worried my boyfriend wants to cheat on me

[RosieDunne]

I feel ashamed to admit that you're completely on the mark. Except the thing about it not being a relationship - we've been together 2 years and even if it is on and off: there IS a lot of love there, we know each other inside and out and we do nearly everything together, surely that counts for something?? Perhaps the relationship's going sour, but he always treats me right when I'm with him which is what leaves me so confused.

 

But I do let him get away with anything and it's pathetic, I know. But I crave how nice our good days are and there are so many of them it's hard to let go. Perhaps if I make it clear to him that I'm not going to put up with any more **** he may realise he needs to change his attitude or I'm going to leave?

[ExpatInItaly]

I feel ashamed to admit that you're completely on the mark. Except the thing about it not being a relationship - we've been together 2 years and even if it is on and off: there IS a lot of love there, we know each other inside and out and we do nearly everything together, surely that counts for something?? Perhaps the relationship's going sour, but he always treats me right when I'm with him which is what leaves me so confused.

 

But I do let him get away with anything and it's pathetic, I know. But I crave how nice our good days are and there are so many of them it's hard to let go. Perhaps if I make it clear to him that I'm not going to put up with any more **** he may realise he needs to change his attitude or I'm going to leave?

 

Oh, honey. I doubt it. I think the only thing that would possibly, maybe make him wake up a bit is if you actually leave. He'll otherwise just tell you what you want to hear, lay on the affection extra-thick for a bit and then continue doing what he's been doing all along. Threatening to break up or "making it clear" (how, exactly?) is not going to work with this guy. He's already got a foot out the door.

[justwhoiam]

Rosie, I do think that a man can act like a jerk at times, and probably he doesn't realize the damage he's doing. But the extent or amount of wrong things he did, the way he treated you is not good. No matter how many excuses you find for such behavior.

 

Also, it's indisputable that you're puddy in his hands. He knows that and leverages that to keep you on the hook.

 

This way, you ended up craving for his crumbs, and he's lowering the level as time goes by, so that you expect less and less from him.

 

And one thing above all should have opened your eyes. If you had a real boyfriend, and temporarily away from each other, and had the chance to drop by his place, he should jump for joy because of that! And actually, in a real bf/gf relationship, if he's living on his own, you shouldn't need his permission to drop by! So that means there still is a level of formality between the two of you, you're not allowed to do this or that. Besides, his answer was kind of unacceptable. It's not that he had a different plan, a meeting, a buddies' night or whatever. He simply didn't want to see you!

How can you overlook something like that? Stop thinking he's perfect or how great he is with you, because you are projecting.

 

Do something for yourself, once. Leave him. And don't let him chat you up on getting back together.

[justwhoiam]

putty I meant

[RosieDunne]

I am thinking about breaking up with him, but I'm half concerned I only want to break up to prove a point, I don't actually want to lose him. Actually I'm kind of certain of this which I know is stupid because I sort have already have lost him. But I want to break up with the hope that he might come after me, but what if he doesn't? Which he probably won't because he's too 'proud' for that sort of thing. Then it's totally and completely over by my own doing. I'm really scared to be alone, I'd rather be with him than noone at all. Plus he IS nice to me when I'm with him which I still can't get my head around, even if he was just stringing me along until someone else came, NOONE can act that well, he devotes nearly all his time for me and he'll lie and cuddle for me for an hour on end if I want and I'm feeling lonely, he'll listen to me talk and sometimes we just lie cuddling and talking for about 3 hours. Who would do that if they didn't care?

 

Anyway, thank you both for your responses, they do help. I know I kind of need to accept all these things but I'm having great difficulty. But it's easier when I think about how horrible he was to me yesterday. But in a way I can kind of understand why maybe he wouldn't want to see me - I mean, he had been at work all day and I literally just saw him two days ago so it's not like it's been a long time, so maybe he just wanted his own time.. but I watch all my other friends' boyfriends jump at the chance of seeing their girlfriend even if it is every day. I want that

 

Also, justwhoiam - he doesn't live in his own place yet, that won't happen for another year or so until he has money saved up. He still lives with his mum and she gets mega stressy about people coming over sometimes so I do have to check that it's ok first. Although it does suck that I can't just drop by as a surprise, he'd probably hate that.

[RosieDunne]

See here's an example of how he does sometimes realise he's being out of order and there doesn't seem to be any malicious intent behind it because of how sorry he was. This was a week ago when I had to leave and he rushed me out of the door because he wanted some time to play games before bed and I was going to miss my last bus if we didn't hurry. It wasn't even really out of order, he'd just been a bit rushed and we didn't really get to say goodbye properly that was all. He then messaged me straight after I left and said:

 

"I feel really guilty now. I will miss you very much, I'm really sorry. I will get used to not having any free time it's new to me and I obviously hate it.

If you have to wait at the station please phone me and be safe. I'm very grateful for the massage, I love you very much. xxxxxxx"

 

It's the not having free time thing that's really eating into him and making him an arsehole, even when I'm with him he's soooo tired and can barely function. I wonder if maybe I'm just being too hard on him and not letting him adjust? I can't work it out.

[RosieDunne]

But then when I look over our conversations there's loads of messages he's just ignored, like me saying "I made it home! I forgot how cold it is here! miss you already!" and "Yeah, I've just got on the bus now! I'm worried about getting the right connecting train but it should be fine!" he never even checked to see if I did manage to get the train in a city I'd never been in before that night, ok maybe he fell asleep or something, but you'd think he'd at least message me the next day to see how I was or something? And there's several messages where I've said I love you with kisses and he's just said bye with kisses.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's the not having free time thing that's really eating into him and making him an arsehole, even when I'm with him he's soooo tired and can barely function. I wonder if maybe I'm just being too hard on him and not letting him adjust? I can't work it out.

 

Sorry but that's bull****, it doesn't matter how busy and tired you are, you don't treat your significant other like crap on a regular basis if you love them. My schedule right now for example, I work two jobs and volunteer so I'm working 13 days out of 14 (that's for the past month, however from next week onward it'll be every day for four months other than a week's booked holiday in April). I usually leave the house at 830am and return at 1130pm, four days a week, and work eight hours per day for the other three days. On the days I finish at 1130pm all my boyfriend and I can usually do is him come over when I finish work, maybe catch a half hour TV show together in bed and then fall asleep together. And you know what? I'm so delighted to see him, I am nothing but lovely to him. I'm tired, and stressed, but seeing him melts that away because he makes me happy. Does he work seven days a week? Up to 14 or 15 hours a day?

 

If you love someone, or even just respect them, you don't treat them like crap. It doesn't just matter what he's like when he's around you... remember, when he's around you is when he's getting his physical needs met. What about your emotional needs when you're apart? If someone treated me badly while together or apart more than once or twice without a damn good reason I would lose trust and faith in them, not feel loved any more, and kick them to the curb.

 

Anyway, none of this matters. He doesn't want to be with you for the long term. He isn't moving in with you any time soon (and until then, it's just words). He treats you like dirt. He makes you feel insecure and unsure whether he cares about you or not. I mean, you say he's talking about you being able to stay over when he gets his own place and even THAT isn't going to be for yet another year. By that point you could have split up, gotten over him, and met somebody new who gives you all of the things you want and should expect in a relationship. Do you want to be holding out for this loser, who has already planned on dumping you?

 

'Almost' booking a holiday to Centre Parcs isn't actually booking the holiday either.

[TAV]

You are a very giving person and he wants to milk that till something better comes along. Name me one example of him doing something selfless just to please you, make you happy. I wonder if the non-standard sexual relationship you have contains of you pleasing him, like giving him nice massages. You need a lot of words here to convince yourself that he does indeed love you. It is supposed to be a gut feeling you should have instead; your instincts should tell you constantly its alright; he loves me. Don't say you need him because he is all you have. You have friends who care enough to take you away and show you fun. And you have yourself. A much better person than your bf ever will be.

[RosieDunne]

acrosstheuniverse - Thanks for your response, that's exactly how I feel like it should be!! If I worked that long seeing him would be what I'd look forward to most! But he just seems to want his own space in the week, then again he's always been like that. He just likes to do his own thing sometimes which is reasonable enough in ways. And to be fair, he's only like that when I'm not actually with him. The thing is, it is actually nice like that when we are together, he won't contact me during the week which is the **** part, but when I'm actually with him it is like that - he's so happy to see me and we'll just cuddle up and watch some programmes or play some games and it'll be really nice.

 

Like I say, things were actually really good! The only reason I even checked his messages in the first place is because things were so good! Otherwise I would have been fine and I have been very happy for a long time. My gut instinct was that he loves me, which is why I didn't feel the need to check them, he kept leaving his phone in the room and I'd see it and think I could be nosey.. but I decided I didn't need to as I was confident we were really happy. But this weekend my curiosity just got the better of me and I saw something I totally wasn't expecting to see. His actions towards me are actually still really nice when I see him, it's just I now have the looming possibility hanging over me that he might cheat.

 

And in answer to your question, he does work 5 days a week, 7am to 6pm I think (might be 5pm) but he sometimes also does things after work because he feels like he should get to know his colleagues - he plays football with them after work and told me yesterday he was going to pizza hut with them today so he must be knackered.

 

Also, about the holiday - the reason we didn't book it is because he has to book holiday from work first. But we're meant to be booking it this weekend now and I don't know if we should. Because if he does cheat on me then we certainly won't be together anymore.

 

TAV - Thanks for your reply too! I know I'm not alone, I just really do love him. And I thought things were going so well with us before I read this message which is why I'm so conflicted. And in answer to your question, I can name you loads of things! If ever I feel stressed he'll say nice things to me and lie me down and give me a reeeeeally long and lovely back massage to calm me down and he keeps going even when it hurts his hands. Afterwards he'll be so happy that he's cheered me up and he'll just cuddle me for ages while I nap after how nice it was. He also always talks to me about my week even though I know I can go on sometimes. He'll lie next to me and listen to everything and offer me kind words and he'll rub my head sometimes to soothe me and he'll give me lots of cuddles. Sometimes if I'm feeling lonely during a game we're playing or something I'll say I miss him and he'll pause the game and come over and hug me for ages and give me loads of affection even though I know I'm being annoying and craving attention, he still gives it to me. Sometimes when we're lying on the sofa he'll let me put rubbishy programmes like catfish or family guy on which he HATES but I love and although he hates them he'll still sit through them and watch them with me and even joins in if I start talking about them so I know he's paying attention which is really cute. Sometimes he'll buy me my favourite chocolate just because he wants to or he'll offer to buy me gifts even though he can barely afford it at the moment he tried to buy me some daffodils the other day which secretly I really wanted but I wouldn't let him because he can hardly afford food at the moment so it wouldn't be fair. Once he gets his first pay check it will be different and he'll have money and he keeps saying the first thing he wants to do with it is treat me like crazy and take me to our favourite restaurant and go bowling etc. He does care, just writing about these things makes me think of more and more things he does for me and he's always SO affectionate, there's no way someone could pretend all that stuff all the time. As soon as I get to his house he's always really happy to see me and hugs and kisses me hello and we'll do something we both enjoy, it's only on a rare occasion he'll do his own thing for a bit. But even then he comes to see me and give me affection in between. He walks me to the bus stop every time I go home even though it's dark and cold and only at the end of the road so he doesn't really need to wait with me, he just does because he wants to and he says how much he doesn't want me to leave and sometimes he'll even ask me to stay and I have to be the one to say no I've got to go. Even though he had work this week on sunday he did actually tell me to stay if I wanted because he wanted to spend another night with me. He always cuddles me to sleep without fail, and the other night he even woke up in his sleep and told me how much he loved me and begged me not to leave him because he'd dreamt I'd gone and he was so sad. He gives me plenty of reason to think he loves me which is why I'm so confused

Edited March 26, 2014 by RosieDunne

[justwhoiam]

NOONE can act that well, he devotes nearly all his time for me and he'll lie and cuddle for me for an hour on end if I want and I'm feeling lonely, he'll listen to me talk and sometimes we just lie cuddling and talking for about 3 hours.

Ok, it looks like we're getting borderline here.

 

Now, I guess the men reading this should take a stand.

 

Rosie, you are setting male standards based on what this guy does.

 

Hear the news:

A boyfriend does listen to his girlfriend. It's not an exception, it's the rule.

A boyfriend cuddles you for an hour or more. It's not a world record from your boyfriend, not even 3 hours.

 

Actually, you can have way more than that. Wonderful days and nights. Amazing sex. Crazy memories. Your boyfriend can go out of his way for you.

But most of all, he would never let you go alone to a bus station at night to catch the last bus, or even rush you to the door. A good boyfriend is protective and cares for you and does his best to ensure you're safe!

 

I'm sorry but if we started questioning his behaviour with you, we'd have material to talk about for the next 3 days, without you having to add a single word.

 

And no, it's not the end of the world if you lose him and I'm 90% sure you'll get a better boyfriend any day, because honestly it'd take very little. Some might go as far as 100% sure about that.

[RosieDunne]

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because I am pretty naive in that he's my first boyfriend, so I don't really know what I'm supposed to expect to receive. I just know that he makes me incredibly happy and I thought he was being really lovely to me, but maybe he is just being the norm, if not less...

It's not like he's been a bad boyfriend either though, has he? I mean other than that disgusting message about the girl from his work, and the phone call yesterday, he hasn't done anything wrong for months and months and months and has always been incredibly nice and affectionate towards me.

[TAV]

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because I am pretty naive in that he's my first boyfriend, so I don't really know what I'm supposed to expect to receive. I just know that he makes me incredibly happy and I thought he was being really lovely to me, but maybe he is just being the norm, if not less...

It's not like he's been a bad boyfriend either though, has he? I mean other than that disgusting message about the girl from his work, and the phone call yesterday, he hasn't done anything wrong for months and months and months and has always been incredibly nice and affectionate towards me.

 

Dear girl, you crave love so much, its easy for him to satisfy that need with just basic effort. I'm not sure what kind of upbringing you had but I guess it hasn't been a very warm one. Which I get from personal experience. Try to work on yourself and your self-esteem, please.

It's up to you to decide if he's a good boyfriend for you. The fact that you come to this forum tells me at least you have some major doubts.

[ExpatInItaly]

I suppose I'm finding it difficult because I am pretty naive in that he's my first boyfriend, so I don't really know what I'm supposed to expect to receive. I just know that he makes me incredibly happy and I thought he was being really lovely to me, but maybe he is just being the norm, if not less...

It's not like he's been a bad boyfriend either though, has he? I mean other than that disgusting message about the girl from his work, and the phone call yesterday, he hasn't done anything wrong for months and months and months and has always been incredibly nice and affectionate towards me.

 

Uh...yes, he has. I would've canned him a long, long time ago.

[RosieDunne]

He's been online on facebook for hours now and he hasn't said a word to me, I'm getting really pissed off, am I just being stupid? He only ever goes on facebook to talk on chat because he hates it so I know for a fact he's talking to someone. And I keep thinking it's probably his friend and they're discussing this girl from work that he likes and it's really upsetting. And if he's online why the hell isn't he talking to me?? I thought he was supposed to be "too tired" to talk in the week, yet here he is online for ages and he hasn't said a word to me. Nor has he apologised or said anything about yesterday. I'm getting really jealous and nosey and it's really making me upset because I don't want to be this girl but he's made me so insecure I can't help it. I want things to work.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's been online on facebook for hours now and he hasn't said a word to me, I'm getting really pissed off, am I just being stupid? He only ever goes on facebook to talk on chat because he hates it so I know for a fact he's talking to someone. And I keep thinking it's probably his friend and they're discussing this girl from work that he likes and it's really upsetting. And if he's online why the hell isn't he talking to me?? I thought he was supposed to be "too tired" to talk in the week, yet here he is online for ages and he hasn't said a word to me. Nor has he apologised or said anything about yesterday. I'm getting really jealous and nosey and it's really making me upset because I don't want to be this girl but he's made me so insecure I can't help it. I want things to work.

 

Sweetie, you need to stop being a victim. You gave this guy all your power and he's completely bulldozed you. Stop telling yourself you can't leave him. Stop justifying his completely inappropriate behaviour. Stop giving your heart to someone who doesn't care to have it. He doesn't love you the way you love him - it's obvious even to a blind man. YOU have the power to turn this around. He's a totally sh*tty boyfriend. Find your spine and use it!!

[RosieDunne]

But this comment about the girl from work might be nothing. He might never cheat. And then everything's fine. He's been bad in the past, yes, but I was really happy with how everything was until that message he wrote. Everything literally depends on that. If it means nothing I want to stay because I was very happy with him. The only reason I read it in the first place was because I was SO happy with him, I just wanted to check.

[Zahara]

Rosie, at 19, I'm so sorry to see you managing your life and future this way. I read all your threads. You really need to work on your self-esteem because your threads are so very indicative of you lacking any self-worth. If at 19 you are behaving this way, you're going to manage down your expectations and standards of having any potential at a healthy and loving relationship with men in the future. You are conditioning yourself to accept and tolerate bad behavior. You're setting yourself up for failure and in a really bad way.

 

It's heartbreaking to see you this way. Being older and wiser and having had to deal with so much of heartache and disappointments, listen to those that are trying to help you see. Step out of your emotions. Think. Rationalize. Get a grip. Open your eyes. Trust your gut. Put "love" aside. At least give yourself a fighthing chance. Get out of your denial.

[RosieDunne]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all my threads, it means a lot! I know I really do need to work on it, it's just difficult because he's the only one who's sort of picked my self esteem up but then at the same time he's battering it back down again and it'll be really confusing. For example he'll keep telling me how beautiful and attractive I am, but then he'll totally refuse to ever have sex with me and put me down. I don't have a lot of self worth, I know it's pathetic but I do kind of depend on him to feel happy at the moment and I think if I dropped him right now I wouldn't be able to cope. I want to leave with the hope of it changing him and him coming back to me, but I know that won't happen. So I'm so lost. I'd rather stay and feel emotionally abused than leave and be completely alone. As pathetic as that sounds. But it's not like he's completely horrible to me, in fact he's really not horrible to me at all anymore which is why I don't understand everyone telling me to leave. He treats me perfectly and lays on the affection incredible amounts and makes me very happy. That's not really bad at all, some people don't get any of that in their relationships so I'm lucky if anything! And I know I have friends if I leave him, but they live far away and I'm completely on my own where I live. I literally don't have anyone, which is what makes it so hard. I live for seeing him at the weekends. Without him I don't know what I'd do. I wouldn't be able to work on my self esteem, I'd literally just be miserable.

[Zahara]

"there's loads of attractive girls at work, there's one I definitely like and she always smiles so who knowss"

 

He treats you perfectly? And recently things have been great? But that's not true.

 

Two weeks ago he made the above comment to a friend. There's nothing great about a man that is devaluing the woman he is dating when he is showing interest in others. People can put up a show. They can show you love, affection and care even when they're running rampant behind you. Men can do what they need to do to keep you where you are. It's not that complicated. As a whole, the bad in your relationship has outweighed the little good that you have received.

 

You mentioned that he picks your self-esteem and then bashes it down. That's called control and manipulation. He's not picking you up because he sees you that way, he does that as a power play. He already knows you have no self-esteem and self-respect. There is no love in what he does to you or feels for you. A person that is in love with you, healthy love, picks their partner up and keeps them there. It's no wonder you have no individuality in this relationship because you have allowed yourself to be an extension of him.

 

You said you would rather be emotionally abused rather than be alone. I'm so sad to hear this. At 19. So much life ahead of you. So much promise. So many opportunities. And at 19, you've crippled yourself to nothing. What does the future hold for you if you keep this way?

 

Please Rosie, if you can't leave -- at least please seek a mental health professional. Someone to at least provide you some sort of long term help to slowly break you away from this and hopefully reprogram your mindset and help you redefine and rebuild yourself. LS isn't the place for you anymore. There are such ingrained issues within you, and I am not sure if it's from your past/childhood but you need help with how you view yourself. Please seek help.

[RosieDunne]

But I'm still standing by the hope that that message isn't as bad as it sounds. If I find out he really meant it, then by all means I need to start trying to leave I suppose. But it's the fact that I don't know how true it was. You see, the friend he was talking to is a cheater himself, as are pretty much all of his friends. For some reason they see it as a cool thing to be acting like your girlfriend doesn't exist, so maybe my boyfriend just wanted to play up to that image too? Which is pretty despicable but I don't know if there was any genuine intent behind it. He also hasn't seen this friend for a LONG time so he's always always trying to impress him and he talks about him like he's this really amazing friend for some reason (even though it's evident they've very much drifted apart) I think he's trying to cling onto the idea that they're still best friends so he's trying to show off. I also know that the last time he spoke about me to this friend was when we nearly broke up and he said that he was going to leave me before I left him, so maybe he didn't want to have to explain that he changed his mind and we worked everything out. I don't know. I don't doubt that maybe there's an attractive girl at work, which doesn't make me feel good at all. But whether he actually does like her is a different matter. And I've always made it very clear to him how much I'd hated it if he cheated on me and said I'd much rather that he just left me. So if he likes this girl, why doesn't he just do that? I don't know, I feel like I need to know more before I give up completely. If it means nothing, if it literally was just childish showing off to make himself sound 'cool' to his cheater friends then maybe it's not that big of a deal?

[Zahara]

And I've always made it very clear to him how much I'd hated it if he cheated on me and said I'd much rather that he just left me. So if he likes this girl, why doesn't he just do that?

 

Why wouldn't he do that? Why would he give up a benefit that he currently has when he can have it all? Your thinking is very naive. This guy sounds like a slimebag. And I highly doubt that he would have enough integrity to let you go before running after another.

 

If that were your argument, cheating would never exist. People would kindly and honestly leave their partner and then partake with another.

 

Aside from all the crazy-making, you really need to seek help and work on yourself. This guy at this point is the least of your problems, Rosie. Please focus on you.

[RosieDunne]

Ok I know that was a bit of a stupid thing to say, but isn't it still possible that what I said about him showing off is true? He might not want to cheat at all, I did hear him once say to a friend that he's never been unfaithful to me and nor would he want to, and that wasn't that long ago! And he's not a having two people kind of guy - if he really liked this girl and cheated on me with her, he'd probably then leave me for her - but then that leaves the question, why are we booking holidays for 4 or 5 months away? It doesn't make any sense

[Zahara]

Ok I know that was a bit of a stupid thing to say, but isn't it still possible that what I said about him showing off is true? He might not want to cheat at all, I did hear him once say to a friend that he's never been unfaithful to me and nor would he want to, and that wasn't that long ago! And he's not a having two people kind of guy - if he really liked this girl and cheated on me with her, he'd probably then leave me for her - but then that leaves the question, why are we booking holidays for 4 or 5 months away? It doesn't make any sense

 

There's a saying, "When someone tells you something you don't want to hear, listen." Judging from his behavior as you stated in your past threads, I wouldn't put it past him.

 

So, did you think he would tell the friend, "If I had the opportunity to cheat on Rosie, I'd do it." Of course he is going to say he would never cheat on you. That would be the appropriate response. Just like my ex that raved about how I was the greatest and told his best friend he would never cheat on me and later I found out after we broke up that he was actually cheating. And yes, when I was with my ex, he was cheating and we were still going on holidays, family functions, and all that. It doesn't mean a thing. Life still goes on even when infidelity exists.

 

Cheating or not, BOTTOM LINE -- your boyfriend isn't good for you.

[RosieDunne]

I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you! You're probably right, I'm just finding it really hard to accept