together after breaking up by the dumpee begging (when they didn't do something horrible to cause the breakup)? Think about it. Though if you'd prefer to see if I'm right or not, let's do this: Topic creator, reach out to your ex and say what you want to say. Then wait until the initial anesthetic effect of speaking to your ex wears off, and please report back: 1. What he said 2. What you now feel 3. If you regret it.
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