I never fade out aka Tinder hookup update

[kaylan]

This is an update to my first Tinder hookup from last month, as well as a way for me to share my thoughts on the fade out that people do in dating.

 

Ive had it happen to me before where a woman I was interested in (or dated or slept with) gradually slows contact before we stop talking. And the times it sucked the most is when you didnt get an honest explanation for why they werent into it. However, being told the honest truth about why they are bailing is a swift kick to the ego in its own right.

 

Though veterans of the forum know Ive made a few changes in the way I approach dating since Ive joined the forum, one thing I cannot alter is my honest nature. When deciding I want to discontinue things with a woman, or not pursue things future, Im always upfront. And in the beginning Im always upfront about my intentions. This way they know what they are getting into, and cannot say I used them. Plus I dont want to lead on or use anyone intentionally anyways.

 

Ive discovered, thanks to a recent situation, that despite what a guy does sometimes, a girl will feel used if she doesnt get exactly what she wants out of it, even if you were upfront and honest the whole time. Heres the original breakdown of that situation, and thishere is the first update. Now onto the second update;

 

Our contact slowed over the last few weeks, and last week while I was on a date, she was texting me and I told her I was out with a friend. She said to just hit her up the next day. I didnt hit her up again because I just didnt feel the urge to, plus I didnt see the reason in having pointless text conversation.

 

However as each day went by, I did feel guilty. Why? Because I know it sucks to not know why or when someone just wants to part ways. So instead of looking like the kind of guy who simply falls off the map and never talks to a woman again, I thought to text her and just let her know I wasnt gonna be around. She ended up texting me today (a week after telling me to hit her up), read the exchange here taken from my phones text xml file and pasted in excel (im in red).

 

 

So *shrug* I dunno what the girl wants to hear. We hooked up and thats that. What does she expect? We werent friends before hooking up, and I didnt feel comfortable remaining in contact after deciding I didnt want to continue the physical relationship. Our conversations had just become boring, and it was clear we didnt make good friends. We had a physical connection, and that seemed about it.

 

My conscious is clear though because while I hate rejecting someone, I was honest and upfront about it.

Edited March 25, 2014 by kaylan

[smackie9]

It's not what the girl wants to hear it's what the girl expects. To a girl if you really like someone you sleep with them because you feel an emotional connection. That's how women are, most will not sleep with a guy unless there is something there. This is what she was going by, and the majority of women you have dated. So you sleeping with her was an indication to her that there was a emotional connection and that you were interested in her enough to begin a relationship.

 

By you telling them that you are not interested or just no bothering to call back in a timely manner, they feel used. It's just a women's perspective about sex. I totally understand men don't have a need for emotional connection to have sex. Sex is just sex, BUT to most women it's not. Giving you sex means something to them, it hold value, and to be rejected, they feel you used them.

 

So to avoid this situation is to either hold off on sex and really get to know them to the point you do feel a strong attraction to them or you tell them that it's casual and you are not looking for something serious.

 

But hey if you want to go by "They are offering I'm going to take it" then just deal with the bull s hit that goes with doing that.

[kaylan]

Considering this woman didn't really know me, was telling me how much she liked my body, and was sending me raunchy pics, I don't think her motivation for sex was emotion at all. I think shes just upset that it ended up being a one time thing. I think thats why she feels used, because its not going further as a friends with benefits or a just friends arrangement.

 

And this woman knew it was casual. We both told each other that we were looking to have fun. I thought I mentioned that we both went into it knowing it was for casual fun.

Edited March 25, 2014 by kaylan

[smackie9]

OK fair enough, I'm guessing she was under the impression this was going to continue. BUT just because it was casual, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve the same courtesy as if you were dating. It was kind of douchey still.

[kaylan]

OK fair enough, I'm guessing she was under the impression this was going to continue. BUT just because it was casual, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve the same courtesy as if you were dating. It was kind of douchey still.

I guess Im just failing to see how it was douchey. If you read each of the links I shared, I was upfront with this chick every step of the way. It would have been lamer if I sat and faked a friendship.

[SammySammy]

OP, can you explain something to me?

 

Can you tell me why you would meet her and only have sex with her one time? Even if it's just casual, what is the motivation behind communicating enough to have sex only one time? Why not two times or seven times or nineteen times?

 

Women have been posting about this from their perspective a lot lately.

 

I'm not judging. I'm really just trying to understand. I think your perspective could be helpful to many.

[smackie9]

What a load of rubbish. Who told you men don't need an emotional connection for sex?

 

"Giving you sex"? LOL. Where do you get these phrases from? Sex is give and take from both sides. It is a mutual consent and both parties are just as invested in it unless stated otherwise.

 

It is not some one way highway.

Good god I know ( most not all) men don't need emotional connection BUT yes I know lots of men choose to only have an emotional connection when it comes to sex.....nothing wrong with that.

 

Lets ask the OP if he felt an emotional connection with this women or was he just horny. I'm gonna go with horny.

 

I say given because that is how a lot (not all) women feel about sex. I'm not displacing that sex isn't give and take. women look at sex differently than men. That is why women have most of the control of who gets it and when. And I'm not saying men are willing to have sex at the drop of a hat, it is that men are more willing to have it than women. It's just the way it is we are made differently even tho we are all pink in the middle. Sure we see sex on all different levels but with women it is more emotional then men. Sex is just an act, not an emotion.

Edited March 26, 2014 by smackie9

[smackie9]

And to cover my ass even more, yes men are capable of being intimate on an intense emotional level. I'm not sayin that can't.

[kaylan]

OP, can you explain something to me?

 

Can you tell me why you would meet her and only have sex with her one time? Even if it's just casual, what is the motivation behind communicating enough to have sex only one time? Why not two times or seven times or nineteen times?

 

Women have been posting about this from their perspective a lot lately.

 

I'm not judging. I'm really just trying to understand. I think your perspective could be helpful to many.

My original thread stated this. My intention was to have an ongoing physical relationship. But I just didnt feel the chemistry and things felt off when I was with that woman. So I just didnt have the urge afterwards to continue like I have in the past with other FWBs.

 

Good god I know ( most not all) men don't need emotional connection BUT yes I know lots of men choose to only have an emotional connection when it comes to sex.....nothing wrong with that.

 

Lets ask the OP if he felt an emotional connection with this women or was he just horny. I'm gonna go with horny.

 

I say given because that is how a lot (not all) women feel about sex. I'm not displacing that sex isn't give and take. women look at sex differently than men. That is why women have most of the control of who gets it and when. And I'm not saying men are willing to have sex at the drop of a hat, it is that men are more willing to have it than women. It's just the way it is we are made differently even tho we are all pink in the middle. Sure we see sex on all different levels but with women it is more emotional then men. Sex is just an act, not an emotion.

One thing dating has told me is that a lot of what you said, and what Ive learned from movies and tv, is just false. There are more women out there than you think who disconnect emotions from sex. And there are loads of men who get emotionally attached after having sex with a woman. After accepting the reality that a woman might not become attached to me after sex, Ive done better with dating. Ive gotten burned in the past when expecting that a woman giving me her body meant that she was much attached to me, or wanted anything more than a physical relationship.

 

Id say many women nowadays can view sex the same way men do. Its why so many women are promiscuous when compared to past generations. And with that said, I think women "control" sex because they have the most to lose with regard to reputation, pregnancy, and physical safety. I think that has more to do with it rather than viewing sex with a different emotional capacity than men.

[Emilia]

My conscious is clear though because while I hate rejecting someone, I was honest and upfront about it.

I think you make a huge emotional statements to women you barely know. It's like you get off on drama and it's reflected in your threads as well too to be honest. You forever fall out with posters, bicker, etc. You do the same with women you've met once or twice. You need to find a way to be less emotional and more stable. You could have handled those conversations in the screenshots in a much kinder but still honest manner. Perhaps by calling them rather than texting or messaging. The fact that you couldn't be bothered to speak to them on the phone kind of makes all your statements about your 'clear conscious' void.

 

You love to create an argument where there should be none.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Heh I think K is just passionate and intense.

[Els]

You are genuinely the first person I have ever come across who creates Excel spreadsheets from text conversations with a woman he hooked up with to display them to a forum.

 

It was just a hookup. This is just so much unnecessary drama, from the texts you sent her to the verbatim play-by-play here that you put so much effort into.

 

If hookups are not for you then just don't do them. You don't need all these lengthy explanations. If she is having sex with you this early on, chances are she isn't expecting or even wanting all this.

[Emilia]

Heh I think K is just passionate and intense.

I think he has trouble containing his emotions in a stable and predictable manner.

[kaylan]

I think you make a huge emotional statements to women you barely know. It's like you get off on drama and it's reflected in your threads as well too to be honest. You forever fall out with posters, bicker, etc. You do the same with women you've met once or twice. You need to find a way to be less emotional and more stable. You could have handled those conversations in the screenshots in a much kinder but still honest manner. Perhaps by calling them rather than texting or messaging. The fact that you couldn't be bothered to speak to them on the phone kind of makes all your statements about your 'clear conscious' void.

 

You love to create an argument where there should be none.

Huge emotional statements? Please quote where I made huge emotional statements to the woman involved. I was basically matter of fact, honest, and to the point with her. I think I was plenty kind to the girl. Im not going to lie to her. Do you want the truth, or do you want a guy to lie about bailing on you?

 

Seems guys cant win here. When honest, people complain about it...and when guys go poof without any explanation, we get complaints about it.

You are genuinely the first person I have ever come across who creates Excel spreadsheets from text conversations with a woman he hooked up with to display them to a forum.

 

It was just a hookup. This is just so much unnecessary drama, from the texts you sent her to the verbatim play-by-play here that you put so much effort into.

 

If hookups are not for you then just don't do them. You don't need all these lengthy explanations. If she is having sex with you this early on, chances are she isn't expecting or even wanting all this.

Hookups work for me, but not with every girl. If the chemistry is off, I end it.

 

Whats wrong with a quick excel spread sheet? Its no different than how many of you here summarize or quote detailed conversations in your own dating lives. Im just too lazy to do all that type, and Id rather people see exactly what was said, rather than me make a huge post that people will skim.

 

But at least now I know exactly why men arent honest with women. Your reactions as well as the reaction of the woman I hooked up with, are exactly why men go poof without a word. Seems much easier to deal with. Next time I wont let my conscious convince me to keep someone out of the dark. =P

I think he has trouble containing his emotions in a stable and predictable manner.

Youre right. Honesty isnt predictable in the realm of dating, especially not in the realm of FWBs. I should do whats expected of my gender from now on and just disappear when Im finished with a woman

 

Tbh, you two gals are making this more than it is. I updated everyone just so women here could see that some men out there are honest when they want to discontinue things. I also wanted to give people more insight into the male side of the hookup situation. My emotions are very stable and just fine. After the last text from that girl, I shrugged it off and stopped caring. Im back to focusing on the new girl Ive been saying.

 

No biggie.

Edited March 26, 2014 by kaylan

[clia]

You keep saying you were up front with her, but you weren’t. You were wishy washy. I took a look at your previous thread and the first text conversation you posted where supposedly you laid it out for her. Unfortunately, I can’t quote it directly since it is in Excel, but this is what you said:

 

“Well, I figure I needed to be honest now rather than later. Like I told you, I never have really done the Tinder thing before, and its reeeealllly rare that I do anything like that. But while I did have fun last week, I just felt off at the end of everything.

 

We got on well, you’re really chill, and Serena is a blast too…but I don’t think Im the kinda guy who can just screw around with someone I don’t know that well and not feel weird about it after. I mean I know this might make me a jackass, considering I do kinda know how most people use the app…but I really didn’t expect to feel this way afterwards.

 

Btw this is not me saying I just wanna disappear. I don’t do things like that. I just had to be upfront.”

 

You know what it sounds like? It sounds like a guy saying that he wants to keep seeing her, but just wants to slow it down. He feels the sex happened too fast and he feels weird about it. He’s not used to having sex so quickly. It is not a guy saying that he wants to cut things off, end things, or stop dating her. I mean, you told her that you weren’t going to just disappear.

 

Understandably, she was confused:

 

“So u don’t wanna see me anymore? I’m confused.”

 

And then you said:

 

“I didn’t say that. I don’t want the pre text that we hang out simply for sex. But I’m still down to chill”

 

This sound like you want to keep seeing her, but want it to be about more than sex. Are you really surprised that she didn’t get the hint?

 

It’s good to be up front, but at least be up front.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you're trying to do the right thing here, but I think communicating with this woman any more is just going to be a headache. From your communication, I get that you are trying to be considerate, though you really aren't being clear with yourself or her about what you want. I get that she's being defensive and bitchy - which isn't surprising, given the context. This isn't going anywhere. I'd quit while you're ahead. Hopefully you both learned something from this awkward experience and will do better next time.

[smackie9]

Oh I do not discount women don't have to be emotionally attached when it comes to sex, but when it comes to having sex there is some kind of emotion or they wouldn't do it, if not they would be prositutes or gold diggers.....sex with a purpose.

 

I totally agree that being rejected doesn't mean being used, and women have to snap out of it and realise that. Sometimes feelings don't progress, and it can't be helped....such as life eh. Some people in that kind of sitution of feeling they are being used all the time, maybe should hold off on the sex instead of jumping into bed after the 3rd date.

[kaylan]

^I still think you need to meet many more women. Or at least the women I've met. Plenty of everyday women have sex without any big emotions involved. Its not just prostitutes who do that. I think you're verging on the point of shaming women who may have different sexuality than you.

 

This woman didn't know me from adam, so her sole motivation for sex was lust...which I guess you could call an emotion.

I think you're trying to do the right thing here, but I think communicating with this woman any more is just going to be a headache. From your communication, I get that you are trying to be considerate, though you really aren't being clear with yourself or her about what you want. I get that she's being defensive and bitchy - which isn't surprising, given the context. This isn't going anywhere. I'd quit while you're ahead. Hopefully you both learned something from this awkward experience and will do better next time.

I guess the first time I tried to end things I pulled a punch because of the initial advice I received in my original thread. Hell, I almost outright lied and said I met someone else because I was being advised to let this chick down gently rather than be blunt. At the end of the day the outcome is the same. Had I been perfectly clear right after things happened ,that I didn't see any future friendship between us, she still would have pulled the whole "youre a jerk and im a whore" stuff.

 

It just seems to me that some women react this way if they don't get their way when sex is involved. I mean considering how we met, and how quickly things escalated I'm confused about her reaction. There was no romantic connection and we basically made things sexually based right away.

 

If the roles were reversed I would feel lame and disappointed about a chick wanting to bail, but it would quickly roll off my back because id realize our situation was what it was. Id tell myself I barely knew the girl and theres no reason to have much expectations, and if keep it moving.

Edited March 26, 2014 by kaylan

[Andy_K]

Honesty isnt predictable in the realm of dating, especially not in the realm of FWBs. I should do whats expected of my gender from now on and just disappear when Im finished with a woman

 

Thing is, what you're doing is more like an emotional and over-analysed mental splurge of text than simple honestly. You're second-guessing her thoughts and mixing in gender stereotypes and all sorts.

 

Keep it simple. What you basically wanted to convey was:

 

"Hey, the other day was fun, but the chemistry doesn't feel right for me to do it again. We can hang out as friends instead if you like, but I don't want more than that"

 

Simple, clear, concise. If she wants more details or explanation than that, she'll ask.

[kaylan]

Thing is, what you're doing is more like an emotional and over-analysed mental splurge of text than simple honestly. You're second-guessing her thoughts and mixing in gender stereotypes and all sorts.

 

Keep it simple. What you basically wanted to convey was:

 

"Hey, the other day was fun, but the chemistry doesn't feel right for me to do it again. We can hang out as friends instead if you like, but I don't want more than that"

 

Simple, clear, concise. If she wants more details or explanation than that, she'll ask.

The reason I gave her an explanation was based on the previous texts she was sending me and the vibe she was giving off. Oh wells *shrugs* Its done with. I usually rather give someone an explanation, instead of just giving them a quick blowoff.

[RedRobin]

I give you credit for providing an explanation and some closure.

 

 

Try and work a bit on your style when doing that. Noone likes being rejected...

 

 

It's also not going to kill you to apologize if you sound harsh... or for the misunderstanding... or even for their hurt feelings... I've done that myself (believe it or not). It helps ease the pain a lot for the other person.

 

 

Even if they don't deserve it. Even if they are mean back. At least I know I'm not adding to the negative relationship/dating karma. I've had guys come back to me later and apologize for being a jerk. Not that it gets them back in my good graces... but it is nice to not create enemies where you don't need to.

 

 

You can do that and still be firm that things aren't going anywhere.

 

 

.... but this kind of interaction is also why I don't do casual... *shrug*

[Phantom888]

This is a no win situation. I have been through this many times, though not from 1st date sex. I got on a date with a woman 3-5 times, and we ended up having sex because we felt good about each other. Then I realize I really don't want to have a relationship with this woman because chemistry was off. I didn't quite feel it, and I didn't want to have more sex with someone I don't want to date anymore. I have used a number of excuses: I don't think I'm ready to go further.... I don't feel the connection that I thought I would.... I don't think we are a good match.... or just disappear. Yes I have tried that before. I feel like an ass every time. I wish I could determine the chemistry BEFORE having sex. This way I don't get blamed for only wanting sex. Horrible to be accused when it's not true.

[topaMAXX]

Don't sweat it, kaylan.

 

You did the right thing. This girl is just butthurt that you broke things off with her. It's all her ego.

 

The ladies here just supporting her because they're all sistahs, ya dig?

[SammySammy]

This is a no win situation. I have been through this many times, though not from 1st date sex. I got on a date with a woman 3-5 times, and we ended up having sex because we felt good about each other. Then I realize I really don't want to have a relationship with this woman because chemistry was off. I didn't quite feel it, and I didn't want to have more sex with someone I don't want to date anymore. I have used a number of excuses: I don't think I'm ready to go further.... I don't feel the connection that I thought I would.... I don't think we are a good match.... or just disappear. Yes I have tried that before. I feel like an ass every time. I wish I could determine the chemistry BEFORE having sex. This way I don't get blamed for only wanting sex. Horrible to be accused when it's not true.

 

I think that's the difference between me and some other guys.

 

If I'm not clicking with a woman before we have sex, then I don't have sex with her. That's why having sex with a woman only one time is a foreign concept to me. Even with the women I've had sex with on the first date, we hooked up more than one time.

 

I can understand how some guys may not know that until they have sex with a woman. Sexual compatibility is probably a big part of the decision. We just have different levels of awareness and different methods of judging compatibility.

[RedRobin]

This is a no win situation. I have been through this many times, though not from 1st date sex. I got on a date with a woman 3-5 times, and we ended up having sex because we felt good about each other. Then I realize I really don't want to have a relationship with this woman because chemistry was off. I didn't quite feel it, and I didn't want to have more sex with someone I don't want to date anymore. I have used a number of excuses: I don't think I'm ready to go further.... I don't feel the connection that I thought I would.... I don't think we are a good match.... or just disappear. Yes I have tried that before. I feel like an ass every time. I wish I could determine the chemistry BEFORE having sex. This way I don't get blamed for only wanting sex. Horrible to be accused when it's not true.

 

 

Sex on date 3-5 is still early sex... and you CAN figure out chemistry before having full on sex. It's all about communication. If you can't communicate outside the bedroom, you won't be able communicate inside it either... All the other stuff can usually be worked out if everything else falls into place. Me personally... I don't like drama or hurt feelings. Another reason why I prefer to wait.