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Posted (edited)

To OW/former OW who broke up with him - did he let you go? Did he withdrawal? Did he try to mantain contact/keep you around? Did he become desperate? Did he take any concrete action at all?

 

Whatever the answer - how did you deal with it?

 

Is there a pattern behaviour?

Edited by C00kie
Posted

The pattern is that they'll do whatever it takes to keep you involved until it starts affecting his real

 

Let's go down my memory lane...don't go, I can't live without you, I wan a future with you, I'll even throw in the kid you desperately seem to want, I want you I want you I want you. No ultimatum from me to be clear. I was just done with the a.

 

Four months later...he stumbled on what I was offering and he certainly didn't mean to change his situation. Luckily on his coward side no confession, so a subtle hint that I'll do whatever it takes to keep him away worked when he came to resume the a. Pitch dark NC for more than a year after a short firecracker from him. I'm pretty sure he has info on my life and it irritates me to go end.

 

If you put up with the nonsense they'll lay you as long as they can. Be firm and the big love either materializes or...dissapears as if it never happened.

 

Ironically enough when he was stomping his feet that we won't go NC he said that he doesn't give up on the people he loves. That should settle it.

Posted

No he still hasn't. We are in LC and actually tonight I am telling him NC. once again, it's too painful. He went away with his wife for a vacation and brought me back jewellery...was calling and texting the whole time. He begs to see me and has shown up at my house professing his love @@

I respond sporadically but it still opens the would every.single.time. Every time.

 

My discussion with him tonight is going to be much more final. That he is not to contact me until D has been initiated. End of story

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

While I never broke off from my MM, he would with me on a regular 3 to 4 month cycle out of guilt based on our religious beliefs. I would say "ok, I agree," with no argument. He'd be calling the next day saying the same old stuff and declaring undying love and how miserable he was. Within 2 weeks or so, we'd be at it again because he missed me. Went on for 2 1/2 years until I said no more. Now we remain just friends. Sex was never our priority or reason for the A. It was based on intimacy we could share that we didn't have at home/emotional connection, and friendship. So we kept that part. So much so, that when his W asked about our R, he told her we were friends and that he'd known me almost as long as they'd been married.

 

So, I guess withdrawal would be the answer.

Edited by Daisy2013
Spelling
Posted

Mine fought for it...he wouldn't let it go. I'm married as well and we don't have unreal expectations of each other, but a few times I told him that we ARE eventually going to get caught and should stop while we can with minimal damage, but he doesn't agree and I'm not ready to go NC. Alas, we wait for the inevitable train wreck.

Posted

When my xmw told me to eff off, I didn't beg or plead, I left her alone. Why would I fight for someone who no longer wanted anything to do with me?

  • Like 5
Posted

I broke things off a few times but we inevitably would end up talking right after and repairing as best we could and we'd resume. Then the final time came... He sensed a resolve I hadn't shown before and had even noted after previous breakups that I seemed to be gathering strength each time. That last time kicked him into gear. I didn't talk to him for several days which hadn't happened before. I picked up extra shifts at work and made myself as busy as possible during waking hours. Three days later he initiated the steps to get into IC and to work through the whole situation for himself.

 

No, we never could leave each other alone for very long.

Posted

The first time - he freaked out and wouldn't let go. I ignored him for a few days and then responded. Our A started all over again and continued with plans to be together.

 

(Then he ran into health issues which required surgery and temporarily ended his career.)

 

The second time - he ended it (with promises of when he is better we would start over). That lasted for 48 hours. He then started sending me messages again.

 

The third time - he ended it. (with promises of when he is better we would start over). That lasted for a day. He again started sending me messages. I acted cold towards him and that made it worse. He was bordering on stalking behavior.

 

The fourth time - I ended it by requesting NC. He agreed and for three months we did not contact each other. He frequently posted cryptic messages to me on his professional page though. I never took the bait. I broke NC over some bad news he posted and he was extremely happy to hear from me. It was weird. All I wrote that I was concerned and if he wanted to talk I would be there for him. He thanked me, but then went on about how much he misses me and thinks of me morning and night and relives everything every day. I didn't respond. He then wrote me on New Year's Eve. I wrote him back against my better judgement and he responded very differently. I didn't write back.

 

About a month and a half later I began dating another guy. exMM went ballistic. He found out and started a online war. I got drawn into it for two days and while it was a huge relief and felt like my personal payback for all the sh*t he did to me emotionally (the pulling and pushing) I felt it was something that needed to be done. I know it was childish, but it helped me move on even more so. He posted a couple cryptic messages toward me, but has now been quiet for about 2 1/2 weeks.

 

I think the likelihood of him or her to keep coming back is very high. Until you both completely destroy the relationship like we have done.

  • Like 1
Posted

He fence sat, I told him I was getting on with my life, He went quiet, withdrew. Never spoke of it since.

Now, 3 months on, we still have almost daily contact over business dealings and discuss them, he often moans about his SO and how **** his life is and I respond with 'hmmm that's tough but let's talk shop', there is never any mention of 'us' he acts like it never happened.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
To OW/former OW who broke up with him - did he let you go? Did he withdrawal? Did he try to mantain contact/keep you around? Did he become desperate? Did he take any concrete action at all?

 

Whatever the answer - how did you deal with it?

 

Is there a pattern behaviour?

 

I'm a married other woman and my 'breakup' was at the end of January.. The emotional affair had been going on almost two years and the physical a little over a year at the time. I say break up in quotes because it was at the time very mutual and I wanted to believe it was going to take and we could just stay friends at arms length .. We live and work together as a family so no contact wasn't an option. Unless we confessed which we are not going too.

 

Turns out even though he wanted to do what I asked .. Stop the affair .. He's considered it a 'break' since the start and had always intended for it to start back up.

 

He gave me lots of space in the beginning actually so much I was actually a bit hurt but it was needed space and I actually respected him a lot for it and really thought he was over me and us and we were headed to a place we could be friends closer without a risk. I wanted to contact him lots of time throughout but pride kept me from doing so because I really thought he was over me. And my own will power kept me strong because I really don't want to lose him and his family from my life so we need to stop before we get caught.

 

Sad to say I'm at square one again after this weekend though :( I missed him so much and fell right back in after he whispered some sweet things and now I'm really confused again.

 

This was the first time we tried to end it, it last a few days short of 8 full weeks.

Edited by LaylaSings
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I'm guessing every situation is different, because all the answers are quite different.

 

I was asking because I broke up with him last month (I still love him deeply, but could/can not take the whole situation anymore) and I thought he'd let me go but he hasn't. He's not the manipulative/cruel type (although you may say all MM are manipulative), and whenever things turned nasty he would always distance himself a bit, or a lot (conflict avoider) before turning back to normal. So I honestly thought, judging from his normal behaviour, he'd keep in touch, but would let me go and would not approach the issue. Well, it's been quite the opposite. He writes very regularly, says regular stuff, but lately told me that he misses me, that time won't make that go away...he said it briefly and he mostly talks about normal stuff, I reply (not straight away though, I wait a few days or sometimes don't reply at all, but he writes again), and that's it. He says he misses me here and there but I know him, and I can tell by the way he writes hes not fine. I can sense he's very anxious and eager to tell me so much more, but doesn't, probably because he knows he has nothing to offer, not what I want anyway, and also because he doesn't know what to expect of me. He'll be wondering if I'll go nuts, if I'll start demanding, etc. I guess in a way he must be surprised or feeling that since I broke up, I really stood by it so reality must be sinking in for him now, when for me it has sunk like the worst nightmare from day 1 since break up.

 

As someone has said here, I dealed/am dealing with this as a break up and I think he looks like he's dealing as if it's just a break.

 

I also know words mean nothing, and him missing me does not equal getting a divorce. Concerning his behaviour, at first I was surprised, then mad because he seems not to have taken my decision seriously when it's been such a hard battle for me, then I'm (constantly) confused by this behaviour, you name it...he must be all over the place. But I'm trying to keep my head focused and I think I'm doing a good job.

 

Some people have said here go NC, that you'll never be able to overcome this if you keep contacting him because it opens the wound, and I completely understand that, but not all people can (or must) go NC for a number of reasons, so please understand that.

Edited by C00kie
Posted
To OW/former OW who broke up with him - did he let you go? Did he withdrawal? Did he try to mantain contact/keep you around? Did he become desperate? Did he take any concrete action at all?

 

Whatever the answer - how did you deal with it?

 

Is there a pattern behaviour?

 

There was NC for 3 months and then he reached out to me, we've communicated everyday since then...there are times certain things trigger that day I found out he wasn't single and I try to initiate NC, but I end up giving in and talking to him again. I've decided just to run with it and quit fighting back.

Posted

I broke up with my MM a couple of times.

The first time, he was very persistant and asked us to meet for one last time.

Every day for that one short week he asked why ... I didn't tell him that it was because I fell madly in love with him and that I wanted to save my heart from that agony of only eating his crumbs.

I wanted to of course to find a single guy.

My mm finally said that he'd stay away from me as requested.

We were NC for 3 weeks. And finally, he dropped me a line. He emailed me...

It was just about business, that he wanted to continue using my service.

I said ok, partly for the money.

We met for 1x a week as business partners...not long after that...I melted again.

We stopped when his W discovered and emailed or cursed me. I stopped it actually.

He tried to seduce me...but every time that happened I managed to remain cold...only for like 2 months 3 weeks....and I melted again.

We had wonderful moments for like the next 2 months and all those times I felt guilty and selfish for soing this to his W. I finally broke down tired of feeling guilty..and after new year I said goodbye.

We met once in jan, he asked me formally to be with him...to be his girl... I rejected and at that time I thought I was goig to be able to move on. His W again emailed me...this time...she read our emails...and understood that we split up initiated by me.

She asked me to be strong.

Managed to stay nc since that day until 2 weeks back...I emailed him and he replied. We met few days ago.

We had a wonderful dinner.

I feel so dumb and pathetic.

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