kaylan Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 *sigh* So last night I met up with this woman from tinder that I had been talking to. We met on the app, chatted, texted, flirted, exchanged pics, and basically the vibe was that we would possibly hook up when we hung out. So we hung out and I spent the night last night. We had sex but I just didnt feel much chemistry wise. Things felt off. Outside of that I did have fun chilling. We played with her pets and watch a lot of tv and talked. But like I said, the chemistry was just off for me for a few reasons. I originally thought maybe we would end up FWB for some time, but Im just not feeling the idea of doing it again. It wasnt terrible, I just am not feeling the connection and urge I have in the past with girls I hooked up with. The thing is, I have no idea how to put it across that I dont wanna keep things physical. In the past its usually been the women to call things off before I do, so I dunno how to do it. And I dont wanna look like a jerk who just wanted a one hitter quitter. I know itll look lie that, but that wasnt my intention at all. Oh boy.
milwinlol Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Just be completely honest with her.....she'll appreciate that. It's better telling the truth than carrying it on and f**cking with her head, she may have developed really strong feelings for you within this time and it isn't really fair to carry it on....
Ruby Slippers Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 If you don't get in touch with her again, she'll get the message. If she contacts you, tell her the truth - you enjoyed your time together but don't feel a romantic connection. It's harsh, but it's much better than ignoring her or making up some BS, transparent excuse. 2
Author kaylan Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) If you don't get in touch with her again, she'll get the message. If she contacts you, tell her the truth - you enjoyed your time together but don't feel a romantic connection. It's harsh, but it's much better than ignoring her or making up some BS, transparent excuse. Does saying I felt no romantic connection really fly with a situation that would have only been FWB at most? I dont want to leave her thinking Im full of crap and that I thought she was bad in bed or unattractive. Who wants to feel that way? I feel like she would draw conclusions from that reply. What if after a few days I said I had a good date with someone else and wanna focus on that and put my hooking up on hold? This isnt a new lesson for me. Unless the chemistry is really strong, I should not go through with sex. I have had this happen in the past with a couple of hookups I didnt have strong chemistry with. I just felt off and weird after things happen. I just feel like I need to like the girl a good bit in order for that not to happen. It doesnt mean Id want a relationship, but it certainly gets rids of this odd feeling after sex. Edited February 28, 2014 by kaylan
Mo_Do Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Tinder tends to breed things like this. I went out with a girl from that twice. First time she looked HOT and I really enjoyed myself, second time she didn't look that great at all, didn't speak much and I really lost all interest (or what little I had to begin with). She invited me back to her place, after 10 or so minutes I said I was too tired and better get going. Later that night she sent me a note asking if I'd made it home alright, we sent a few messages back and forth and that was it, haven't heard from her, or initiated a convo since. Girls like that I truly wish they do meet the right guy - because it's certainly not me. Now I have another T-date tomorrow night, and chances are.....it'll probably go the exact same way. That's datin'
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Does saying I felt no romantic connection really fly with a situation that would have only been FWB at most? I dont want to leave her thinking Im full of crap and that I thought she was bad in bed or unattractive. Who wants to feel that way? I feel like she would draw conclusions from that reply. What if after a few days I said I had a good date with someone else and wanna focus on that and put my hooking up on hold? If you want to tell a white lie, it's your business. Personally, I believe in being honest. You can be honest and still tactful. I'm not sure exactly what words you should use, but you can find a way to say it that is honest and not mean. She will probably be hurt no matter how you put it, but you can minimize the damage by being tactful. That's the fallout of a situation like this.
Author kaylan Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Tinder tends to breed things like this. I went out with a girl from that twice. First time she looked HOT and I really enjoyed myself, second time she didn't look that great at all, didn't speak much and I really lost all interest (or what little I had to begin with). She invited me back to her place, after 10 or so minutes I said I was too tired and better get going. Later that night she sent me a note asking if I'd made it home alright, we sent a few messages back and forth and that was it, haven't heard from her, or initiated a convo since. Girls like that I truly wish they do meet the right guy - because it's certainly not me. Now I have another T-date tomorrow night, and chances are.....it'll probably go the exact same way. That's datin' True. Thanks for sharing. I just hope I can avoid awkwardness or making this chick feel crappy. Hopefully she doesnt have her hopes up for anything really.
Leigh 87 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I need strong chemistry in order for sex to happen. I tried it a couple of times and it never got better. It felt off to have sex with them:sick: even though they were not unattractive. I also felt bad about telling them, as no one wants to hear that they were not attractive enough. I explained that it wasn't about looks, but that I simply didn't feel the chemistry with them. When one guy asked about "chemistry" and its correlation with their attractiveness (or lack there of), I explained that I have had previously had hot chemistry with guys that were less attractive than them; the chemistry is either there or not for me, and I don't always have chemistry with people who are attractive to me. Neither guy felt they weren't attractive enough, since I made it clear it was a "chemistry" thing, and chemistry I have felt in the past had been with men who were no better looking than them...... 2
SJC2008 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Kaylan I like you but sometimes you confuse me. Why do you care about chemistry for a FWB? That's the way it's supposed to be so people don't get emotionally involved. If you're looking for chemistry seek out an R. 1
Mo_Do Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 True. Thanks for sharing. I just hope I can avoid awkwardness or making this chick feel crappy. Hopefully she doesnt have her hopes up for anything really. Yeah, I am the same way. From my experience if you just slow down on the messages they get the point, it also shows on tinder when you were last active. So if you haven't been responding, and have been active on there, they'll get the point - and yes, she checks that. I'd just tell her you enjoy her company, think she's an awesome person but you don't feel chemistry and then blame genetics or something..lol Good luck
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I wouldn't tell her the chemistry is off, she'll probably wonder why she was so terrible in bed, when you know it's not that at all. I would probably tell a white lie really and say that you had a great time but it's made you realise that you're not in the right place to date right now and you're sorry if it looks like you used her. To be fair, girls who hook up straight away won't be surprised if it doesn't go any further. No judgement, I've done it myself, but if you sleep with people you hardly know it's really not unexpected that this may happen. I very much doubt she will be that upset, she probably knew what she was possibly letting herself I for. There's no need to get in a twist about it, and you haven't done anything wrong in not wanting to pursue things.
writergal Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Kaylan, Stop having one night stands. Then your problem's solved. It's clear you don't respect these women you hit-it-and-quit-it with. So why bother asking for advice here? You made the choice to ONS this woman you met on Tinder. Maybe it's time to grow up and stop acting this way with women. Are you afraid of true intimacy with a woman? Is that why it's so easy for you to hook up for sex so often? I don't think anything you tell this woman will actually rectify this situation that you created for yourself. You can lie to her or tell her the truth. Either way you still lose because you didn't respect this woman enough to get to know her before you slept with her. Lack of chemistry is just a lame excuse for your boredom with her. 1
Author kaylan Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Kaylan I like you but sometimes you confuse me. Why do you care about chemistry for a FWB? That's the way it's supposed to be so people don't get emotionally involved. If you're looking for chemistry seek out an R. Chemistry is still important for physical stuff. I dont need to feel off and weird after I screw her. I dont need to force myself to go through with it. There should be a natural physical click. There wasnt one. Chemistry =/= relationship. 2
Author kaylan Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Kaylan, Stop having one night stands. Then your problem's solved. It's clear you don't respect these women you hit-it-and-quit-it with. So why bother asking for advice here? You made the choice to ONS this woman you met on Tinder. Maybe it's time to grow up and stop acting this way with women. Are you afraid of true intimacy with a woman? Is that why it's so easy for you to hook up for sex so often? I don't think anything you tell this woman will actually rectify this situation that you created for yourself. You can lie to her or tell her the truth. Either way you still lose because you didn't respect this woman enough to get to know her before you slept with her. Lack of chemistry is just a lame excuse for your boredom with her. ??? Ive only ever had a single ONS in my life prior to whatever this current situation would be classified as. All the other women have been relationships or FWB. Jeez, it has NOTHING to do with my respect for the woman. If it was, I would say so. And if youve read my posts, youd see I dont have low respect for women I sleep with...whether it be a relationship, FWB, or ONS. Actually, the single gal Ive had a ONS with, I still very much respect and shes a really cool and smart chick. And no, this Tinder gal was not meant to be a ONS. My intentions (and Im sure hers) was for this to be an ongoing thing. But the chemistry just aint there for me to make it ongoing. And hook up so often? Lmao, youd be stunned if I told you how often I hook up and with how many women its been. Some of you really must confuse me for different posters, or you simply dont follow my posts enough. I do not casually hook up often. Maybe makeouts, but the sexual stuff isnt as often or numerous as some here would like to think. And whats this talk about respecting her enough to get to know her? Its fvking Tinder. There are women and men both ready to quickly get frisky on the app. It has everything to do with attraction...its not about respect. Jeez.
writergal Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Stop going on Tinder if you want to have a real relationship with a real woman. And FYI, calling a woman "chick" is pretty offensive and sexist. If you did respect women, you'd stop going to sites like Tinder with the goal of hooking up to have a ONS or do FWB. But hey if that's all you want out of life... I find your post really shallow, to complain about a woman you hoped you'd have a FWB but then decided no, you didn't feel chemistry with her enough to go through with it. Complete nonsense, that is. No, you don't respect women if your MO is to use a phone app for hookups with women. I mean come on.
Author kaylan Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Stop going on Tinder if you want to have a real relationship with a real woman. where did I say I wanted a real relationship? And FYI, calling a woman "chick" is pretty offensive and sexist. If you did respect women, you'd stop going to sites like Tinder with the goal of hooking up to have a ONS or do FWB. But hey if that's all you want out of life... Since when does men and women wanting a mutually casual experience mean that I don't respect them? Don't be a judgmental prude. I find your post really shallow, to complain about a woman you hoped you'd have a FWB but then decided no, you didn't feel chemistry with her enough to go through with it. Complete nonsense, that is. No, you don't respect women if your MO is to use a phone app for hookups with women. I mean come on. Just because people date differently than you doesn't mean they lack respect for the other gender. Would it be better to continue things and lead the girl on? We both wanted the hook up. It happened and I felt there want enough passion there for me. 1
writergal Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Kaylan, hooking up with a woman for sex is NOT dating. No matter how you try to justify it, they are not the same. Friends with benefits, one night stands are not dating.
NomiMalone Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 OP I think it's kind of you to consider the girl's feelings enough to come on here and ask for advice, in a situation where plenty of others would have just done the cowardly thing and simply just disappear from her life. I agree that the sooner you let her know, the better. The reason you give no longer really matters. Good luck!
Ruby Slippers Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I don't see how kaylan is being a bad guy here. The woman planned a hookup with him before ever meeting him, they had sex, and he wasn't that into it. That's a risk you take when you have sex with a stranger. He was thoughtful enough to consider how to break it to her in the right way, rather than just disappearing. I agree that if he doesn't like the feeling of having to drop a one-night hookup like this, he should get to know the woman better first. But most of us have acted before thinking before, and learned from our mistakes. 1
StanMusial Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Stop hanging out with her. She'll get the idea. Not rocket science. You don't owe her anything. I agree, I don't really understand the question. You banged her, now you're done with her. If that's what people do then that's what they do, no need to "church it up".
writergal Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 ^^ This. If you both met through a hookup app like Tinder and you hooked up, the deal's done. I highly doubt someone as loose as you and she give the other an afterthought.
Author kaylan Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) I don't see how kaylan is being a bad guy here. The woman planned a hookup with him before ever meeting him, they had sex, and he wasn't that into it. That's a risk you take when you have sex with a stranger. He was thoughtful enough to consider how to break it to her in the right way, rather than just disappearing. I agree that if he doesn't like the feeling of having to drop a one-night hookup like this, he should get to know the woman better first. But most of us have acted before thinking before, and learned from our mistakes. Yeah, Im definitely doing more vetting from now on.2 page discussion on how to move on... im pretty sure the girl is not going to cry over you not calling her again, probably already sleeping with another guy Id certainly hope so, though I havent really gotten that vibe.Kaylan, hooking up with a woman for sex is NOT dating. No matter how you try to justify it, they are not the same. Friends with benefits, one night stands are not dating. Um yes, its a different kind of dating. Ive had FWBs were we did activities together and went out and had fun. Sounds like dating to me. You mad?^^ This. If you both met through a hookup app like Tinder and you hooked up, the deal's done. I highly doubt someone as loose as you and she give the other an afterthought. Lol, the judgmental prude strikes again. From the way you speak, Im guessing youve gotten played badly in the past by non-committal dudes huh? Edited March 2, 2014 by kaylan
StanMusial Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Kaylan, if I remember correctly you were writing in another thread about expectations on a future wife working vs. child rearing, marriage, etc. So I assume marriage and a family is something you're interested in. How do you get there, from where you are now?
Author kaylan Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Kaylan, if I remember correctly you were writing in another thread about expectations on a future wife working vs. child rearing, marriage, etc. So I assume marriage and a family is something you're interested in. How do you get there, from where you are now? Im interested in it if I find the right woman, but by no means is it a necessity that Im striving for at the moment. Im still unsure if I want to marry. Depends upon a lot of things in my life.
Ride2Live Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Kaylan, there is an old saying "if you want something sugarcoated eat a doughnut". There is no real easy way to friend zone somebody especially since sex was involved. She is going to be hurt either way. It is the inevitable. She will probably question that there was enough chemistry for you to get your rocks off but not enough chemistry to get to know her.
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