Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Have you ever seen, or have you even ever HEARD of a healthy relationship that got back together after breaking up by the dumpee begging (when they didn't do something horrible to cause the breakup)? Think about it. Though if you'd prefer to see if I'm right or not, let's do this: Topic creator, reach out to your ex and say what you want to say. Then wait until the initial anesthetic effect of speaking to your ex wears off, and please report back: 1. What he said 2. What you now feel 3. If you regret it. The therapist did not recommend begging or pleading. I'm not going to cry or have a breakdown should I contact me ex again. The conversation would be about why the breakup happened, how he feels about me and the whole situation right now, and where he sees "us" in the future. My ex wanted to have this conversation and I said no. Now I have regrets. I talked to the therapist numerous times, and she believes that in my case, it would be best to get the facts from my ex so that I can stop speculating and wondering for months and months. She recommended an open discussion short between two adults. No one is begging, or screaming, or loosing their dignity. It is expected that he'll tell me that he cares about me as a person but does NOT want a relationship with me. Hearing it from him will stop the pinning over the past and wondering. I do appreciate the advice I get here a lot, which is why I seek it before I make any moves. Sometimes, people's experiences can be the best guide.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I just recently broke 32 days of NC and found out how shallow my ex really is. She wasn't upset that I contacted her but the root of her hostility was that I removed her from facebook a month and a half ago. Facebook! She called it a ridiculous and immature act because she did nothing wrong to me. I guess giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment are not wrong in her eyes. I was mentally exhausted from trying to fix something that was broken and was getting nothing in return from her. Basically, she wanted me to be friends with her and act civilly when she ignored everything from me. So yeah, breaking NC was actually a good thing for me because it showed me that she wanted me to continue being her doormat while she continued to give me the silent treatment in real life. It all sounded so shallow from her to base her argument on friggin facebook and I am glad to have a clear understanding of her mental instability. 1
InnocentMan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Good point. Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen, or have you even ever HEARD of a healthy relationship that got back together after breaking up by the dumpee begging (when they didn't do something horrible to cause the breakup)? Think about it. Though if you'd prefer to see if I'm right or not, let's do this: Topic creator, reach out to your ex and say what you want to say. Then wait until the initial anesthetic effect of speaking to your ex wears off, and please report back: 1. What he said 2. What you now feel 3. If you regret it. Contact with an ex doesn't have to involve begging, or a hope that a reconciliation will occur. The sudden ending of a relationship can be quite traumatic to a lot of people. A clear understanding of the reasons that it's ended can be helpful in moving on. It may well backfire, if she lets her emotions run away, but her ex seems like a reasonable chap, considering he still wished her a happy birthday etc. I'm from the school of, it's not over until someone meets someone else. That's the only time I would advise a complete no contact scenario. Most other issues can be resolved. Either with a reconciliation, or a resolution that is acceptable to both parties. Living in this limbo land is clearly troubling the OP. 2
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 My prediction - your ex is going to tell you he's not sure what the future holds..you're going to cling even tighter to the hope..you're not going to move on..and it's going to slap you in the face when he gets a new girlfriend. It's going to multiply the amount of pain you're in by a million, and you'll have wasted precious time waiting around when you could have been healing. As other posters have said..reconciliation only works when you begin a brand new relationship, not when you try to resuscitate a dead one. You have to accept that your old relationship is dead and move on from it before you can start a new one with him or anyone else. I speak from experience. Lots and lots of experience. 1
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) Barky where are you? Will you come into this topic? Look, you got too caught up on my words. You aren't begging, but you have HOPE THAT YOU TWO WILL SOMEDAY RECONCILE. Therefor, your actions by default, i.e., reaching out to him -- will in some way serve that goal. So whilst you won't literally beg, you are begging passively. Listen to Kali too, she knows what she is saying. Please, listen to me, you aren't going to get him back. You are reaching out to someone who isn't reaching out to you. Please, barky, come here... Edited March 29, 2014 by Strength in Healing
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Barky where are you? Will you come into this topic? Look, you got too caught up on my words. You aren't begging, but you have HOPE THAT YOU TWO WILL SOMEDAY RECONCILE. Therefor, your actions by default, i.e., reaching out to him -- will in some way serve that goal. So whilst you won't literally beg, you are begging passively. Listen to Kali too, she knows what she is saying. Please, listen to me, you aren't going to get him back. You are reaching out to someone who isn't reaching out to you. Please, barky, come here... Ooh, that sounds nice..I like that! Look, OP, you've gotten enough advice at this point. I know you want to do this because you'll get the instant gratification of a response, but if you truly believe you two have any hope of rekindling a relationship than approaching him now would be a huge mistake. You have to get to a point where you know you'll be ok with or without him (and you will..of course you will). That's when you make your move (if you still want to..you might not). That way if it works, fantastic, and if it doesn't, it stings a little but it's not devastating and you can move on knowing that you tried and it just wasn't meant to be. For those of you out there who think we're all just a bunch of negative nellies here who think reconciliation is impossible, you're wrong. It's just that everyone wants to believe they are the exception to the rule, but it wouldn't be a rule if it wasn't the most common outcome. In 90% of cases, reconciliation doesn't work. Maybe it works for a while but not in the long run. The 10% who get their ex back and stay with them can only do it once they've moved on and that takes time. You can't build a healthy relationship on the foundation of one person chasing another and pestering or guilting them into being together. It won't work. If someone dumped you, even if they still love you, they most likely did it for a damn good reason and problems that end relationships can't be solved overnight. You have to fix those problems before you can think about starting over. You can't bring people back from the dead and you can't bring relationships back from the dead. Whew..rant over! 3
crazybestie101 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I got an advice from my therapist, and wanted to check with you guys before making any decisions. When my ex and I broke up 3 months ago, I never actually told him how I felt about the breakup, I never begged, pleaded, called, texted, or anything like that. I just went no contact. My therapist thinks that I am still holding on to false hope because I am not sure how he feels and keep on wondering and speculating. She said that "In order for you to really move on you should get it out of your chest and tell him how you feel, then you can be in peace". I did write letters that I never sent but it's not helping that much. So, she thinks that talking to him and facing the reality of his feelings will help me see things for what they really are (either negative or positive). I am just curious. Have you told your ex that you miss them and wish the relationship never ended after a period of NC? what was the outcome? PS: the breakup was amicable, we don't hate each other or anything, and he never ignores any message I send. Seems like my story. I didnt take it hard until after one month of BU. But When i went on pouring out heart, it was one of the worst decision i ever made. I did crazy stuff , this is worse than initial stage of begging , texting , pleading whatever you want to call. To me , i think its crazy like after 3 months , you reappear with what , why question. By 3 months , you should be slowly recovering and trying to accept that its over. Not the other way around. Your ex might think you crazy , will even avoid you ever if you do it. So listen what people have to say. I did same thing" reached out " after one month. My ex think me as crazy ex , he has never reached out after i poured out my heart. He even blocked me from everywhere. Even like yours , my ex never ignored anything even after BU until this disaster happen!
innocentbutterfly Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) pouring your heart out what I think will do will be just boosting your ex's ego, because he will see you still care and at the same time maybe thinking after he listens you that you dont see him as a bad person. even though you stayed friends its hard not to be angry too, theres also this phase in moving on. And I did something even more stupid when my ex that i lost virginity to left me. I 1st went all angry and he blocked me. all i got was go your own way and block, everywhere. I sent him tons of messages over whole week after breakup up pleading, begging, even insulting a bit later because I got angry, only to be ignored. Then i sent a stupid birthday gift wanting a kind of closure like you, talking it out, because I hoped and believed he will then contact me and he will tell me he missed me too - YEAH RIGHT!. And it couldn't be more stupid. when i was already through hardest time of letting go I got him to talk to me again only to learn the nasties I didn't know he was doing the whole time when we wrent even together yet. It explained many thing and I was shocked how he had cam sex with new old woman just 2 weeks after leaving me. and he acted like he is a damn boss, controlling my emotions like he always did. He initiated sex chats and stuff and reminisced with no intention of ever going back together, he stopped loving me long ago, he just liked me still for sex. However...don't do it. Rather tell it to your shrink or whoever, exes arent there to support you REALLY, even if they act so, its more like pity and feeling of obligation to maybe hear u put FOR THEM to feelk like they did the right and not a bad thing. Dont boost his ego. Dont talk to him. Me trying to stay 'friends' after no contact went all the wrong way but that. I learned so many things about him he grosses me now, so I got a kind of closure. But that doesn't mean there wasnt repeated pain getting to it. Its not worth it. I'm 19 days NC already and I never felt better. I could care less if he ever contacts me and if he does I dont even wanna talk with this immature prick. just forget it and keep in mind while you're here suffering he's there not even thinking about you. So you do the same. Edited March 29, 2014 by innocentbutterfly
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I don't want to make a huge mistake and increase my suffering!! IMO - This is exactly what you will do. Pain from his rejection. Or stay in limbo with hopes that will never be realized because he doesn't come right and reject you. Either way, it's a lose lose for you. Kinda surprised your therapist recommended this. Unless you are so damn strong that you won't be hurt by his words and actions... You give yourself closure. You stay NC to heal and eventually move on. You absolutely do need to contact him to blab your emotions out for him. This isn't Hollywood and it won't do anything except bring you down even lower. I guess if you (and your therapist) think that will help, then go for it??
BC1980 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I think you are expecting the nearly impossible. You want your ex to give you answers and shut the door for you by saying it will never work. It would be great if that wound happen, but it probably won't work out that way. Most people aren't going to say NEVER. Also, his reasons for the breakup with be vague and nebulous. I almost want you to go ahead and talk to him though, so you can see for yourself how futile it will be. Maybe that is what your therapist is getting at. I went through a lot of this and was stalled in my healing because I kept wanting answers. I never did find what I was looking for.
SammySammy Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Obviously that didn't work out so well. I know the relationship has ended, but I still wish and hope he'll come back. Don't know how to erase such 'false' hopes! I am suffering is silence. He does not know about any of this. As far as he knows, I'm doing great and have already moved on. Letting go of the false hope is a decision. Right now, you're deciding to hold on. There is no magic in going to him and laying all of this stuff on the table. After it's all over, you're still going to have to decide to let it go. He doesn't hold the key to your peace of mind and well-being. You hold the key to that. You're giving him far too much credit and power over your state of mind. Nothing is going to change until you take that power back whether you go to him or not. 4
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I almost want you to go ahead and talk to him though, so you can see for yourself how futile it will be. Maybe that is what your therapist is getting at. Woot woot. All aboard the pain-train. Next stop: Suckville. Population: you 3
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I think you are expecting the nearly impossible. You want your ex to give you answers and shut the door for you by saying it will never work. It would be great if that wound happen, but it probably won't work out that way. Most people aren't going to say NEVER. Also, his reasons for the breakup with be vague and nebulous. I almost want you to go ahead and talk to him though, so you can see for yourself how futile it will be. Maybe that is what your therapist is getting at. I went through a lot of this and was stalled in my healing because I kept wanting answers. I never did find what I was looking for. Me too. Nearly 3 years of it. My ex STILL hasn't closed the door completely (though I don't speak to him anymore), but I'm moving on with a new guy who, so far, seems to be pretty cool.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I think it's a horrible idea, but I think BC1980 has a point. I would bet that your therapist wants you to do it simply so you can see how useless and counterproductive the enterprise is. It will cause more pain and/or confusion, but maybe that's what you need to experience right now because you seem to have no interest in recovering and moving forward. You are using NC as a "wait-out" game instead of as a tool to work on yourself and evolve, which is what it is meant to be. Anyway, best of luck. You seem determined to leap forward into the chainsaw. 3
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Woot woot. All aboard the pain-train. Next stop: Suckville. Population: you Not you BC, I meant the OP 3
mantlefan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I was completely open with her for a couple months, writing her every two weeks, getting together to talk once or twice. All I got in return was a lot of wasted time and a lot of lies from her, which, once I found the truth, the fact that I had been deceived so thoroughly hurts just as bad as losing her did. EDIT: I guess I have a good-ish feeling that I left nothing unsaid. Not sure how much consolation is in that at this point.
BC1980 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Letting go of the false hope is a decision. Right now, you're deciding to hold on. There is no magic in going to him and laying all of this stuff on the table. After it's all over, you're still going to have to decide to let it go. He doesn't hold the key to your peace of mind and well-being. You hold the key to that. You're giving him far too much credit and power over your state of mind. Nothing is going to change until you take that power back whether you go to him or not. This is correct. Letting is a decision you must make everyday until it becomes who you are. For months, I held onto hope until I realized that it was actually up to me, and me alone, to move on. 1
pickflicker Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 No, he hasn't moved on to a new relationship. We're both single and both suffering. Perhaps that's what's keeping my hopes up. I don't know. I am seeing my therapist next week. I will talk to her about this again. I don't want to make a huge mistake and increase my suffering!! How do you know this, if you are NC? I suspect you aren't really, and that is what standing in your way. If you were practicing proper, uncompromising NC, it would work its magic and you wouldn't have to pour your heart out. 2
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 How do you know this, if you are NC? I suspect you aren't really, and that is what standing in your way. If you were practicing proper, uncompromising NC, it would work its magic and you wouldn't have to pour your heart out. Why would I be lying about doing NC on an anonymous forum?!!! Please don't make any assumptions. As I stated, my ex was still attempting to reach out to me and I ignored all his messages (Because I took the advice I got here and remained in NC against my instincts). HE stated that he was single, and miserable without me. I ignored the email obviously as I considered it as breadcrumbs. He's blocked on all my social media, skype, etc. Last time I heard from him was a few days ago on my birthday, and I didn't even reply with a simple thank you note. I feel guilty and bad for behaving this way because I never ignored anyone... ever! Why is everyone here so bitter and base their assumptions that the dumpers are always evil and will break your heart? Seriously?! I know that most people here are hurt and learned the hard way. But every situation is different, and nothing in this world is all good or bad. Why can't two adults have a civil conversation without being emotional and hurt each other? I really appreciate most of the constructive advice I get here, which is why I keep coming back. There are many people here who actually take the time to analyze the problem and provide a solid opinion about the given situation (either from a logical viewpoint or from experience). But I don't see the point of commenting an "I told you so", "welcome to suckvile", or "you're lying about doing NC", etc. It's just hurtful and destructive. Let's keep our interaction constructive and civil please!!! 2
Author 4everalones Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Woot woot. All aboard the pain-train. Next stop: Suckville. Population: you Well thank you!!
pickflicker Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Why would I be lying about doing NC on an anonymous forum?!!! Please don't make any assumptions. As I stated, my ex was still attempting to reach out to me and I ignored all his messages (Because I took the advice I got here and remained in NC against my instincts). HE stated that he was single, and miserable without me. I ignored the email obviously as I considered it as breadcrumbs. He's blocked on all my social media, skype, etc. Last time I heard from him was a few days ago on my birthday, and I didn't even reply with a simple thank you note. I feel guilty and bad for behaving this way because I never ignored anyone... ever! Why is everyone here so bitter and base their assumptions that the dumpers are always evil and will break your heart? Seriously?! I know that most people here are hurt and learned the hard way. But every situation is different, and nothing in this world is all good or bad. Why can't two adults have a civil conversation without being emotional and hurt each other? I really appreciate most of the constructive advice I get here, which is why I keep coming back. There are many people here who actually take the time to analyze the problem and provide a solid opinion about the given situation (either from a logical viewpoint or from experience). But I don't see the point of commenting an "I told you so", "welcome to suckvile", or "you're lying about doing NC", etc. It's just hurtful and destructive. Let's keep our interaction constructive and civil please!!! Erm, I think my question was reasonable and you have grossly overreacted. And if you'd bothered to read anything that I've written on here, you'll find that I'm frequently a champion for not demonising the dumper. See ya. Good luck.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 But I don't see the point of commenting an "I told you so", "welcome to suckvile", or "you're lying about doing NC", etc. It's just hurtful and destructive. Let's keep our interaction constructive and civil please!!! Because every 2 or 3 weeks someone comes on here and says the exact same thing as you. And the result is almost always the same. So, we advise on what we think based on our own, and many, many others experiences. If you want to do what the majority of us here think is a bad idea, we are going to let you know. Usually, at first, kindly, then probably with some sarcasm. All in an attempt to save you from what we believe to be a very poor decision. This is an advice forum. Sometimes you aren't going to like the content, tone or message of said advice. 1
BC1980 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Why can't two adults have a civil conversation without being emotional and hurt each other? Of course, there can be civil discourse, and it happens all the time. I had civil conversations with my ex, but it wasn't particularly helpful in the grand scheme of me moving forward. Here's the bottom line: Do you want to close this door for good? If you want to close it for good, then you don't need to be concerned with having any type of conversation with him again. The past only holds the value you assign it. He simply cannot give you the answers you want. You were in the relationship too, so you know what happened. Why can't that be good enough? One reason I don't feel good about you meeting with him is due to the types of crumbs you received. They sound sad on his part, but, so far, he hasn't been willing to actually make the leap to repair the relationship. I feel that it would just be a big, messy cry fest on by both parties at this point. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Dumpers aren't evil or bad. But talking to dumpers in the way you want to usually leads to bad things for the dumpee. There's no need to build strawmen in the attempt to try to convince us that your desire -- a desire that leads to disaster in the vast, vast majority of instances -- is the correct one. Ultimately you are going to do what you want to do, but don't make up arguments to try to manipulate people into seeing your point of view. Maybe you need to be dragged through the mud to realize how foolhardy your desire is. Who knows.
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