Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 As much as you want to send that letter (and it was nicely written) I wouldn't send it. Just let t go. The thing is, he's trying to heal from this relationship and you sending that letter is going to undo any healing that he's accomplished thus far. He's trying to move on with his life and that letter is going to put you at the forefront of his mind. And that's not fair to either you or him. As much as you want to send it, I wouldn't suggest that you do that. Thank you. I didn't realize. I guess I was just thinking of myself. I'm trying to let go but damn I never realized it would be so hard.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 You ended with him because your parents wouldn't accept him. What about that has changed? Nothing. You can't use him because he makes your life comfortable. When you chose to end it, you chose to live your life without him. You can't have it both ways. Nothing has changed. My parents never actually met him but I know what they would say. True I should stop holding on and let go. It's just so hard to. Any advice on that?
Zahara Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Nothing has changed. My parents never actually met him but I know what they would say. True I should stop holding on and let go. It's just so hard to. Any advice on that? Dinaah, what about him do you believe may be unacceptable to your parents? I certainly understand where you are coming from as I know what it feels like to be controlled by the choices of your parents/culture/society, etc. What was so bad that you were willing to let him go to appease your parents?
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Dinaah, what about him do you believe may be unacceptable to your parents? I certainly understand where you are coming from as I know what it feels like to be controlled by the choices of your parents/culture/society, etc. What was so bad that you were willing to let him go to appease your parents? It was for two reason. The first was a cultural reason. I'm mixed with arab and somali and my ex was pakistani. My mom told me I could only be with another arab. The second reason was because he was born in the middle east and he wanted me to live over there with him. My parents said I could only be with someone who lived in the US.
Zahara Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 It was for two reason. The first was a cultural reason. I'm mixed with arab and somali and my ex was pakistani. My mom told me I could only be with another arab. The second reason was because he was born in the middle east and he wanted me to live over there with him. My parents said I could only be with someone who lived in the US. How old are you?
KaliLove Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Dina, do you agree with your parents restrictions? Do you agree that your parents should be able to tell you who to be with and who not to be with? I SWEAR to you that I'm not judging either way. If you do, that is absolutely your right and I won't ask again or try to persuade you otherwise. I'm just wondering because this is not a cultural issue that I have any personal experience with and I'd like to know what your perspective is on the situation.
SCJACK Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I believe you should go for who you want, as it is your happiness. Even though it's what your parents want, doesn't mean they are right. With time they will learn to accept it, it won't be easy. If you know this is definitely the person you want to spend your life with, I'd say go for it. That's what my parents did at least.. don't let other people make decisions for you, even if it's your parents.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Dina, do you agree with your parents restrictions? Do you agree that your parents should be able to tell you who to be with and who not to be with? I SWEAR to you that I'm not judging either way. If you do, that is absolutely your right and I won't ask again or try to persuade you otherwise. I'm just wondering because this is not a cultural issue that I have any personal experience with and I'd like to know what your perspective is on the situation. I feel like I'm on the fence with this issue. I would love to not have restrictions but at the same time I feel like my parents are putting them up for some reason. My mom always tells me stories about how wrong things with other people who married people who weren't the same race. I feel like she wants the best for me but at the same time her prejudices aren't fair. I want to have both my significant other and my parents in my life though so I'm not sure what to do.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 I believe you should go for who you want, as it is your happiness. Even though it's what your parents want, doesn't mean they are right. With time they will learn to accept it, it won't be easy. If you know this is definitely the person you want to spend your life with, I'd say go for it. That's what my parents did at least.. don't let other people make decisions for you, even if it's your parents. I'm just scared of my relationship between me and my mom going bad. My dad passed away when I was 6 so I've only really had my mom my entire life. I want her to be happy but I want to be happy too. Is there a way to get both?
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I'm just scared of my relationship between me and my mom going bad. My dad passed away when I was 6 so I've only really had my mom my entire life. I want her to be happy but I want to be happy too. Is there a way to get both? There is - but it takes practice. And one of you may not be able to crack it (I suspect it would be your mum.....)
SCJACK Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Your mom will always love you because you're her daughter (or at least she should, even though it may not seem like it if you date the guy) eventually she will have to learn to be happy and accept it. My ex's mom would go into extreme if she didn't want her daughter to do something she didn't want. Such as starving herself or threatening to kill herself. That puts alot of pressure on my ex because her moms life is at stake but even then, the situation is tough. You want to respect your moms wishes but how can anyone respect someone who doesn't respect themselves by threatening to starve themselves? You are still young, just go with what you want.
Zahara Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 While your mother is doing it from learned behavior from her own parents and being part of a prejudicial society, I can understand how she is adamant about not mixing races. That old school, hard core mentality. That's all she knows. If you don't condone or have belief in it, you should choose the way you want to live your own life, OP. Parents at some point will get over it and accept the decision you have made, but with every fiber in their body they will try and control that aspect of you. You have to be strong and steadfast in your principles and your choices and not allow that to determine the choices you make in life. As for you being 19 and moving to another country. I can understand that part being an issue. How secure is this relationship for you? Do you know him well enough to know that he will treat you well, even after you marry him? Do you really know him? How will his parents treat you? How will you support yourself? Will you be okay without a support system there? If something were to go wrong, who can you run to or how will you take care of yourself? The lifestyle and culture there is very different from the US. Will you be able to adapt and live comfortably? There are so many things you need to consider. And this will be life changing so I understand your mother having concerns. 1
KaliLove Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 OP, the fact that you're even on the fence about it when your mother is obviously very adament about her beliefs shows intelligence and maturity and the ability to think for yourself. It's very difficult to not just go along with what your parents have taught you, especially at such a young age. You should be proud. The reason your mother is doing this is because it's what she was taught..it's all she knows. There are no physical reasons for people of different races not to date each other..it's purely emotional. Zahara pretty much said everything I would have said already so I won't repeat it.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 As for you being 19 and moving to another country. I can understand that part being an issue. How secure is this relationship for you? Do you know him well enough to know that he will treat you well, even after you marry him? Do you really know him? How will his parents treat you? How will you support yourself? Will you be okay without a support system there? If something were to go wrong, who can you run to or how will you take care of yourself? The lifestyle and culture there is very different from the US. Will you be able to adapt and live comfortably? There are so many things you need to consider. And this will be life changing so I understand your mother having concerns. We agreed that we wouldn't think of marriage or anything like that until we were both done with college. (About 5 years from now) I'm not sure how his parents are, I've never spoken to them. His parents also have a similar frame of mind as my mom does but not quite as bad. He wanted to tell his parents about me but I kind of freaked out and that's when I broke up with him. I understand my mom's concern as well but I was planning to get to know him more before committing to moving.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 OP, the fact that you're even on the fence about it when your mother is obviously very adament about her beliefs shows intelligence and maturity and the ability to think for yourself. It's very difficult to not just go along with what your parents have taught you, especially at such a young age. You should be proud. The reason your mother is doing this is because it's what she was taught..it's all she knows. There are no physical reasons for people of different races not to date each other..it's purely emotional. Yeah I agree. My mom's not an evil person, she's just used to that frame of mind I suppose. I think it will be hard to break her away from her thought patterns but it may be possible. Of course not without a fight. But he's already out of my life now so it may be too late already.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Your mom will always love you because you're her daughter (or at least she should, even though it may not seem like it if you date the guy) eventually she will have to learn to be happy and accept it. My ex's mom would go into extreme if she didn't want her daughter to do something she didn't want. Such as starving herself or threatening to kill herself. That puts alot of pressure on my ex because her moms life is at stake but even then, the situation is tough. You want to respect your moms wishes but how can anyone respect someone who doesn't respect themselves by threatening to starve themselves? You are still young, just go with what you want. Of course not without a fight. Maybe after a long debate over it. My mom has always respected my decisions in life for the most part. This seems to be the only thing she's stuck on. But he's already out of my life now so it may be too late already. Wow that's really sad. Your ex's mom has a lot of underlying issues that need to be dealt with. I hope things got better for them.
Zahara Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 We agreed that we wouldn't think of marriage or anything like that until we were both done with college. (About 5 years from now) I'm not sure how his parents are, I've never spoken to them. His parents also have a similar frame of mind as my mom does but not quite as bad. He wanted to tell his parents about me but I kind of freaked out and that's when I broke up with him. I understand my mom's concern as well but I was planning to get to know him more before committing to moving. And getting to know someone from a distance is difficult. I'm not sure why you freaked out when he wanted to talk to his parents about you. You should have let it ride out to see what would have happened. I still stand by the issues of what life could possibly be like if you moved there. There are too many uncertainties and one of the biggest ones is you being in a place that is very much different from living in the US. I have friends from parts of his world that have moved to the US and none would trade the the life that they have here now. Love is wonderful but sometimes there are other factors to take into account as well. You are young and you need to focus on your studies. Maybe the timing just isn't right and if you are not strong and committed in driving this forward, maybe it isn't what you really want in your life.
stillafool Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 My parents said I could only be with someone who lived in the US. Why the U.S.?
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 And getting to know someone from a distance is difficult. I'm not sure why you freaked out when he wanted to talk to his parents about you. You should have let it ride out to see what would have happened. Maybe the timing just isn't right and if you are not strong and committed in driving this forward, maybe it isn't what you really want in your life. I talked to his sister, sister in law, and I've met his best friend. They all seemed to like me. And he said his mom would've liked me. I think I was scared that if his parents did agree I would have to talk to my mom and I wasn't really ready for that kind of commitment. I've always had a fear of commitment and I tend to push people. He lives in the US right now. He's studying here for the next five years and then moving back when he's done.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Why the U.S.? Not the US per se just a developed/civilized country.
Zahara Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I've always had a fear of commitment and I tend to push people. . And I think having to make such changes in your life for this relationship may have triggered your fears as well. Maybe this is something that really isn't for you, Dinaah. Your feelings to reach out to him are coming from a place of familiarity and being that it is still so fresh, it's normal that you want to seek him out. Now that you express your fear to commit, the issues with your parents, it's even more evident that you should let him go and allow him to heal. Maybe it would be wise for you to dig deep and also figure out why you tend to push people away.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Maybe this is something that really isn't for you, Dinaah. Your feelings to reach out to him are coming from a place of familiarity and being that it is still so fresh, it's normal that you want to seek him out. Maybe it would be wise for you to dig deep and also figure out why you tend to push people away. Yeah I don't think it would have worked out in the long run. I think I need to give it more time and allow myself to heal. I'm still young so I still have time to decide what I want from life. I already know why I push people away but I need to work on not pushing them away when things get hard. 1
KaliLove Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Yeah I don't think it would have worked out in the long run. I think I need to give it more time and allow myself to heal. I'm still young so I still have time to decide what I want from life. I already know why I push people away but I need to work on not pushing them away when things get hard. You're really 19? You sure don't sound like a 19 year old! In a good way.
Author itsdinaah Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 You're really 19? You sure don't sound like a 19 year old! In a good way. Lol I get that a lot, everyone calls me an old soul. I'll be 20 soon if it helps.
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