It starts to get better the day you cease contact and cease to vest

[rosedl]

In whether they contact you....

 

My last break up was awful. It was more difficult because he played the 'I need space but we will get back together and work on it game after I have had some space game'. Space went into questioning the relationship entirely. I told him space to deal with real issues was one thing, space to go into his life long commitment phobic pattern was another and told him that waiting around was too much. This ended it.

 

I have more perspective on it now. I was going into my old co-dependent pattern of chase with him and repeating my life long pattern of seeking out unavailable men to validate me. I was addressing the issue in the relationship, and the relationship really forced me to look at this pattern and do some long overdue work and walk through what was driving it. It was probably the most difficult emotional work of my life because it was such a core pattern and ultimately had nothing to do with him other then the fact that he was the guy it was playing out with again.

 

Now, that the dynamic has healed somewhat, the drive to be with him and hope to reconcile has faded. I drove past his house the other night to see what my emotional reaction would be. Nothing. I saw his lights on, I felt zero desire to talk to him or see him. I wasn't upset or thinking about it after I drove by....it was a strong moment. I have been avoiding a long used route for six months to not get triggered and now it is no longer a trigger.

 

I don't want him back. I don't hope for it. I don't think it would be a good idea. The only emotion I can feel that is left is a bit of anger for some of the crumby way he manipulated me through dishonesty, but it is fading rapidly and not unhealthy. I should be angry over some of the things he did, though I realize he was being driven by the same wounded core I was exhibiting. It is just honest emotion. Not obsessive or all consuming and I believe it will poof out in just a little more time.

 

I am grateful for the experience, it really pushed some strong healing and the liberation I am feeling from working through this pattern is better then staying in the pattern and keeping that relationship. He didn't really want a full relationship and I am done judging him for it. I have my opinions on his deal but they are totally irrelevant. It is his life to live and his work to do and I could be missing something.

 

Break ups are a process. We haven't been together since the first week of November, and I have not had any contact for three months. No contact and allowing myself to just go through the emotions full tilt and grief and loss really helped expedite the process. It felt like forever during that period, but I realize I was engaged in my own work and doing it allowed me to come out the other side stronger.

 

I have recently started dating and I feel much more perspective around it then I ever have in the past.

 

Hang in guys. It does get better.

[Zahara]

Thank you for this, rosedl. Much needed today.

[lara 77]

omg

i cant tell u how much i can relate this thread you have posted

TO VALIDATE MYSELF!!!

[jphcbpa]

thank you for sharing...I have been on this exact same path regarding healing up some old wounds. Over 3 months NC has helped out sooooooo much. I am thankful for this time to work on me. The growth now seems to be multiplying faster each week. Exponential healing is taking place.

[rosedl]

Glad it was helpful.

 

I am curious as to how this will apply in the future and how I will handle connection versus detachment. I am a bit frightened of this new place I am because it is so far away from where I have ever been or how I have related. My relationships haven't worked out from a commitment perspective or the ability to grow together perspective. Obviously, I needed something to change.

 

I know a LOT about what doesn't work. I am a bit lost now in what does work. I am also concerned that I could be shutting myself down emotionally in order to accommodate the new perspective shift that feels honest, yet entirely unromantic. None of my own romantic ideas or ideals panned out at all and I know the solution to this problem doesn't involve me resurrecting illusions to stop my disillusionment. This has always been challenging for me, finding a balance instead of an extreme. It is quite confusing.

 

My framework is pretty toppled. One step at a time I guess.