Economist70 Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I've posted in this forum quite a lot lately and it's helped me cope with my break up so thank you all. I won't go into specifics, but my girlfriend and I recently broke up (She dumped me). I've had a difficult time getting over her, but I feel like I'm almost ready to move on. But recently I've been feeling emotions and thinking thoughts that are quite different to the heartache experienced post breakup. These range from me fearing her getting into another relationship to me thinking about getting into a new relationship and making her regret leaving me. I know this sounds selfish and quite bastardly, but has anyone had anything similar happen to them?
d0nnivain Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Emotions are what you are feeling. They are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Many people harbor the revenge fantasies even on the scale of look at my new life & how much better it is without you. All sorts of people also have heart ache at the idea of their EX being happy. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 I dare say that everyone has felt/thought what you are currently. Such thoughts and emotions are entirely normal. Don't let them hold you back from moving on.
StGeorge22 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Completely normal! Glad to hear you g Feel like you are ready to move on
Author Economist70 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 My ex girlfriend and I broke up (She dumped me) because she was leaving the state to study at University. She asked whether I wanted to be friends, something I reluctantly accepted (To say no would have been to kill off all contact and at this point I still believed there was a chance to get back with her). When we started going out, I introduced her to my friends and they enjoyed her company. She started texting and Snapchatting them, something I didn't have a problem with because I have similar interactions with some of my friend's partners. Two weeks before we broke up, I could feel that things between us were different (Something had changed). She was texting my friends more than me, whenever we were together she would talk about my friends and when she was at my house she would want to hang out with my friends. I didn't read into this too much then, I was just friendly and went with it. After we broke up (And remember she wanted to go back to friends), contact on her part was minimal but she continued to text my friends. I felt out of the loop and like she wasn't interested. We hung out a few times before she left for University and things felt fine between us, I semi-believed we could actually be friends. But once she left, nothing. I had a go at her twice (Out of frustration/insecurity) that she was texting my friends and not me. The first time I sent her a message asking how we was and after she didn't reply, I apologised for sending the message and she responded saying that she was busy. I called her bluff and said (Maybe wrongly so) that she didn't seem to busy to text my friends. The second time I decided to go NC, blocking her on Snapchat as well as other social media platforms. She texted me asking whether I'd deleted Snapchat and I told her what I'd done because I was having a difficult time getting over her. She asked why I didn't just ask her to stop Snapchatting me and I told her it felt like I meant nothing to her and that she wasn't serious in her offer to be friends. After this, things went tense. I decided to send somewhat of a farewell message to her, telling her how while who she texts is none of my business that when he does text my friends it makes me feel like she doesn't want to be friends and that it felt like our relationship had meant nothing to her (I accept now that I was more emotionally invested in it than her). After this, two weeks NC. One thing I'll mention now is that when we broke up, she always used me as the reason (E.g. That I could do better. That I didn't want to go long distance [Even though I offered to and genuinely wanted to]). Now over the weekend, I noticed her change her Facebook profile picture to one of her and my friend. Turns out they'd organised to meet and hang out. He then in turn changed his profile picture too. I trusted this friend as much as I didn't trust my ex that if anything was going to happen, he'd send me a message along the lines of, "We've decided to see each other etc. (Not that they need my permission, but a bit of a heads up you know?)." But no, they did it in secret and to be perfectly honest if he had have sent me a message like that I wouldn't have minded (It would have pained me, but at least everything would be out in the open and I would have appreciated the honesty). I let time pass and eventually sent the friend asking in no uncertain terms if they were seeing each other. He responded in the affirmative. I told him I didn't want to come across as unreasonable or selfish but that surely he must know how this looks/feels from my perspective. He then responded that they were uncertain about when to "reveal" and that what had happened wasn't spontaneous. I don't want to sound paranoid, but even when I was dating this girl I could see him look at her. I've been really sour towards her since the break up (I believe I'm in the right but you know with these things, different perspectives etc.) and I even unfriended her on Facebook today as well as blocking her. But I don't know how to react to my friend. He is one of my best mates and I genuinely want him to be happy (I admit they are a great couple) but this baggage makes me reluctant to extent an olive branch. I can't see any situation where we can go back to our friendship before because there'd just be this massive elephant in the room. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? I hate it and now wish I'd never dated this girl, but I know this isn't going away. I'm prepared to walk away from the friendship I have with this guy, but only if we can never overcome this obstacle.
preraph Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 As someone who's been through it, I can tell you that they are not your friends. I have managed to maintain contact with the guy who slept with my bf during one of our little tiffs, but only because our relationship was still new (few months) so she carried the burden of the responsibility, having been friends with her for 17 years, since young. She knew better. He was being a butt. He was eyeing her and she him while you were with her, no doubt. They're not loyal to you at all and don't care about your feelings and you need to get them both out of your life. And please realize you dodged a bullet. If you'd gone on to marry this girl, you'd have been married to a disloyal untrustworthy mate and would be paying tons of child support by now because it wouldn't have lasted. So thank them both and walk away, take some time to process it, but not much. Keep moving. Keep going out with any loyal friends you have left and don't just sit around dwelling on it. It is the worst thing you can do. They deserve each other! 3
VeronicaRoss Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 I agree with the above post, they are showing little respect for your feelings. They aren't really your friends. I went through something very similar a long time ago. The part that's relevant to you: when my ex and one of my best friends started dating days after we broke up (I left school) I also tried to excuse their behavior. After all, I'm the one who had to leave and I cared about their happiness too. But they never acknowledged it must be painful for me or tried to hide anything. Flash forward, those two have been having an emotional affair for decades, and my ex has been married for 25 years. Those two LOVE romantic triangles, they've had several over their lifetimes. When I tried to talk to my female friend about the decades long emotional affair he confided in to me, she started to get very cagey and then vicious. I finally got what people tried to tell me a long time before, these are not people who really care about me. They are not my friends. I'm not sure they're really anyone's friends. Stay away from both of them, they aren't showing enough consideration for your feelings. They're showing you now who they are. So very painful because I'm sure your friend has been there for you many times. But now you're learning how he is when it's truly time to do what is hard and uncomfortable to do. But they'd do this to anyone. Don't take it personally. And when ex's say "Let's be friends" they usually are just trying to soften the blow and ease out. It's best to stay far away to heal anyway for at least a year or so when you truly don't care. And if you still care after that time (most exes do), just stay away. Don't fool yourself about your vulnerability to them. That is the kindest act of all for all concerned, especially your future SO. 2
Author Economist70 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I won't go into the particulars but my ex and I broke up (She dumped me) because she was leaving the state to study at University. When she did break it off, she said she'd like to continue to be friends. Before she left, we hung out a couple of times and I actually believed that we could be friends. But after she left, contact on her part was minimal or non existent. Whenever I texted her, she'd say she was too busy with Uni to talk. Over the weekend she changed her profile picture on Facebook to one of her and one of my closest friends. They'd met through me and even though at this point I knew they were probably dating, I trusted my friend to tell me. But he didn't. I texted him asking what was going on and he said they were going out and they weren't certain how to tell people because of me. I feel utterly lost and empty. The break up was bad but this was worse. I've deleted both of them from Facebook and removed pretty much every trace of them from my phone. For them to do this means they had no consideration whatsoever for my feelings. At the end of the day, who they see is their business. I do want them to be happy, but I genuinely can't be friends with this guy now because there'd always be this elephant in the room. My question, has anyone ever been in a similar predicament? I'm torn between wanting to move on and accept what's happened and feeling nothing but hate towards these two people. The saddest thing of all, I STILL like this girl. A lot. I recognise she doesn't care about me one bit and I know when I feel down they win because I'm the only one hurting.
Sandy99 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Don't waste your time feeling like you need to wish them well or want them to be happy or anything like that. Did they care about your happiness? Nope. Try at all costs to avoid them. That's a really hurtful thing to do to somebody. And your ex, broadcasting her new relationship on Facebook, was uncool, knowing you're her friend on there. She doesn't sound like much. And your friend is not your friend anymore. You're going to be angry for a long time, but try to move on from it. I haven't been in a situation like this before, but I would have no problem x'ing them both out of my life and I wouldn't look back. Maybe consider getting some therapy because it's going to take a while to get over this. Good luck.
Mr Scorpio Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 While there is no sense in holding hatred in your heart, there is also no shame in cutting these two people out of your life. You don't need to be around people who would do such things to you. 1
erklat Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 ^exactly You killed two birds with one stone. It took me years to filter junk from my life, and you did it in a day.
stillafool Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 There is no sense in remaining friends with either of these people. They will probably be uncomfortable as well trying to be your friend. Plus, you still have feelings for this girl. I think the healthy thing for you to do is to cut ties with each and continue to move forward with your life.
white_bass87 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I am, but it wasn't after we broke up, guess you find out who you true friends are at some point.
Author Economist70 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 My ex and I broke up (She dumped me) because she was leaving the state to study at University. When we broke up, she said she'd like to remain friends (Something to which I reluctantly accepted because to say no would have ended us completely and at this stage I genuinely thought there was a chance we would get back together). When we started dating, it was natural for her to amalgamate into my friendship group(s). My friends enjoyed her company and they started texting and snapchatting her (Something I didn't have a problem with because I have similar interactions with some of my friends' partners). Something started to change in our relationship however. It feels like (From my perspective [How far this is from the truth I'll never know]) the more she got to know my friends, the less interested she became in me. There was an age difference between us (I was 21 and she was 18) and so I don't know whether to interpret this as a younger girl being whisked off her feet by older guys (My friends would have accepted any girl I brought into our friendship circle out of respect for me). After we did break up, we met on a few occasions before she left and I genuinely thought we could be friends. Every time I pressed her about the break up, she gave me reasons that concerned me and not her. E.g. "You can do better than me." "You don't want to go long distance." Even though I had offered to do the latter and was serious in my offer. After she left, contact on her part became minimal and even non-existent. But she continued to text and snapchat my friends. I'd often look at her top friends on Snapchat and the names displayed would be all but familiar. I once snapped at her for saying she wanted to be friends then pretty much cut me out of the loop, to which she replied she was too busy with Uni and work to deal with this (I.e. Me). The other weekend she changed her Facebook profile picture to one of her and one of my mates (He also left the state to study at University and studies in a different state to which she resides). Now, I know this guy and if he had have sent me a message along the lines of "Hey, I'm meeting X on the weekend. I know I don't need your permission to see her, but we've been talking and I think I like her. Just a heads up" I would be fine right now. But they met in secret and it took a message from me asking what was going on to find out. She then sends me a message (Presumably after he's told her he told me) saying she never meant to hurt me and "Good luck". I've since unfriended both from all social media, deleted their numbers and message history as well as thrown out all reminders I had of her. I don't presume my other friends/acquaintances to be stupid, surely they must have seen what has happened by now/had conversations with either party. But no one will talk to me about it. It is a massive elephant in the room. The worst thing of all, I feel like I'm the bad guy. That I'm being somehow unreasonable and selfish. I feel like I've been used and all that I am is a stepping stone. I still can't stop thinking about her because I still like her (Even though I'd never take her back [Which pains me to admit]). It's the worst situation and I know it's not going away..
lonewalker Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Economist. Dude. It is incredible that you still feel like you are the bad guy... come on.. give yourself a break! You are the one getting hurt. While it is true that love is blind...and one can argue that maybe they are truely in love. The fact that you are his buddy and she is your (ex)gf speaks a lot on the their moral compass. They may have the right to choose their partners. You also have your right to choose your friends and whether to continue this friendship. I will do the same if i were you. So don't feel like you are the bad guy. Hell with it. 1
Author Economist70 Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 I won't go into particulars, but my girlfriend and I broke up (She dumped me). I have since found out she's dating my (Ex) best mate. I've unfriended them both from virtually everything (Facebook, phone contacts etc.). It's become an elephant in the room for my friends to talk about and it only happened for the first time the other night when another friend and I were drunk and he knocked down the wall and asked how I was. I'm still in love with my ex and I'm literally torn between wanting her to be happy and accepting that that happiness is not with me. I haven't just lost the girl of my dreams, I've also lost one of my closest friends. To give some perspective, the friend I was drunk with gave an outside opinion stating that the friend that was now dating my ex had "Crossed a line." I have no contact with either party but I constantly find myself stalking their Twitter and Instagrams just to see how they're doing and what they're up to. This is becoming too much of a distraction for me and some days it's almost incapacitating.
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