Arvin_Solheim Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Hei everyone.... I had been a serial cheater since I started dating in an adult manner, sadly there hasn't been one single relationship in which I was faithful to my partner, I cheated on four occasions with four different people during my current relationship, I had never gotten caught until the last time I cheated(It is the most retarded story in my entire life) After all that non-sense I persuaded her to stay with me and all the efforts I had put into it had paid off, we've had our ups and downs since the event but one thing is for certain is that our bond is strong, I never want to cheat on her and make her sad, I'm very sure about it. the problem is in those 4 times that I had cheated I didn't want to cheat on her either, at least on 3 occasions...one occurred during the 1st couple of months of our relationship and I wasn't even sure whether I wanted to keep dating her or not, in this relationship I never sought to find someone to have an affair with and in all cases I was approached by other girls..... Right now it has been almost a year(10 months) since the confrontation.....She was on vacation with her family and I went out with a friend when he was taking out his girlfriend and her friends and cousin (there were a few others guys present) long story short, the girlfriend's cousin turned out to be this gorgeous and witty girl; immediately when we sat down, she sat next to me and started to converse and without knowing it we flirted for hours as if the rest of the group didn't exist until everyone went their separate ways.... that night my best friend warned me about the fact that although there is such a thing as harmless flirtation, I'm not capable of it and I should be careful not to be in the same situation again, I agreed with him and even though the girl was stuck in my head for a couple of hours tingling my stupid brain I let it go.... today my friend called me and told me that the cousin is very interested in me and asked his girlfriend for my number, he asked me what should he do and I told him, I was busy so I told him I'll call you later...... I obviously miss the attention from other girls and I can say with absolute honesty that cheating was never about sex rather than taking pleasure from being sought by someone hot (I know, I'm pathetic) There is now this state inside of me that doesn't want to cheat but also doesn't want to let go of the pleasure of having a girl drool all over you when there are single, eligible and successful guys begging to be noticed around her (Again, pathetic!lol) I've decided to keep my distance from her as much as I can but I know that I'll see her from time to time as my close friend is becoming incredibly close with his new girlfriend(the girl's cousin) and we meet almost every few days.... What do I do? is this feeling ever going to go away?
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Sometimes I lose my self-esteem and judge myself for just thinking these thoughts....I'm sure that I rather to lose all I have instead of cheating.... I had never experienced so much pain in my life as much as I did when I saw tears in her eyes...... Has anyone here been in a situation similar to this?
compulsivedancer Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Good friend: the one the warns you that you aren't capable of innocent flirting Bad friend: the one who offers a girl up as temptation for a cheater who is trying to reform. I'm not sure if it's the same friend, but really... I think it's normal to feel attraction to and crave attention from the opposite sex. But if you're committed to a monogamous relationship, it's up to you to fortify your boundaries so that you don't stray again. There is probably a certain amount of habit involved. You are used to achieving certain outcomes when you flirt. You need to retrain yourself to act differently with the opposite sex. Probably no flirting at all for you. You have to turn off the "I'm available" sign. (I didn't realize I could turn it off, until after DDay. This was something new for me). Pretend the women you meet are all work colleagues and unavailable. Treat them as people, not available women. Etc. Work with your therapist to get some help, develop a plan, reinforce your boundaries, etc. Not Just Friends is a good book too. I usually sign off with a "Good Luck," but in your case I think you really need some hard work instead. And maybe some cognitive retraining. 1
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 I'm not sure if it's the same friend, but really... There is probably a certain amount of habit involved. You are used to achieving certain outcomes when you flirt. You need to retrain yourself to act differently with the opposite sex. Probably no flirting at all for you. You have to turn off the "I'm available" sign. (I didn't realize I could turn it off, until after DDay. This was something new for me). Pretend the women you meet are all work colleagues and unavailable. Treat them as people, not available women. Etc. Work with your therapist to get some help, develop a plan, reinforce your boundaries, etc. Not Just Friends is a good book too. They are two different friends, I'm not that close with the one who offered to give the girl my number.... I don't know how much clearer one can get in the "I'm not available" dept, one of the times I cheated I actually told the girl that I have a serious girlfriend who I intend to marry and she just replied "Okay, that doesn't change anything between us". I get the feeling that girls my age or a little older are more intrigued when a guy displays the fact that he is "taken".... Until now the best way I've found to prevent myself from even noticing other women is having my girlfriend around me; whenever she's there I can't think about anything other than her, there can be the most beautiful woman begging me to look at her at those moments and I won't....but when she's not around my thoughts become weird(not at work but when I'm not doing anything) I obviously am a selfish person but I've changed a lot since 2 years ago when I started dating her.....the problem is that the selfish side of me still resides deep within me as a prominent force and is only out of the picture when I'm thinking about her or when she's around.....
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I don't know how much clearer one can get in the "I'm not available" dept, But your flirty actions and non boundaries show otherwise. If you are truly happy with your current girlfriend then you should not be so flirty and friendly with other females! You shouldn't need that big ego stroke. Work on yourself, that insecurity you have or whatever it is, and gain respect and boundaries/lines that you will not cross. Flirting and having thoughts can be controlled and stopped. It's a behaviour that CAN be changed if you really want to change your ways. 1
gettingstronger Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 You have dangerously low self esteem it seems. I think IC would be a good first step in having at least a shot at a healthy relationship. Holy cow, if we all went after everyone that flirted with us, we would all be in big trouble. Flirting is just that, flirting, it's not a demand and you should be able to with stand it. 1
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 I know that the problem lies within me and my personal issues... most of the time I know I over compensated for something else with my amorous behaviour during the past years. I have decided not to cheat on her and I'm 100% sure that should the situation arise I won't....the problem is the thoughts, they sometimes make me miserable and I have to get to work or write/read something to prevent them from bugging me....to this day I have not worked with a therapist, (I had a therapist friend who after one session described me as a co-operative but a difficult patient). does it really work? most of the personality issues I've had in the past years were fixed by myself, I simply focused my energy on other things and it worked; I think the only issue that remains within me is these thoughts (only issue I care about - the rest make me a cool person:P) Do any of you think that me trying to distract myself and prevent myself from such thoughts ultimately leads into it going away or it just makes it come back harder and meaner?
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 Holy cow, if we all went after everyone that flirted with us, we would all be in big trouble. . When did I say I go after everyone who flirts with me? It's the exact opposite.....I have somehow high standards (I said somehow because they mainly concern the looks of the person and not personality) and unless those standards are met, I barely acknowledge the other person's existence.....
Zenstudent Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Well, I believe that not all people are cut for monogamy and relationships. You seem to be one of them. What's the matter with being single? You can flirt and have sex with just as many hot chicks as you like without any guilt whatsoever. That's what adolescence is all about for many/most people. Sow you oats, try a lot of different girls, have fun etc. While being single, you can work on your self esteem issues and maybe later in life, you can manage an adult relationship.
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) Well, I believe that not all people are cut for monogamy and relationships. You seem to be one of them. What's the matter with being single? You can flirt and have sex with just as many hot chicks as you like without any guilt whatsoever. That's what adolescence is all about for many/most people. Sow you oats, try a lot of different girls, have fun etc. While being single, you can work on your self esteem issues and maybe later in life, you can manage an adult relationship. Easy to say, I've been in a dozens of casual relationships and dated quite a lot of people for someone my age and I did not feel an ounce of guilt whatsoever.... the problem is that I don't want to end my current relationship, I truly love my partner and she is the only girl whom I have respected as an equal (Smart, beautiful, sexy, from a prominent and a sophisticated family with background similar to my own). I don't want this relationship to end and I cannot imagine ending up with someone different or her with someone else other than me.....It's true that monogamy is not suited to everyone I agree and I used to think I'm one of those people but I'm in a situation that even if I am one of those people I don't want to be....I want to be someone who can ignore others for the sake of that one person who makes him happy..... Seeing how easily some people manage that makes me feel weak because all I can think is that I excel at a lot things that is impossible for them but they are committed and happy and they don't seem to be making an effort! Edited March 27, 2014 by Arvin_Solheim 1
Zenstudent Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Easy to say, I've been in a dozens of casual relationships and dated quite a lot of people for someone my age and I did not feel an ounce of guilt whatsoever.... the problem is that I don't want to end my current relationship, I truly love my partner and she is the only girl whom I have respected as an equal (Smart, beautiful, sexy, from a prominent and a sophisticated family with background similar to my own). I don't want this relationship to end and I cannot imagine ending up with someone different or her with someone else other than me.....It's true that monogamy is not suited to everyone I agree and I used to think I'm one of those people but I'm in a situation that even if I am one of those people I don't want to be....I want to be someone who can ignore others for the sake of that one person who makes him happy..... It seems to me that you want what you can't have, yet at least - a monogamous relationship with your GF. Do you think it's fair to her that she's in a monogamous relationship as far as she knows, while you just practice how to be? I suggest you set her free while you learn what commitment actually means. Or... suggest to her that you both can have a piece on the side once in a while, an open relationship. Nothing wrong with that - deception and betrayal on the contrary can destroy honest people.
jnel921 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I am afraid my ExH was a lot like you. Even though he had a hot wife he could not contain whatever it was he felt when he got attention from other women. This behavior cost him the life he could have had with me and his children. All of those relationships went no where. Unfortunetly when he married a second time he cheated on his then wife at least 4 times! He left her, divorced her and she destroyed him by getting him fired, arrested and ultimately he became homeless. 2 years later they have reconciled and he now lives with her , she got him a job in the building complex she lives in. Unfortunetly I don't beleive he will be faithful. I think he is desperate and desperate times calls for desperate measures. He has been doing this for the past 18 years and hasn't changed. There is something very scary to me about someone who says they don't want to cheat but will do it anyway. It's like I don't want to kill but if you put the gun in front of me I will just shoot it because it makes me feel like a real man. I think it's bull. There is a level of respect that you should have for your SO. Enough that would warrant a second thought. Cheaters lack this as the ego and selfishness seem to rule their mind. You may want to go to A therapist whom you don't know as they will be more objective. Not sure what kind of role models you had or if monogamy was something you witnessed growing up. No one deserves to be hurt or put at risk for STDs. I hope you figure it out one day. For now you should set your GF free. She deserves a man who doesn't struggle with wanting a loving and monogamous relationship and the decision to keep it in his pants. 2
chelsea2011 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Well, it sounds like you recognize that you lack the ability to feel remorse for your actions. That's a start. There are therapies that can help you although regular therapy will not because you are fully aware you do this and consciously choose to do it. The thing is, to feel un-inhibited loyalty you would need to have the capacity to feel guilt, shame and remorse and you lack that ability. Your core is different than your partner's and that makes the two of you incompatible. Google "manipulative men" and read about those personality types and you might find yourself among them. I'm not trying to be the bearer of bad news, but in order for you to change you need to seek out the proper type of therapy. A therapy that changes your impulsive instincts to pull scams on women to feed your ego. That's all your doing; manipulating women to win "their" adoration because you enjoy being in control. For some reason you feel like you're entitled to do this to people and there lies the crux of your whole issue. You're smart, know exactly what you're doing and do it simply because you can. In the meantime, these women are feeling abused by you and they are most likely feeling crazy too because they can't quite put their finger on what is making them feel this way. You leave a path of hurt and devastation with your actions. If you truly want to stop then do the necessary research and get the right help. And while you're doing that let your partner go so she can either find someone who is compatible with "her" core or decide for herself whether or not she wants to be by your side while you work to change your behavor - for real. Recognize that you don't have the right to treat people this way and stop feeling like you're entitled to do whatever you want with other peoples feelings. It's not attractive and when people figure "you" out they begin to view you in a different light and it's not a good one. Just sayin. Your partner needs to seek help as well to figure out why she is vulnerable to manipulative men such as yourself.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I obviously am a selfish person but I've changed a lot since 2 years ago when I started dating her.....the problem is that the selfish side of me still resides deep within me as a prominent force and is only out of the picture when I'm thinking about her or when she's around..... Why do you have such a strong need for external validation? From many of your comments, it sounds like you have very low self-esteem. You also come across as very immature and self-centered. FYI - A need for external validation is one the biggest common denominators for cheaters.
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 27, 2014 Author Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) Yeah all these advices on letting my girlfriend go is not helpful.... the reason I want to change my behaviour is her! otherwise; who cares? I don't want to lose this particular person and I only want to change in order to keep her.....like I said, before her I did not feel an ounce of guilt over what I did....She triggered this "need for change" in me..... If I'm going to be out of this relationship, I'll go back to my previous life style; I didn't find it boring or demeaning.....and it won't hurt me like it would hurt normal people(someone mentioned an ex husband) as I'm not susceptible to a lot of social boundaries(i.e: I can't get fired:D) Edited March 27, 2014 by Arvin_Solheim
Owl Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 If you want to change...then you need to actively work to change. Seek a therapist who can help you change. Confess your issues/situation to your GF, and see what she's willing to do to help you change. I'm curious...when you were caught this last time, did you confess all of your infidelities to her, or only the one you were caught at? I think you also need to give her the chance to make her own decisions on remaining with you...with full understanding of your past behaviors, and current 'difficulties' which make you a problematical partner for a long term monogamous relationship. 2
jnel921 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You should want to change for yourself. Not because your GF whom you have not been monogamous with now makes you feel you should and it's the only way to keep her. All women deserve to be respected. You are asking the opinion of many of us here here who have been crapped on by our WS. Telling us that if you don't stay in this relationship you will only revert to your old ways is not helpful to us. We all have put in a lot of work into our relationships whether to successfully D or successfully reconcile. That has to come from 2 willing people. Your GF doesn't even know the truth. So your relationship already has a shaky foundation. How long will that last? If you really do not want to hear sound advice then don't ask. I can understand why your friend/therapist felt you were difficult. No one is going to pacify you and tell you cheating is okay. To be numb after cheating is an issue. I feel more sorry for the people you use. I am sure you will do whatever makes you happy and this in no way involves your GF. Good luck to you. 1
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 You should want to change for yourself. Not because your GF whom you have not been monogamous with now makes you feel you should and it's the only way to keep her. All women deserve to be respected. You are asking the opinion of many of us here here who have been crapped on by our WS. Telling us that if you don't stay in this relationship you will only revert to your old ways is not helpful to us. We all have put in a lot of work into our relationships whether to successfully D or successfully reconcile. That has to come from 2 willing people. Your GF doesn't even know the truth. So your relationship already has a shaky foundation. How long will that last? If you really do not want to hear sound advice then don't ask. I can understand why your friend/therapist felt you were difficult. No one is going to pacify you and tell you cheating is okay. To be numb after cheating is an issue. I feel more sorry for the people you use. I am sure you will do whatever makes you happy and this in no way involves your GF. Good luck to you. That's a bit unfair....I've come to know people around me quite well since childhood and I believe there are a handful of people who deserve that kind of respect(No matter how much people tell me that everyone deserve respect, I won't buy it) I've decided to change because right now I'm in a relationship with someone who deserves my respect, someone who I can share a future with....It's not that I believe that ultimately if this relationship fails I can never find someone who I can love/respect this much but until that time comes I see no reason to make myself miserable.... I noticed this on someone else's thread as well in this forum that people here have this general opinion that "In order to be a good person you should be good to everyone, no exceptions", I'm just not that type of person, I can be nice to people I like and I can be faithful to those girls whom I deem worthy of my faithfulness......the reason that I stated the fact that I won't be trying to repress my habits if this relationship fails is that most of the relationships I've been in weren't really "equal" relationships, I always felt that the girls lacked certain aspects that I sought in a partner....Now I've found those aspects and of course I will do anything(lie to the entire planet) I have to in order to keep this relationship.....I'm willing to change and I think I've succeeded to some extent but only for her.....Not for others who may or may not be as good or better than her....
Author Arvin_Solheim Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 I'm curious...when you were caught this last time, did you confess all of your infidelities to her, or only the one you were caught at? I think you also need to give her the chance to make her own decisions on remaining with you...with full understanding of your past behaviors, and current 'difficulties' which make you a problematical partner for a long term monogamous relationship. At first I wanted to admit only to the one that was exposed but when she asked me whether she should be worrying about someone else telling her something I felt I owe her the truth(I usually don't feel generous with the truth thing). She knows what kind of person I am as she knew it before she started dating me; one of her friends was an ex-girlfriend of mine and she had told her in length about what kind of person I am(unfairly and untruthfully). I think she still knows that I'm having difficulties as she tries her best to be around at all times....We've had our ups and downs during the last 10 months(mostly ups)....She's doing her best to help me without saying anything upfront and I really appreciate that, the way she dealt with me cheating on her was perhaps 70% of the reason I decided to change myself....
Zenstudent Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Quote: "I like to think that my arrogance, impetuosity, impatience, selfishness and greed are the qualities that make me the lovable chap I am." By Richard Hammond. I really can't think of anything more to say than sustain my previous comments. If this is who you wanna be, then nothing/no one is going to change that. Change is only sustainable if you change your fundamental beliefs and the thoughts within your core. Is there any chance you could direct your GF here, and maybe join this thread so she gets a vote too?
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