Mommame2 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) I made a big mistake...tonight. My husband (as posted in another thread) stays home most of time with our child, who is 8. My husband has a passive aggressive personality. Very sarcastic. My son is picking it up. For example, my husband will call me (on speaker phone) and tell me the couch got ruined or my favorite dress got screwed up at the cleaners. I now know never to believe him because it's typically a joke. Ha ha...gotcha kinda stuff. But never said with humor. Well, tonight my mother was visiting and my DH's Father...for my son's first communion tomorrow. I told my son at dinner that I didn't have to work on Monday because I took the day off to be just with him. He looked down and said "no thanks." ...I thought he was joking, like DH. So I said "come on..you know I'm excited for Monday and I know you are too!" He said "nope, Daddy got a sitter". I said "right...right..." I know you are joking. I said "Sweetie that really hurt my feelings". He just shrugged his shoulders and ignored me. (as my DH often does) But my mother looked at me as if my child was serious...and she already thinks I'm nuts because I'm the breadwinner. I snapped and said.."Mom...Peter is just playing games ...like his dad with his passive aggressive sarcasm." I knew when I said it ..I made a horrible mistake. I said "I'm sorry...I didn't mean that"...and everyone changed the subject. I told my husband aside and apologized and told him I was sorry, but that our child embarrassed me in front of my mother and I lashed out and I was wrong. I said ..."but our child should not be doing that ...and that shouldn't be something that he's consistently exposed to." My DH said "yes ma'am" and that was it...and coldly walked away. I am not back at work and can't stop crying. I feel like my child is now turning into a terror. My DH doesn't care and my mother and father in law think I'm not loved by my own child. Now he's texting me complaining about how my Mom is on the computer instead of playing with our child. Am I overreacting? I just don't know if I"ve ever felt so low...knowing how awful my marriage is...and how bad my child was acting. And most of all...I feel terrible for being "that" person..and lashing out. Edited March 29, 2014 by Mommame2
TAV Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I don't think you overreacted. You seem to be under a lot of pressure and your child copying his dad's behaviour, much hated by you already, seemed to be the last drop. All I can advise you is to keep showing your child the better example. Children have an uncanny sense of right and wrong. Maybe he's just trying to get his dad's approval by copying his behaviour. 3
Author Mommame2 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 He thinks it's funny. He will call me (with child in the car) on speaker phone and say "son got in major trouble today at school...it was bad". I will get worried and he will say..."yep..and son will jump on and try to fool me too". Then they both laugh at me for believing them. I have asked repeatedly not to do this. They don't listen.
preraph Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I don't think you overreacted. Your son is modeling after your DH, who is acting like a butt to you in front of him. You need to sit down alone and have a long talk with him about this and counseling if he doesn't get it.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Unfortunately that's the least of our problems. When I sit down to talk about these things he says "yes ma'am". And then walks away.
Noproblem Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 You deserve better treatment or better person ..You shouldn't be in agony over this .... 1
Author Mommame2 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 Would this constitute emotional abuse? I see this is part of my DH sarcastic behavior/humor. Part of me feels bad... For being so hurt. But now that son does it... It literally left me in tears tonight.
Noproblem Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Would this constitute emotional abuse? I see this is part of my DH sarcastic behavior/humor. Part of me feels bad... For being so hurt. But now that son does it... It literally left me in tears tonight. You know emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse Scars heals, but what is said can't be erased easily. You should try to involve your son in outside activity so he doesn't sit with his father all the time.
Grumpybutfun Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) Actually, you have taught him how to treat you. Disrespect you, let him belittle you, make fun of you, call you names, let him make you the breadwinner and have to pay for someone to do chores, teaching your son to disrespect and belittle you. Is there anything that would make you tell him to get out and file for divorce? You are his doormat and now you are your kids doormat and you are apologizing to him over the fallout for him being a douche abuser. This isn't marriage, it is sad and you don't deserve this. Call a lawyer and file. Get in therapy and find out why you would let someone treat you like this. Tell him to leave, pack his crap and go, you lose nothing because he does nothing, Grumps Edited March 29, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 6
TAV Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) Would this constitute emotional abuse? I see this is part of my DH sarcastic behavior/humor. Part of me feels bad... For being so hurt. But now that son does it... It literally left me in tears tonight. YES!! It is emotional abuse. And every time it happens it makes you just a little bit more smaller. Let this thing with your son open your eyes. It's not too late to change things. If you don't love yourself enough do it for the love you have for your children. Edited March 29, 2014 by TAV 2
ascendotum Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 He thinks it's funny. He will call me (with child in the car) on speaker phone and say "son got in major trouble today at school...it was bad". I will get worried and he will say..."yep..and son will jump on and try to fool me too". Then they both laugh at me for believing them. I have asked repeatedly not to do this. They don't listen. I'm not giving you any 'big picture' advice here on your dilemma, but one thing that stood out with me is the 'speaker phone' gag thing. I get it in terms of it being a father/son bonding thing by pulling a gag on mommy, but its worn out its appeal for you, which is clear with your posts here, then I would refuse to take anymore speaker calls. When your husband calls just ask for the call to be 1 on 1. I'm sure he will make an issue out of it, but stick to your guns. IDK - If you are up for it, you might want to have a friend help you to teach them a lesson, by having one of their gags back fire on them (ie you had a bad car crash when you got upset), though if you know it want make him see the light then don't bother. I think calling this emotional abuse is going a bit too far based on what is in this thread...imo
gaius Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 It's payback for the humiliation you put him through by being the breadwinner.
mainejack Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 People treat others like door mats because they can. It starts out as a selfish indulgence, then becomes a habit, then an entitlement. You'll either have to put your foot down or endure more of the same or worse. Unfortunately, non-assertive types usually have to get to the end of their rope first, and by then, it'll be too late for some of them, their love will have diminished and they'll just want out. So if you want to keep the relationship, protect it by starting to have boundaries. It'll take time and patience, and it'll be hard for both of you. But it's the only fix there is unless he has a change of heart, and right now he has no incentive to change because it's all going his way. You are the type of person that is every man's dream, then they screw it up. I feel bad for both of you. I have some experience with this, and I was the bad guy. I'm glad that my wife loved me enough to put her foot down. I'm also glad that I made some changes, life would be nothing without her.
Radu Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I am very sarcastic and a major cynic OP, and i could see myself do some of the things that your H did. However, there are some huge difference that you need to be aware of : 1 - he involved your child, and this is wrong on so many levels ... 2 - you repeatedly asked him to cease this kind of behaviour, yet he refuses 3 - it's the magnitude of the 'jokes'. It's one thing to tell you that he found moths in your favorite wool cap, and it's another thing to tell you that your son got in trouble, and to involve him in this deception. 4 - worst, your son is copying him I hate to say it, but you need to see a lawyer because it doesn't sound like he gets it. You need to show boundaries to him, but not through words because the time of words has passed. You have to show through actions, and a big action is to prepare [mentally and financially] for divorce. PS: I don't know if i would classify it as abuse [it might be, or it might be very close to abuse], but it is definitely not healthy and it needs to stop. 2
Author Mommame2 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 I talked to my son alone this morning and told him how much he hurt me with that "joke". He instantly got tears in his eyes. He apologized and told me he loved me and that he just was joking "like dad". So it made me feel better seeing he still has compassion. He said it was just a joke and he didn't understand why I didn't think it was funny. 4
d0nnivain Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I'm glad your son apologized. That said, I don't see where you made any mistakes last night. That damage to your son by your husband has been a long standing problem. My only concern about your behavior was that you apologized to your husband. If he can't see how his attitude is poisoning your marriage & your child you have some real problems. Good luck, 2
Author Mommame2 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 The thing is DH is consistently talking to his own father like this. He asked him for some advice on coaching soccer. His dad told him he thought his tolerance for kids screwing up was lower than his. My DH responded with oh thanks a lot. Glad I asked YOU for advice". His dad said well you asked me what I saw and I saw that you get frustrated too easily with the kids. He said "great" with a sarcastic bite. My DH stopped me this am and asked what my problem was cause I seemed very "not ok". I told him that I was hurt about what happened last night. He said I don't understand why? I explained it to him again. I told him that sarcasm and joking at my expense needs to stop He got mad and said "fine". I said please don't just storm out. He said well that's my personality. We were just joking. And I don't think I'm going to just change my personality. He said I don't even know what you are talking about.
MidwestUSA Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I talked to my son alone this morning and told him how much he hurt me with that "joke". He instantly got tears in his eyes. He apologized and told me he loved me and that he just was joking "like dad". So it made me feel better seeing he still has compassion. He said it was just a joke and he didn't understand why I didn't think it was funny. I think you're going to need to do whatever it takes to get your son out from under the influence of H. H needs a full time (preferably 70-80 hours a week! Maybe with some travel, eh?) job out of the house, and your son needs to be in day care where he can socialize with a wide variety of kids (and adults). Otherwise, he's coming up with a very narrow view of what's good/bad. Then get working on that divorce. He's taken it too far turning your son into this. 2
Author Mommame2 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 I guess what concerns me still... Is that DH responded with "fine". Then said he can't just magically change his personality. I'm sure he will try for awhile. But it prob won't last. The other day he walked up to a couple at school (parents we barely knew) and started making fun of them for having matching colored jackets. Saying... Was it buy a black puffer jacket day, or what? He just does this stuff...
spiderowl Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Sounds like there are these undercurrents that are actually getting to you, despite the way you've brushed them off in the past. Having had a passive-aggressive partner myself, I would strongly advise you think about what you are getting out of this relationship. My kids too took on their dad's attitudes to me and I've suffered a lot as a result of this, the way you are doing now. Problem is, even if you separate, things don't get better from the child point of view as, in my case, their dad still encouraged them in this behaviour. However, at least I didn't have to put up with it on a regular basis from him! I have never properly understood the dynamics that drove my ex to behave as he did. He was subtle about it too so the kids were oblivious of the 'needling' messages involved. They still are and I still struggle to deal with them. I feel it's terribly unfair, given I was the one who had to take responsibility for so many things in the relationship. I know how much it hurts when you are doing your best and your kids disrespect you. Is there any reason why you cannot call your partner out on this and tell him you will not be treated like that, instead of crying in silence when he is being disrespectful?
spiderowl Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I guess what concerns me still... Is that DH responded with "fine". Then said he can't just magically change his personality. I'm sure he will try for awhile. But it prob won't last. The other day he walked up to a couple at school (parents we barely knew) and started making fun of them for having matching colored jackets. Saying... Was it buy a black puffer jacket day, or what? He just does this stuff... Sounds like he's got an anger problem and it's coming out this way. The guy probably needs therapy to find out why he's so wound up and taking it out on others. Don't assume it's anything to do with you, could go back for ever.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 He has gone to therapy for anger issues in the past. Although he believes the problems are all gone. He said that he was raped by another man when he was 25 while out drinking and that left him with anger issues.
TAV Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 He has gone to therapy for anger issues in the past. Although he believes the problems are all gone. He said that he was raped by another man when he was 25 while out drinking and that left him with anger issues. Apparently it makes him feel better, more of a man, to belittle you. That is wrong and you know it. We all have our crosses to bear in life, how we deal with it, what sort of person we become because of them is the deciding factor. You are not responsible for what happened to him nor is it your obligation to 'heal' him with your love. 1
Author Mommame2 Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Well... This is telling.. DH asked our child at dinner last night "what do you think you get from your Mom?" Response? "My niceness". My DH response? " oh thanks, I guess I'll just leave then". That was a sarcastic response... He was not serious. But it was interesting
TAV Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Well... This is telling.. DH asked our child at dinner last night "what do you think you get from your Mom?" Response? "My niceness". My DH response? " oh thanks, I guess I'll just leave then". That was a sarcastic response... He was not serious. But it was interesting Glad your son still sees straight. Keep showing him your values. You wont lose him.
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