gregory smythe Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Hey, I'm in need of some support/advice. I already feel like I've talked to everyone, but I really don't know what the right answer is... My girlfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and early thirties. She is older. We've been together almost a year and a half. About 2 to 3 weeks ago my girlfriend has stated she wants space and time for herself to work on through her own stuff, and has told me it may take a while. She advised I do the same, which I am. She said, "We’ll be ready when we both feel ready to be better with each other after learning stuff about ourselves; this is what this is about." She also stated I’m not going to go out with someone else like, obviously – especially when we are doing this working on our relationship. So, yes, we are exclusive." Every evening we telephone call one another, and we're still seeing each other once a week. She still tells me she loves me and misses me, and she asks that I do keep in contact with her. But apart from laying in bed together at night before bed one night per week, there is no affection or intimacy - and she has stated that she doesn't want us to be close in that respect until she feels like she and I have (self)improved. The last time number of times we had sex, which is now a month ago, she would get very weepy, and when I asked her if she was okay she told me she just loved me. She has stated that this definitely won't be happening until she has finished college in late May. She works full-time, studies at college full-time, and has an incredible amount of work to do weekday evenings and at the weekends - all of which is stressing her out very badly, and says that the last thing she wants to do is have arguments with me at the weekend, or conversations about our relationship that she feels emotionally drain her. The problem is, our arguments aren't coming from me and I need to talk about our relationship difficulties (my insecurities, her lies about her whereabouts, her lack of closeness, our lack of date-nights, her putting me down a lot, etc). I don't feel this is the best problem-solving method for me, but she strongly feels this method is best for her. She stated, "So how about starting with the hard stuff by working on ourselves? We’ll look after our own feelings and each other’s, and respect this period enough by accepting this is the start, not the end of everything – and things need time." The other thing I am worried about is that she is talking-down our relationship and talking-down me when we speak so much that I am concerned this will go nowhere - or, if it does, the dynamic of the relationship will rest with her. What advice would you give me?
d0nnivain Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Break up with her. In her 30s her head should be on straighter than it is. She knows if she wants to move forward with you. Her current attitude & behavior is simply ripping the band-aid off slowly. Sit her down, call BS & tell her you are either together -- dating / exclusive & having sex or you're apart & that she needs to pick one. This half-baked part of a relationship is childish. 1
giblesp Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Yeah Im in a similar situation myself. The sad fact is, if intimacy closes down it could be the end. We could both wait for the girls in our life to sort their stuff out and come back, we want that amazing feeling back. But they may have moved on already. You're not the cause of her issues, but over time you have become associated with her issues which is of course, not fair. By all means give it some time, but she may meet someone she doesn't associate with her issues, and eventually she'll project her stuff on to him. We're both currently with women who we love, and we want to get close to at the end of the day. But for whatever reason, they don't feel the same way. We got to ask ourselves how long we're willing to wait for... 1
barky2 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 This is one of two things IMHO. Either she's interested in someone else ( oh no not my girl right?) Or She wants to end things completely with you but she's afraid to be alone and or she's slowly weening herself off of you. It's time to be a man. Cut it off and walk away. I understand love and what how you're "suppose to act" Compassion, be there for her. She's talking down to you because she's everyday, losing RESPECT for you. Men are told to be strong and nonchalant. Sometimes we show a weaker side. Some women use it against us. This is what she's doing. Pull a 180 and be like " ok take all the time you need but I'm moving on with my life contact me when you get your **** figured out" Then don't contact her again until she contacts you. Then when she does, wait a few hours In between responses. The thing if you want this to work is to earn some of your respect back. And sorry ( some women on here might agree some might say I'm wrong) but be a douche bag. Don't put her down or anything, but act like a jerk, blow her off , ignore her for a little while....be aloof. That's your only chance. Barky 8
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) Barky nailed it, brother. I would wager 90 to 10 that she found someone else. Pathetic behavior on her behalf. Edited March 29, 2014 by Strength in Healing
Author gregory smythe Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Thanks for the support/advice so far guys. I’m considering what you guys are saying, particularly giblesp. I think what I need to remember is as giblesp said, “You're not the cause of her issues, but over time you have become associated with her issues which is of course, not fair.” There are trust issues/insecurities I have that predate our relationship that I never did quite confront, but there are issues – such as my girlfriend occasionally-to-often lying about her whereabouts, who she is with, etc, that have prevented me from properly moving on. I’m not sure how much progress has been made on that because I just have to take what she says at face value, unless I find out different. I understand what a lot of you are saying in terms of how the relationship looks like it is over and that it is your belief she is seeing someone else, or thinking about it. I’m not saying it hasn’t entered my head, or how a friendship she has with one (maybe two) male friend(s) isn’t worrying me to some degree – one of the guys in particular, who she has been seeing more, having coffee at his house, going to bars to drink with – along with some of his other friends, at times. That said, I didn’t contact her at all yesterday and found she had text me she loved me again last night. Tonight she wants me to come around to hers for dinner, to watch a DVD and to stay the night. If she really was into someone else and really didn’t want to be with me, why would she contact me, tell me she loves me, or ask me around to hers?
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I know this may not sound politically correct, but, from personal experience and from what I've seen happening to other guys I know, when a woman uses the "I need time and/or space to sort things out inside myself" routine, it's usually because she doesn't want you to know the reason for her temporary (or permanent) detachement from the relationship. It might be something sexual or not, mind you, but everytime I have seen this happen, there was an hidden reason for calling this kind of time out. 4
giblesp Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 ok take all the time you need but I'm moving on with my life contact me when you get your **** figured out" This is real good advice from Barky2. Its actually being quite gracious to her, letting her know that though you've decided to move on, there's a space for her in your life if she opens up completely. If not, you're a man and you WILL get another girl. This will help her as well. Sorry to say that both our girls are being spoiled kids right now. I'll be announcing to 'my' girl tonight that I will be moving on but Im open to her in my life IF she can be open again with me, and IF Im still single. Nice of her to invite you over for a movie and sleep over. But does she want a PJ party with a girl or a man in her bed? Don't be sharing the bed if you want intimacy and she doesn't, this isn't right. Know it takes strength and Im giving this advice to myself as well as you. Im living with memories of my love from dawn to dusk. But right now the situations changed and it needs to be dealt with a fresh head.
giblesp Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I know this may not sound politically correct, but, from personal experience and from what I've seen happening to other guys I know, when a woman uses the "I need time and/or space to sort things out inside myself" routine, it's usually because she doesn't want you to know the reason for her temporary (or permanent) detachement from the relationship. It might be something sexual or not, mind you, but everytime I have seen this happen, there was an hidden reason for calling this kind of time out. Twice I've given girls space to sort their stuff out, while I waited. Twice they ran off with other men.
Author gregory smythe Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 "Twice I've given girls space to sort their stuff out, while I waited. Twice they ran off with other men." Yeah, part of the problem for me is that I've had a very similar situation before with my previous girlfriend. She also asked for space after partying all weekend with her friends. A week into the space-giving she broke up with me, and in a roundabout way pretty much told me she had sex with some dude at a party. I'm really hoping this isn't going to be the same this time, because it really would be the ultimate sign of disrespect.
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Twice I've given girls space to sort their stuff out, while I waited. Twice they ran off with other men. That's what I meant. Sometimes I've seen it ending with a "soft" and "long" break up, without there being someone else, but there's Always a reason for "sorting their stuff". 1
Author gregory smythe Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 giblesp, do you think that your girlfriend has cheated?
Author gregory smythe Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 italianjob, but what if by sorting her stuff she really does just mean that she is fed up with a cycle of arguments we are having and - having college and a full-time job - she just really doesn't want those arguments to keep happening, so has taken a different approach to the usual talk-fix approach? A couple of weeks ago my gut feeling was that she had some sort of sexual contact with this friend of hers - simply because she has been spending more time with him and because she said she was at his house. From that time she and him went to his to have coffee, that is when things changed as much as I can recall. But that could be just paranoia too, which - if I am honest - has been something I've suffered with since the last relationship I mentioned above. And, like I said, there was a lot of messages and calls she made to me that were quite-to-very wanting of me.
Mr.Pine Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 About 2 to 3 weeks ago my girlfriend has stated she wants space and time for herself to work on through her own stuff, and has told me it may take a while. She advised I do the same... Relationship death-knell #1... if a relationship is a solid one, time and space should not be a solution. If you are partners and lovers and in a relationship, you help each other while you are TOGETHER. If you are apart, how can you properly support each other. Time and space is a damn cop out on the one asking for it. It just means she has lost interest in you and/or is contemplating or already has your replacement in line. "We’ll be ready when we both feel ready to be better with each other after learning stuff about ourselves; this is what this is about." Cough, cough... what the hell kind of psychological mumbo-jumbo is that? The only way to learn stuff about ourselves is to learn TOGETHER while being TOGETHER. Who's to say when you're ready? I will tell you when you're ready. When SHE is ready. No sooner and probably much later. She's got hand, all the cards and your testes in her knapsack. She is the decider. But apart from laying in bed together at night before bed one night per week, there is no affection or intimacy - and she has stated that she doesn't want us to be close in that respect until she feels like she and I have (self)improved. Relationship death-knell #2... when the intimacy is dead, so is the relationship. "Laying in bed together"? What, are you guys in your teens? Once a girl shuts down the sex, the relationship is long gone. She is doing this for two reasons. Both reasons reflect badly upon you. First reason: she no longer finds you sexually attractive and just wants you to be a warm body in bed with her. Second reason: she's banging someone else and doesn't want to cheat on the new guy with you. Either way, you're done. What advice would you give me? Stop seeing her. Stop laying in bed like a damn puppy dog with her. Go NC. Go dark. Save what dignity you have left and live your life...without her. Because, brother, she's living her life without you. You just haven't realized it yet. She's already mentally and physically left the relationship. Now it's your turn. 1
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Mr.Pine, I've seen a few of your posts now, and must say I find your harsh reality approach quite refreshing and reminiscent of my own. Cheers
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 italianjob, but what if by sorting her stuff she really does just mean that she is fed up with a cycle of arguments we are having and - having college and a full-time job - she just really doesn't want those arguments to keep happening, so has taken a different approach to the usual talk-fix approach? A couple of weeks ago my gut feeling was that she had some sort of sexual contact with this friend of hers - simply because she has been spending more time with him and because she said she was at his house. From that time she and him went to his to have coffee, that is when things changed as much as I can recall. But that could be just paranoia too, which - if I am honest - has been something I've suffered with since the last relationship I mentioned above. And, like I said, there was a lot of messages and calls she made to me that were quite-to-very wanting of me. As I said, I've heard this kind of "time out request" exactly worded like that (need time space to sort things out) a zillion times, either myself or through friends. In my experience there was always a more down to earth reason for wanting to put the relationship on hold. In my experience means as far as I know, but since I'm not that Young anymore the statistic sample is beginning to look quite relevant Most common endings I've seen: 1 - They wanted to have a "long bachelorette party" before taking the next step in the relationship and going serious (often you find out about it years later). 2 - They're not satisfied with the relationship and want to detach little by little, until they're ready to break up for good. 3 - They want to try it out with someone else while keeping their partner as a back up plan if they don't hit it off with the new guy. But maybe someone has seen a different and more happy outcome... 1
Author gregory smythe Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Mr.Pine, thanks for the support/advice. As much as it hurt to read that, maybe I am being way to understanding, accepting and naive about all this. And probably because, of course, it's horrible getting (mis)treated like this. But you're right, I think. If she doesn't want to sort things out together, if she doesn't want to spend more time with me (when she can), if she doesn't show me any affection, and if she no longer wants to have sex with me, then we're basically just friends now at best. I think you're all right - it looks like it is over, and I'm fooling myself otherwise.
Mr.Pine Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Mr.Pine, I've seen a few of your posts now, and must say I find your harsh reality approach quite refreshing and reminiscent of my own. Cheers Thank you, Strength. You guys hammered the truth over my head when I first posted here. Now it's my turn to return the favour.
Author gregory smythe Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 italianjob, Yeah, what I fear is that she has had some sexual contact with this guy friend of hers and it has made her realise that she doesn't feel as strong about me as she did, and - in order to abdicate responsibility/accountability for it has put it down to the arguments wearing her feelings for me down. That's the fear anyways, I have no conclusive evidence. But is has been in the back of my mind a lot. Your point about her not being satisfied with the relationship and want to detach little by little definitely is the case, and she has pretty much told and implemented that. Whether or not she is doing it until she is ready to break up for good, I don't know. She said it isn't, but a lot of her actions say otherwise. That is another fear. I don't know about her being with a new guy. This guy friend of hers has a girlfriend, though my girlfriend told me the this guy and his girl have had - up until recently - an open relationship, but are now more serious/exclusive. But at the end of the day, how do I know that is the truth? I just have to trust her if/until I find out different. But I'm becoming more and more concerned that 'taking a break/needing space and time' really does just mean that she is checking out of the relationship/has lost interest. I just don't know why - because any issues we have had can be very easily fixed. The problem is, it takes two people to make a relationship work and I don't understand how pulling away/being distant is any sort of solution.
Mr.Pine Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Mr.Pine, thanks for the support/advice. As much as it hurt to read that, maybe I am being way to understanding, accepting and naive about all this. And probably because, of course, it's horrible getting (mis)treated like this. But you're right, I think. If she doesn't want to sort things out together, if she doesn't want to spend more time with me (when she can), if she doesn't show me any affection, and if she no longer wants to have sex with me, then we're basically just friends now at best. I think you're all right - it looks like it is over, and I'm fooling myself otherwise. Greg, You're a good kid. Don't let this one chick ruin or change who you are. You're not naive... you're just very much in love. Lose the fog, go NC and you will be alright in a little while. Just be patient. Patient with yourself. Recovery isn't an overnight thing. And do yourself a favour, don't be friends. You're not ready for that and she most certainly doesn't deserve your friendship.
italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 italianjob, Yeah, what I fear is that she has had some sexual contact with this guy friend of hers and it has made her realise that she doesn't feel as strong about me as she did, and - in order to abdicate responsibility/accountability for it has put it down to the arguments wearing her feelings for me down. That's the fear anyways, I have no conclusive evidence. But is has been in the back of my mind a lot. Your point about her not being satisfied with the relationship and want to detach little by little definitely is the case, and she has pretty much told and implemented that. Whether or not she is doing it until she is ready to break up for good, I don't know. She said it isn't, but a lot of her actions say otherwise. That is another fear. I don't know about her being with a new guy. This guy friend of hers has a girlfriend, though my girlfriend told me the this guy and his girl have had - up until recently - an open relationship, but are now more serious/exclusive. But at the end of the day, how do I know that is the truth? I just have to trust her if/until I find out different. But I'm becoming more and more concerned that 'taking a break/needing space and time' really does just mean that she is checking out of the relationship/has lost interest. I just don't know why - because any issues we have had can be very easily fixed. The problem is, it takes two people to make a relationship work and I don't understand how pulling away/being distant is any sort of solution. Greg, I don't know your GF, so I can't really guess if she's been engaging in sexual activities or not. Your guess will be closer to the truth on that accout. That said, what I wanted to tell you is that this "need time/space" thing is often poison to the relationship because it usually is a way to hide the girl's true agenda. If you are in love with her you might want to try and understand what's really on her mind talking to her, but this might not work. If it was me I would let her know that it's either in or out, then go NC on her. If she really wants the relationship to go on she will contact you, if she doesn't it will probably be because she wanted out in the first place.
giblesp Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 giblesp, do you think that your girlfriend has cheated? As of tonight shes not my girlfriend anymore. Doubt she cheated, but my previous 2 partners cheated during a 'time and space' period. That's why this time I've ended it before it can get to that. She knows full well that she can get back with me, but I've made it clear that I will NOT be waiting. Waiting for someone to make up their mind about you I equate to waiting for them to bang someone else. You've been fully available to her for a while and what have you got for it? Others on this thread are correct when they say that as soon as the intimacy dies, so does the relationship. If she's stopped kissing you, making love to you, don't sleep with her. If you want a girl more than she wants you, its never going to work. You must move on.
ScaredAlien2 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Hey, I'm in need of some support/advice. I already feel like I've talked to everyone, but I really don't know what the right answer is... My girlfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and early thirties. She is older. We've been together almost a year and a half. About 2 to 3 weeks ago my girlfriend has stated she wants space and time for herself to work on through her own stuff, and has told me it may take a while. She advised I do the same, which I am. She said, "We’ll be ready when we both feel ready to be better with each other after learning stuff about ourselves; this is what this is about." She also stated I’m not going to go out with someone else like, obviously – especially when we are doing this working on our relationship. So, yes, we are exclusive." Every evening we telephone call one another, and we're still seeing each other once a week. She still tells me she loves me and misses me, and she asks that I do keep in contact with her. But apart from laying in bed together at night before bed one night per week, there is no affection or intimacy - and she has stated that she doesn't want us to be close in that respect until she feels like she and I have (self)improved. The last time number of times we had sex, which is now a month ago, she would get very weepy, and when I asked her if she was okay she told me she just loved me. She has stated that this definitely won't be happening until she has finished college in late May. She works full-time, studies at college full-time, and has an incredible amount of work to do weekday evenings and at the weekends - all of which is stressing her out very badly, and says that the last thing she wants to do is have arguments with me at the weekend, or conversations about our relationship that she feels emotionally drain her. The problem is, our arguments aren't coming from me and I need to talk about our relationship difficulties (my insecurities, her lies about her whereabouts, her lack of closeness, our lack of date-nights, her putting me down a lot, etc). I don't feel this is the best problem-solving method for me, but she strongly feels this method is best for her. She stated, "So how about starting with the hard stuff by working on ourselves? We’ll look after our own feelings and each other’s, and respect this period enough by accepting this is the start, not the end of everything – and things need time." The other thing I am worried about is that she is talking-down our relationship and talking-down me when we speak so much that I am concerned this will go nowhere - or, if it does, the dynamic of the relationship will rest with her. What advice would you give me? Run dude, I went through this twice ignorantly. There was someone else. Save yourself the pain and keep your self respect. I wish I had...
giblesp Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 One thing to bear in mind, if you do end it with her she may get back with you, and then go all distant again. Insecure girls do sometimes do this. If she does try and get back, make sure as best as you can that she is being genuine.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (my insecurities, her lies about her whereabouts, her lack of closeness, our lack of date-nights, her putting me down a lot, etc). Are your insecurities related to the fact she's lied to you about stuff? Why does she put you down? That's just mean. Sorry to say this but it really sounds like she's detaching from you, not ready to end it with you (yet) but she will soon. She's got one foot out the door and another foot walking in a door (the other guy) and is 'testing' to see what she feels for this other guy. I could be wrong but from what I've read, it does seem odd that she's cut you off sexually! When couples take a break, somehow sex still happens.. If she is fooling around or made out/had sex with the other guy, you two are done and it's only a matter of time. She isn't giving you much to go on, there's a lot said but your gut is telling you there's more to this. I say end it. She doesn't treat you well, she makes you feel bad, she puts you down - She's lied to you and there IS another guy waiting in the wings.
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