singme2sleep Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 If you have ever been dumped with the speech of how it's not about you, but they need to end the relationship due to their own personal issues blah blah blah. Well I think it is a lame excuse and never true. Obviously it IS you, because no matter what problems the dumper is going through, they would want us by their side to lean on/offer support if the love was real. Were you given this "explanation" or were you the one to give it? 1
lamis Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 My ex didn't actually say this, but she did say that I did nothing wrong but that her feelings had changed -- which I think is kind of what a lot of people mean when they say "it is not you, it is me." They don't know why they lost their feelings, and thus they place the blame on themselves. 1
Author singme2sleep Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Unless it's slowly over the course of a long time, I just don't see how one can suddenly lose feelings.
lamis Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Unless it's slowly over the course of a long time, I just don't see how one can suddenly lose feelings. Well, you are right about that. The problem is that people often fail to communicate when they first feel the problem and try to work through it on their own, and then thing after thing leads to the deterioration of those feelings. So it seems sudden to the dumpee (you and I, in this case) but in reality it was building for a long time, and stems from an inability to communicate. I think a big problem is also that people think they should feel butterflies and extreme happiness all the time with their SO, which is just unreasonable. So when that phase ends, whenever that may be, people start to freak out a little like the person isn't right for them. When the person dumps you it is basically their way of saying that they give up trying to salvage the relationship, once again a "it is me, not you" scenario. They don't always know why things changed, in fact I'd say they usually don't, but feelings changing (gradually, as you say) is unfortunately a fact of human existence. A frightening one at that. 5
faithfully Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 the its not you, its me is bull**** and just a lame excuse for break up as ive learnt. I've had it used on me once and at first I didn't understand it but now its just a crap excuse to use 1
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Iamis, you are spot-on when you said;-. The problem is that people often fail to communicate when they first feel the problem and try to work through it on their own, and then thing after thing leads to the deterioration of those feelings. So it seems sudden to the dumpee (you and I, in this case) but in reality it was building for a long time, and stems from an inability to communicate. As well as poor communicators some of these people are confrontation-avoiders and rug-sweepers. They are sad individuals who (metaphorically-speaking) would rather sit in a sewer and tell everyone it smells of roses than stand up and try and get out of it. I was never dumped with the speech of how it's not about you, but they need to end the relationship due to their own personal issues blah blah blah. but I know plenty of girls who were. 1
Author singme2sleep Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 I would rather have the raw & honest truth, because even though they think this is somehow cushioning the blow...they're still breaking up with you and that hurts period!
JourneyLady Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I stopped dating someone because it *was* me, not him. Basically I was too much into the guy and he wasn't reciprocating the enthusiasm = he wasn't into me. So I dropped him instead of continuing to drive myself crazy wishing he cared more and trying to get him to want to see me again. (Still think about him a lot, but know it would be worse if I was still trying to date him. I'm waiting for the guy who is eager to see me again -- and not just for possible sex.)
BC1980 Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Well, obviously it is me if I am dumped. I think people try to cushion the blow, or even well meaning friends will tell you that it was the other person's loss. None of that may be the case. Maybe it's just both parties together that create a not so great combination. People have told me countless times how stupid my ex is and he will regret his decision. He might be loving his decision and never regret it. We don't know, and it doesn't matter anymore. The hardest thing for me has been not to judge myself as less than because he didn't want to be with my anymore. It's very hard because, of course, it is you. Just be yourself, and, if that isn't good enough for the other person, they aren't the person for you.
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