I'm thinking about shutting down my OKC profile.

[warrenorabbits]

So are you implying you're owed or entitled a response because of all this? Or do you think you're the only one on OKC with those attributes? No offense, but that's how your post comes off.

 

I get you're frustrated, but dude relax; you're taking it too personally. No response could mean a million things, it's not even worth wondering why.

 

If you decide to close it, you won't meet anyone new for sure. It costs you nothing to keep it open, so why not just leave it and see what happens? If you wanna close it, sure go for it. It's no hair off anyone's back but yours.

 

I've been on the receiving end of no response messages too, so I've learned to just roll with it.

 

No one is under any obligation to message me, just as I'm under no obligation to respond to anyone. I could brush off two or three no-responses just fine. But when I'm messaged the fifth ... and sixth ... and seventh ... person and they turn their nose up, I do take it personally. Especially since I'm somewhat selective about whom I message. I speak French, for example, and messaged a girl who had lived in France and also spoke French. Looked at my profile and didn't say anything back. Um, wtf? Am I "not in your league" or something?

[Hello_is_it_me]

I dunno if it's changed much since I did OLD 5 years ago (for a span of 1 month) but I think using some humor when messaging is the key to separate yourself from the pack. It seemed to work for me.

[Standard-Fare]

@Warrenorabbits, why don't you give us some samples from your profile, even if you just share the gist of a couple things?

 

I think one problem a lot of men have (not saying this is your issue, who knows) is using pretty generic-sounding, boring answers that they believe make them seem like "a nice, approachable guy." When really something unusual or funny or bluntly honest would make them stand out a lot more and also convey their personality better.

 

Many women have this problem, too, though. A friend of mine had me look at her online profile. She is wickedly funny in real life, will make you die laughing at outrageous statements, but her profile expressed NO sense of this. It made her seem like this bland, simple-minded Christian lady who has zero fun.

 

Also, pictures -- who knows how good-looking you are or not, but do you have both: a) at least two pics that clearly show your face (not fuzzy, from a great distance, or obscured by anything) and b) at least two shots that give an idea of your body size/frame? These are important factors.

 

A lot of guys have blurry "artistic" style photos that give no sense of how really look. Or they'll do only side-angle shots. Or they'll be wearing a hat in each and every shot, so you can't see their hair (or if they have any).

 

It's also important that these pictures are obviously fairly recent. Helps to label, like "Fall 2013" or whatever. Because you'd be appalled at how many guys just keep pictures there from their senior year of college, without thinking they need to update now that they're 30.

[thecrucible]

Yeah online dating is a real test of your self-esteem. I find it so difficult. I hate ignoring people and I write thoughtful replies to anyone who writes me a thoughtful message but I also hate letting people down, but you can't date everyone. In the end, you have to take it on the chin. At least I will try to be kind and honest so I don't hurt anyone but others find it hard to outright reject someone so they will fade instead.

 

 

Also remember that online dating is not real life. Don't judge yourself by how people react to you online. They don't have the benefit of knowing you in real life. A lot of people are really flaky and picky online. I think a lot of guys have that experience, even the really good looking ones.

 

 

I'm a girl and I'm not unattractive (not that looks are a big deal but this is part of the point I'm trying to make). I am probably a 6.5-7 and I get men interested on me online - some of those messages lead to more and some just fade into nothingness. It happens and I've got used to it now. The stuff that happens to you happens to me too. I'm on okcupid and I've only been on one date from it. I like the guys that get straight to the point so we can meet up and I can realise quickly whether there's a mutual interest.

 

 

It could be any reason why people fade on you but you wil never really know so why speculate? Some people use online dating for entertainment and as a distraction (I did in the past), some use it to genuinely find someone. The key is to weed those non-serious people out.

 

 

I would honestly keep an opening message brief. You can show interest and that you've read their profiles without writing paragraphs and paragraphs. Just say enough to throw out some bait and pique her interest. Then when you get a reply, you can maybe assess it from there and reply depending on level of interest. That's how I do it.

 

 

I am a sensitive person too and I sometimes take rejection online to heart. You are not alone but think about it this way. You don't find everyone attractive yourself, and people are just human. Put it down to human foibles and try not to get your emotions mixed up in it.

[fortyninethousand322]

O/T but I've never tried OKC but have had great success on Match.

 

Is OKC just another garbage dump like POF? If so I won't bother.

 

I tried Match as well for six months. Same bad luck.

 

OKC is full of educated (sometimes over-educated) professional types where I live.

[HappyLove]

Online dating is very tough! I created an OkCupid profile about a month ago just to see what would happen. I went into it not expecting much but still I thought that at least something would come out of it. But it's been really rough. My self confidence has gone down a lot since I opened it.

 

In the month that I have been on the site I have messaged over 50 girls and so far I've gotten responses from about 10 of them. But only 2 of them responded more than a 'Hey' and never say anything else.

 

And with the 2 that I did manage to exchange more than 50 messages with, one day they simply didn't answer back. I messaged them both again a few days later but I got nothing so I took the hint.

 

But that's what I don't get. Why would you exchange over 100 messages in the span of 3 days with a person and suddenly just ignore them? They had to be interested to some degree to get to over 100 messages. That's what baffles me...

 

Did you ever ask them out in between those 50 messages? They probably thought you were looking for a pen pal and went out with the guy who asked them to coffee after 5 messages.

[Chalkdust89]

Did you ever ask them out in between those 50 messages? They probably thought you were looking for a pen pal and went out with the guy who asked them to coffee after 5 messages.

 

I agree with this. There is such a thing as moving too quickly, but after too many messages and no talk of meeting in real life, I can understand why someone would think you're wasting their time on a dating site.

 

Like other people have suggested, could you share some parts of your profile?

[WP4046]

I agree with this. There is such a thing as moving too quickly, but after too many messages and no talk of meeting in real life, I can understand why someone would think you're wasting their time on a dating site.

 

Like other people have suggested, could you share some parts of your profile?

 

Why can't the phone wait for that? I mean don't you need to confirm the persin is someone of the opposite sex instead arranging a meeting over texting

[HappyLove]

Why can't the phone wait for that? I mean don't you need to confirm the persin is someone of the opposite sex instead arranging a meeting over texting

 

The point is when you arrange for a coffee date you exchange numbers then you can call to confirm date. At SOME POINT you should be exchanging numbers or setting up a date and that point is WAAAAAAAAY before 50 freaking messages! OLDing is to DATE not for exchanging countless emails or messaging.

[smackie9]

I agree with one of the posters, if you are not getting responses, then you need to change something on your profile, pictures or your messages. Don't put the blame of women for not responsing calling them judgemental, superficial, or looking for MR. G-Q. There is something that they are not finding interesting enough to catch their eye. You have to remember you are in competition with thousands of other guys, on these website and anywhere else. You have to advertise/sell yourself on a very competitive market. You can be cynical about how things are with dating, but if you keep fighting against the current you go nowhere.

[hasaquestion]

I agree with one of the posters, if you are not getting responses, then you need to change something on your profile, pictures or your messages. Don't put the blame of women for not responsing calling them judgemental, superficial, or looking for MR. G-Q. There is something that they are not finding interesting enough to catch their eye. You have to remember you are in competition with thousands of other guys, on these website and anywhere else. You have to advertise/sell yourself on a very competitive market. You can be cynical about how things are with dating, but if you keep fighting against the current you go nowhere.

 

This is why I sigh when I see people who have trouble with women trying to meet someone online.

 

Guys who are desperate look at OK Cupid and think "hey, here's my chance, there's 1000s of women on here, its more likely one of them will like me".

 

But women who go on OK Cupid think "hey, there's 1000s of men here, there's more likely to be a better one if I keep looking."

 

I don't have a profile but it seems pretty obvious from what I've read, that the liquidity of potential matches online (you "risk" a lot less turning someone down out of a pool of thousands than in real life) makes it the worst place to look if you have a hard time with women.

 

In real life you are more than a page with credentials and a two-dimensional smile.

[greenman77]

Did you ever ask them out in between those 50 messages? They probably thought you were looking for a pen pal and went out with the guy who asked them to coffee after 5 messages.

 

One of them I didn't but the other I asked for her phone number and she told she that she would rather just keep using OkCupid 'if that's ok with me'.

Edited March 26, 2014 by greenman77

[WP4046]

One of them I didn't but the other I asked for her phone number and she told she that she would rather just keep using OkCupid 'if that's ok with me'.

 

 

That means she was a MAN or a 13 year old girl

[greenman77]

That means she was a MAN or a 13 year old girl

 

Yeah probably haha!

[drg2365]

I tried it out and had zero luck. It was invented, and still remains for older people who maybe don't have the energy and where with-all to get out as much.

 

Delete your profile, I did. Women who are decently attractive and under 35 will be asked out in real life. The furthest I got was 3 dates with some girl that lived with her parents, and that was considered lucky. The other date I had I never saw again. That was after about 120 women messaged in 2 months, with only about 10 who responded.

 

Its not for younger people. its just not. Women aren't really to blame either, they get probably more than a hundred emails in a month. Its a bizarre dynamic.

 

Ever wonder why dating site commercials feature extremely attractive couples or just women alone? Its to get more of them to sign up.

 

The only person I've ever met in real life who met their current partner online is my cousin. She landed a captain in the air force who flies a jet 6 years older than her. Talked to her about it and my lack of success, she got asked out enough in real life, openly admitted to never responding to people because she didn't feel like it or felt bad if it was just worthless banter.

 

So just delete it, its all fake except for rare cases and/or extreme luck

[WP4046]

OLD only works if you are attractive. I have no issue with it

[warrenorabbits]

In real life you are more than a page with credentials and a two-dimensional smile.

 

Thesis statement of this thread.

 

I don't really feel comfortable sharing my profile on this forum, but I've had another look at it. My pictures are fine, and two of them are full-body. The one thing I can think of is maybe I'm too intimidating? I have some fairly obscure books list as favourites. But I try to be down-to-earth and funny in other parts. My sense of humour comes through.

 

I did have a woman message me yesterday, though. And gay men contact me on a fairly frequent basis. I guess I could just chalk it up to the fact that I can't really express myself in three pictures and an FAQ, but that doesn't do a lot to encourage me as it is.

[drg2365]

Thesis statement of this thread.

 

I don't really feel comfortable sharing my profile on this forum, but I've had another look at it. My pictures are fine, and two of them are full-body. The one thing I can think of is maybe I'm too intimidating? I have some fairly obscure books list as favourites. But I try to be down-to-earth and funny in other parts. My sense of humour comes through.

 

I did have a woman message me yesterday, though. And gay men contact me on a fairly frequent basis. I guess I could just chalk it up to the fact that I can't really express myself in three pictures and an FAQ, but that doesn't do a lot to encourage me as it is.

 

Dude get offline now. Focus on various things in real life. That was what I learned.

 

You do know that a message and/or response does not mean you already have a gf? Not trying to be disrespectful at all, you sound very smart and coherent. Look at my story. The best I did was 3 dates with a girl who rejected me for a fourth. Out of a horrific 2 women gone out with out of about 120 people messaged over my 60 day sub.

 

A 'response' generates the game of getting a number or setting up a date. Your odds go down. Once you get to a date it becomes real life stuff and you navigate the numerous crossroads that entails. Also consider my cousin's story of basically ignoring all of her messages and replying to the ones she found both attractive, clever, and thought their profile was awesome. IF she even felt like it. It's not women's fault at all, its just a game that has very little real-life repercussions unless something significant happens in real life.

 

Its a game that is driven by the fact people throw money at these sites and they stay in business. They stay in business for the fact there are legitimate stories of people finding love. Which is sweet, but the odds are terrible. Men and women join for different reasons. Women will be asked out and given a better impression in real life. You ask for a girl's number at the store? You're getting a yes or no. You email someone because you both like sushi? Give that about a 1-5% chance you will ever see them in person. Much less date them (.01%?)

 

Do what I did, chalk it up to a learning experience and get off now. Would you ever spit one of those emails to a girl in a bookstore/mall/bar? I wouldn't have. I'm just focusing on being the best I can be on something that is not a website

Edited March 27, 2014 by drg2365

[topaMAXX]

I'm starting to see a pattern here and it's called negative attitude. being negative is like a poisonous vapor. You may not know it but people around you do.

 

Negative experiences create negative attitudes.

[Standard-Fare]

The one thing I can think of is maybe I'm too intimidating? I have some fairly obscure books list as favourites.

 

Just to be completely honest with you since I don't know you: The above reads as pretty arrogant. Whether or not that's a problem in your profile, who knows.

 

And just a general comment: A lot of guys go too far in listing their fave books, music, movies -- as if that completely defines them. No one cares enough to go through anyone else's list of their top 30 bands.

[smackie9]

Negative experiences create negative attitudes.

I'm talking about the OP, and not just about OLD, irl too. If you get cynical you may as well forget about dating all together. Rejection should be a learning tool, not something to cry in your cornflakes about every morning.

[fortyninethousand322]

I'm talking about the OP, and not just about OLD, irl too. If you get cynical you may as well forget about dating all together. Rejection should be a learning tool, not something to cry in your cornflakes about every morning.

 

I think it can be both things.

 

And there's another word for cynicism. It's called "realism"...

[slizl]

OLD is rough period. I would consider myself around an 8 looks wise and I am also 6'4 (which helps a lot). I have a good job and hold my own with women in real life. My response rate was right around 20% (1/5) from women that I messaged on Match.com. If you put me in a bar with the other 80%, I would be willing to bet that maybe 50% of those women would be interested. These women have thousands of options in OLD and can be very choosy (way more choosy than real life). You aren't 6'0? No response. You have a kid? No response. You aren't a 9 in the looks catagory? No response. OLD definitely deflates the old (pun intended) ego. Just keep plugging away and maybe try new messaging styles. I had an AMAZING profile that received a ton of compliments btw.

[drg2365]

OLD is rough period. I would consider myself around an 8 looks wise and I am also 6'4 (which helps a lot). I have a good job and hold my own with women in real life. My response rate was right around 20% (1/5) from women that I messaged on Match.com. If you put me in a bar with the other 80%, I would be willing to bet that maybe 50% of those women would be interested. These women have thousands of options in OLD and can be very choosy (way more choosy than real life). You aren't 6'0? No response. You have a kid? No response. You aren't a 9 in the looks catagory? No response. OLD definitely deflates the old (pun intended) ego. Just keep plugging away and maybe try new messaging styles. I had an AMAZING profile that received a ton of compliments btw.

 

All of this. Op, just get off of the OLD site. Its a joke that only works in certain, very specific, dynamics. I totally understand how addicting it is to send messages and think that 'wow, that girl seems cool' but its NOT real life. Read my earlier posts. It wasn't invented for people in their 20s who aren't good at dating, but the websites found a huge market in people that will put a dent in their credit cards for the chance. Like the above poster said, and my experience looking at women's profiles, and my cousin who gave me an honest-to-god view of women on those profiles ALL combined. If you aren't super special (how is totally individual, but like my cousin story - jet pilot meets preschool teacher) forget it.

 

Its essentially just a roulette wheel. A 9/10 women who's profile reads 'I eat bugs and play in mud' will get emails! And lack of replies are not about women being mean! Its the bizarre dynamic of how this whole thing is marketed. Women 'generally' go on for attention or see what kind of guys email them. Men 'generally' go on because they want a relationship and suck about going about that in various ways real life. I'm one of those people. OLD nearly killed my entire confidence and I learned to never do that again and be a better person in real life.

 

Think of it like this, 'online now' on match for women 20-25 will generate about 100 hits, 'active within 24 hours' will generate more, and so on. I live in a metropolis of 4.5 million people. You get the idea. GET OFF if you are feeling a kick in the nuts about the results

Edited March 27, 2014 by drg2365

[RedRobin]

That's great. There are a lot of reasons why OkC sucks. A few of them have been discussed here on LS.

 

 

The paid sites are better... but you really can't have the right attitude about it unless you are treating it as a backup and not the primary way you meet people.

 

 

I'd suggest working on your social skills in some other way.