Dating an Addict, Now Just Friends

[gwydion_black]

I don't know if my story is unique or not. I don't date much because I find it ridiculously hard to find anyone I can mesh with on a personal level. Last May, a girl came into my life and we started dating.

 

I knew immediately that she was different. We hit is off really nicely, both seemed to be mutually attracted to each other. We never got intimate as we both wanted to take things slow. She had some quirks and flaws about her that I was able to live with but eventually things started getting weird. She got flaky with dates and started some odd behaviors. Long story short as I was falling for this girl I found out that she was addicted to heroin.

 

I knew then and there I had to make a decision as to whether or not I wanted her in my life, and I decided that I did. Myself and my family supported her as she went to rehab and for the next 6 months I supported her in any way that I could. Our bond seemed to grow over this and after one relapse she finally seemed to be getting better for herself and things have been looking up ever since.

 

It has been a long distance relationship. In her recovery, most times only immediate family was allowed to visit. We talked every day on the phone and then one day in January, out of the blue. I got a call from her councilor basically accusing me of helping her in order to get favors and get into her pants in the future. I never had any intention of anything like that but from that point on her councilor convinced her that we should just be "friends" from then on.

 

That was two months ago. Last week she got out of that place and stayed with me for the weekend. I took her to meetings, bought her everything she needed going forward, and I tried to find and dig to see if there were any feelings still there but I was met with a cold shoulder.

 

I fell in love with this girl over the past 8 months and now I just don't know where I stand or what I should do.

 

Anyway, I moved her into her new apartment yesterday for recovering addicts. Its quite a distance away but we promised to call each other and I will see her again in two weeks. For now I'm just scared for her since it is the first time she has been "on her own" in 6 months. I'm scared for myself because I have a history of depression, and this whole situation has been sending up red flags in my mind.

 

Should I tell her how I feel? Should I just let it go? Should I wait and see what happens? Does anyone think there is a change for this relationship to blossom to what it was on track to be?

 

I just need some kind of advice on where to go moving forward.

 

Thanks in advance for any replies.

[Gaeta]

Oh dear ! Heroin addiction is something serious. This young woman has a long long road ahead of her. Six months in rehab we're talking about a major addiction here. People treated in rehab center have a 65% chance of not relapsing, which means 1 person out of 3 will relapse. She is far from being out of the woods. On top of that she will need to work on what brought her to that addiction while getting her life on track.

 

You know you've never really known this girl. You started dating her she was already a user and then was sent to rehab. You do not have a base to build on. With your history of depression it's like the blind trying to lead the blind here. You have to think of your mental health first.

 

If I were you I would cut the bridges with her. She has family to take care of her. She has too much on her plate to even consider being in a relationship.

[gwydion_black]

I was afraid of a response like that, but it isn't so simple for me. I have a selfless personality. If she actually had someone to support her I would be accepting of your advice, but over the last few months I've realized she didn't. She has burned bridges with many in her life and her family, while they are there to talk to, are not supportive whatsoever. I am literally the only friend she has right now outside of drug support groups.

 

I do know this girl though. I knew her as a user and I have known her ever since she has been sober. We talk every week, text every day. Today she asked if I could come down a week earlier than we had planned, so this weekend I will get to see her again.

 

Regardless of my own mental state, I'm not one to leave someone in need hanging. Whether a future relationship is an option or not, doesn't matter to me in terms of my support for her. Maybe it is selfish for me to even be having such thoughts and I should just let things be.

 

However, any advice is helpful. Thank you for the reply.

[ThatMan]

Relationships with addicts aren't about love. It's codependency. You're codependent. Please seek out an al-anon or coda meeting in your area immediately.

[Hello_is_it_me]

A bit odd about the counselor coming down on you like that. I wonder what she told him about you. But yeah, this is one of those blatant, if you play with fire you might get burned scenarios. Do you have a lot invested in this relationship? I would try to not be too emotionally attached. Also, before you become intimate with a former IV user I would suggest they be tested for HIV and Hep C.

[gwydion_black]

I find that to be a very baseless comment. You think that addicts aren't capable of love? I've seen and heard many stories that speak otherwise.

 

As for the codependency thing, yeah, I can see where you get that. But, my actions towards helping her and supporting her are no different than my actions with the rest of the people in my life. I would do anything for just about any of them but I don't do something that will sacrifice my well being or my morality. I am not an enabler. I know what I am doing.

 

I have been to NA and AA meetings with her and I attend an Al-Anon meeting. I know the limitations of what helps and hurts and addict and I base my actions on them. Anyone who helps others, by the definition given, can be considered "codependent".

 

I enjoy helping people. It makes me happy to see others happy. If that is codependency, well, they certainly have a psychological ailment for everything these days.

[gwydion_black]

Hello_is_it_me,

 

I invest my all in every relationship. I don't really "date" and when I do, I am careful to pick and choose who it is with to make sure they are worth my time. I don't define her by her addiction but by everything else I know and love about her. I know that I might get burned in this, but it is a risk I am willing to take rather than to just walk away.

 

Either way, it feels like I will be getting burned regardless, whether I choose to walk away or she does in the future.

 

She was already tested for all of that stuff as well, so that is a load off.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Hello_is_it_me,

 

I invest my all in every relationship. I don't really "date" and when I do, I am careful to pick and choose who it is with to make sure they are worth my time. I don't define her by her addiction but by everything else I know and love about her. I know that I might get burned in this, but it is a risk I am willing to take rather than to just walk away.

 

Either way, it feels like I will be getting burned regardless, whether I choose to walk away or she does in the future.

 

She was already tested for all of that stuff as well, so that is a load off.

 

Ah, very good. Do you know if she has been diagnosed with any personality or mood disorders? Any borderline personality or bipolarness? I'm asking as addiction + mental issues = almost guaranteed trouble with very little rehabilitative success.

[veggirl]

She doesn't need to be distracted by a relationship or "friendship" with you. She is a friggin HEROIN ADDICT. She needs to concentrate solely on her recovery and staying sober for at LEAST a year. Let her get and stay sober then see if she is interested! You're adding unnecessary drama to her life right now.

[Emilia]

But, my actions towards helping her and supporting her are no different than my actions with the rest of the people in my life. I would do anything for just about any of them but I don't do something that will sacrifice my well being or my morality. I am not an enabler. I know what I am doing.

 

I have been to NA and AA meetings with her and I attend an Al-Anon meeting. I know the limitations of what helps and hurts and addict and I base my actions on them. Anyone who helps others, by the definition given, can be considered "codependent".

 

I enjoy helping people. It makes me happy to see others happy. If that is codependency, well, they certainly have a psychological ailment for everything these days.

You don't know what you are doing.

 

Codependency is not love. It's about control. It's about making the other person do what you think they should be doing. It's about martyrdom so that you don't have to face your own issues.

 

Healthy relationships with recovering addicts that are ready for something serious are not codependent.

 

Codependents usually come from broken families or have parents that are/used to be addicts themselves. It usually means that they are only capable of forming close relationships where they have to work through issues that affected them as children.

[Hello_is_it_me]

She doesn't need to be distracted by a relationship or "friendship" with you. She is a friggin HEROIN ADDICT. She needs to concentrate solely on her recovery and staying sober for at LEAST a year. Let her get and stay sober then see if she is interested! You're adding unnecessary drama to her life right now.

 

I think having a positive, clean-living person could be a great asset to a recovering addict. OP could fit that role, rather than the addict relying on the other recovering addicts in the facility for support (a part of recovery I've always thought was counter-productive). Now, as for this relationship being a wise decision for OP to make, that's another story lol. OP - Perhaps be a supportive friend during this recovery period but shy away from starting a serious relationship with her?

[veggirl]

I think having a positive, clean-living person could be a great asset to a recovering addict. OP could fit that role, rather than the addict relying on the other recovering addicts in the facility for support (a part of recovery I've always thought was counter-productive). Now, as for this relationship being a wise decision for OP to make, that's another story lol. OP - Perhaps be a supportive friend during this recovery period but shy away from starting a serious relationship with her?

 

He can't change the fact that they started as a relationship. If he wanted to be a supportive, platonic friend, he should have began things that way. He wants her romantically. That doesn't change just cause he starts using the word "friend" instead.

[Hello_is_it_me]

He can't change the fact that they started as a relationship. If he wanted to be a supportive, platonic friend, he should have began things that way. He wants her romantically. That doesn't change just cause he starts using the word "friend" instead.

 

True. At least they haven't been intimate yet. I'm not saying it's a friendship or relationship but maybe somewhere in between.

[veggirl]

True. At least they haven't been intimate yet. I'm not saying it's a friendship or relationship but maybe somewhere in between.

 

Which is confusing and unnecessary drama for someone very, very newly recovering from HEROIN!

 

IMO the best thing he can do is leave her be, period, right now.

[Emilia]

IMO the best thing he can do is leave her be, period, right now.

Yes. People should be allowed to make their own decisions regardless how we view them.

[ThatMan]

I find that to be a very baseless comment. You think that addicts aren't capable of love? I've seen and heard many stories that speak otherwise.

 

As for the codependency thing, yeah, I can see where you get that. But, my actions towards helping her and supporting her are no different than my actions with the rest of the people in my life. I would do anything for just about any of them but I don't do something that will sacrifice my well being or my morality. I am not an enabler. I know what I am doing.

 

I have been to NA and AA meetings with her and I attend an Al-Anon meeting. I know the limitations of what helps and hurts and addict and I base my actions on them. Anyone who helps others, by the definition given, can be considered "codependent".

 

I enjoy helping people. It makes me happy to see others happy. If that is codependency, well, they certainly have a psychological ailment for everything these days.

I'm sorry that you think this way. The best outcome you can hope for with this sort of thinking is the act of screwing yourself up. At worst you'll completely hinder the recovery of a heroin addict, and that's a real shame.

 

Addiction is a medical concern which requires professional intervention. You cannot help her. She has to help herself. The most you may do for her is be in her corner, be involved as part of her social support, and allow her to create decisions for herself. Support groups are all about learning the ways to look after yourself so that you may continue being an available person.

 

An addict can be a very loving individual. Even wonderful people can be trapped in the downwards spiral of addiction. Just because an addict is nice underneath the drugs, any relationship with them will revolve entirely around the next fix, the next high. These are all things you should have learned through al-anon. Did you really attend a meeting? Why did you only attend one meeting? You seem to be looking for validation into your own screwed up behaviors rather than seeking out healthy and positive change. Did you stop going to al-anon because you didn't want to make change? You won't find anyone here who is willing to help you continue this destructive path you've set on.

 

You're also completely mistaken about the meaning of co-dependency. Co-dependency is not about helping people. Co-dependency is the reliance on somebody else and the need to control them. I can only implore you to attend a coda meeting. I cannot drag you kicking and screaming to reach deep within yourself to make serious changes.

[2MuchGirth]

LOL oh man. Trust me when I say do not get into relationships with female addicts. I am a heroin addict myself and am currently in treatment, and every girl here that is in a relationship has screwed at least one guy here some time or another while in treatment. Wouldn't be surprised if she has done that multiple times within 6 months. I had sex with a girl that had a bf and she has been slutting it up ever since with at least 2 other guys in treatment.

 

Yea, you know what to do.

[gwydion_black]

Hello_is_it_me,

 

She has been diagnosed with mild depression but that is it. She told me about that before I even knew about the drugs.

 

 

 

Veggirl,

 

We started out as a relationship because I didn't know show was an addict at the time. In fact, in the beginning she didn't use much of anything she admitted, but as time went on the signs were all there and it was obvious. She said she wanted to get clean and I was the one who helped her get into rehab and I decided at that point that I could either ditch her or support her, so I decided to support her along the way.

 

You think it is unnecessary stress and drama? Good. Kind of the advice I was looking to hear. I am capable of being friends with someone I have feelings for without dumping it onto them. It may create stress for me, but I am more than capable of dealing with it to not add any unnecessary stress to her recovery.

 

 

 

ThatMan,

 

I don't think you understand. She makes all of her own decisions. It was her decision to get clean. It was her decision to go back after she relapsed. I offered her a place to stay after her rehab time, but she instead chose to go to a recovery environment to continue the process.

 

I don't get my rocks off of controlling her nor have I done anything to suggest she do something against her own will. When I say I help her, I give her motivation, I buy her some clothes here and there, I listen to her. I have been to 4 NA/AA meetings with her in the past month and I have been to one Al-Anon meeting, not because I chose not to go back but because I only knew about it from her and there is only one per week in my area. I was there on Monday. So come next Monday, I will go to my second Al-Anon meeting.

 

Addiction is a medical concern which requires professional intervention. You cannot help her. She has to help herself. The most you may do for her is be in her corner, be involved as part of her social support, and allow her to create decisions for herself. Support groups are all about learning the ways to look after yourself so that you may continue being an available person.

That's me. I'm not trying to help her in her addiction recovery, I help her in everyday things that she is unable to control at this time. The first step is accepting that you have no control over the problem. I understand this very well.

 

 

 

2MuchGirth,

 

Well considering she has been in female only treatment facilities where guys weren't even allowed to visit, I don't think that happened. She has been very open with me about attempted lesbian encounters, however, and she has made it clear that she wanted none of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like I said, I'm grateful for the advice but no advice or knowledge is going to make me just up and leave this girl stranded by herself. I can handle coping with my feelings and just being there for her as a friend if that is the best course of action, and based on thoughts and opinions, that seems to be the case.

Edited March 26, 2014 by gwydion_black
Clarification

[ja123]

OP,

 

 

You do have to admit that it's a bit weird that you are so involved in this girl's life when there are so many non-addict girls available.

 

 

How do you explain that?

[preraph]

A very tiny percentage of heroin addicts rehab successfully, so do not make any plans for the future with her. You need to just move forward with your life. It's fine to be nice to her, but just know it's unlikely she'll go into the future without major addiction problems one form or another.

 

Right now, the last thing she needs is to have to process having a relationship. The ONLY thing this girl needs now is to concentrate on not using. She does not have the capacity for anything else. You can't really help an addict except to give them time to work on themselves, and it never stops. She will struggle her entire life.

[soccerrprp]

gwydion_black,

 

The more of your posts I read the more it seems to me that you are TRULY open to advice. You seem to have an answer for everyone that disagrees with you. Your depression + her "mild" depression/heroin addiction = VERY HIGH CHANCE of relationship failure. I really hope you don't become a convenient distraction for her. I really don't think you know what you're getting yourself into. You sound like a nice guy, playing the heroic role and being supportive, but I wonder how long you'll stick around when and if she begins to bring you down, exacerbating your depression?! I wonder how useful you will be WHEN you become depressed and struggling to figure out how to help her AND yourself?

 

I know and have known people like you. You mean well, but more often than not, do not fully understand what ramifications of your decisions. If you insist on staying in her life b/c you feel that she has no one else to help her (how is she paying for rehab?), then just be her FRIEND and have no other motive.

[Zahara]

Co-dependents are rescuers, fixers. Feeling empathy for the rest of the world and having no ability to feel empathy for themselves. Their focus is always on the external, disengaging themselves from looking and fixing themselves from within. How can you rescue her when you yourself are deficient? Placing your own emotional and mental wellbeing at risk, at the expense of fixing hers is a clear indication of co-dependency, and don't confuse that with being selfless.

 

And yes, you came here for advice but rebutted every piece of advice with your own justification.

[soccerrprp]

gwydion_black,

 

The more of your posts I read the more it seems to me that you are TRULY NOT open to advice. You seem to have an answer for everyone that disagrees with you. Your depression + her "mild" depression/heroin addiction = VERY HIGH CHANCE of relationship failure. I really hope you don't become a convenient distraction for her. I really don't think you know what you're getting yourself into. You sound like a nice guy, playing the heroic role and being supportive, but I wonder how long you'll stick around when and if she begins to bring you down, exacerbating your depression?! I wonder how useful you will be WHEN you become depressed and struggling to figure out how to help her AND yourself?

 

I know and have known people like you. You mean well, but more often than not, do not fully understand what ramifications of your decisions. If you insist on staying in her life b/c you feel that she has no one else to help her (how is she paying for rehab?), then just be her FRIEND and have no other motive.

 

SORRY had to make a correction to my earlier post in bold/underlined above.

[soccerrprp]

Co-dependents are rescuers, fixers. Feeling empathy for the rest of the world and having no ability to feel empathy for themselves. Their focus is always on the external, disengaging themselves from looking and fixing themselves from within. How can you rescue her when you yourself are deficient? Placing your own emotional and mental wellbeing at risk, at the expense of fixing hers is a clear indication of co-dependency, and don't confuse that with being selfless.

 

And yes, you came here for advice but rebutted every piece of advice with your own justification.

 

Wonderfully said, Zahara!

[Zahara]

Wonderfully said, Zahara!

 

I was paying attention in therapy!