Chi townD Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I agree with everyone else. There's a lot of red flags all over the place. 1. Wanting to take a break to "find herself" or whatever...it normally means she wants to "find herself" in some dudes bed. 2. Getting weepy after sex. You ask about it and she tells you she "just loves you". Dude, she got teary eyed because of guilt. 3. She lies about her whereabouts. 4. You stated that you two have had arguments that were always started by HER! If she's cheating on you, then she has to demonize you in her head to ease her guilt on her cheating on you. "I wouldn't be doing this if he wasn't such an asshat!" Hard to cheat on someone if everything is roses between the two of you. You might want to start looking into things. I think that she's pulling the wool over your eyes. She might be hooking up with some dude but she isn't sure that this dude is on board with entering a relationship with her. Therefore, she's keeping you on the sidelines just in case this dude doesn't work out. 2
bluegreen Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I have yet to hear when taking a break did not mean : there is someone else 2
lolablue17 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I agree with everybody here. I advice you to stop digging in what she feels, what she thinks, whether she had or hadn't sex with this guy, what are her reasons ect... Start thinking about you! You're under estimate the importance of your dignity. Meet her and tell her you are moving on, and it's over. dont talk too much. Dont give long explanations, or exciting monologues. Just say its over and wish her good luck. If you think you cant avoid digging, dig about what you want to know, you're interest. tell her you think she had sex with this guy, tell her you think she cheated on you (after you break up with her). and watch her reaction. "Some time off" can be a week or two. Otherwise its BS My gamble? Yes she did cheat. Because all other possible reasons for the "time off" could be discussed with you. The only thing she can't share with you is her cheating. That's why she is so misterious.
elseaacych Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) This is interesting, because I relate to the girl. I was going through a tough time near the end of my relationship, and was rather withdrawn. (Didn't help that the ex was about half the trouble.) However, I wanted to sustain the relationship. I didn't think my ex could help me with my issues, and I couldn't help him with his, other than be moral support. I don't think he ever understood this. She may just be so overwhelmed with her life that all she knows how to do is shut down. What you need to do is find out more, if you want to stay with him. You also need to be absolutely crystal clear with her AND KIND when positioning your concerns. Don't do the "we need to talk" thing, because that will put her on the defensive, and she will shut down. Ask her out for coffee. Don't say why. Then tell her that you are concerned about her, and what it is doing to the relationship. Tell her that you think it's serious enough that you've considered breaking it off, but that you don't want to. (If you don't.) Give her a deadline for dealing with her stuff. Just be honest, and go with your gut if you feel you are getting a load of crap. COMMUNICATION IS KEY. Edited March 30, 2014 by elseaacych
elseaacych Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Addendum: You can bring back sex, intimacy, and love, from both your ends but once communication is shot, you have absolutely nothing. And once you break up... well, you may find yourself posting here a lot more.
somegoodman Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Cut her off completely. Go ghost and don't tell her you're doing it. If she persists on trying to contact you, tell her that you realized you never really loved her and are glad it is over. If you do this you might be able to lay her again. If you do, right after the act get up and leave and tell her you never want to see her again. Then go find a younger hotter girl. Game set match. 1
lolablue17 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 This is interesting, because I relate to the girl. I was going through a tough time near the end of my relationship, and was rather withdrawn. (Didn't help that the ex was about half the trouble.) However, I wanted to sustain the relationship. I didn't think my ex could help me with my issues, and I couldn't help him with his, other than be moral support. I don't think he ever understood this. She may just be so overwhelmed with her life that all she knows how to do is shut down. What you need to do is find out more, if you want to stay with him. You also need to be absolutely crystal clear with her AND KIND when positioning your concerns. Don't do the "we need to talk" thing, because that will put her on the defensive, and she will shut down. Ask her out for coffee. Don't say why. Then tell her that you are concerned about her, and what it is doing to the relationship. Tell her that you think it's serious enough that you've considered breaking it off, but that you don't want to. (If you don't.) Give her a deadline for dealing with her stuff. Just be honest, and go with your gut if you feel you are getting a load of crap. COMMUNICATION IS KEY. You're absolutely right! Communication is key. But she stopped communication with him. She doesn't want to talk about her stuff with him, she doesn't want him to talk about his stuff with her. She only wants him to wait forever. it Could be she can't maintain relationship at this particular time in her life. So she shouldn't be using his love to her as a tool to take advantage of him and hold him in freezing zone for such a long time. If she doesn't consider his interest, than he's the one who should take care of himself. 1
elseaacych Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Lola, I think you are absolutely right. I think one person (or both people) may unintentionally sabotaging the relationship, and if someone wants to continue it, they need to step up and express their feelings and communicate and not just assume the other person understands what's going on in their head, or what is going on. I am all about benefit of the doubt when you trust the other person, but sometimes it takes a sharp knock to the head to really get to the point. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way after my breakup. 1
Author gregory smythe Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 Hey everyone. Just thought I would give you all an update so far. I went to her place last night, as we had agreed to do. I made the decision that I wouldn't talk about things while there, but to sort of just observe how things would go. She ended up talking, however, and I think it was the first time in a long time we had a real conversation about a lot - mostly because she was calm on her end, and I was in listening mode. Two hours flew by, and what she said was that she that she does want us to be together, that she things a lot of me, that she does love me, but at the moment she needs for us to slow things down because the stress in her life is getting too much for her - and the relationship is the only thing she can relax/take time from, whereas full-time college and work is not. I told her that a lot of people in my position would read that as being strung-along and walk away. She said she understood, and respected me that I hadn't done that and had been giving her time/space. She said she had thought of breaking up with me because I wouldn't understand that she really just means she needs space, and didn't want it to end in a huge fight because anytime she has broken up with anyone she just goes NC/cuts them out, and didn't want things to go like that with us, saying she cares/likes me too much. She said she read that in a relationship compromise doesn't always have to be 50/50, but sometimes people have to bend relationships depending on their needs. I told her that a lot of our fights were because she was so stressed, and that when I tried to talk about things she took it as some sort of attack of her. She agreed, and said she is trying to see things more positively via counselling, and that part of a problem she has always had is that she finds it hard accepting that things can be/are just fine - that she should enjoy life when it is going good, and try not to get into a crisis-to-crisis/drama mentality. I stayed this morning, and this afternoon she instigated sex twice, which we did. When I was leaving she told me to try not to worry so much about the relationship, to be as positive as I can, and that it was great to see me. (She also mentioned that she would like to go on a holiday with me once college is done in a few months, when things get easier for her.) I don't know what everyone else here thinks. Everyone has their own interpretation of things. There is a lot of things we still haven't discussed, but I told her what I do ask of her isn't a lot, and she agreed. Maybe some of you here have a different insight to me (and if you do, I welcome hearing it) but where I am at this very moment is I suppose I have to just see how things play out...
UltraTech Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Hello Okay, so ive got something for you which you might be able to work with. It seems that you are committed to trying to make this work. I agree with the others that there is a high chance someone else is involved and she is hiding things from you. Here is your only chance in my view. Take it or leave it. You have to go your own way, from tonight, no more calling her up for cosy chats, dont be asking her how she feels, do NOT be some knight in shining amour on the end of a phone line or coffee ready to listen to all her dramas. You have to live you own life and do the things that make you happy, not her. Gym, gym gym, i always tell people this, the gym is a must and if you cannot gym, find another personal project, learn something, read something, visit somewhere. Once you stop becoming readily available to her, things are going to start happening, she will sense something has changed in your life and she is going to want to know what is going on in it, thats when the phone calls and texts start, and when they come, don't just drop everything for her, make your time worth something and fit her into your schedule. This is about respect, shes lost respect for you, you are all over her, waiting on her every word, ready arms open wide, women for reasons of low self esteem have to feel some kind of challenge when pursuing or keeping a man because it validates them when they win that challenge, if there is no challenge they will take you for granted and start doing the kind of thing your g.f is currently doing. If you are going to have sex, wear a condom, but next time she initiates, push her away, make her wait, trust me, it sounds sick, but this is the kind of thing you are going to have to do if you want to carry this on. Personally, the not wanting to have sex and crying after sex are red flags, prepare yourself for news of 3rd party involvement. Im rambling now, but trust me on this one, do you first, and you can come out of this eith dignity and it will help you greatly in a future relationship, show yourself respect, cos if you dont, she definitely wont. 2
lolablue17 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 We are only write our opinions according to the few facts you present to us. We dont know all the facts, we dont know her at all, we dont hear her when she talks, we didnt have a history with her. So i think you should read this forum to enrich your mind and knowledge, but in the end you should listen to your gut and brain (by that order ) maybe it just what she says with no hidden story. and maybe she is hiding something in the present or something from the recent past. who knows? Yes, relationships dont have always to be 50\50. As long as its fine with you and you can carry on with it. usualy this proportion established during this period remains for life. Good luck. be strong.
giblesp Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 Life gets stressful, but surely a special someone is who we look forward to being with at the end of the day? Why does she only want to see you once in a while and on holiday? Lifes going to get challenging, and if she needs time apart when those challenges come, then maybe that's not what you want. You listened to her but did she listen to you? As another poster said, couples stick it out and develop together. That's how a real, solid partnership gets established. If that's what you're after then make it clear to her that this is what you want. And if she can't be part of that, then you must go forth single and you're not waiting because you have YOUR life to live. Take a tougher stance while being calm and caring. Its the only way things can change for the better. While she's calling the shots like this she'll never fully respect you. And if its not this girl in your life, there are many lovely girls out there. Next time you're out on the street enjoy the scenery a bit.
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