No Contact 'worked'. Now I'm lost.

[womanwithquestions]

I dated a man for about a year, all the while, he carried on a too-close-for-comfort friendship with his ex of five years. She made it clear she did not like me but he was in denial. He planned outings with her behind my back because if he dared mention her name to me, I'd threaten to leave etc. etc. I'm not proud of some of my behaviors BUT I think lying took it to a whole new level.

 

Anyway, our relationship slowly crumbled over the course of a few months. We were coming up on just past a year when I asked him one night if he was in love with me. He said no. Not anymore. I broke things off, acted like a crazy woman by getting super emotional... the next day I tried to talk to him between tears but I knew it was the right thing. I had caught him in too many lies. Even though I broke things off with him, it was technically him who ended it because he made it very clear he didn't see a future with me. At all anymore. That I was never going to accept his friendship with his ex and that he just wasn't willing to lose that for a woman who didn't accept him as he is.

 

The problem is, I do still love him. I believe that had that situation been a non-issue, we could have had an amazing relationship. We did see tastes of it, but I was so angry with him and I'm sure he felt the same.

 

Fast forward to two months after the breakup. We did not talk AT ALL for those two months. Nothing. No contact. I felt sure that we'd made the right decision because how can you make someone love you? And did I even want his love at that point? It just didn't seem worth it to me to cry over some guy who's willing to put another woman, other that his mother/family, ahead of me after all I'd invested. And without question. And...because...THE LIES.

 

Anyway, several weeks ago he started BEGGING for me back. OUT OF NOWHERE. Said he realized what he'd done and he was sorry and needed me back. That he can't live with knowing he'd taken me for granted. That he'd do anything. He texted/emailed/called/facebooked/pm'd me for days without me responding. He even reached out to my friends and family begging for advice. I ignored him for as long as possible until I finally responded with a very unemotional and noncommittal response. He stopped. Then days later, he reached out again. Just wanted to talk to me.

 

Then a week after that, he tried again. And again. I finally decided to meet up for coffee with him and he told me everything. Everything I'd ever wanted him to say. And the kicker? IT SEEMED SO REAL. SO GENUINE. Is willing to drop the friendship and already has begun to. Is willing to relocate. He explained why he behaved some of the ways he did etc. And it did and does make sense. I just don't know if he's playing me. Or being honest. He cried wolf one too many times.

 

 

He is pleading for another chance.

 

I do not know what to do.

 

Help.

 

My heart says maybe but my head says NO WAY. He lied. He told me he didn't care enough to work on it any more.

[Heroeric]

The way I see it, most likely something happened (again) with his ex he was seeing, so he is on the rebound and wants you back. Though it's just my hypothesis. I can kinda relate to how you feel, my ex of 6 months left me for someone else, and although I hate what happened and even though we have not talked, my remaining love would make it that much harder to say no if she came back to me. But let me ask you this, if he kept in contact with his ex all this time, what's to keep it from happening again? What if you become the new ex he keeps seeing and talking to while with another? My opinion is try to stick to your guns and not let him back as hard as it is, because all it will do is cause more heartache in the long run...

[Arieswoman]

Womenwithquestions,

I know that if you really have loved someone then you can't just roll over and start again just like that. It's gping to be tough for you either way.

 

If you love someone they have the power to hurt you, and the only way to stop the hurt is to get them out of your life as fast as you can and keep them out.

 

He's lied before and he'll do it again. Personally I wouldn't give him the time of day. Lies are a dealbreaker for me.

[martaldn]

But if she doesn't give him another chance she will never know if he is truly sorry and changed. I think sometime we must take the risk and for what she said he sounds very regretful for what he has done.

I am probably naive but I do think some people can change.. everybody make mistakes, we are all human after all and I think in this case she should follow her heart.

I wish you all the luck whatever your decision will be.

[BC1980]

How long has it been since the breakup? How long have you been NC?

[FrostBlaze]

Considering i have been through something similar, don't.

He probably hit it off with his ex after you broke up, now he argued or something went wrong with his ex(like not taking him BACK), so he is back at your door.

 

You could talk with him and see what he did over the past two months, he will probably lie.

However If it's as i and the first poster said, then don't bother at all, you are just a rebound. The moment his ex comes back, he will go away again.

 

I know you want to hear that there could be a chance, but it's not really there.

The guy was "cheating" on you, trying to get back with his ex i am sure, don't take him back.

Edited March 25, 2014 by FrostBlaze

[mangetout]

I am usually for second chances but how can he not love you and then realise that he does love you?

 

 

That doesn't make sense to me. You either love someone or you dont

[d0nnivain]

First of all NC didn't WORK. It's not a tool to get somebody back. If it worked, you'd be over him & nothing he said would matter.

 

 

At this point you have no proof that the issues that drove you apart were fixed. Proceed at your own risk. Leopards don't change their spots & liars rarely learn how to tell the truth.

[Trovador]

Yep, NC is not a trick, it's a way to sanity...

 

But in the twisted way the OP thinks NC works, it really did, but ON HERSELF... because she is clearly crazy about him... a shameless liar...

[letsplaygofish2]

Why do you have to answer him right away? Why not just be friends for a while and let it progress naturally?

[Mariposa10]

Sadly, I don't think he was ready to be in a relationship with you. I don't think he's completely over his ex maybe. This guy needs to be single for a while, in my opinion.

[Audieme]

Sit down and sit still for a moment in a quiet place. What does your gut say? Deep down, that voice in the waaaay back of your brain, the one that looks out for you...what is it telling you? Warning you? That voice is there to help you - that voice isn't manipulating you, doesn't want anything from you, doesn't feel guilty or selfish. Listen to it, is my advice.