Should have stayed NC...

[Cocochai]

I don't know why I'm beating myself over this and can't wrap my mind but me & XMM haven't even seen each other since Jan.

 

Someone very close to me passed last month and for whatever reason... I reached back out to XMM even tho... He broke it off the last time and wanted friendship, (it's been a cycle of/on for over two years). But because of the way it was done, I pretty much told him to kick rocks... I guess because I told him about this person when he was sick at the time, I felt emotional and reached out looking for that friendship we once had..

 

Well he calls me twice in a row to check up on me to make sure I was okay... Then gave me space for three weeks and called me again to tell me he got another job. I was happy for him and I felt like "wow, maybe we could still be friends" I felt my power come back to keep things on my terms only and not fall back into the sexual cycle. He told me I could call whenever I needed to talk/chat which I thought was strange because his BS can track the phone records.

 

I text him a week later asking him how's the new job and when he responds I say "I was only checking to see how the job was" and he replies okay keep in touch.

 

He texted me again to check up on me/thinking of me and I asking how I was holding up again... Said he was getting off work early and telling me what he was planning to do later they day.

 

But then a couple days later I knew his bday was coming up and I texted him a "hey happy early bday to you", and he never responded.

 

So now I'm feeling all offended like "did he get my text, was the BS around, I can't even get a dry thank you... Does he think I'm trying to get too personal?

 

My problem is... Why am I Beating myself up over not getting a response back??

 

It's stupid to pounder over this but not with just XMM but anyone who I would wish a happy bday would naturally just say "thank you"

 

Am I going crazy?? Lol

Edited March 26, 2014 by Cocochai

[Speakingofwhich]

I don't know why I'm beating myself over this and can't wrap my mind but me & XMM haven't even seen each other since Jan.

 

Someone very close to me passed last month and for whatever reason... I reached back out to XMM even tho... He broke it off the last time and wanted friendship, (it's been a cycle of/on for over two years). But because of the way it was done, I pretty much told him to kick rocks... I guess because I told him about this person when he was sick at the time, I felt emotional and reached out looking for that friendship we once had..

 

Well he calls me twice in a row to check up on me to make sure I was okay... Then gave me space for three weeks and called me again to tell me he got another job. I was happy for him and I felt like "wow, maybe we could still be friends" I felt my power come back to keep things on my terms only and not fall back into the sexual cycle. He told me I could call whenever I needed to talk/chat which I thought was strange because his BS can track the phone records.

 

I text him a week later asking him how's the new job and when he responds I say "I was only checking to see how the job was" and he replies okay keep in touch.

 

He texted me again to check up on me/thinking of me and I asking how I was holding up again... Said he was getting off work early and telling me what he was planning to do later they day. Did you respond to this text from him?

 

But then a couple days later I knew his bday was coming up and I texted him a "hey happy early bday to you", and he never responded.

 

So now I'm feeling all offended like "did he get my text, was the BS around, I can't even get a dry thank you... Does he think I'm trying to get too personal?

 

My problem is... Why am I Beating myself up over not getting a response back??

 

It's stupid to pounder over this but not with just XMM but anyone who I would wish a happy bday would naturally just say "thank you"

 

Am I going crazy?? Lol

 

(See bolded above)

 

No, you're not going crazy! Such is the nature of relationships; to overthink convos, etc, sometimes. These exchanges within an R are a bit hard to decipher when they're someone else's. You almost have to be there (be part of the convo) to get a feeling for what they're about.

 

I guess if it really matters text him back and ask him in a casual way if he got the B'day message. Or even something like, "You OK?" If he says, "Yeah, why?" Then you could say, "Just wondered since I didn't hear back after sending the birthday message."

[FoolishOW]

I'm not sure anyone would appreciate not receiving a response from a Happy Bday message, Cocochai... it's actually pretty rude. Having said that, my guess is you were beginning to feel comfortable in the "casual back and forth" you were sharing, and then he left you out to dry. Kind of like the "proverbial high five" when you're the only one who puts their hand in the air... you're left feeling "dissed", and somewhat rejected.

 

 

Best I can say is be honest with yourself. Maybe the ability to be in contact again raised a few more feelings than is easy to admit. Either way, let it be a caution to you (if he is in contact again), that there's a reason why you went NC to begin with, and don't be the one to let yourself get too comfortable. Nobody wants to feel like they've been "had", so be careful not to give this man that capability, dipstick that he is! Sorry you're feeling bummed out.

[Popsicle]

He wouldn't make a good person to go to for comfort.

[Cocochai]

I'm not sure anyone would appreciate not receiving a response from a Happy Bday message, Cocochai... it's actually pretty rude. Having said that, my guess is you were beginning to feel comfortable in the "casual back and forth" you were sharing, and then he left you out to dry. Kind of like the "proverbial high five" when you're the only one who puts their hand in the air... you're left feeling "dissed", and somewhat rejected.

 

 

Best I can say is be honest with yourself. Maybe the ability to be in contact again raised a few more feelings than is easy to admit. Either way, let it be a caution to you (if he is in contact again), that there's a reason why you went NC to begin with, and don't be the one to let yourself get too comfortable. Nobody wants to feel like they've been "had", so be careful not to give this man that capability, dipstick that he is! Sorry you're feeling bummed out.

 

Your right there is a reason why we always eventually go NC...

 

 

Yea I just think it's rude me personally but I don't want to over think things which I'm doing at the moment... When I'm pretty sure he prob saw the text... He's not that big on bdays but because it's forced on him he accepts it more and more each year.

 

I'm not going to reach out again to him but I want to mention it if he reaches out but then... It will come off as needy or something. The point is it made a slide back to the hot/cold emotions from him and I hate it.

 

I hate that I'm still stuck on having these feelings for him when I'm not a true factor in his eyes.

 

 

 

Why am I stuck on stupid??

[Cocochai]

(See bolded above)

 

No, you're not going crazy! Such is the nature of relationships; to overthink convos, etc, sometimes. These exchanges within an R are a bit hard to decipher when they're someone else's. You almost have to be there (be part of the convo) to get a feeling for what they're about.

 

I guess if it really matters text him back and ask him in a casual way if he got the B'day message. Or even something like, "You OK?" If he says, "Yeah, why?" Then you could say, "Just wondered since I didn't hear back after sending the birthday message."

 

I did but it was a short convo just to check on me and that he was thinking of me... he told me he was about to paint later and I told him to enjoy his painting festivities in a joking manner (I'm goofy at times).

 

Two days later I remembered his bday was coming up so I decided to give him an early one in case I forgot (a day earlier).

[herself]

Hey there,

A few thoughts, my xap (eap) for thirteen years went through that makeup to breakup cycle for years.

This last breakup was quite different. This time the nc was upheld by both of us for 2 plus months.

During that time much indifference was formed. I decided love doesn't die really but when its unhealth to feed it, constantly express it, when it cant grow etc then its kind of dumb, like watering a plant that will always stay a baby sprout.

 

So....I quit watering it, got back to my hubby and feed all my energy there, love myself, and VERY quickly the energy shifted and my heart isnt empty and broken and Im not dying for contact (but I WAS before, every second).

 

Now we talk via email. Its real balanced and healthy. He will speak of his wife and kids, he will wish me nice days, I will do the same....its just good.

But the point is to get there, there was a big gap of time, healthy reflection, and soul searching. The contact had to end for the cycle to be broken and lessons learned.

O would never say i don't love him anymore, I do. But I keep saying, he is not mine. His heart and loyalty are to his family.

It gets my emotions in check.

You gotta try a long period of painful nc and clean out your emails & texts, get rid of memories, even grieve the loss of the relationships and death of affair.

 

Then (though many disagree) you can try the friendship he requested. This cycle wont end and it hurts cause that push and pull and power struggle is addicting and you love him.

So you gotta make real changes and process a goodbye, before trying to connect like nothing happened.

 

Wish u the best. Promise there is life after him, but u gotta find that out by letting go.

[Snipercatt]

I don't call pople up and say thank you for the birthday card, which takes more effort than a text message, and I don't think not responding to a text is rude.

[FoolishOW]

Your right there is a reason why we always eventually go NC...

 

 

Yea I just think it's rude me personally but I don't want to over think things which I'm doing at the moment... When I'm pretty sure he prob saw the text... He's not that big on bdays but because it's forced on him he accepts it more and more each year.

I'm not going to reach out again to him but I want to mention it if he reaches out but then... It will come off as needy or something. The point is it made a slide back to the hot/cold emotions from him and I hate it.

 

I hate that I'm still stuck on having these feelings for him when I'm not a true factor in his eyes.

 

 

 

Why am I stuck on stupid??

 

 

Not picking on you, at all, Cocochai, but the first sentence I bolded is simply an observation. The fact that he "isn't big on Birthdays" sounds like the 'Oh so familiar justifications we make for their crappy behavior'... even if it's completely true. Regardless of whether he is or isn't big on Bdays, he obviously isn't "big" on manners. No need to hand him an additional excuse.

 

 

The second sentence bolded speaks to the statement I mentioned in my first response, which was, "maybe the contact conjures up more than you're ready to admit." Wanting to remain friends is often a very thin veil we use for fooling ourselves when we know we still want more, even if we tell ourselves we don't. I'm not sure it's productive to go down that "friendship road" if you're realizing you're not really ready. Let's face it, I bet you already have plenty of "friends". Head back to NC... you've now witnessed how easy it is to let yourself be brought down.

[Speakingofwhich]

 

Why am I stuck on stupid??

 

You're not. You're processing the R and your emotions about it. For most people it takes time and talking about it. You're doing great! Just keep moving through it all!

[BrokenPrincess]

Yes you are going crazy. Isn't it the worst to be spending so much time agonizing over a stupid non response?? Totally know how you're feeling...we broke NC a couple months ago, saw each other and then I sent the last email on Thursday. No word from him since then, which in a normal casual friendship wouldn't seem weird but of course I've been obsessing. Hopefully this is a lesson to both of us to stay NC going forward. Ugh...

[Sub]

His big mistake was telling you this:

He told me I could call whenever I needed to talk/chat...

 

Because I think you're right about this...

....which I thought was strange because his BS can track the phone records.

 

...and this.

"did he get my text, was the BS around...

 

Can't recall your situation, but did he have a D-Day? One way or the other, he shouldn't have been so cavalier about you being able to contact him. He's probably seeing and deleting things to conceal it, then maybe forgetting. I mean, the guy's married. You're not just a friend that he can tell his BS, "Hold on, babe, I need to text Cocochai back."

[gettingstronger]

Its OK! I am a BS and I could write a book on all the missteps and backslides I have had/done in my recovery-no matter what side of the triangle you are on, this is uncharted territory for most of us (I hope) and something we never imagined would be part of our lives-when I blow it, I tell myself before I go to bed " I will get up in the morning and try again"

 

Good luck-

[Cocochai]

Thanks to all who responded... I had to look at myself and ask why am I truly being emotional over this when in reality, I really could care less if a person would respond back but I would find it odd.., especially a female friend in general. I still say it's "rude" to not acknowledge a birthday wish. Others may disagree and that's fine.

 

My real problem is what's making me feel some kind of way and not getting a response. Pride and me telling myself I'm being needy, embarrassed almost. Although someone did bring up a good point that he was probably deleting and forgot to respond because.. That is what he does but it still shouldn't affect me w/ the no response. (I guess still making excuses for his behavior).

 

So I cried it out and it actually made me feel better and took the hurt away. Like he's not mine.. Never was and never will be (why would I want a guy willing to cheat on his wife"?

 

So I've decided to... Let him GO and stop trying to hold on. Because that's what's really going on here.

 

If a friendship can develop so be it but my emotions can't be involved at that point. If he contacts me again I won't be rude and not respond (just not me), but keep it LC.

[ladydesigner]

Most of us who have/had broken NC get that sort of a response down the line. I remember when my A ended and I would always obsess over unanswered texts. Not the way I wanted to be living my life. When I finally went NC for good with xAP, that was when the healing really began. As they always say NC=No new hurts. (((Cocochai))) keep strong!

[Cocochai]

Most of us who have/had broken NC get that sort of a response down the line. I remember when my A ended and I would always obsess over unanswered texts. Not the way I wanted to be living my life. When I finally went NC for good with xAP, that was when the healing really began. As they always say NC=No new hurts. (((Cocochai))) keep strong!

 

Thanks & your right on that because once I'm feeling good about myself and yes I may still think about him... At least I'm not in the hot/cold roller coaster.

 

Nc for the XMM is less stress of having to hide the A but what I notice is, once things die down on his end or he gets bored... He reaches back out.. And pulls away when the BS gets suspicious.

 

To answered someone who asked was there a Dday.. No but she found evidence he may have been up to something last year and it changed how our communication became ever since then. So last time he told me he was having "martial issues" and needed to focus 100% on his marriage for now and hoped we could be friends back in Jan.

 

So it's always been and will be on HIS terms. And I think what happens w/ the no replied, is an example of it being on HIS terms even when it comes to a "friendship".

 

Not something good to be in at all so w/ that said.. I'm taking back my power from my slip up and decided to put his # back on block.

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks to all who responded... I had to look at myself and ask why am I truly being emotional over this when in reality, I really could care less if a person would respond back but I would find it odd.., especially a female friend in general. I still say it's "rude" to not acknowledge a birthday wish. Others may disagree and that's fine.

.

 

I agree with you, Cocochai, that it's courteous to respond with at least a "Thanks" for b'day wishes. I would guess there's an explanation you didn't hear back other than he ignored or forgot your greetings. It's just that you don't know what it is so what us humans usually do in that kind of situation is usually to feel some rejection. Ime you're having a totally normal reaction to the situation. I know I'd feel the same way. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I'm not suggesting you do this but, knowing myself, I would find out if he got your greetings and then never speak to him again if he got them and ignored them. Actually, if that was the case (that he ignored them) it would really help me move on. Again, though, something different happened, I would think.

[whichwayisup]

It is rude and there's no excuse for it. It takes less than 5 seconds to text someone back a 'thanks for the b day wishes.' Either he forgot, didn't get your text or couldn't be bothered to make the effort. Hate to say it, but chances are it's the latter and if it is then you need to cut him out of your life and stop contact. The A is over and this so called friendship serves no purpose except it feeds your feelings, messes you up and makes you feel bad. Why do this to yourself? He is not a real or true friend. Hanging onto someone when you know it's over and not going anywhere is damaging and unhealthy.

[Cocochai]

It is rude and there's no excuse for it. It takes less than 5 seconds to text someone back a 'thanks for the b day wishes.' Either he forgot, didn't get your text or couldn't be bothered to make the effort. Hate to say it, but chances are it's the latter and if it is then you need to cut him out of your life and stop contact. The A is over and this so called friendship serves no purpose except it feeds your feelings, messes you up and makes you feel bad. Why do this to yourself? He is not a real or true friend. Hanging onto someone when you know it's over and not going anywhere is damaging and unhealthy.

 

It is rude and he's done a lot of other rude things to me but in his defense "not done on purpose"... I'll never know if it was done unintentionally or it was but either way, I'm still wearing my feelings on my sleeves.

 

I have never ignored him but he's gone cold turkey on me (shut me off) when his so called feelings were getting emotional involved and cut things off in not the way I would do if I knew the person could easily get in contact w/ the BS if she could. I have never brought drama to his world and never would (why would I).. I knew the deal but... He's taking my kindness for granted many times over the course of two years.

 

I'm going to keep him on blocked and just move on. I've never ever not respond to a text messages or calls and I just think it's about time I stop being disrespected. He can't be a friend because he can't even keep a convo of ours in his phone or even call w/out cutting it short.

 

I've said this many times before but the responses I'm getting from you guys shows how much disrespect I've been getting.

[imperfectangel]

Thanks & your right on that because once I'm feeling good about myself and yes I may still think about him... At least I'm not in the hot/cold roller coaster.

 

Nc for the XMM is less stress of having to hide the A but what I notice is, once things die down on his end or he gets bored... He reaches back out.. And pulls away when the BS gets suspicious.

 

To answered someone who asked was there a Dday.. No but she found evidence he may have been up to something last year and it changed how our communication became ever since then. So last time he told me he was having "martial issues" and needed to focus 100% on his marriage for now and hoped we could be friends back in Jan.

 

So it's always been and will be on HIS terms. And I think what happens w/ the no replied, is an example of it being on HIS terms even when it comes to a "friendship".

 

Not something good to be in at all so w/ that said.. I'm taking back my power from my slip up and decided to put his # back on block.

 

this is exactly how my mm was/is. he decided how we communicated and when. when we saw each other was on his timetable everything was on his terms

[whichwayisup]

It is rude and he's done a lot of other rude things to me but in his defense "not done on purpose"... I'll never know if it was done unintentionally or it was but either way, I'm still wearing my feelings on my sleeves.

Please, stop defending him and knock him down a few pegs. His sh*t stinks too, he doesn't poop golden turds! And, time for you to take your heart off your sleeve, detach from him as much as you can. That means learning and teaching yourself not to care what he thinks or feels. Toughen up your heart and put yourself first.

I have never ignored him but he's gone cold turkey on me (shut me off) when his so called feelings were getting emotional involved and cut things off in not the way I would do if I knew the person could easily get in contact w/ the BS if she could. I have never brought drama to his world and never would (why would I).. I knew the deal but... He's taking my kindness for granted many times over the course of two years.

Stop allowing him to treat you like this! It bothers me that so many people allow others to continually treat them like crap and stick around for the hot/cold - come here/go -cat/mouse game. He knows what buttons to push to get what he wants from you.

I'm going to keep him on blocked and just move on. I've never ever not respond to a text messages or calls and I just think it's about time I stop being disrespected. He can't be a friend because he can't even keep a convo of ours in his phone or even call w/out cutting it short.

 

Do it and stick to it! Draw the lines in the sand and make it impossible for him to contact you. You are right, he is no friend. Friends don't treat friends like this and that's a fact!

[Cocochai]

Please, stop defending him and knock him down a few pegs. His sh*t stinks too, he doesn't poop golden turds! And, time for you to take your heart off your sleeve, detach from him as much as you can. That means learning and teaching yourself not to care what he thinks or feels. Toughen up your heart and put yourself first.

 

Stop allowing him to treat you like this! It bothers me that so many people allow others to continually treat them like crap and stick around for the hot/cold - come here/go -cat/mouse game. He knows what buttons to push to get what he wants from you.

 

 

Do it and stick to it! Draw the lines in the sand and make it impossible for him to contact you. You are right, he is no friend. Friends don't treat friends like this and that's a fact!

 

I agree w/ everything you say but...

 

The only reason my heart is still on my sleeve is because.. Feelings are still there. Does anyone want to be disrespected on purpose? No.. But it happens. We're all human. If my feelings weren't still involved this topic would not have even been made.

 

I've ignored people I have no interest in and when confronted.. I give no F's because I don't feel the same way. I'm on the receiving end of him not giving not even two F's about my feeling and not only that... We were intimate and shared things.

 

The only thing I can do to get over this is continue NC. My only problem would and if he found a way to get back in contact... Would I be able to stay NC or tell him every reason I choose to stay away with regards to the no response Bday text that was sent if he asks "what's up".

 

I'm not big on holding my tongue which is why I decided to block his number so I wouldn't reach out and be emotional in a bad way to look crazy on why I never received a response back.. My temper can get the best of me so I know my limits.

 

I doubt the next A he has she will be as sane as I was because I'm sure he'll find another once he sees I'm done.

Edited March 26, 2014 by Cocochai

[SugarHibiscus]

It's rude not to respond to a text like that. Block him. (Easy for me to say, right?)

[Cocochai]

I agree with you, Cocochai, that it's courteous to respond with at least a "Thanks" for b'day wishes. I would guess there's an explanation you didn't hear back other than he ignored or forgot your greetings. It's just that you don't know what it is so what us humans usually do in that kind of situation is usually to feel some rejection. Ime you're having a totally normal reaction to the situation. I know I'd feel the same way. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I'm not suggesting you do this but, knowing myself, I would find out if he got your greetings and then never speak to him again if he got them and ignored them. Actually, if that was the case (that he ignored them) it would really help me move on. Again, though, something different happened, I would think.

 

 

Well, I decided to stop wondering and flat out text him "Just wanted to know if you got my bday text to you if not I sent one, did I get the date wrong"

 

I know I didn't get the date wrong but just want to see if he's doing this on purpose and will ignore or give me an honest answer and say yes but forgot to text. I'll feel worst if he doesn't respond but at least I'll know either way. And it will def make it easier to block.

[jellybean89]

Well, I decided to stop wondering and flat out text him "Just wanted to know if you got my bday text to you if not I sent one, did I get the date wrong"

 

I know I didn't get the date wrong but just want to see if he's doing this on purpose and will ignore or give me an honest answer and say yes but forgot to text. I'll feel worst if he doesn't respond but at least I'll know either way. And it will def make it easier to block.

 

So you unblocked him to send him a 'fishing' text?

 

You are still allowing yourself to be disrespected.

 

You two can't be friends...your too attached to him. If he has any respect for you, he would stop this back and forth game and let you go. He still gets an ego boost from you each time you send him a text.

 

When are you going to put yourself first? When are you going to really and truly let him go?

 

Time to put your happiness first.