Iridium Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 It’s past 3 AM here in Ohio...I realize that no one’s probably up at this hour, but I would appreciate any constructive responses to this post, as I am very much struggling at this point. To begin, a little background information: A few years back, I was dating the man I thought I’d marry. We were, or so I thought, compatible in all aspects, and he promised me the world. Well, he lied. Funny how that happens. I discovered he was engaged and then MARRIED while simultaneously “dating” me. Led a complete double life, and jumped through hoops to keep both his wife and I in the dark (went as far as to call me regularly on their honeymoon so we maintained regular communication, etc). She had no idea. I was heart-broken, massively distraught...but I knew what I had to do. I was able to obtain his wife’s contact information, and I confronted her with exactly what had been going on. She deserved to know. She asked me to confront him with her, and so we did. Everything was exposed...she thanked me profusely for coming forward and revealing what her husband was incapable of telling her, but that it was best to cut contact with her so she could reconcile and attempt to piece her marriage back together. I was respectful of her request, and agreed wholeheartedly, but that was a difficult time for me...never truly gaining closure on the situation. Fast forward to now. I’ll try and keep this short. I’m 23, about to graduate and move to NV to take a job. I’ve become involved in a FWB-relationship with a ~10 year older man living in my apartment complex. He initially pursued me and expressed extreme interest, physically and emotionally, but I made it clear I didn’t want to overcomplicate things with a relationship (as I was moving/preoccupied with my studies). I suggested we become FWBs, but on the condition we were exclusive in that regard, and if either of us were to start dating/fooling around with someone else, we’d discontinue...without hesitation, he accepted this “contract”, and we’ve been sleeping with one another on a weekly basis since October. Things have been great...until I found out he was engaged this entire time. I can’t believe this happened again. He has no idea I know...I just found out 2 days ago, and have refused to respond to him until I know my plan of action. I’m sick to my stomach. The red flags...they were all there...but my friends who were aware of our FWBs-agreement insisted that my prior relationship with unknowingly being the other woman was making me paranoid, and that there’s no way he could be engaged and living one floor above me. Wrong. ALWAYS trust your gut instinct...or at least invest some effort in further investigating that feeling you’re having; don’t let it slip to the wayside. At this point...I feel compelled, feel the need to tell her. I don’t want to be a home wrecker. I don’t wan’t to be in this position again, or have to put someone else in this position. I am not an impulsive, irrational, or vengeful person...I’m most upset/disappointed with myself that I let it go on this long without coming to this realization, but am thankful I never became too romantically involved with him/fell for him. I feel a very heavy weight on my conscience, and know that if the situation were reversed, I would want the other woman to tell me...especially if she had no idea he was engaged. Here’s where it gets sticky, however... As I was telling my friend (who works for the County Clerks office) about this, she pulled up a background check on him, just to see exactly who I was involved with. He has multiple felonies for assault, and another charge for breaking and entering. When he and I have talked about our childhoods, he told me he grew up in a rough part of town, and he joined a gang when he was younger (the Surenos?). I’ve never seen him display any violent tendencies, and for all I know that’s a crock of BS, but that’s not a chance I’m wanting to take. I believe his fiance deserves to know who she may potentially be committing the rest of her life to, but not if it compromises my safety (as he lives just one floor up...and it might be stupid to predict his reaction to me “dropping the bomb” on his fiance). So. My lease is up April 28th...my plan is to cut all ties with him without giving him an exact reason, then calling her and telling her the extent of the situation after I’m all moved out and have no reason to return. He has no idea where in NV I’m moving, or any of that. Thoughts on this? I just want to do what’s right, and hate that this has happened again...but feel I won't be able to get past it until I tell her...
Arieswoman Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Iridium, This is tough, but my advice is to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction from this guy who has a history of violence. Your only responsibility is to yourself, and to keep yourself safe. If he lives one floor up and is an ex-gang member you could be putting yourself at risk by antagonising him in any way. Just be thankful you found all this out, complete your education and move on to better things. Say nothing, do nothing and go NC. Good luck. 3
Author Iridium Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 Iridium, This is tough, but my advice is to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction from this guy who has a history of violence. Your only responsibility is to yourself, and to keep yourself safe. If he lives one floor up and is an ex-gang member you could be putting yourself at risk by antagonising him in any way. Just be thankful you found all this out, complete your education and move on to better things. Say nothing, do nothing and go NC. Good luck. Thank you for your response...honestly, it's the answer I secretly didn't want to hear, because I know I'll be facing a mental battle a lot longer if I didn't tell her, then if I did...but this might be the best option. Though I'm beyond confident there'd be no way to he'd be able to track me down after I move out of state. I dunno'...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 You don't want to have to watch your back constantly. You cut ties as soon as you knew. I vote for not telling. I was going to initially suggest that you tell him you are seeing someone else now, but I don't think that's the best option either.
Author Iridium Posted March 24, 2014 Author Posted March 24, 2014 I really don't know what is "right" in this regard. It would be a great idea to consult a trusted third party who could bring wisdom to the situation. Probably not a good idea to bring up the background check because that seems like your friend probably broke the law on that one. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. By trusted third party, I assume you mean family/friend(s)? I've already told three of my closest friends and my sister. They unanimously advised I tell her before I even suggested it. Obviously they know me better than a bunch of strangers from the internet...know how I operate and will back me up...but I really do want to get an outside opinion on the scenario from people that didn't know my (hence, why I posted here).
jellybean89 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I'd mail her a copy of his arrest record. She may know about it -- he may have paid his dues and changed his ways. Maybe he made a lot of mistakes as a kid and has changed his life for the better; except he is a cheater. Are you sure he is engaged? Positive? You have had no idea he has a girlfriend? I agree with your friends/family - I'd tell her....but I'd do it after you are out of town.
Author Iridium Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I'd mail her a copy of his arrest record. She may know about it -- he may have paid his dues and changed his ways. Maybe he made a lot of mistakes as a kid and has changed his life for the better; except he is a cheater. Are you sure he is engaged? Positive? You have had no idea he has a girlfriend? I agree with your friends/family - I'd tell her....but I'd do it after you are out of town. Absolutely positive he's engaged. A friend of a friend went to high school with her (his fiance) and is friends with her on Facebook...verified their relationship status. I've seen him walking out of the apartment with her...he'd always tense of and get nervous as I said hi. It all makes sense...all the red flags, the shadiness... I know some people may say it's none of my business, and just to move on...but I have a ZERO tolerance policy for cheaters. By lying to me and then involving me, he made it my business. Had he been honest from the get go, I'd have never touched him. I also have almost every text he's ever sent me, along with multiple sexually-explicit photos/videos where there's NO denying it's him, so I've got my "proof" aspect covered if that's something she's wanting to see...
Cakess Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I really think it's great and all that you're thinking of this other woman but..she is engaged to him. Isn't it her responsibility to know who she is about to marry at this stage? She's a grown woman. And what if you are wrong, she knows and doesn't care? Then you'd just be pegged as an annoying, meddling, home-wrecker gf who wanted the last word after you skipped town? That would suck. And remember, whatever you decide to do in their relationship WILL come back to bite--you're putting yourself in possibly a potential danger. You've already realized that you didn't know all the information before making a decision--do you really wanna do that again?
MuddyRock Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 I think I would make it a point to make sure to run into him while he is WITH her. Think of it this way. he has NO idea that you know about the fiancé. All you have to do is say "hey sorry I haven't gotten back to you but I would love come over like usual this weekend." There. Now you have told the wife as she is next to him while you say this. You are innocent afterall. He never told you he was engaged so all you know its just a friend. You can act all appalled. He will have NO reason to be mad at you. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Everything was exposed...she thanked me profusely for coming forward and revealing what her husband was incapable of telling her, but that it was best to cut contact with her so she could reconcile and attempt to piece her marriage back together. And he was calling you on their honeymoon?!?!? I will never... ever... EVER understand why women do this. Why do women take these men back? As for what you should do... you should run in the opposite direction as fast as you can. The last thing you want to do is get further involved in this man's drama and risk yourself to potential violence. And after that my suggestion would be to make sure you know someone much better before you agree to have sex with him.
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