Nearly 48 Hours after first date

[hasaquestion]

For me, when a guy invites me to his place after a 1st date, it's a huge, HUGE bummer. Even if it was a great date. Things just plummet for me and I re-evaluate the whole night.

 

I'd be cautious with this guy. Every woman appreciates a guy who can read that you're interested and then leans in to give you a big, strong kiss. But...I question intentions when a man invites me over too early.

 

Beware.

 

Why though? If he wanted he could have had sex with her already, but he didn't.

[Sweetnothing]

So interested that he never even checked to see if she got home safe at 2:30AM. Instead she had to let him know.

 

So interested that he hasn't even opened her message.

 

So interested that she hasn't heard from him in two days.

 

So interested that when she said they're in the same school and they could meet, he avoided it like the plague.

 

In all my years I have been doing this all wrong!

 

Seriously.

 

I hate the excuses people make for why a date isn't contacting them afterwards. "He's shy" "he's busy" "he doesn't want to seem desperate" "he doesn't have a phone" I call bs.

 

OP, you said he claimed his internet wasn't working properly, but seemed fine while you were there. Sounds like he may have been planning to ditch you with some ****ty excuse. He can just say "well I TOLD you my internet wasn't working!"

 

Never make excuses for why a guy hasn't contacted you. Wait if out for oh...maybe 3-4 days MAX, then move on.

 

What's this guy got going on that's so important he can't message you when he used to stay on the phone till 4:30am? I dated a doctor for a while who worked 60-70 hours a week saving lives and he would text me from the emergency department when he had 30 seconds to spare. He turned out to be incompatible personality-wise with me and we split up amicably, but anyway the point I'm making is that someone who genuinely wants to talk to you will. I've gotten the "busy" excuse dozens of times, but 99% of the time it's bull****.

 

Has he logged into his dating account recently? That might be a place to start if you're wondering, but from my experience, a great date followed by a disappearing act means you shouldn't have high expectations.

 

If he lets you down, remember it's HIS problem. You didn't sleep with him, you didn't lead him on, you didn't scare him off by asking to be his girlfriend or anything. He liked you enough to invite you over so you're definitely a catch. He probably is just being an immature 22 year old guy and seeing what his other options are. Don't take it personally

[Sweetnothing]

I didn't mean to evoke such a reaction! Thankyou all for responding though, I have taken the time to read every one of them.

 

Can I just mention that this guy is super quirky? He does illustration, he lives with equally quirky housemates and didn't used to be attractive and finds it strange when people say he is. We talked about all this and he told me straight up that he would tell me straight away if he didn't want to pursue anything as he's had it happen to him, and same with me. I know his internet is a bit crap, and it says he hasn't actually logged on to facebook in over 24 hours, so I'm not really sure what to think.

 

Maybe I am being naive!

 

How do I go about getting my necklace back, it's a favorite!

 

Lol the reason people react so strongly to your story is because he's exhibiting textbook player behavior. He was charming, came on very strong, then after one date - nothing.

 

I don't buy it when a guy says he'll tell me if he's not interested. He's not gonna tell you he's not interested because women either freak out or forget about the guy who rejects her - neither is in his favor.

 

If you want your necklace back, ask him, but in a way that doesn't make it seem like you're desperate to see him. Ask if he can mail it to you or if you can drop by on your way to school and have him leave it in his mailbox or something. Ask him as if you have no intentions on turning it into a date because it might creep him out.

[apetoape]

Lol the reason people react so strongly to your story is because he's exhibiting textbook player behavior. He was charming, came on very strong, then after one date - nothing.

 

I don't buy it when a guy says he'll tell me if he's not interested. He's not gonna tell you he's not interested because women either freak out or forget about the guy who rejects her - neither is in his favor.

 

If you want your necklace back, ask him, but in a way that doesn't make it seem like you're desperate to see him. Ask if he can mail it to you or if you can drop by on your way to school and have him leave it in his mailbox or something. Ask him as if you have no intentions on turning it into a date because it might creep him out.

 

A player would have sealed the deal and slept with her. If a player brings you back to his place its not to cuddle you tenderly HAHA. A player would have would have been very aggressive and if he didn't get what he was looking for (sex) he would next her. Looks like he was trying his best to keep his confidence and is inexperienced. Seriously people?????? Good lawd

[Arieswoman]

Hi Gingerlee,

You know where he lives right? ( You must do because you went there ) So, if you haven't heard from him in a week, why not mail him a stamped, addresssed envelope along with a short note saying something like "Hi X, I just realised I left my necklace at your place would you be kind enough to mail it back to me? Thanks."

 

Personally, I don't think he's that interested, but let me know if I am wrong.

[Sweetnothing]

A player would have sealed the deal and slept with her. If a player brings you back to his place its not to cuddle you tenderly HAHA. A player would have would have been very aggressive and if he didn't get what he was looking for (sex) he would next her. Looks like he was trying his best to keep his confidence and is inexperienced. Seriously people?????? Good lawd

 

I didn't say he IS a player, I said he acted like one. And wouldn't you still feel "played" after being rejected by someone who said and did all the right thing and disappeared?

 

Anyway, I'm not going to argue whether or not he's a player. I came here to give advice to the OP regarding this particular situations, not debate player protocol.

 

No, he didn't sleep with her, but he's knowingly messing with her head. Player or not, people are very aware when they ignore someone. Guys are aware that women value communication. Player or not - he is AWARE that bantering for hours on the phone made her feel good and he is AWARE that his absence has been noticed.

 

This guy does not deserve an award for not sleeping with her, he's still willingly ignoring her. Whatever the reason, it's rude.

[Gingerlee]

I like the idea of asking in a couple days if he could drop the necklace to me. I also know for a fact he doesn't have a mobile too, while he was out of the room his room mate laughed at how we got in contact via facebook because the daft boy didnt have a phone or live in modern times!

 

Also I say this with utter disgust in myself but in reality, if this guy pushed me at all to sleep with him I might have been severely tempted. But he made no forward move. His hand wandered just a tiny amount, but nothing to be considered disrespectful or outside my comfort zone. He was very passionate and it was probably the hottest make out session I've ever had.

 

Also FB chat shows you when the last time someone logs in on their phone. It will say something like 3m or 8hrs! Hope that clears that one up.

 

He's online now but still has not seen my message or is talking to me at all. I feel pretty disheartened but I don't know. Is messaging him as soon as I see him online clingy? Maybe he's waiting for me to message him?

 

Why is this so difficult!!

[Gaeta]

Also FB chat shows you when the last time someone logs in on their phone. It will say something like 3m or 8hrs! Hope that clears that one up.

He has seen your message and I will tell you how.

 

When you register at FB you give an email. When someone sends you a message on FB a copy of that message is sent to your email account (hotmail, yahoo,gmail). From your email you can read your messages but in FB they will remain unread.

 

I have a friend who kept waiting for this guy's response and she went weeks wondering why he was not reading her FB message. She did not believe me till I tested it with her. From my couch, never logging in FB, I was able to read all her FB messages.

[Sweetnothing]

He's online now but still has not seen my message or is talking to me at all. I feel pretty disheartened but I don't know. Is messaging him as soon as I see him online clingy? Maybe he's waiting for me to message him?

 

Why is this so difficult!!

 

Because no one likes to be rejected. It's not HIM you're upset about. You barely know him. Believe me, I hate it too. I took a break from online dating because there was only one guy I was interested in and he wasn't interested in me after a few dates.

 

Save your dignity. Don't message him. It's fair to want your necklace back, but do NOT ask why he didn't call/text/message/smoke signal you after the first date. It won't change the way you feel, if anything you'll just get some lame excuse.

 

You deserve to be chased like a gazelle from a hungry lion. And when the right guy comes along, he'll realize what a special girl you are and make every effort to let you know how he feels.

 

Let this one go. Chalk it up as a learning experience. Don't be that desperate girl waiting around for some loser to log on to facebook. You don't need his attention. You were fine before, you'll be fine now.

 

You're only 20. Most guys your age are more concerned with "not being tied down" and other stupid bs than finding someone really cool to call their own.

 

Don't let a guy make you question your desirability. Forget about it. Get BUSY with other things and other people. Date more than one guy at a time and fill your schedule up to the max. Learn new skills, read books, watch movies, learn to cook, learn to play an instrument, fill your life with wonderful meaningful activities then the next time you go on a date you won't notice how long it's been since the guy has or hasn't called cos you'll be running from your yoga class to your hair appointment to your coffee date with your girlfriends to your volunteering job at the animal shelter and when you finally check your phone you'll have 15 messages from cute interesting guys begging to see you again.

[Gingerlee]

I know I'm seeing through rosy tinted glasses because our date was so wonderful, I do have dignity and knew sleeping with him first date would be a mistake, hence why I didn't do it. Lord knows I wanted to but I really wanted him to respect me.

 

Problem is, this is about the fourth or fifth time this has happened. Great date, great banter, cuddles, kiss, never anything more or less and I never hear from them again. My mother rings up for the gossip and she believes that she is the kiss of death because every time I tell her what a fabulous date i've had they never speak to me again!

 

I am going out for drinks tomorrow and a friend suggested I message him late telling him a certain box set I ordered came and ask if he wanted a movie night. If he doesn't respond, blame it on the drink. If by tuesday there is still nothing I will politely ask him to drop my necklace in to my tutor or something, because I just cant keep doing this anymore.

 

I'm always good enough to f*ck but never good to settle down with. I changed my ways about 6 months ago when my previous ex left me for a single mother after believing he was the one. I rushed that relationship too. It got intense very quickly.

 

I think I'm just going to have to breathe deep, suck it up, hope he texts but move on if he doesn't. I'm giving him till Tuesday at the very latest, because that's a whole week then and I think if he is truly as busy as he says he is, and really cannot access the internet as he says he can't then I think that's fair.

[Sweetnothing]

I know I'm seeing through rosy tinted glasses because our date was so wonderful, I do have dignity and knew sleeping with him first date would be a mistake, hence why I didn't do it. Lord knows I wanted to but I really wanted him to respect me.

 

Problem is, this is about the fourth or fifth time this has happened. Great date, great banter, cuddles, kiss, never anything more or less and I never hear from them again. My mother rings up for the gossip and she believes that she is the kiss of death because every time I tell her what a fabulous date i've had they never speak to me again!

 

I am going out for drinks tomorrow and a friend suggested I message him late telling him a certain box set I ordered came and ask if he wanted a movie night. If he doesn't respond, blame it on the drink. If by tuesday there is still nothing I will politely ask him to drop my necklace in to my tutor or something, because I just cant keep doing this anymore.

 

I'm always good enough to f*ck but never good to settle down with. I changed my ways about 6 months ago when my previous ex left me for a single mother after believing he was the one. I rushed that relationship too. It got intense very quickly.

 

I think I'm just going to have to breathe deep, suck it up, hope he texts but move on if he doesn't. I'm giving him till Tuesday at the very latest, because that's a whole week then and I think if he is truly as busy as he says he is, and really cannot access the internet as he says he can't then I think that's fair.

 

I will still maintain that the problem here is not you.

 

DONT ask him to hang out again. Drop it. Let him wonder why you haven't contacted him. He's probably used to girls chasing him. Don't! If he ignores you, you're gonna feel worse. Pretend he died. It's MUCH better when a guy reappears out of the blue wondering where you've been.

 

Don't buy the "crappy internet" excuse. You said yourself it was fine when you were there plus there are libraries with computers he can use and his roommates have phones and his friends have phones. Just accept that he maybe doesn't want to talk to you.

 

You did NOTHING wrong!!!

 

You were interesting, funny, dressed nicely, didn't get sloppy drunk, and excused yourself politely rather than overstaying your welcome.

 

The only thing I might recommend for next time is keeping the date brief. In this case it wouldn't have made a difference what you did, this guy seems like a pretty typical immature male. That's his problem. He missed a great opportunity don't waste another breath on him. Don't ask him to hang out. You would just be rewarding his dismissive behavior. The initial courting period sets the tone for the whole relationship and do you REALLY want to be with a guy who won't send you a two second sh*tty message? Forget him. Move on. He's not that great, I promise.

 

When you find someone who's actually worth your time and not some egotistical bonehead, leave him wanting more. Don't go to his place, don't spend hours on the phone, don't ask him for a second date. You're the desired object here. He needs to win you.

[GemmaUK]

I think you might have lost him at 'crop top'.

 

Sorry, but I don't think you will hear from him again.

[Gingerlee]

GemmaUk I had a high waist skirt on and only a flash of midriff was on show. Everything else was covered. I have a curvy body, very big breasts for my frame, a small waist and big hips. I didn't want to wear anything short or revealing. I thought I looked nice but maybe he thought it was too slutty? I don't know.

 

Sweetnothing, thank you for your response. It has given me a lot to think about. He was online last night for about 20 minutes and still hasn't clicked my conversation. (There is no tick box to show that he had seen my message) I have no idea what the heck he is playing at but I feel pretty bummed out about it. I really thought we had a connection. I will keep you guys posted on anything that happens, but I'm going out for cocktails tonight so I wont be thinking about it too much.

 

Could I possibly get a guy's perspective? Is this normal behavior from a dude? Tell the girl how beautiful she is, be the one to kiss her first, cuddle her but never touch her inappropriately, I mean we spooned on the couch for christ sake!! I am going beside myself wondering what I did wrong. I did get a leg cramp during a kiss but he was going frantic trying to relieve my pain and was rubbing my leg and kissing me gently to take my mind off the cramp. Why would he do that if he knew there and then that he had no intention of seeing me again? Why would he tell me he couldn't wait for me to meet his other room mate? Why talk about future dates so much then just never follow through?

 

*sigh*

[Gaeta]

Could I possibly get a guy's perspective? Is this normal behavior from a dude? Tell the girl how beautiful she is, be the one to kiss her first, cuddle her but never touch her inappropriately, I mean we spooned on the couch for christ sake!! I am going beside myself wondering what I did wrong. I did get a leg cramp during a kiss but he was going frantic trying to relieve my pain and was rubbing my leg and kissing me gently to take my mind off the cramp. Why would he do that if he knew there and then that he had no intention of seeing me again? Why would he tell me he couldn't wait for me to meet his other room mate? Why talk about future dates so much then just never follow through?

 

*sigh*

Oh hon! I am not a guy but I am old and I have seen this again and again. He did it because he could, nothing more.

 

See women interpret kissing and cuddling and all that romantic stuff as a sign of emotions, it's not. He was living in the moment that's it. You keep thinking he was a gentleman for not pushing for sex but I don't see that, I see a man that was waiting for you to initiate.

 

Also, he did not speak about a second date. *I'll see you soon* is not setting a second date. Most time I heard that after a date I did not hear from the guy after.

 

My advice to you: Keep your first date short and sweet. Even if he's amazing and you have a great time do not follow them home. Leave them on their appetite for more and leave after a couple of hours. If he brought you home you bet it's a habit of him to bring girls home.

[Gingerlee]

Thankyou for your advice. Do you think giving him till tuesday is fair?

 

Oh and his internet actually was really dodgy now that I think about it. It took him about 20 minutes to connect to it while I was there. But still, he was using his friend's phone to respond to my messages so I think if he wanted to talk to me, he would have done.

 

I'm trying not to dwell, as I really don't want this to ruin my night out with my girls tonight. But it's so difficult. I very rarely meet someone who I like this much, has the same sense of humor as me and talks about future dates. I just can't imagine someone being so cruel but to snatch it away from me.

 

The temptation to contact him is overwhelming, but I know I'll regret it if I do, so have logged out of Facebook for the time being. The constant checking his name to see when he last logged on is beginning to scare even myself!! Haha, Oh to be a girl in lust...

[Gaeta]

Thankyou for your advice. Do you think giving him till tuesday is fair?

 

Oh and his internet actually was really dodgy now that I think about it. It took him about 20 minutes to connect to it while I was there. But still, he was using his friend's phone to respond to my messages so I think if he wanted to talk to me, he would have done.

 

I'm trying not to dwell, as I really don't want this to ruin my night out with my girls tonight. But it's so difficult. I very rarely meet someone who I like this much, has the same sense of humor as me and talks about future dates. I just can't imagine someone being so cruel but to snatch it away from me.

 

The temptation to contact him is overwhelming, but I know I'll regret it if I do, so have logged out of Facebook for the time being. The constant checking his name to see when he last logged on is beginning to scare even myself!! Haha, Oh to be a girl in lust...

 

Do not contact him at all. He knows how to contact you and he already has a message from you waiting. Forget about the necklace, think of it as what it cost you to learn that lesson. Go shop and spoil yourself to a new necklace.

 

Repeat after me: He did NOT talk about future date !! He did NOT talk about future date !! He did NOT talk about future date !! He did NOT talk about future date !!

 

A man talking about future dates sounds like this: Are you free this weekend? About Saturday? Would you like to do something Saturday?

 

File it in your folder *stupid date that went nowhere*.

 

If you want to give online dating a chance you have to toughen up. You will go through a few of those. When it doesn't work,when you're disappointed, it's just another stupid story to tell ok?

[Mascara]

Also not a man, but also old... please don't contact him again, he knows what he's supposed to do. If you contact him and ask him out, all that will happen is be might reluctantly say yes because you've directly asked him (and many young guys aren't used to having to reject someone, so they just go on half hearted further dates and try to fade, hoping you get the message), and a week later you'll be right back to square one.

 

His silence is your answer. Send him a quick note asking him to leave your necklace at the college reception, but say nothing more.

[Gaeta]

About the necklace:

 

If someone visits your place and forget an item don't you contact them to let them know?

 

Unless this guy's place is a dump and your necklace is laying in a pile of junk he has seen that necklace and yet he chose to not let you know. What does that say?

[Sweetnothing]

You need a male perspective? "He's just not that into you" was written by a guy, here's some lines from the book that may clear things up (from a guys's perspective):

 

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out

He's just not that into you if he's not calling you

He's just not that into you if he's not dating you

He's just not that into you if he's disappeared

[Zahara]

Thankyou for your advice. Do you think giving him till tuesday is fair?

 

Oh and his internet actually was really dodgy now that I think about it. It took him about 20 minutes to connect to it while I was there. But still, he was using his friend's phone to respond to my messages so I think if he wanted to talk to me, he would have done.

 

I'm trying not to dwell, as I really don't want this to ruin my night out with my girls tonight. But it's so difficult. I very rarely meet someone who I like this much, has the same sense of humor as me and talks about future dates. I just can't imagine someone being so cruel but to snatch it away from me.

 

The temptation to contact him is overwhelming, but I know I'll regret it if I do, so have logged out of Facebook for the time being. The constant checking his name to see when he last logged on is beginning to scare even myself!! Haha, Oh to be a girl in lust...

 

Not a man but also old.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM. It's very simple, OP. There's nothing complicated about a man or woman showing interest in another. They reach out. They make an effort. They keep it going.

 

They don't disappear. They don't cease communication.

 

He even knows you go to the same school and Friday would be the opportunity to see you but he didn't even touch that with a ten foot pole. He's gone missing. He's showing you many signs and you need to get out of your fantasy fog and pay attention.

 

And this goes for the many others that you are going to meet on OLD. You have to have thicker skin and a boundary system in place if you're on OLD. You are going to meet all sorts of men and you must be able to be level headed enough to pace yourself and have a sense of clarity. Getting giddy and swooning over a charming good looking guy so fast so soon is not the way you want to start this off.

[Chocolat]

I am going out for drinks tomorrow and a friend suggested I message him late telling him a certain box set I ordered came and ask if he wanted a movie night. If he doesn't respond, blame it on the drink.

 

Nothing screams booty call more than a late, possibly drunken, text asking a guy you barely know to come to your house to watch [whatever]. Unless you are seeking a ONS, I don't recommend this approach.

[Strength in Healing]

Hate to say this, but he is exactly how I was at his age. I played 10-15 girls at a time like this. Granted, I never pushed sex (well, maybe tried with one out of the bunch at a time) but I lost interest in most because I was focusing on another.

 

Luckily I grew up and am now dating a single girl. But if he is good looking, witty and charming, and on an online website, trust me, don't waste your time. I know it is something you do NOT want to hear, but LISTEN... DON'T waste your time and energy. Settle for someone less good looking... or older.

 

He sounds like me at that age, and trust me, you didn't want me at that age.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[Gingerlee]

Hey everyone, figured I'd update on the scenario.

 

He messaged me this morning saying "What's up, sorry I haven't messaged you. I've been pretty busy and avoiding it because it's sh*tty; I had a good time on Tuesday but I'm not really looking for anything. I recognise it's basic dude sh*t..."

 

I was obviously devastated and contemplated going into an anger fueled rant, but held back and and held my dignity and simply responded with

 

"Ok is it possible you could drop my necklace to reception at college some when as its not mine and I want it back."

 

Then I cried on the phone to my friend for a while, cried a whole lot more then had a shower and got up. I feel pretty sh*tty as this is about the 4th time this has happened to me. He kissed ME. He talked about ME meeting his room mates. He was the one initiating the cuddling and holding hands. I figure he has met someone else or was not attracted to me and just wanted to see if he could get laid.

 

I feel pretty devastated at the moment, I really liked this guy. Onwards and upwards I suppose..

[Gaeta]

I feel pretty sh*tty as this is about the 4th time this has happened to me.

I am very sorry you feel like this hon, but after 4 times don't you think it's time you learn something? Talk is cheap!!! you know that now right? All the pretty stuff a man says on a first date is BS talking, we agree on that? Ok so now move on and don't let anyone else fool you.

[Zahara]

Maybe you should hold off on the dating for awhile. I read your other thread a couple of days ago about sending naked pictures to your supervisor and now this post about how you're so devastated after a few dates with this guy. It doesn't seem like you are emotionally capable of handling yourself well right now. When you're vulnerable, you tend to cause more issues for yourself.

 

You have to have thick skin to be on OLD and a strong boundary system intact. You have to curb your expectations. Pace yourself. You seem to be all over the place. One thing that struck me was that even after this guy was ignoring you, you wanted to text him that you had a box set to watch and wanted to invite him over later in the night. Red flag. It's as if you would go to any lengths to get what you want. You don't seem to be able to set healthy limits or boundaries to protect yourself but instead you're like a moth to a flame.

 

Step back from men for awhile.