Online dating: what can I do better?

[Butterflying]

A month ago I joined plenty of fish. Since then I have communicated with 15 different guys in my city, all of whom I'm interested in meeting. I have expresses that in conversations with them.

 

Of all, only two were willing to meet me for coffee/ drinks at a local place. Three have stood me up. And the others seem to end the "messages" the moment I say we should meet. They will say "sure that would be great." I tell them to let me know when & where (because we have already talked about work & schedules). They say "okay." And then leave me waiting.

 

After a week or two am I supposed to ask if they're still interested? It's not like I really know them. Why is it so hard to get a guy to meet in person? Makes me think they're a scam. If it were one or two guys I wouldn't mind. But to be stood up so many times & have so many guys who won't meet makes me curious.

 

By the way, one of the two guys I met was married. Well he didn't say that. But he told me: "in order to date you will have to accept these terms. I want to make love to you but I will never spend the night at your place. I have a problem sleeping in anyone's bed but my own. I will never take you to my house, EVER. Because I don't want you to love the house more than me. I will text you more than call because my schedule is busy. If you message me please give me 24 to 48 hours to reply."

 

This guy now sends me a text message every morning just two letters "gm." I don't reply. I called once, he didn't answer. He has never called me.

 

The other guy had children my age. But he dresses & acted immaturely. He told me he has a high sex drive & only contacted me because I'm hot & look like I love to "f*ck."

[Strength in Healing]

It's likely that you're coming off too forward.

 

I would let THEM be the one who asks to meet up. You could give hints like "So, have you ever been to (insert) before? I want to go so bad lol". Do this after a few messages have been exchanged and some kind of chemistry is there.

 

They'll pickup on it and ask

 

or

 

They'll not get the hint. (in which case you probably don't want to be with them in the first place)

 

Sure, maybe they themselves don't like whatever event you're talking about, so that is a possible third scenario, but most guys will look past this to go on a date lol

[Strength in Healing]

Grading your advice. C minis.

 

 

Grading your grammar:

 

F. lol

[Butterflying]

It's likely that you're coming off too forward.

 

I would let THEM be the one who asks to meet up. You could give hints like "So, have you ever been to (insert) before? I want to go so bad lol". Do this after a few messages have been exchanged and some kind of chemistry is there.

 

They'll pickup on it and ask

 

or

 

They'll not get the hint. (in which case you probably don't want to be with them in the first place)

 

Sure, maybe they themselves don't like whatever event you're talking about, so that is a possible third scenario, but most guys will look past this to go on a date lol

How can this be? These guys are starting conversations, asking me so much about my personal life, dreams, goals. One asked me to send more photos than the ones posted on my profile. I have been messaging this one guy every day for the past two weeks, several times a day. The moment I suggested we meet, for something quick just to see if our chemistry is there on all levels, he stopped messaging. Right before that he asked about my plans for the weekend. He wanted to know details because I'm going on vacation. He's been asking very personal questions. So why stop when I want to know who I'm talking to? A lot of the others are like that too. For all I know it could be the same guy with different profiles.

[Strength in Healing]

The moment I suggested we meet, for something quick just to see if our chemistry is there on all levels, he stopped messaging.

 

 

There you go. Once again, let them be the first to ask. In American culture, it is perceived that the male should ask first.

 

That doesn't mean that a woman shouldn't ask first, but it may scare off some guys and come off as desperate.

 

Sure, it could be some crazy reason we aren't aware of, but I'll wager this is the answer.

[Butterflying]

There you go. Once again, let them be the first to ask. In American culture, it is perceived that the male should ask first.

 

That doesn't mean that a woman shouldn't ask first, but it may scare off some guys and come off as desperate.

 

Sure, it could be some crazy reason we aren't aware of, but I'll wager this is the answer.

How long should I wait for a man to ask? How much information should I share about myself? If I stopped answering their questions the conversations would end. They have told me some things about themselves. One guy gives me great detail about his daily activities, fights with ex-wife over money, stress at work. But without meeting it feels strange. I'm tired of talking to him this way. Feels like I'm wasting time.

[Strength in Healing]

Like I said, give hints of things. For example, say you want to see the new Captain America.

 

What you want to do is drop a hint

 

"So, did you see previews for captain america? I want to see it so bad -- but all my friends are busy that weekend :("

 

He will ask you to go if he is interested.

 

 

If he isn't interested, drop him.

[Butterflying]

I thought dating was supposed to be fun, going out, meeting people. As I type this I'm in between messages with two guys on the dating site I have been speaking to for a few days now. And the current conversation started earlier this morning & will go on until I tell them I'm going to bed.

[Mo_Do]

Are you showing your boobies in your dating profile like you are in your avatar? Try a more "covered" look and I think you may find better results..

 

Just a hunch...

[Sweetnothing]

I don't see anything wrong with asking to hang out, but unfortunately it could be the problem. I experienced this also. Guys are so bizarre.

 

Try waiting for guys to ask you out and if that doesn't work then the guy obviously isn't interested for some reason.

 

There are girls on here complaining that their boyfriends are still on dating sites so maybe the reason a guy won't ask you out is because he has a girlfriend! Who knows?

 

The only thing you can do is keep your emotions in check and don't get even slightly excited about a potential date until he shows you he's for real. Online dating works for some people, but you have to sift through a lot of bs and be patient. I, unfortunately, do not have the patience for online dating.

[Butterflying]

Like I said, give hints of things. For example, say you want to see the new Captain America.

 

What you want to do is drop a hint

 

"So, did you see previews for captain america? I want to see it so bad -- but all my friends are busy that weekend :("

 

He will ask you to go if he is interested.

 

 

If he isn't interested, drop him.

There actually is a concert in town I have tickets & would love to have a date. But here's the thing... if I can't get a guy to simply meet me "nothing serious" briefly in person, I can't rely on him to spend several hours with me at a very expensive event. The point of meeting is to see if we want to date. Imagine we don't like what we see. I would hate to be stuck together or have spent any amount of time & money to no avail.

[Strength in Healing]

There actually is a concert in town I have tickets & would love to have a date. But here's the thing... if I can't get a guy to simply meet me "nothing serious" briefly in person, I can't rely on him to spend several hours with me at a very expensive event. The point of meeting is to see if we want to date. Imagine we don't like what we see. I would hate to be stuck together or have spent any amount of time & money to no avail.

 

 

You could ask them to meet on skype and see how you guys click and how he looks more or less in person.

[Butterflying]

I don't see anything wrong with asking to hang out, but unfortunately it could be the problem. I experienced this also. Guys are so bizarre.

 

Try waiting for guys to ask you out and if that doesn't work then the guy obviously isn't interested for some reason.

 

There are girls on here complaining that their boyfriends are still on dating sites so maybe the reason a guy won't ask you out is because he has a girlfriend! Who knows?

 

The only thing you can do is keep your emotions in check and don't get even slightly excited about a potential date until he shows you he's for real. Online dating works for some people, but you have to sift through a lot of bs and be patient. I, unfortunately, do not have the patience for online dating.

I see what you mean. It makes sense. Tonight I was so frustrated I almost deleted my profile. Basically I'm tired of having the same "online" conversations over & over without actually meeting anyone. In a month I hoped to meet more than two guys for something simple like drinks or coffee. If they are who they claim, they do this every day anyway. Why not take a moment to meet the person they've been messaging in private? Thanks for the advice.

[Butterflying]

You could ask them to meet on skype and see how you guys click and how he looks more or less in person.

Thanks so much for advice. But I guess my point is to get "offline" once mutual interest is established. Skyping with a guy who lives close enough to walk to my house just seems lazy. One guy actually does claim to live in my neighborhood. There is something going on in the news right now. He messaged me about it, to gossip & converse. But still, no sign that we will ever meet in real life.

[Phantom888]

POF may be notorious for shady guys. I think Match and eHarmony are better. Not all guys online are jerks. There are so many choices that the jerks think it's okay to be rude because they can always move on without consequences. Stay away from those guys. How do you weed them out? It's actually simple. Jerks have a few characteristics in common:

 

* They lie a lot, so they tell you what you want to hear.

* They pretend to not push for sex early on, but they actually manipulate you into putting out.

* They are very impatient, so they quit if they don't get any action after a couple of weeks.

* They pretend they want a relationship, but play dumb when the topic of exclusivity comes up.

* They are reluctant to spend any resources on you (money, time, effort) because they have to spread these limited resources among many conquests.

 

It's really not so hard to bust these *******s. Just be patient and read between the lines. Trust your instincts. Spend lots of time talking and communicating. Look for discrepancies in their stories. You'll notice that the truly great guys are perfectly natural and have regular human flaws. They are good men because they are genuine and don't play games. Definitely take the time to meet the good guys. Best of luck.

[AntiSocal]

Are you fat or playing out of your league? No disrespect but that could be it. Most guys will only talk to the bigger girls if she is willing to hookup right away.

 

If you're not big idk what the problem is. I always ask a girl for her number in like the second message and then call her and invite her out. I never message back and forth. Guys around your area seem weird. And if they do a lot of messaging back and forth there might be a chance that they're fake. Most of the real guys just wanna hear your voice to make sure you're real then setup a date ASAP.

 

Try some other dating sites. OKC might go better and its also free.

 

Also when you start messaging them if the convo starts getting long with too much back and forth just ask them to call you on the phone. Once on the phone keep it kinda short and sweet and say something like "Well i have to go soon, but are you gonna invite me on a date so we can actually meet or what?"

 

And if you want to get a lot of dates just message guys you are interested in. Most dudes will respond to any female who messages them first.

[katinlc]

I tried OLD for the first time around Thanksgiving. I did POF and OKC. I found that guys that had been online a while were less likely to ask me out and more likely to be pen pals. I don't know why and maybe this is not true for everyone, but that was my experience. I would not ask a guy to meet but would hint (like if we were talking about jobs and they said it's hard to explain in a message I would counter well maybe you can explain it in person sometime). I quickly learned to keep looking while still talking a little bit to the pen pals.

 

 

I then met someone at the first of the year. He had only been on a week and immediately asked me out. We dated until recently and I took down my OL profiles after a couple weeks with him.

 

 

I am now back online and more than one of the pen pals has already contacted me again (I told them I was seeing someone before & cut off communication). The thing I have noticed now is that at least one has already asked me out - I think they finally realized that I was serious about dating and if they wanted a chance they better ask because I wasn't waiting on them.

 

 

I also put on the bottom of my profile that I was not into texting for weeks before meeting, but like to meet up rather quickly to see if we have anything in common. I have heard from some guys that when they suggest meeting, the girl says it is too soon & wants to get to know them more first. My thought is it is just coffee - even if we have nothing in common, how bad can it be and then I am not wasting weeks texting someone and thinking I like them.

 

 

That's just my 2 cents...

[Keenly]

There you go. Once again, let them be the first to ask. In American culture, it is perceived that the male should ask first.

 

That doesn't mean that a woman shouldn't ask first, but it may scare off some guys and come off as desperate.

 

Sure, it could be some crazy reason we aren't aware of, but I'll wager this is the answer.

 

This is not black and white. I'm american and I love when a girl finds me so endearing that she asks. I always give any girl with the boldness to act a chance. Its so rare though .... they usually will hide behind tradition and play passive.

[Arieswoman]

Hello Butterflying,

I have been in your situation and know how frustrating it can be.

 

I can't make too many specific comments as I don't know what you have put in your profile.

 

This is smart advice from katinic ;-

 

I also put on the bottom of my profile that I was not into texting for weeks before meeting, but like to meet up rather quickly to see if we have anything in common. I have heard from some guys that when they suggest meeting, the girl says it is too soon & wants to get to know them more first. My thought is it is just coffee - even if we have nothing in common, how bad can it be and then I am not wasting weeks texting someone and thinking I like them.

I would also add these general comments ;-

 

1. Don't talk for hours on the 'phone - make it half an hour max, then excuse yourself. If you like the sound of them, ask if you can meet up for coffee sometime to see how you get on. Then leave it to them to make the date. If they havn't got back to you within a couple of days then move on.

2. Don't give out your home address until you have been meeting up with them a few times, and only then if you think they are genuine. Always meet them first couple of times in a public place where there are lots of people. Always tell someone where you are going. what time and who you will be meeting.

 

3. I would not spend more than an hour on a first date, and always arrange to have another appointment to go onto. That way if you don't like them you have a reason to leave, and if you do, then your aren't investing too much time in someone who may not be into you. Coffee dates are best IMO.

 

4. Don't be afraid of leaving any situation if you feel uncomfortable. I made the mistake of allowing a blind date to meet me for a meal. It turned out he was some kind of fantasist/oddball who claimed to have worked in area 51 and told me all about where the aliens lived under the earth's crust. ( !! ) I was stuck with him for 2 hours in a restaurant with everyone staring at us while he rambled on about aliens. I felt at the time it was churlish of me to walk out on him, but looking back I should have done.

 

5. You will get your fair share of oddballs and nutters, and those who are just looking for easy sex. Quite a few guys told me on the 'phone that they "liked to get into a sexual relationship quickly". My response was to thank them for giving me that information as I now knew that they weren't what I was looking for. I told them that I hoped that they found the girl they wanted but unfortunately it wouldn't be me. Then I hung up.

 

6. If there is something you really can't stand then put it on your profile. I didn't like beards, tattoos or smokers and stated that. This saves people wasting their time contacting you.

 

OLD can work but IMO you need to very persistant and be mindful of your own safety.

 

Personally, I wouldn't use OLD as an only source of prospective dates as it can get a bit wearing sorting through the dross to find the suitable guys that you might like to meet.

 

Good Luck.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Arieswoman

[Versacehottie]

I thought dating was supposed to be fun, going out, meeting people. As I type this I'm in between messages with two guys on the dating site I have been speaking to for a few days now. And the current conversation started earlier this morning & will go on until I tell them I'm going to bed.

 

um yeah don't do this. Too long conversations and familiarity when you haven't even gone out yet is a momentum-killer. Same with telling you about problems with ex-wives and such. You shouldn't allow a guy that you haven't even gone out with yet this much access to you. My advice to have better results is to speak or text somewhat briefly and keep things light & flirty. Make plans to meet--he should do the asking and THEN just SEE how you both feel. I think you also need to lower your expectations. Online dating seems to be a crap shoot with a lot of bad dating behavior involved. In some ways, it's a numbers game. If you realize that a lot of this behavior is typical but not acceptable, you won't get that attached or disappointed. I find some of the things I hear from my friends HILARIOUS. Look at it like that. At least it will be a funny story, ie guy in your first post was too funny!!!

 

Also don't depend only on online dating, flirt in person and enjoy your life. Think of yourself as a dating person at the moment and use whatever momentum and mindset that is positive from online dating in the real world. It also sounded like you may live in a small town or suburban area based on a few clues you said. Realize that is going to probably make it tougher and bring out guys who are actually married but planning to cheat. If you have been communicating with a guy over a span of a couple weeks and he makes no attempt to set a date with you, see that for what it is: he goes way way way on back burner or I would drop because he's either not serious about a simple date or has some other likely problem that could not be overcome (lying about personal facts: age, marital status, job, income or old photos). Do not make excuses for them in your quest to find a guy to date.

 

All of the above said, in life including online dating, it only takes one good guy to be the right one for you. Be cautious and discriminating and change your mindset so that you can find him. ie cycle through guys that act like losers fast and consider yourself lucky to have had only brief interaction with those types. Build your self-confidence. If some guy had laid out conditions like guy in your 1st post did, I probably would have laughed in his face, left or slapped him. I certainly wouldn't have called him afterward.

 

Basically I take your first sentence of this quote above and you can make dating like that for you by not putting up with the other sh*t. Keep it moving. Good luck!

[Butterflying]

I just added a disclaimer on my profile stating *only message me if you're willing to meet in person. I'm not looking for a pen pal, married guys, already committed guys, or fake profiles.* thank you very much!!

[HappyLove]

Some things I noticed:

 

1). I don't know if that's you in that pic but it's too racy if you're looking for someone serious. A man looking for a girlfriend or wife material probably doesn't want his woman's boobies blasted online for all to see. That pic will cause the wrong attention.

 

 

2). POF is like one step up from Tinder. Back when I OLDed only bums and cheaters were on there. I bet you'd do MUCH better with a paying site like Match.

 

3). You're expecting way too much from OLDing. It's filled with liars and flaky people get used to it. It's VERY hard to meet a quality guy who isn't playing games.

 

4). If you are messaging a guy and by the fifth message he hasn't asked you out to coffee or some type of meetup NEXT HIM!

 

5). You seem very assertive let the guy chase you. They WILL ask you out if interested the key is not to waste your time.

 

Good luck getting the date but pfft even after that it's a mess with all the BS OLDing will put you through. I hope you are out meeting men IRL. OLDing is for most of us a waste of time but there ARE some happy stories. Good luck!

[Butterflying]

My ex-bf and I broke up about two years ago. Were still friends, not close. We send an email for birthdays & a quick how are you is all we do. I recently had a birthday. He told me he is still dating the girl he met online 1 1/2 years ago. He joined a dating site & met this girl a few weeks later. She recently moved in with him. So it's pretty serious. I also have a best friend who met her husband online. He's a wonderful man. They have been married almost four years. They live in my city. But my ex-bf lives on a bigger city. He told me his strategy was to date every day. He met 5 to 10 girls a week. Within three weeks he decided on the one he wanted & the rest is history!! So I don't know if these people are extremely lucky or I'm doing something wrong. If I could get 2 dates a week I would be happy.

[HappyLove]

My ex-bf and I broke up about two years ago. Were still friends, not close. We send an email for birthdays & a quick how are you is all we do. I recently had a birthday. He told me he is still dating the girl he met online 1 1/2 years ago. He joined a dating site & met this girl a few weeks later. She recently moved in with him. So it's pretty serious. I also have a best friend who met her husband online. He's a wonderful man. They have been married almost four years. They live in my city. But my ex-bf lives on a bigger city. He told me his strategy was to date every day. He met 5 to 10 girls a week. Within three weeks he decided on the one he wanted & the rest is history!! So I don't know if these people are extremely lucky or I'm doing something wrong. If I could get 2 dates a week I would be happy.

 

 

Yes, they are extremely lucky. Everyone has that story of the people they know who met their love online but as you see for yourself it's not so easy. You haven't even gotten to the hard part yet. Just look at the boards here, OLDing is hard work and only the few find someone who's serious. You need more than POF if you want a real chance you'll do better with Match. Good luck.

[deathandtaxes]

I almost stopped after I saw you were on POF and thought 'well, there's your problem right there!'. As another has suggested, you should have more luck on a pay site. It weeds out a lot of crap guys.